Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Brett Favre Spurned The Vikings

11. Street price for Vicodin way higher in Minneapolis than Green Bay

10. Doesn't want to be associated with a state that would elect a clown to the U.S. Senate

9. The only street Minneapolis was willing to rename after him was Dowling Avenue

8. Angry that Colin Peterson refused to hold a town meeting with him

7. Spurned them for now, but still might change his mind in a week or so

6. Sage Rosenfelds put a severed horse's head in his bed

5. Intimidated by reports that John David Booty looked excellent in OTAs

4. Just found out Randy Moss doesn't play for the Vikings any more

3. Doesn't want to be the second best QB in the Metrodome this year, behind Joe Maurer

2. Wants to be remembered by his last five games with the Jets

1. Fears it will be impossible to obtain the inevitable surgeries required from the pounding of a football season under Obamacare

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Top 11 Things Likely to be Said When Obama, Gates and Crowley Meet Over Beers at the White House

11) So, how long have you been a racist?

10) Which do you cling more to, your guns or your religion?

9) I'll open another beer for your mother!

8) What do you have against dark beer Crowley?

7) Do I want more pretzels? Why, because I'm a black man in America!?

6) I just saw some white guy with hair plugs breaking into the Vice President's office, draw your gun and go get him!

5) I really like this "Budweiser." I'll have my staff get a six-pack of it as a diplomatic gift for Angela Merkel.

4) If you want to throw your weight around and bully the little people, become a Harvard professor.

3) I understand this is how you working people socialize, by lubricating your social interactions with coarse intoxicating beverages.

2) All of tonight's selections are from the Fraters Libertas Beer of the Week Collection

1) I love you man!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Might As Well Face It, He's A Dick

Since Preident Obama's press conference didn't go so well last night, I thought he might have more success if he put his healthcare plan to music. Robert Palmer's "Bad Case of Loving You (Doctor Doctor)" works nicely.

A big summer fight is what Congress gets
I'm gotta pass my healthcare yet
I need Rahm to bang some heads
And make them blue dog Dems see red

Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I got a
Bad healthcare plan for you
No choice and big wait lines too, I got a
Bad healthcare plan for you

You're gonna wait, for surgery on your heart
Illegal aliens are covered from the start
You can keep your plan was my little white lie
When you're too old, it's your job to die

Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I got a
Bad healthcare plan for you
You'll wait in line 'till you're literally blue, I got a
Bad healthcare plan for you

I like raising taxes, especially on top
But at lower levels, do you think I'll stop?

Doctor pay'll go down, practically to zip
Complain and I'll say shut your lip
Shake your fist, and curse the day
You voted for change, destruction's on the way

Doctor Doctor, gimme the news I got a
Bad healthcare plan for you
I'm socialist, nothing you can do, I got a
Bad healthcare plan for you

Top 11 Next Candidates Who Will Seek Positions Of Power In Papa John Kolstad's Wake

Now that the Minneapolis City Republican Committee has endorsed Papa John Kolstad to run for mayor of Minneapolis, we expect it to start a new trend in politics. Here are the Top 11 Next Candidates Who Will Seek Positions Of Power In Papa John Kolstad's Wake.

11. David "Big Papi" Ortiz to run for mayor of Boston

10. New York Giants announcer Bob Poppa to run for mayor of East Rutherford, NJ

9. Papa John Phillips to head the DEA

8. Popa Chubby for blues king of New York

7. The corpse of Ernest "Papa" Hemmingway to run for mayor of Key West

6. The corpse of George "Papa Bear" Halas to run for mayor Chicago (and likely win)

5. "Papa Up" Ron Jackson for commissioner of baseball

4. Papa Roach to run for health inspector of Vacaville, California

3. Reni Santon--the actor who played Poppie on "Seinfeld"--to run for mayor of NYC on a strong pro-life platform

2. Actress Poppy Montgomery to run in place, without wearing a bra

1. Papa Smurf to run for Minneapolis Civil Rights Commissioner

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Top 11 Future Posts By Mitch Berg Of Things He's Supposed To Love But Can't Stand

