Thursday, October 30, 2008

Top 11 Things Comparable To Being Named "Worst Person In The World" By Keith Olbermann

11. Being named corrupt by Al Franken

10. Being named a cheapskate by the Nihilist in Golf Pants

9. Being named a hyprocrite by Al Gore

8. Being named a philanderer by John Edwards

7. Being named a slanderer by John Murtha

6. Being named a cocksucker by Andy Dick

5. Being named anti-American by Bill Ayers

4. Being named a ravenous testicle eater by Andrew Zimmern

3. Being named a gasbag by Joe Biden

2. Being named a slut by Madonna

1. Being named a socialist by Barrack Obama

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Ain't Nobody's Business

In this post, Chad complains about the masses discussing his secret vote with him. His advice, answer as neutrally as you can and don't tip your hand.

I agree that it usually isn't worth the risk, effort, increase in blood pressure to explain your political position to a total stranger. So I have developed a different strategy when approached by some ubiquitous do-gooder questioning my voting plans:

UDG: Who are you going to vote for?

NIGP: I'm not voting.

UDG: What do you mean you're not voting? It's our most sacred rite.

NIGP: Voting is a complete waste of time. It's not as if my vote really counts.

UDG: What do you mean? Don't you remember Florida in 2000?

NIGP: Florida? Did it come down to one vote?

UDG: Not one, but it was as close as 100.

NIGP: So my vote really wouldn't have made a difference.

UDG (frustrated with that argument and trying another attack): Nihilist, you are always complaining about the government. If you don't vote, then you don't have the right to complain about your government.

NIGP: What article of the constitution says that?

UDG: It's common sense, it's not in the constitution.

NIGP: The constitution, specifically the bill of rights states:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech. . .

Complaining about the government is clearly free speech. And there's no qualifier suggesting only voters get it.

UDG: Millions of Americans died for your right.

NIGP: Right. They died so that I would have freedom. Do I really have freedom if I have no choice but to go out and vote? If I have to do this, that sounds dictatorial.

At this point the UDG usually tips their hand and makes a pitch for their guy.

UDG: But this election is important, you can't let that terrible ________ get elected to ________.

This is where I like to teach them a lesson.

NIGP: Maybe I will vote. I think I will vote for that terrible _________.

UDG: Why?

NIGP: I don't know, I haven't really thought it out. It's kind of funny, though. I wasn't even going to vote and now I'm cancelling out your vote. It's actually like I kind of convinced you not to vote. (ducks the punch usually coming at this point)

Remember, your vote doesn't really count for much. However, money talks.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Top 11 More Appropriate Names For The University Of Denver's Sports Teams Now That They've Decided Not To Bring Back Their Pioneer Mascot

The University of Denver has decided that bringing back their former mascot "Boone The Pioneer" would be insensitive and hurtful:

DENVER - Boone the Pioneer, the longtime face of the University of Denver, will stay in retirement after the school's chancellor called the cartoon "divisive" and said it doesn't reflect diversity.

The cartoon image of a grinning pioneer with his coonskin cap was the official mascot of the university from 1968 until 1998, when he was replaced by Ruckus, a red-tailed hawk.

Alumni and students urged Chancellor Robert Coombe to return the retired mascot to official or semi-official status.

Coombe sent an email to the university community on Monday rejecting that idea.

The e-mail read, in part, that DU "cannot adopt an official mascot that has a divisive rather than unifying influence on our community."

Coombe wrote that the cartoon pioneer "does not reflect the broad diversity of the DU community and is not an image that many of today's women, persons of color, international students and faculty, and others can easily relate to as defining the pioneering spirit."

DU spokesman Jim Berscheidt said Boone "doesn't really represent the DU of today."

In light of that decision, we think DU should scrap the Pioneers completely and come up with a new name for their sports teams that better represents the school today. Here are our Top 11 suggestions:

11. The Eunuchs

10. The International Female Persons of Color

9. The Vegan Goddesses

8. The Rainbow Peacemakers

7. The Sensitive Bureaucrats

6. The Pretty Ponies

5. The All Inclusives

4. The Davy No Cocketts

3. The Brokeback Mountaineers

2. The Crimson Hermaphrodites

1. The Community Organizers

Monday, October 20, 2008

Light Blogging

Blogging will be even lighter than usual through December. Due to the tragic discontinuation of their favorite beverage, the Nihilist, MFB, Fuzzy Nietzsche, and JB will be too busy tracking down and stockpiling Zima to blog much.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Rockers Against McCain

Jon Bon Jovi recently spoke out against the use of his band's song, 'Who Says You Can't Go Home' at rallies for McCain's presidential campaign. While Bon Jovi has not threatened legal action, he clearly expressed his disapproval of the McCain campaign's use of his song.

