Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Top 11 Things Causing Al Gore to Spend $30K a Year on Electricity

11) Suspects Leonardo DiCaprio may be stalking him, sleeps with lights on

10) Cooking for frequent houseguest Michael Moore

9) Attempting to create a habitat for polar bears displaced by melting icebergs in spare bedroom

8) Refuses to insulate servants quarters

7) His refrigerator door is opened way too much

6) Allows his Hollywood friends to use his outlets to charge their electric cars

5) Aspires to the lavish life of John Edwards

4) Hydroponic "vegetable"-growing hobby in basement

3) The radar jamming equipment used to thwart Bush and Cheney’s mind control attempts draws a lot of juice

2) Does his best thinking about global warming while in the sauna

1) Dozens of supercomputers running 24 hours a day in hopes of creating a virtual personality

Monday, February 26, 2007

Top 11 Reasons This Years Oscars Were The Greenest Ever

11. Since Michael Moore wasn’t nominated, no need to fire up the deep fryers

10. Stephen Spielberg, George Lucas, and Francis Ford Coppola helicopter-pooled to the awards this year

9. Ellen DeGeneres’ suit was recycled from the wardrobe of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”

8. Saved energy by turning off mike during Jennifer Hudson’s acceptance speech

7. All of the limos were hybrids

6. Not much lighting is needed for silhouette dancers

5. Colder than average weather meant that there was no need to run the air conditioning

4. Jack Nicholson’s bald head was able to replace one of the spotlights

3. The show was soooo boring that millions turned off their TVs and went to bed early

2. A windmill farm was set up to capture the energy generated by all of Hollywood patting itself on the back

1. Al Gore uses much less energy when he is away from his mansion

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Live Blogging Captain Ed’s Oscar Live Blog

I was going to live blog the Oscars, but I see that Captain Ed is already doing so, and I can’t compete with that. I will settle for live blogging Captain Ed’s live blog.

7:31 PM: Ed notes that Peter O’Toole is old, something I commented on in my Oscar Preview. Ed reveals that he has the hots for Helen Mirren, despite the fact that she is old.

7:36 PM: Ed thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a good Oscar host, but I’m not so sure.

7:38 PM: Ed gets sarcastic on the “International Oscars” stuff, rightly so, I think.

7:42 PM: The crowd goes wild on the 7th annual Al Gore won the 2000 election joke. Ed is 100% correct when he says this is the record longest running Oscar gag.

7:44 PM: “Say Hallelu”? I missed what Ed is talking about here.

7:46 PM: Ed kind of liked the opening, but didn’t give it a rave. He was disappointed that they started with Art Direction, but he failed to note that they gave the award to Pan’s Labyrinth instead of Dreamgirls, as I said they should have.

7:55 PM: I think Ed is being too hard on the Jack Black and John C. Reilly number. He takes a shot at Will Farrell. Sounds like there may be some bad blood between them.

7:58 PM: Ed worries that we may be in for a long night because it took 30 minutes for two awards. I suspect they will pick up this pace. The opening is always heavy with pre-recorded bits.

8:02 PM: The two cute kid presenters were a big hit with Ed, as were the two quick presentations. Patience Ed, this will be a long night.

8:04 PM: They say that winning an Oscar is good for business and it looks like they are right. The Oscar win for “West Bank Story” has sold at least two tickets: to Captain Ed and the First Mate.

8:07 PM: Warning to the Producers!!!!!! Captain Ed’s attention is starting to wander! He is commenting off topic. It is time to act quickly to restore his interest. Bring on that song and dance number on the Canadian election scandal!

8:12 PM: Ed is tiring of the Judi Dench plastic surgery jokes. If they take a shot at Helen Mirren, they’ll REALLY have an angry Captain on their hands.

8:14 PM: Finally, something Ed likes, the Foley choir. But is it enough to win him back?

8:16 PM: Congratulations Captain Ed on winning the JAT Award for the longest running live blog. It’s no City Pages Right Wing blog of the year, but not bad.

8:19 PM: Uh, oh, the Foley choir didn’t hold Ed for long. He notes that Eddie Murphy looks bored as well he should.

8:22 PM: Once again Captain Ed fails to note that the Academy has missed another one. I had picked Djimon Hounsou and the racist academy went with the old white male.