Over at Shot in the Dark, Mitch Berg has an on-going series of posts that have the title "Things I'm Supposed To Love But Can't Stand: ____" with the blank being filled with a different thing in each post. So far, Mitch's series includes such things as:

- Single Malt Scotch

- The Simpsons

- Seinfeld

- The Beatles

- Jazz

Here is our List of the Top 11 Future Posts By Mitch Of Things He's Supposed To Love But Can't Stand

11. Baseball

10. Hot dogs

9. Apple pie

8. Pina Coladas

7. Walks in the rain

6. Puppies

5. The Godfather

4. Sunshine

3. Oxygen

2. Sex

1. Smoke detectors

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

He'll Fit Right In

Nick "Non-Monkey" Coleman, October 2004:

Bloggers are hobby hacks, the Internet version of the sad loners who used to listen to police radios in their bachelor apartments and think they were involved in the world.


Most bloggers are not fit to carry a reporter’s notebook.


Bloggers don’t know about anything that happened before they sat down to share their every thought with the moon. Like graffiti artists, they tag the public square.


[Blogs] are to journalism what ticks are to elephants.

Nick "Non-Monkey" Coleman, July 2009:

Hai guyz: I haz a blog!

This should generate more Top 11 lists than Brokeback Mountain and Alexi Casilla combined.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Top 11 People Who Would Be Worse Number 2 Hitters than Sisyphus

I think the Nihilist was a little harsh on Sisyphus in that last post, possibly resulting in hurt feelings and future threats to reduce his blog output. In an effort to make the big guy feel a little better about himself, I offer the top 11 number 2 hitters worse than Sisyphus:

11. Honus Wagner (dead)

10. Ted Williams (cryogenic freezing is bound to put a hitch in his swing when he's revived)

9. Michael Jackson (no major league experience, dead)

8. Cher (no major league experience, woman, botox)

7. The guy who does the Blog House column (no major league experience, always gets fooled by junk from lefties)

6. Elvis (overweight, dead)

5. Sephen Hawking (no major league experience, Lou Gherig's disease)

4. Lou Gherig (Lou Gherig's disease, dead)

3. Elmer Fudd (no major league experience, unathletic, possibly dead, cartoon)

2. Misanthropic Frat Boy (baseball is not hockey)

1. Matt Tolbert

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Top 11 Players Who Would Make A Worse Number 2 Hitter than Alexi Casilla

So Mr. Negative (Sisyphus) is down on Ron Gardenhire for batting Alexi Casilla 2nd in what otherwise is a very potent order. Being a glass half full kind of guy, I prefer to look on the bright side. Here are a few people who would be worse.

11. Carol Gardenhire (no baseball experience, but brings the (True Value) hardware home for Ron) - at least nepotism isn't rampant in the Twins organization

10. Jake Maurer (.256 and no HRs in 5 years in the minors) - if nepotism was rampant, he would be the Twins likely #2 hitter

9. Twins mascott TC - it would be hard to turn on the ball in a bear costume

8. Yancarlos Ortiz (batting .226 this year at AA New Britain) - scheduled to become a Gardenhire favorite in 2011

7. Sisyhpus (no major or minor league experience) - hey, if you couldn't play for the Twins you don't deserve to criticise them

6. Willie Norwood (.242 lifetime average with the Twins) - sure, he's a better hitter but he was a disaster in the field

5. Tony Oliva (turns 71 years old tomorrow) - I don't doubt Tony could hit the ball better than Casilla, but he'd be a liability on the base path

4. Kirby Puckett - because he's dead, his productivity would likely be lower than Casilla

3. Rondell White (hit .174 for the Twins in 2007) Gardy stuck with this guy longer than Casilla (so far)

2. Eddie Gaedel (one major league plate appearance) - standing 3 feet 7 inches tall, Gaedel was one of Bill Veek's more egregious publicity stunts

1. Matt Tolbert (.178 as the Twins #2 hitter for most of the first half of the season)

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Top 11 Players Who Would Make A Better Number 2 Hitter than Alexi Casilla

I am starting to get more than a little peaved with Minnesota Twins manager Ron Gardenhire’s insistence on batting the inept Alexi Casilla (.169 Avg. 8 Runs 5 RBIs) in the number two spot. In order to help the Twins out, I offer the top 11 players who would make a better number 2 hitter than Casilla:

