Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Top 11 Ways Power Line Celebrated Its Fifth Birthday

11. Decided to cut loose by unbuttoning top dress shirt button

10. Called Dan Rather every fifteen minutes to invite him to their birthday party

9. Sent the leftover cake to Jim Boyd’s retirement party

8. Hired some decent strippers for the Duke Lacrosse team’s consolation party

7. John and Scott beat Paul Mirengoff with tire irons until he acknowledged that Arsenal is superior to Everton

6. Sent their latest pay stubs to Nick Coleman to taunt his inability to get them fired from their day jobs

5. Cranked up the Muddy Waters and got their mojo working

4. Worked on their plans for a Power Line cartoon so that they can win the one honor that has escaped them: City Pages Right Wing Blogger of the Year

3. Cocaine fueled orgy with Lindsay Lohan.

2. Wrote heartfelt eulogies on how their lives were made richer by Charles Nelson Reilly

1. Relived their college days by streaking through the Dartmouth library

Friday, May 25, 2007

Top 11 Things MN State Senate President James Metzen Could Have Said To Try To Get Out Of His DWI Arrest

11. Don’t you know who I am? I’m Mike Hatch’s daughter.

10. No, I’m positive we changed the blood alcohol level to .8, not .08

9. If you arrest me, Minnesota will become just like Alabama.

8. If you had to work with Phyllis Kahn, you'd be drunk too.

7. I'm not driving drunk, I'm impersonating Ted Mondale.

6. I've talked to the Minnesota Supreme Court about me getting hypothetically arrested and they all agree that they would overturn my case.

5. My arms are more powerful than your guns!

4. Aren’t there some Republicans you could go arrest?

3. No, I haven't been drinking. I've been inspecting E85 refineries with Judi Dutcher.

2. We couldn’t think of which wine went with pork, so we tried them all.

1. If that SOB Pawlenty would just let us raise taxes, this never would have happened!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Top 11 Ways To Win Back The Wealthy To The Republican Party

The Elder notes a problem that I’ve been worried about for quite some time: the Republican Party seems to be losing the wealthy to the Democratic Party. It is time to win back the mega-rich like Al Franken, Mike Ceresi, George Soros, John Edwards, etc. to the party of Hairy Backed Swamp Developers (and Nihilists in Golf Pants). Here are the Top 11 ways to win them back:

11. Free $400 hair cuts for all Presidential candidates

10. Drop the whole "tort reform" nonsense

9. Require automakers to produce hybrid limos

8. Enough carbon offsets for ten round trips New York-Paris to all Democrats with private jets who switch parties

7. Assistance in African adoptions

6. Nominate Bono to succeed Paul Wolfowitz at the World Bank

5. Make latte the official national drink

4. Call for strict gun control with an exception for bodyguards

3. Build security fence around Upper Manhattan to restrict flow of tunnel people

2. Amnesty for undocumented trophy wives

1. Make back-dating stock options a Constitutional right

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Top 11 Requirements of the New Immigration Bill

11. Illegals granted the right to vote for John McCain in the Republican primary

10. Official language of USA changed to Spanish

9. California to be renamed "Newer Mexico"

8. George Steinbrenner will have the authority to bestow citizenship on anyone he wants

7. No border fence will be erected, but if an alien steps on a crack in the sidewalk marking the border, they break their mothers back

6. Foreign soccer players will never be considered celebrities

5. Eckernet declared to be hate speech

4. Phil Collins awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his inspiring rendition of "Illegal Alien"

3. Al-Qada operatives urged to register with department of immigration

2. Corona beer declared to be urine-free

1. All sides agree any negative impact from this bill to be blamed on George W. Bush

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Top 11 Other Evaluations Made By Jimmy Carter

11. Nobody holds their liquor better than David Hasselhoff, except maybe Obnoxious Packer Guy

10. If anything, Randy Moss tries too hard

9. Paris Hilton should loosen up and put out once in awhile

8. Rosie O’Donnell is hot

7. Art Schlichter is a lucky guy

6. Brett Favre is a PR genius

5. John Edwards should cough up the dough for a decent haircut

4. Ramon Ortiz is the most consistent pitcher in baseball

3. Ted Kennedy is a great driver

2. Michael Moore is the premier diet guru in America

1. Bill Clinton has no lust in his heart


In a recent post, I mistakenly insinuated that Alanis Morisette was dead. It turns out that I only wished she was dead. I apologize for any confusion that this reporting error caused. After all, that's what happens when you work without editors.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Carter Calls Bush Administration "Worst In History"

He singled him out for having especially poor performance on foreign policy. All while promoting his book on the bible. Where do I begin?

Alanis Morisette must be spinning in her grave!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Warning: Avoid This Movie

In my travels this week, I learned that airlines other than Northwest still offer some perks. In addition to free peanuts for coach passengers, Continental offers movies on flights in excess of two hours. Unfortunately, this can be a mixed blessing.

