Thursday, July 24, 2008

Top 11 Reasons the New York Times Rejected John McCain’s Op-Ed

11. Didn’t think it was fair to give McCain a lot of publicity while Obama was out of the country

10. The op-ed just wasn’t Obama-rific

9. It wasn’t up to the New York Times’ standard of requiring at least one correction

8. Didn’t think Obama would have wanted them to print it

7. McCain stubbornly refused to acquiesce to the editor’s insistence that he change the text to “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy” repeated over and over

6. They were afraid that McCain was using the op-ed to send coded messages to his North Vietnamese masters

5. New York Times has strict policy against printing op-eds by someone whom has been suspected of thinking about cheating on his wife

4. McCain advocated drilling for more oil, when everyone knows that drilling for more oil won’t increase the supply of oil

3. He kept going on about the Surge, and that reminded the editors of that crappy Surge Cola

2. It was written only in English

1. There was no mention of “hope” or “change” in the whole darn thing

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Decline of the American Political Mistress

I’m not one of those persons who constantly goes on about how much better things were back in the day; I believe that things tend to get better over time. Computers are faster, baseball pitchers throw harder, and Scotch is tastier than in the past. Nevertheless, we seem to be digressing in at least one area: the hotness of our high-level political mistresses. Consider the steady and steep decline from JFK’s Marilyn Monroe to Gary Hart’s Donna Rice to Bill Clinton’s Monica Lewinsky. And now we’ve reached rock bottom with John Edwards’ Baby Mama, Rielle Hunter. Come on, John, you can do better than that in any number of Americas.

I’m also not one to look to the French for guidance, but I have to admit that Nicolas Sarkozy has the mistress thing down:

The question is this: can Obama reverse the trend? I have the audacity to hope that he can. Although he denies even an e-mail relationship, I suspect that Scarlett Johannson would be his for the picking.

Barack Obama, here is one area where you could bring meaningful change and demonstrate that not all powerful American politicians choose uggo mistresses!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Top 11 New Attractions At Valleyfair

11. The Fist O' Pain
10. A Taste of Minneapolis
9. Mr. Toad's Savage Beating
8. Gangland, USA
7. Stompin’ with My Homies
6. Crip Canyon
5. High Roller and Kicker
4. It's A Nasty & Brutish World
3. The Haunted Hizz-ouse
2. The Groper (must be 12 years old or under to enter)
1. Tilt-A-Whitey

Monday, July 21, 2008

Top 11 Things Overheard On Barack Obama’s World Tour

11. Doesn't anyone here speak English?

10. Is Afghanistan the 55th or 56th state?

9. What temperature should Americans set their thermostats to?

8. Sure, I’ll give you an autograph for your nephew – interesting that his name is also Brian Williams.

7. Hey, how about a shot of me driving that tank?

6. When do we go out looking for Osama?

5. Which way is Mecca, and where's my prayer mat?

4. You know, work really DOES make one free!

3. It is time for Americans to pursue a humble and peace-loving outlook, the kind of outlook the Germans have always had.

2. I would like to apologize for America’s roll in wrecking that nice wall you used to have here.

1. Ich bin ein appeaser.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Top 11 Odors Nick Coleman's Big Smeller Picked Up DT

11. A nearby RNC protest march organizational meeting

10. The stench still coming from the Target Center after the Wolves putrid season

9. Laura Billing's inability to do laundry properly

8. The rot of Minneapolis city government

7. The lunch special at Lee's

6. Decomposing Polar Bears

5. The big pile of B.S. that is the curriculum at the University of Minnesota

4. First Avenue airing out after Ol' Yeller concert

3. Rotting newsprint from unsold Star Tribunes

2.Minneapolis water supply

1. The steaming pork that is the Hiawatha LRT line

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Top 11 Suggestions for the University of Minnesota Morris Mascot

Biology professor PZ Myers of the University of Minnesota, Morris has been making news for soliciting a consecrated Eucharist so that he can desecrate it for the amusement of himself and his fellow atheists. The administration of the school says they can't do anything about it and must stand behind their employee and his exercise of free speech.

This is certainly the most promotion quiet little Minnesota-Morris has ever gotten. Certainly more than their Cougars athletic department ever achieves. Since the school is wedded to Myers and his methods, they might as well get all they can out of this controversy. Maybe a change is in their official mascot is in order.

Top 11 Suggestions for the University of Minnesota Morris Mascot

11) Crucifiers
10) Pilates
9) The Intolerant Tide
8) Golden Idols
7) Tenured Mules
6) Ragin' Biology Professors
5) Laughing Tax Dollar Consumers
4) Piss Christers
3) Redskins
2) Blue Devils
1) Damned Atheists

Monday, July 14, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Jesse Ventura

BREAKING NEWS: Nihilist in Golf Pants has learned that Jesses Ventura, appearing on Larry King Live later tonight, will announce his intention to run for starting quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Top 11 Plans Congress has for Increasing its Approval Rating

11. “Windfall Popularity Tax” will be assessed on President Bush

10. Alcee Hastings, William Jefferson, and John Murtha will offer 50% off on all bribes

9. Robert Byrd to host a bonfire

8. Free Nancy Pelosi bobble head for the first 50,000 visitors to the Capitol

7. Barney Frank to offer free personal grooming advice to all Americans

6. Reinstate the Fairness Doctrine

5. Gang bang with Monica Lewinsky on Capitol Mall

4. Thursdays will be Hawaiian Shirt day

3. Nationalize polling companies that measure Congressional approval ratings

2. Henry Waxman will hold hearings into why the American people are such stupid and ungrateful hicks

1. Congress will send out checks to each American as part of its approval stimulus plan

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Top 11 Quotes From The White House Biography Of Italian Premier Berlusconi

11. . . . one of the most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice. *

10. . . . accused of the very corruption he had vowed to eradicate. *

9. Berlusconi is a Roman. Unfortunately, his countrymen are just Italians.

8. He looks like Learned Foot.

7. He is sneaky and good with a stiletto.

6. When you do find an honest Italian, then you've really got something.

5. His wife doesn't sweat much for a fat gal.

4. Italy is as reliable an ally as France.

3. He's slightly less greasy than most Italians.

2. He lika da pizza.

1. And then Silvio Berlusconi comes along with his olive oil voice and guinea charm, and she runs off. She threw it all away just to make me look ridiculous!

* actual quotes from the bio

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Top 11 Barack Obama Campaign Slogans

11. Because Jimmy Carter is just too old

10. Have the audacity to surrender

9. I can’t be racist, I voted Barack!

8. Don’t just worship Obama, vote for Him!

7. WWOD? (What Would Oprah Do?)

6. Obama ’08: America’s only chance to be great

5. Relax Kos Kidz – America is worth a lapel flag pin

4. You want change? I’ve got your change right here!

3. In your heart, you know that Barack knows there are 50 states

2. Alec Baldwin and Hulk Hogan can’t both be wrong!

1. Barack Obama – now 60% less loony liberal*

* for a limited time only