11. Mario Mendoza (career .215 Avg.)

10. Nick Punto (.201 26 Runs 16 RBIs)

9. Toby Gardenhire (.257 15 Runs 13 RBIs in AA ball)

8. Jose Morales (.343 10 Runs 4 RBIs)

7. Brian Buscher (.210 8 Runs 9 RBIs)

6. Carlos Zambrano (.238 5 Runs 7 RBIs pitching for the Cubs)

5. Joe Crede (.238 33 Runs 40 RBIs)

4. Delmon Young (.266 20 Runs 25 RBIs)

3. Carlos Gomez (.242 28 Runs 20 RBIs and playing much better lately)

2. Brendan Harris (.274 31 Runs 26 RBIs)

1. Freddy Sanchez (.318 42 Runs 38 RBIs with Pittsburgh)

Friday, July 17, 2009

Top 11 Things Hugh Hewitt Really Was Doing In Kosovo

11. Taping some ads for his new sponsor, Roger Schlesinger's Sharia Mortgage Minute

10. Trying to recruit a ringer for his trivia team so he can finally beat the Fraters

9. Wanted a close-up look at a war Paul Wellstone supported

8. Conducting research his new book "Painting Pristina Red"

7. Hugh now has more vacation time than there are non-war zone vacation spots

6. Checking the conditions at a Dockers sweatshop there

5. Compiling evidence that the results in 2007 Kosovar Assembly elections are a good sign for Mitt Romney's chances for President in 2012

4. Interviewing the low cost replacement for Generalissimo Duane, Vizier Vojin

3. On a fundraising mission for a bankrupt, dysfunctional government: California's

2. Just driving along the coast, or walking by himself along the Kopaonik Trail, or something, no big deal

1. Secretly trying out for a spot on the Kosovar snowmobile team for the 2010 Winter Olympics

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Nihilist Fantasy Meets Reality

From the Nihilist in Golf Pants, June 21, 2008 - Top 11 Items in the Star Tribune Plan to Exit Bankruptcy:

10) Start a new section devoted exclusively to news about Brett Favre joining the Vikings

Star Tribune announcement, July 13, 208:

With anticipation building for Brett Favre's formal arrival in Minnesota, the local media is making preparations for the event. The Minneapolis Star Tribune has launched a "Brett Favre Page," devoted to the man who is widely expected to play quarterback for the local team in 2009.

I supposed we should be flattered. And wondering where our check is for consultant services. In reality, we're even more pessimistic about their future. When they're stealing ideas from the Nihilst in Golf Pants, you know they're in trouble.

Top 11 Highlights of the Real-Time Audio Replay of the Apollo 11 Mission

NASA is replaying the real-time audio of the Apollo 11 mission exactly 40 years after it happened. Being geeks, we’re listening to every second. But if you don’t have the time for that, here are the top 11 highlights:

11. “What idiot meal planner decided to make the first night bean burrito night?”

10. “How did you say this toilet works, again?”

9. “If Aldrin asks ‘Are we there yet?’ one more time, I’m gonna clock him.”

8. “The Mohave dessert looks beautiful tonight, err … I mean it looks beautiful when seen from out here in space, which is where we are right now, of course.”

7. "There seems to be a big, black, featureless slab in our landing area."

6. “Wow, being the first men to walk on the moon is an incredible honor and indescribably amazing, right Collins? Oops, sorry, I’m sure piloting the Command Module is great too.”

5. "Enough with the jokes about Uranus! And enough with the jokes about the full moon!"

4. “The Romulans are attacking, arm the photon torpedoes!”

3. "Why is it that we can put me on the moon, but we can't make diet soda with real soda taste!"

2. “Just think, forty years from now trips like this to the moon will be routine.”

1. "Houston, we have a problem. I'm really horny."

