Saturday, May 18, 2013

Top 11 Differences Between Steve Miller Who Led The IRS and Steve Miller Who Led The Steve Miller Band

11. One told the story of how Detective Bobby Mack investigated burglars Billie Joe and Bobbie Sue; the other had detectives investigate Churches that protested abortion

10. One is perfectly willing to perform at your fundraiser for as little as $2,000; the other will perform a forensic tax investigation on donors to your fundraiser

9. Miles Davis said one "didn't have his sh#t going for him;" Congress said the same thing about the other

8. One sings "Fly Like an Eagle;" the other audits organizations that use American Eagles as their symbols

7. One is rotated on the play list of KQRS about 35 times per day; the other is involved in an ethics violation about 35 times per day

6. One wants to know why your group is praying; the other knows you are praying for him to stop performing his awful music

5. When one sings "Abracadabra," listeners vomit; when the other says "Abracadabra," conservatives are audited

4. One is a picker, a grinner, a lover and a sinner; the other is just a sinner

3. One has an awful 1970's hairstyle; the other released awful 1970's rock albums

2. Allegedly, one had a three-way with Ann and Nancy Wilson; the other ogled Beyoncé's cleavage at Michelle Obama's birthday party

1. One is the gangster of love; the other is the gangster of Obama

Friday, May 10, 2013

Mark Dayton’s Top 11 Surprise Ways to Finance the New Vikings Stadium

One of the key funding mechanisms for the new Vikings stadium, revenue from electronic pull tabs, has lagged far behind projections.  In a press conference Wednesday, Governor Dayton announced that he has a back-up plan for making up the shortfall, but that the plan is “a surprise”. 

The investigative journalists at Nihilist in Golf Pants have uncovered Mark Dayton’s top 11 surprise ways to finance the new Vikings stadium: *spoiler alert*

11. Sell the Renoirs at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts

10. Gay wedding tax

9. Create a new Futility Tax to be imposed on the Wild every time they fail to score a goal on the power play during the playoffs
8. Borrow the trillion dollar coin from President Obama

7. Three-and-out tax

6. Declare anyone going through MSP airport a resident and make them file MN state income tax

5. Annex North Dakota and tax the people creating jobs there

4. Punter excise tax

3. Raise the beer excise tax 6000% as the DFL's current 600% proposal is mere peanuts

2. Set up a trust in South Dakota to fund it, and build it in Wisconsin with non-union labor

1. Convince out of state donors that building a plush Vikings stadium will help defeat Michele Bachmann