8:25 PM: Mixed review so far for Ellen.

8:26 PM: What does Ed have against silhouette dancers?

8:32 PM: Finally Captain Negative has some praise – for Randy Newman and James Taylor.

8:34 PM: Captain chortling that the climate-scare propaganda is mostly off camera during the Melissa Etheridge segment.

8:37 PM: ZZZZZZING!!! Captain Ed scores with a great zinger on the climate crisis.

8:38 PM: Ed liked the Al Gore/Leonardo DiCaprio joke. No Ed, I will not admit that I laughed.

I don’t know about Captain Ed, but this is starting to remind me of the Wellstone funeral.

8:50 PM: Ed makes a prediction. He makes no mention of Helen Mirren, has his affection for her cooled already? Or is the First Mate censoring him?

8:52 PM: Wrong. Captain Ed is now 0-1 on predictions, not quite as bad as the Academy’s 0-2 in the categories I picked.

8:55 PM: Ed is unhappy with some guy running into Tom Hanks and his sweetheart Helen Mirren. I am not sure Ed trusts Tom Hanks to properly protect Helen Mirren, should it come to that.

9:02 PM: GOTCHA! Captain Ed calls them on misuse of the word “literally”.

9:04 PM: I’ve got to get around to seeing “The Incredibles” because his reference to Edna in that film went right over my head.

9:08 PM: I was afraid Ed was about to say something complimentary about Tom Cruise, but no! He was just setting up a zinging reference to the Oprah couch incident. Well played, Sir!

9:13 PM: I’m kind of surprised Captain Ed is pimping “Children of Men” so much. Unless I am mis-remembering, he posted a fairly negative review of that film.

9:16 PM: Once again Ed goes after the silhouette dancers, calling them pretentious. I usually agree with Captain Ed, but I kind of like the silhouette dancers.

9:21 PM: Captain Ed liked Robert Downey Jr’s quip about his drug use. I never took Ed for the drug humor type.

9:24 PM: So much for Helen Mirren! Now Ed tells us that Catherine Deneuve still looks pretty good. Hey Ed, there are plenty of young hotties in the show. How about a shout out to one of them? (Not that there is anything wrong with preferring older women).

Captain Ed has been silent for quite awhile after the Catherine Deneuve mention. Hmmmm.

9:32 PM: After an 8 minute break, Ed is back and expresses surprise at Pan’s labyrinth not winning Best Foreign Language film.

9:34 PM: Ed is sounding a bit jealous of George Clooney’s good looks. Consider the bright side Ed, you get way more blog traffic than he does.

9:36 PM: Ed notes that the Japanese actress looked surprised to not win Best Supporting Actress, but he failed to note that the academy is now 0-3 against my picks. Come on, Cate Blanchett is clearly hotter than Jennifer Hudson.

9:43 PM: Ed has already crowned Al Gore and predicts that he won’t be cut off if he rambles. I agree.

9:46 PM: Captain Ed questions Jerry Seinfeld’s credentials to present the Best Documentary award, but why? This award is usually a joke.

9:48 PM: Ed is correct on both Best Documentary predictions. He is now 2-1 overall (the academy is a terrible 0-4 in agreeing with my picks).
NOTE TO LARRY DAVID: Do not leave Al Gore alone with your wife (unless you are into that sort of thing).

9:51 PM: Ed correctly criticizes Clint Eastwood for phoning in his introduction for that Ennio guy who did all those scores. You are a professional actor; you should be able to memorize a three minute intro.

9:55 PM: Ed wonders why Ennio Moccicone has never won an Oscar despite writing numerous memorable scores. My theory: he used to vote Republican.

10:00 PM: The Captain reveals himself to be pro-Italian language and takes another shot at Clint. He is also worried that Clint will come after him, but I think you’re safe, Ed.

I know she’s way too young for you, Captain Ed, but Penelope Cruz looks great for her age.

10:10 PM: Ed is puzzled with Jack Nicholson’s hairdo. I can clarify this one: HE’S BALD. It happens to some people.

10:15 PM: Heh. No ineed. Matthew Arndt no longer needs to kiss Matthew Broderick’s tucchus. His former boss, Broderick, can kiss Oscar!