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Top 11 Questions Al Franken Will Ask Judge Sotomayor Today

11. Can you briefly explain who you are and what my role here is supposed to be?

10. As part of my research for a new piece for Playboy I need to ask: what do you like to wear under your robe?

9. Can a middle aged Jewish guy be as wise as a Latina?

8. Will you provide a back cover blurb for my new book "Antonin Scalia Is a Big Fat Idiot"?

7. Funny how, am I a clown, do I amuse you?

6. Do you speak English?

5. This is hypothetical, but say hypothetically, that someone provided some primo hypothetical coke to a co-worker, and hypothetically, that co-worker later overdosed. Could that hypothetical co-worker be charged with anything 27 years later?

4. Help me out here, would Paul Wellstone have voted to confirm you?

3. Speaking of judicial briefs, have you seen my pants?

2. What is the statute of limitations for election fraud?

1. Who is the wiser Latina, you or Gilda Radner?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Top 11 Reasons The Initial Obama Stimulus Package Has Failed To Revitalize The Economy

11. Turns out abortions and contraceptives not as potent economic multipliers as Nancy Pelosi predicted

10. Not enough money spent on arts cooperatives

9. Package too small to properly penetrate most sensitive stimulus areas

8. Sarah Palin somehow stopped it from working

7. Congress given far too much time to analyze and debate the stimulus bill before it was passed

6. Consumers and investors waiting for cap and trade to guarantee that the recovery will be green

5. Greedy bourgeoisie businessmen, sinister speculators, corrupt kulaks, and other enemies of the people are engaging in counter-revolutionary behavior

4. In hindsight, expecting Joe Biden to help stimulate anything was probably a mistake

3. Al Franken's new found seriousness has robbed the nation of mirth and plunged everyone into depression

2. It would have worked, if only the mainstream media had shown a little support for Obama

1. Americans waiting for the reassurance of a wise Latina woman on the Supreme Court

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Memories, Sweetened Thru The Ages Just Like Beer And Stale Popcorn

The closing of Al's Bar yesterday after 83 years has my close circle of the alternative media abuzz. Atomizer awoke from his posting drought to discuss the past and the future of the corner of France Ave. and Excelsior Blvd., along with some personal introspection. Yesterday I had the opportunity to discuss on NARN the tax implication that led to yet another neighborhood bar closing.

It was a nice discussion, but we didn't really have the chance to get into some of the stories about why Al's was special. Sure, I've been going there for 23 years, and have spent about 45 Monday nights a year there over the last two decades, but why?

Al's was a neighborhood bar. There are some characteristics that make a bar a neighborhood bar. First of all, a neighborhood bar is not hip or trendy. That means the clientele are the type of people that live and work in the neighborhood. Nurses and cashiers, mechanics and middle managers, retirees and college students all feel welcome. Guys in suits sit next to a team of pudgy softball players.

Some neighborhood bars have a kitchen that may have a reputation. Al's didn't. You could have them heat up a frozen pizza or a cheddar wurst. There were no menus. Bad popcorn was ubiquitous, and salted peanuts were $1 a bag, but that was it. It was a liquor bar. Beer was the drink of choice of most patrons, including myself. It was a simple place to drink and converse. There were decent televisions, but it wasn't a sports bar in the sense that you were assured a view of the game. Al's did have a reputation as the smokiest bar in the west metro until the advent of smoking bans.

My memories of Al's will center around their beer specials. In the late 1980's and early 1990's, we would send a pretty good large of friends to Al's on Monday night. Al's Monday special was their "mug club night." You would buy a cheap mug ($3 or so) and you could refill it for $0.50. The mug was glass, and we were encouraged to bring it back every Monday.

Invariably, each Monday someone in our group would forget their mug and would beg the waitress to sell them a mug of beer for the special price. We were pretty familiar to the waitresses, so they usually obliged. One waitress used to refer to Mondays as, "I forgot my mug club night." Ultimately, the bartenders finally agreed to sell our group specially priced pitchers so we wouldn't have to mess with the mugs anymore. That arrangement lasted until the very end.

For a while, remember we were young, we spent our Wednesday evenings at Al's for three for two pitcher night. When you ordered a pitcher, the waitress would give you a coupon. When you had two coupons you could get a free pitcher. At the time pitchers were $5.50 or so. Our group would show up and buy the first pitcher or two. Meanwhile, there would be groups of people who just wanted to stop by for a pitcher. They would have an extra coupon (sometimes two) and as they left they often would toss it on our table. There were nights where we would pay for three pitchers and drink nine or ten. As a poor post-graduate student, I appreciated the generosity of the more temperate patrons.