"We are surprised to hear that our song 'Who Says You Can't Go Home' was used by the McCain campaign at rallies yesterday and today," the rocker said in a statement. "We wrote this song as a thank you to those who have supported us over the past 25 years, despite the fact that our music really sucks. The entire band feels that a presidential campaign shouldn't co opt our music to promote their political ideology. There are so many great American songwriters. Cole Porter, George Gershwin, why would they use this shit sandwich that is 'Who Says You Can't Go Home?'"

Bon Jovi is in good company among the wuss rock elite. Recently the band Heart objected to McCain's running mate Sarah Palin's use of their anthem to suck, "Barracuda," at the Republican National Convention.

"Ann and Nancy Wilson of Heart have informed the McCain/Palin Campaign that Universal Music Publishing and Sony BMG have sent a cease-and-desist notice to not use one of Heart's craptastic songs 'Barracuda', as the congratulatory theme for Sarah Palin. We, well really just Ann, are very jealous of the fact that Governor Palin has kept her figure well past the age that we, again just Ann, has ballooned into a slightly less attractive twin of Captain Lou Albano. Governor Palin's attractiveness is an affront to all women who have let themselves go and we will not stand for it."

Not all wuss rockers feel the same as Bon Jovi and Heart. Sammy Hagar, who presided over the decline of once listenable Van Halen, seemed downright giddy that the Republican hopefuls have co opted the anthem to mediocrity, "Right Now."

"When I wrote the lyrics to ‘Right Now’ I intended them to inspire people to not sit around and mope because they didn't have half the talent or voice of David Lee Roth, but to go out and get it — to make a change however they needed to. Whether it was McCain who used the song or if Obama had chosen to use the song, I'm just thrilled that someone remembers something I recorded."

Monday, October 13, 2008

Top 11 Things Republicans Really Are Raging About

11. Halliburton stock has tanked

10. Tony Romo injury sinks W's Fantasy Football team

9. Brad Childress still coaching the Vikings

8. Now have to go back to the 1970s to backdate stock options

7. Hugh Hewitt hasn't released a new book for three months

6. Hard to find a good monocle and top hat these days

5. Golf season coming to a close

4. Waiting lists for classes at Dartmouth during students' first two years having a deleterious effect on their ability to later take time time needed for their thesis and research projects

3. Big oil companies not making as much money this quarter

2. Scarlett Johansson refuses to date non-Democrats

1. Newly released Highland Park 40 Year Old Scotch has disappointing finish

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Top 11 Titles to Grammy Winning Polka Albums

11. Polka! All Night Long (Jimmy Sturr, 1996 Best Polka Album)

10. Gone Polka (Jimmy Sturr, 2001 Best Polka Album)

9. Another Polka Celebration (Eddie Blazoncyk, 1986 Best Polka Recording)

8. Born To Polka (Jimmy Sturr, 1988 Best Polka Recording)

7. Polka In Paradise (Jimmy Sturr, 2006 Best Polka Album)

6. Accordionally Yours (Walter Ostanek, 1993 Best Polka Album)

5. Living On Polka Time (Jimmy Sturr, 1998 Best Polka Album)

4. Touched By A Polka (Jimmy Sturr, 2000 Best Polka Album)

3. Shake, Rattle And Polka! (Jimmy Sturr, 2005 Best Polka Album)

2. Polkasonic (Brave Combo, 1999 Best Polka Album)

1. Let's Polka 'Round (Jimmy Sturr, 2003 Best Polka Album)

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Besides Not Being Aware That Bill Ayers Was An Unrepentant Terrorist, Top 11 Other Things Barack Obama Didn't Know About People From Chicago

11. Harry Caray wasn't a teetotaler

10. Mrs. O'Leary wasn't very careful

9. Shoeless Joe Jackson wasn't a man of unimpeachable integrity

8. The Cubs haven't won the World Series recently

7. Coach Ditka had a bit of a temper

6. Michael Jordan had athletic talent

5. Mayor Daley had a father who was also in politics

4. Ferris Bueller skipped school

3. Al Capone had ties to organized crime

2. Oprah Winfrey has a television show

1. John Wayne Gacy wasn't just a happy clown


My financial strategy of keeping all of my money in my checking account has been mocked and ridiculed for years. Hah! I bet all of you financial geniuses wish you had my 0.10% return right now, don’t you?

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Your Birthday Comes Around Once A Week And It’s Christmas Every Day

Editors note: my lack of recent posting has been due to my involvement in an intense blogger mentoring program. I have been following a noted national blogger around, taking notes and trying to improve my game. It has been a priveledge to be taken under his wing. Although he probably wouldn't want to be named here, let's just say his name rhymes with Schmed Horrisy. Anyway, my mentor has worked with me to enhance my writing to the point where I can pen this ever so serious piece on the recent $700 million bailout of the American financial sector.

The bailout is a strange animal. It doesn't fall along partisan lines. George W. Bush, Barak Obama and John McCain all supported it. Reliable conservatives like Michelle Bachmann and John Kline had a rare disagreement over it. On the liberal side, Keith Ellison supported and Tim Walz opposed.