10:17 PM: Ed’s commenters have attacked Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst for being dull. Ed gives them a faint defense – they were less dull than Al Gore. I would add that Kirsten Dunst looks pretty good for her age.

10:20 PM: Captain Ed begs to differ with the announcer who suggests that J-Lo is an “excellent reason for high-definition television”. Perhaps Ed will be more favorably inclined toward J-Lo’s looks in twenty years or so.

Whoever had 10:20 for Captain Ed’s first Anna Nicole Smith reference wins the pool!

10:21 PM: Ed getting worried about the length of the show, me too. He seems to have liked Jennifer Hudson’s performance.

10:28 PM: Ed declares that Ellen has been a nonentity most of the night, but is that supposed to be a bad thing?

10:30 PM: Ed is indignant that the “Inconvenient Truth” song beat out the clearly superior “Dreamgirls” songs. He wouldn’t be surprised had he followed Sisyphus’ rule for determining the Oscar winner: The most explicitly anti-Republican nominee wins.

10:40 PM: Captain Ed dislikes montages as much as the silhouette dancers? What’s next, coming out against campy production number?

10:42 PM: Ed is disappointed that his choice didn’t win for Film Editing? Did one of his relatives edit “United 93”?

10:50 PM: OUCH! Ed declares the commercials more interesting than the show.

10:53 PM: Ed has already cooled to his hottie Helen Mirren by hoping that Meyl Streep wins. [aside: Is it just me, or does Philip Seymour Hoffman look like he just got off a weekend long bender?]

10:55 PM: Oh sure, now Ed comes back to Helen Mirren, now that she’s won the Oscar.

11:01 PM: Is anyone surprised that Ed took a shot at YOUNG hottie, Reese Witherspoon?

11:04 PM: WRONG! Forest Whittaker wins (Is Ed saying he actually watched “Battlefield Earth”), Ed’s predictions drop to 2-2. The academy drops to 0-5.

11:07 PM: SNARK! Ed takes a shot at George Lucas and “Phantom Menace”. Predicts a Scorcese win.

11:09 PM: Ed is happy for Scorcese, and should also be happy for himself, because he’s now 3-2 in his predictions.

11:12 PM: Ed predicts “The Queen”, I predict he falls to 3-3.

11:14 PM: Captain Ed is wrong, but the Academy finally got one right by picking “The Departed”. Ed finishes 3-3, the Academy a terrible 1-5.

FINAL ANALYSIS: Captain Ed had another pretty good live blog. He revealed his preference for older women, got in a few good zingers, and made clear his distaste for silhouette dancers. His predictions were a mediocre 3-3, but part of that has to be attributed to the ineptness of the academy.

At long, long, last, this live blog is over.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Sisyphus’ Unbiased Oscar Preview

Once again I have been largely successful in avoiding Oscar nominated films so that I can give you an unbiased Oscar preview. I am only considering who should win, not who will win. If you want to know who will win, do google searches to see which nominee is most virulently anti-Bush.

Achievement in Art Direction
Dreamgirls”, “Pan’s Labyrinth”, “The Good Shepherd”, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

“Pan’s Labyrinth”, sounds like one of those fantasy movies where the art direction always sucks. “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dean Man’s Chest” probably just used the same old sets from the first movie. Gay shepherd movies are so 2006, which is bad news for “The Good Shepherd”. I think we can all agree that the best art comes from the 1960s.
Sisyphus Picks: “Dreamgirls”

Best documentary short subject
The Blood of Yingzhou District”, “Recycled Life”, “Rehearsing a Dream”, “Two Hands

The Blood of Yingzhou District” sounds like a non-fiction film, so it doesn’t really belong in a documentary category. Recycled Life” sounds like an Al Gore movie. How much rehearsing could it possibly take to dream? Two Hands” sounds run-of-the-mill – if the movie were “Three Hands”, maybe I’d consider it.
Sisyphus Picks: No Oscar

Okay, enough filler; time for the good awards.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond”, Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”,
Peter O’Toole in “Venus”, Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”,
Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland”