The best part of Mondays at Al's was the fact that you never knew who would show up. As we aged, many friends couldn't make it out to Al's anymore. But everyone knew that someone would be at Al's every Monday. That meant that if the wife and kids were out of town or they had to work late or if they really wanted to watch the game, an old friend might walk through the door and time would stop. There's no way to replace that.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Top 11 Surprises At The Michael Jackson Memorial

11. Kobe Bryant and Luke Walton perform heart-rending rendition of "Ebony & Ivory"

10. Sister Janet keeps her top on

9. Scott Baio seated next to Margaret Thatcher

8. President Obama remained in Russia, rather than returning home to the USA to raise Michael from the dead

7. Slightly lower than usual price gouging by Ticketmaster

6. Closing hymn was "Eat It" by Weird Al Yankovic

5. Most coherent eulogy given by Bubbles the Chimp

4. Wailing and weeping by Jackson's doctors far exceeded grief displayed by family

3. Eulogy by Bernard Law

2. Joseph Merrick's heirs offer Jackson's family $1 Million for Michael's bones

1. After embalming, Jackson actually looks more alive now than he has for the last five years

Monday, July 06, 2009

Top 11 Senate Etiquette Faux Pas That Al Franken Will Commit As He Takes His Seat Today

11. Squirting seltzer bottles on Senate floor

10. His "APPLAUSE" signs will clash with Senate decor

9. Throwing a pie in the face of the Sergeant at Arms and Doorkeeper

8. Bringing a drummer to Senate floor to provide rim shots during debates

7. Addressing Minority Leader as "big fat idiot" highly frowned upon

6. Demands for courtesy laughter for failed jokes overruled as not required by Senate rules

5. Insistence that his colleagues call him Senator Franken-Wellstone

4. Liberally interjecting the f-word into his oath of office

3. Colleagues not amused with "satirical" joke about drugging and raping Barbara Boxer

2. Diaper and rabbit ears violation of dress code

1. Repeatedly referring to the Cloak Room as the Coke Room

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Top 11 Star Tribune Headlines If Coleman Would Have Won the Disputed Recount

The Minnesota Supreme Court ends the Minnesota election contest, effectively naming Al Franken the winner. The Star Tribune's front page headline reaction:

At last, a second senator for Minnesota

The exasperation is palpable. That pesky legal process and getting a fair hearing for disputes is sooooo annoying. At last, we get to add a hyper partisan ultra-liberal Democrat politician to a governing body already crawling with them. What a relief!

The slow motion nightmare of this election, which miraculously evolved from a 700+ vote lead for Coleman on election night to a 300+ loss is indeed over. There were enough intriguing subplots (including missing ballots, found ballots, double counted ballots, uncounted ballots, a series of uni-directional clerical errors, lax standards, moving standards, unequal standards, etc.) to merit a best selling political thriller. Or a horror movie screenplay, if you are a Republican. (In fact, I'm working on a treatment of it for the next sequel in the Saw franchise).

The lack of journalistic curiosity and ginned up outrage over the high strangeness of some of the procedures and outcomes were constant themes. That Star Tribune headline is a perfect ending to their role in the process. But I wonder, if the election played out in the exact same way, except Franken and Coleman's roles were switched, what would the headline be?

Here are the Top 11 likely suspects:

11) Coleman's Victory A Hollow One As Doubts Linger

10) Coleman Wins, Minnesota Voters Lose

9) Court Imposes Verdict On Voters

8) Coleman's Coup Complete

7) Senator George W. Coleman

6) Disenfranchisement: Women and Minorities Hardest Hit

5) Laurie Coleman Out of Sight As Norm Declares Victory: Senator to Visit Argentina?

4) Secretary of State Ritchie Fails to Live Up to His Potential

3) Supreme Court and Coleman to Minnesota Voters: Drop Dead

2) There Goes Our Bailout

1) Our Democracy Is Burning