It seemed like the base opposition to the bailout came from the conservative side of the Republican party, good hearted folks like Rep. Bachmann. Their logic is that the bailout is government interference with the free market. Interestingly, they were joined by some bedwetting lefty weenies like Dennis Kucinich and crooks like William Jefferson, who objected on the grounds that allowing the economy to crash would harm rich people and folks that wouldn't give them bribes.

So where do you go to determine the truth on an issue that reliable conservatives disagree upon. Obviously, the Nihilist in Golf Pants. For more on the subject, I recommend read King Banaian's thoughts here. King is a sharp guy and I generally agree with his take on the topic. However, his column is more a defense of how the free market didn't create the conditions we are in now as opposed to commentary on whether the bailout was a good idea. I shall now explain why it was. Be warned, this is pointy-headed stuff, so if you don't like economics, go look at some internet porn.

I am not suggesting that the bailout was a perfect solution or even desirable. With better regulation of Fannie and Freddie, with Barney Frank in some bathhouse as opposed to in congress, this unfortunate situation may have been avoided. However, given the situation we needed to pass this bill.

Why? Because the banking system must not fail. Today we have a situation where many banks bought assets called mortgage backed securities. Think of them like a bond. You buy them and get paid interest. Recently, some of these bonds began to default. It looks like the banks paid too much for them. Again, I am not going in to the reason that this happened, but it did indeed happen.

So now we have a bunch of banks whose asset values have dropped a lot and other banks who were good citizens and had their asset values drop a little.

It is a fact that cash management is important to the business of banking. Put another way, every day every bank in the world needs to match up their assets (lending) with their liabilities (deposits, borrowing and reserves.) The Federal Reserve helps do this through the Fed Funds Window. The Fed Funds Window essentially provides overnight loans to the biggest banks in America. Those banks then lend overnight to smaller banks.

Over the last two weeks, smaller banks faced an increasingly difficult time borrowing from larger banks. The reason is that the larger banks couldn't tell if the smaller banks had plunging asset values or not. Credit began to freeze up. Many banks that had trouble getting funds were still in good shape. That is, until they couldn't get the funds they required to operate.

The bailout allows the government to purchase the impaired assets of banks, likely at a discount. Thus, the larger banks now can believe that the smaller banks assets are true and therefore will be more comfortable loaning to them. This will allow the small banks that are good citizens to avoid being punished as if they had risky bonds on their books.

Many have argued that the bail-out is giving money to rich capitalists that invested in corrupt or poorly managed companies. But a look at the stock prices of the companies in the headlines quickly discredits this. AIG, which has already been bailed out, is trading under $4 per share. Less than a year ago it was trading at $70. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac had traded over $50 within the last year. Now they are both below $1.50. Wachovia Bank, which will be bought by Wells Fargo as opposed to a federally brokered deal with Citigroup, fared slightly better. They are down from $50 to under $7.

The shareholders of all these beleagured institutions have lost nearly all their wealth. We don't need shareholders and employees of better institutions beat up because of a frozen credit market.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Top 11 Things That Will Change in the Post 2008 Economy

11. Leading U.S export item: Water that has been turned into wine by Obama.

10. Taxes increased until all nations in the world approve of us

9. Barney Frank dumps his Fannie Mae executive boyfriend in favor of a bigwig at The Money Store

8. Andrew Zimmern's next column will be a combination scathing indictment of capitalism and review of the soup of the day at the Dorothy Day Center

7. Andrea Mitchell forced into marriage with Ben Bernanke

6. The Department of Housing and Urban Development revolutionized by Secretary Tony Rezko

5. The Obama administration mandates that Pork Bellies be called Palin Bellies

4. Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac convince the public that the real culprit was the late comedian, Bernie Mac.

3. Warren Buffet infuses $5 billion of capital into Pawn America

2. The Original Mattress Factory produces a mattress with ready-made pockets for stuffing cash and becomes the hottest stock on Wall Street.

1. Lender of last resort: The Nihilist in Golf Pants (awash in royalty cash from bloggers stealing this bit).

Top 11 Other Historical Comparisons That Joe Biden Will Be Making At Tonight's Debate

11. When the D-Day invasion was taking place, General Westmoreland ordered Stealth fighters to provide air cover...

10. The Hamilton-Burr duel was actually about who had the best looking hair plugs.

9. When the Constitution was ratified, President Jefferson sent a telegram...

8. When the civil rights act was being signed, Fitty Cent played the after-party

7. When the Civil War started, President Johnson got on a conference call....

6. During the height of the cold war, FDR and Stalin sat down over a Zima...

5. When the first man landed on the moon, President Ford blogged about it...

4. Did we give up when the Germans attacked Pearl Harbor? No!

3. When the Berlin Wall fell, President Clinton sent a text message from his iPhone...

2. When America bought Alaska from Seward, people scoffed and called it the Maytag Freezer, but I thought it was a good investment.

1. When the financial panic of 1893 hit, President McKinley got on the radio...