Leo is an annoying twerp much of the time. I’ve never heard of Ryan Gosling, but there’s no way I’m giving it to a guy in a wrestling movie. I don’t think Scotland has ever had an African-American king, so Forest Whitaker couldn’t have been believable. I don’t think the academy should recognize movies with misspellings in their title, so no to Will Smith. Peter O’Toole is still alive? We should reward anyone who can drink that much for so long without croaking.
Sisyphus Picks: Peter O’Toole

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine”, Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children”, Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond”, Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls”, Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed”

Singers shouldn’t get Oscars, so no to Mark Wahlberg and Eddie Murphy. Neither should little children, so no to Jackie Earle Haley. Alan Arkin may be old, but he is no Peter O’Toole. I think it is about time we had our first African American Oscar winner.
Sisyphus Picks: Djimon Hounsou

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Penélope Cruz in “Volver”, Judi Dench in “Notes on a Scandal”, Helen Mirren in “The Queen”, Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada”, Kate Winslet in “Little Children”

I must recuse myself in this category, because I have seen “The Devil Wears Prada”.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Adriana Barraza in “Babel”, Cate Blanchett in “Notes on a Scandal”, Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine”, Jennifer Hudson in “Dreamgirls”, Rinko Kikuchi in “Babel”

The best supporting actress award should go to the hottest chick. No kids, of course, so no Abigail Breslin. Adriana Barraza looks too much like Nancy Pelosi. Rinko Kikuchi is a great name, but that is not our criteria for this award. Jennifer Hudson looks a little tubby, especially when she’s standing next to Jada Pinckett Smith. In a good year, Cate Blanchett wouldn’t have a chance, but she’s the hotty of this bunch.
Sisyphus Picks: Cate Blanchett

Best motion picture of the year
Babel”, “The Departed”, “Letters from Iwo Jima”, “Little Miss Sunshine”, “The Queen

“Little Miss Sunshine” sounds too cutesy. There is no way “Letters from Iwo Jima” can live up to the standard set by “The Sands of Iwo Jima”. The Biblical movie “Babel” and the gay movie “The Queen” cancel each other out. Death always makes for a good movie.
Sisyphus Picks: The Departed

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Live Blog: The Final Episode of the O.C

“The End’s Not Near, it’s Here” That is the fitting title of tonight’s final episode of “The OC”. It could have just as easily been called “Sorry We Had to Go and Ruin a Once Great Show through Our Stupid Casting and Plotting Decisions”.

But I don’t want to just dwell on the negative in this live blog. It never got so that I took it off my Tivo. I could write a Bogus Doug – American Idol lengthed post on how they turned the once great character of Summer into just another stupid whiny hippie college student, or how they killed off their two best characters Kirsten’s wealthy businessman father, Caleb, and the smoking hot Mischa Barton. I could go on about how the Ryan and Taylor romance has less chemistry than Al Gore’s college transcript, or about how the Sandy/Kirsten pregnancy is so “I need a ratings boost, oh, I know, let’s add a baby sister for Seth and Ryan”, but tonight let’s also remember the good times. Summer and Marissa laying out by the pool, nasty, rich water polo players making the mistake of picking a fight Ryan, Summer and Marissa sunbathing by the pool, the legendary pool party fights, and of course Summer and Marissa in bikinis.

8:00 PM: Here we go!

8:02 PM: We've jumped ahead six months. They just had to have Kristen give birth to the kid. Why don't they just jump ahead another ten years and have the kid start dating. Also Ryan and Taylor have broken up, Taylor's back in France where she belongs. The Cohens are living with the Coopers after their house was destroyed in last week's earthquake. Julie Cooper and the rich Bullit are getting married after she jilted him a few episodes back. Normally I like rich characters, but not so much Bullit. Oh, and Seth and Summer are now married. I thought we spent the last few episodes discovering why they couldn't get married anytime soon? [CORRECTION: they actually aren't married yet at this point]

8:03 PM: We find out the Cohen's house is totaled and can't be rebuilt.

8:04 PM: Opening credits. The OC still has the same great opening song and montage -- one thing the producers didn't see fit to ruin.

8:07 PM: Uh, oh, Summer is pining over the seals she's no longer saving. Could this be trouble in the marriage? If so, they will only have 53 minutes to resolve it.