I was recently subjected to an in-flight airing of "Because I Said So." This movie stars Diane Keaton as an overbearing mother and Lauren Graham, Mandy Moore and Piper Perabo as the three daughters whose lives she meddles in. Keaton is mostly concerned with youngest daughter Mandy Moore, who she worries won't find a man. Just to show you how ridiculous this is, this is Mandy Moore:

Anyway, Keaton takes out a personal for Mandy, and Mandy ends up dating two guys who interviewed with her mom. One is approved by Keaton, a rich architect. This goes to show that the writers of this film have never met Atomizer. The other is a, gasp, musician with a kid.

Cliches abound as the mother pushes for the architect while the daughter loves the musician. Of course, this is modern America, so Mandy gets it on with both men. Guess who wins out in the end? Hint: it's not the rich, snobby guy.

Nihilist rating: triple bogey.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Video Separated at Birth: Kentucky Derby Style

Calvin Borel rode Street Sense to victory. He has an uncanny resemblence to America's favorite water boy.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Running Into The Rammer

Today while in the first class line to pass through the security checkpoint at MSP airport, I noticed a familiar face in front of me. Could it be my US Congressional Representative, the Republican-lite Jim Ramstad? It sure looked like him. But he wasn't acting in the manner I would expect from a Congressman. He was patiently waiting in a long line instead of demanding special treatment and threatening the Federal TSA employees with an aggrivated, "Do you know who I am?" I know I would have done that were I in his position. Given his lack of animation, I doubted his identity for a minute until I was assured that it was indeed him by the monogram on his worn leather briefcase.

We at NIGP may have in the past said a thing or two to disparage the Rammer. However, the fact that he stood in line with the common people tells me he isn't too self-important. So, as his constituent, I was faced with a challenge. Should I gripe to him about every single vote he's made that I disagree with, or should I just give him a gracious hello. Inspired by his lack of pretention, I settled for the gracious hello, although I did tell him to keep the faith. I hope he understands that means to vote straight along the party line from now on.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

This One May Get Me Into Trouble Today

Last year, Salary.com determined that the time mothers spend performing 10 typical job functions would equate to an annual salary of $138,095 for a stay-at-home mom. If you customize their results for the high cost of living in the Twin Cities, the total becomes $150,407. If that seems exorbitant to you, you're not alone. I decided to audit Salary.com's findings to find the true value of a mom (compensation-wise only of course).

Salary.com used ten job descriptions to determine mom's salary to account for time she spends in different roles. Part of the reason Mom's pay is so high is that these roles account for nearly 92 hours each week. Yet the first item on Salary.com's list of mom duties is CEO. If Salary.com wants to argue that mom is a managerial position, then mom is not eligible for overtime. Here is a breakdown of mom's roles according to Salary.com.

Chief Executive Officer
Facilities Manager
Day Care Center Teacher
Computer Operator I
Cook - Institution
Laundry Machine Operator
Van Driver

Let's start at the top. Mom as CEO. I recall the salad days of my youth, when mom orchestrated a hostile takeover of the Johnson family down the street and outsourced dad to India before jetting off to Wall Street to make a pitch to Goldman Sachs. No wait, I don't remember that at all. Because Mom is not a CEO. Let's strike that one.

Psychologist is equally silly. Prior to Dr. Spock and the self-indulgent baby boomers, the idea of mom as psychologist wouldn't hold any water at all. Simple phrases such as "no," "because I said so," and "life isn't fair," would replace all the psychological gobbledygook. We'll strike that one as well.

Facilities manager is actually a pretty decent job description for a mom. It is also the highest paying job on the board, with the exception of CEO. I'll generously allow it at $41.75 per hour for 6.4 hours each week.

Day care center teacher has one problem. Mom probably isn't licensed to teach in our over regulated state, so I'll have to take the salary down from $13.87 to a volunteer lay parent salary of $10.04. Also, the calculator allows 16.8 hours. I'll accept 10 hours.

Computer Operator I is a curious category. For 10,000 years moms didn't need a computer. I'm disallowing this on that principle.

Cook - Institutional is also difficult. Institutional cooks serve hundreds at a time. Mom serves a handful. In the interest of fairness, I'll allow the salary level at $14.18, but I'm going to reduce the 12.1 hours to 7 in this age of microwaves and car side to-go.

Laundry Machine Operator is a fair category. I'll allow both the salary of $10.04 and the 7.5 hours.

Van driver is also fair at $16.39 for 5.9 hours. Likewise with Janitor at $12.53 for 6.1 hours.

Finally, I'll allow the rate of $10.77 for housekeeper. However, I believe 18.9 hours is generous. I know people who have housekeepers and they come over for no more than 8 hours per week. Their houses look terrific. I'm sure mom perform jsut as efficiently as an illegal alien.

The good news for mom is that, at least according to Salary.com, she has no responsibility at all for any bedroom duty with dad. That's a pity, as I'd imagine that could considerably increase her compensation. Since I don't have a definitive authority on prostitute rates, I'll leave this one alone.

My recalculated total shows mom working just over 50 hours per week. If we don't allow overtime, she makes $32,751. Since the Minnesota state house will probably pass a law demanding pay and union representation for mom, she could pull down $46,138 with overtime. That seems fair, especially in a world rich with European au pairs who most certainly don't haul in anywhere near six digits in annual income.

Finally a thought on what dads can learn from this study. Cherish the time you spend tossing the ball around with your young children. After all, those are billable hours!

Happy Mother's Day to all!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Top 11 Real Reasons the Star Tribune Cancelled Lileks’ Column And Reassigned Him to Cover Local Stories

11. Afraid that if they canned Nick Coleman there would be riots in France

10. It finally dawned on the editors that they never see Lileks at MoveOn.org events

9. They were going to reassign Patrick Reusse instead, but were worried that he’d get mad and sit on them

8. Found out that Lileks appears on a radio show every Thursday with a guy who regularly urges people to cancel their Star Tribune subscription

7. Concerned that he wasn’t spending enough time with Gnat

6. Now that McClatchy has sold the paper, they are no longer under any pressure to run a token good writer

5. Anyone who can write 500 words on the design pattern of his paper towels without falling asleep at his typewriter has all the skills necessary for covering Soil and Water Conservation meetings

4. Never understood what this internet thing he kept talking about was

3. Editors tired of constantly reassuring Jim Boyd that James Lileks was really the pen name for liberal Hollywood actor Bob Balaban

2. Can hire eight humorists in India for the price of one Lileks

1. Realized that they could cancel him and yet continue reading him for free on the internet

Friday, May 11, 2007

Top 11 Differences Between Paris Hilton and Al Capone

11. Some people kinda felt sorry for Al Capone when he went to prison

10. Al Capone lived in an era with limited treatment options for syphilis

9. No one was literally killed in Paris Hilton’s St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

8. Al Capone relied less on his family for his success

7. Instead of firing his publicist upon being sentenced to prison, Al Capone would have had him iced

6. If Al Capone had received a sweet plea bargain, he wouldn’t have been stupid enough to botch it by failing to honor the terms

5. Al Capone has been played in movies by Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Wallace Beery, and Rod Steiger – Paris Hilton has been played in movies by Paris Hilton

4. Al Capone didn’t carry a tiny dog in his purse

3. Al Capone never definitively proved that he had no musical talent

2. Al Capone gave offers you couldn’t refuse, Paris Hilton never refused offers

1. Al Capone never called himself the “iconic blonde of the decade

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

A Call For Compassion

There has been a lot of unseemly giddiness among some of my fellow right-wing bloggers over the (non-Lileks) job loses over at the Star Tribune. While some of those losing their jobs have undoubtedly contributed to the Star Tribune’s steady decline, others losing their jobs are likely blameless.

If we refuse to be compassionate to all, we should at least have compassion for the more innocent victims. For example, there is no need to shed tears over the departure of Jim Boyd as deputy editorial page editor, but how about some thoughts and prayers for the now jobless team staffers who followed Boyd around to ensure that he wasn’t inadvertently exposed to any opinion that differed from his own?

Monday, May 07, 2007

Top 11 Plans to Cut Costs at the Star Tribune

11) Fire reporters, publish DFL press releases verbatim

10) Fire editorial board, start plagiarizing Henrik Hertzberg again

9) Fire columnists, hire $50 hobby columnists

8) Start delivering Star Tribune to pubic restrooms as toilet paper, include them in subscription numbers

7) To save newsprint costs, enforce strict one syllable limit on all words

6) Lobby legislature to make it a felony to take more than one paper from boxes without paying

5) Use Par Ridder’s password to hack into Pioneer Press computers and just run their stories

4) Have Lileks drive delivery truck after he's done reporting for the day

3) Double efforts in ignoring investigation into radical Muslims in the Twin Cities

2) Replace Paul Douglas with a monkey who throws darts to predict the weather

1) Make the writer of the Blog House column also start writing an Out House column about interesting political commentary written on public bathroom stalls

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Top 11 New Job Opportunities For Mike Hatch

11. Greeter at Wal-mart

10. Consigliere to the Corleone family *

9. Press secretary for DFL *

8. Minnesota's alternative fuels tsar

7. Full-time position as his daughter's criminal defense attorney *

6. Pimp for Republican whores

5. Mike Ciresi's personal caddy

4. Star Tribune editorial writer

3. Lori Swanson's personal valet

2. Labor relations mediator

1. Anger management counselor

* Left out when the Star Tribune reprinted this post in the Blog House

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

This Just Seems Wrong