8:08 PM: Taylor is back and rapid fire explains why she and Ryan broke up. I missed most of it while typing. I predict they're back together by the end of the episode (and series).

8:10 PM:
Ryan just happens to be at the airport – says he no longer loves Taylor. But wait! That knowing glance back gives your heart away Ryan!

8:11 PM: Marissa’s younger, less hot, and less interesting sister is meeting her future step brothers, Bullitt’s 10 sons, all wearing cowboy hats and named after Texas cities (except for the Amer-asian son named Hanoi). We find out that Julie Cooper is pregnant with Bullit’s 13th son. Is everyone pregnant? How about Taylor and Summer?

8:13 PM: Commercial. Is Captain Ed also live blogging? Time for a quick check.

8:14 PM: Nope, that means this is the go-to live blog for OC fans.

8:15 PM: As a matter of fact, I am smarter than a fifth grader.

8:16 PM: Seth and Ryan are trying to buy the old Cohen homestead in Berkeley from a gay couple. So they can all be hippies! No more of that icky comfort of the OC! We can raise our new daughter in tie-dye diapers ! Everyone is much happier living in a run-down hippie house!

8:17 PM: Okay, I'm done venting about the Cohen's founding some sort of Berkeley commune. Bullit is going to fly Sandy and Kristen up to Berkeley in his private jet. If Bullit is so rich, why can't he come up with a better trophy wife?

8:18 PM: Self-referential moment! Summer: "You know those teen dramas, they just run forever." Taylor is afraid that Summer has drifted away from her hippie ways.

8:20 PM:
Ha! That’s Bullitt with devil’s horns on the cover of the GEORGE environmental tract.

8:22 PM: Julie Cooper’s baby is Frank’s (Ryan’ ex-con father) but he bailed when he found out. Bullit agreed to step-in and marry Julie anyway.

8:24 PM: Gay couple still won’t sell the hippie commune, but Kirsten goes into labor there.

8:28 PM: Kid is here. Sophie Rose Cohen.

8:29 PM: Frank has shown up at the Julie/Bullitt wedding. I hope there is a fight, but I doubt it. The OC was mocked so much for the pool party fights they stopped doing them. But just because you’re mocked for something doesn’t mean you should stop doing it. Sometimes we mock because we love.

8:33 PM: Summer gives Julie locket of Marissa to wear at the wedding. “I know she would have wanted to be here today.” I’m sure the producers wish she were here today, too.

8:34 PM: Wedding is moving to Berkeley so Kirsten will be there. They are getting married in the gay commune. It turns out one of the gay couple was the midwife who delivered Kirsten’s kid and the other was a wedding planner!

8:36 PM: Taylor goes with the wedding party to Berkeley. She is going to say goodbye for good to Ryan, but they have sex instead.

8:37 PM: The wedding. Oh, the shock! Here comes Frank to break it up!

8:38 PM: Ha! He went to the old wedding location in the OC, not the new one in Berkeley (why didn’t he just go up to Berkeley with everyone else – he had shown up at the church earlier). Instead he calls on the cell phone, is put on speaker and declares that HE wants to marry Julie and be the baby’s father. (Asside to St. Paul: This is why cell phones should not be allowed at weddings.) Julie has to think it over.

8:39 PM: Gay couple agrees to sell the commune. Probably figured it was the only way to get rid of everyone. Julie about to announce her decision – cliffhanger over the commercial break.

8:44 PM: Julie decides to marry no one. Maybe go back to school. I know, go to Berkeley! And live in the commune.

8:46 PM: Summer takes off to become an environmentalist hippie. Loooooong goodbye to Seth.

8:51 PM: Will Ryan and Seth hug goodbye? What is this, the last episode of MASH?

8:53 PM: Flashback to the good old early days of Ryan’s arrival in Newport.

8:54 PM: Closing montage of what happens to the characters in the future. Sandy is teaching law, probably at Berkeley. Julie Cooper graduates, both Frank and Bullit are there, Seth and Summer get married (little sister looks about 5, Taylor is still around). Ryan is an architect, sees criminal looking kid who reminds him of himself, asks him if he needs any help. The big Pay it Forward finish.

Well that’s it. It was a nice run (for abut two seasons, anyway).

This live blog, like the OC, is over.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Separated At Birth?

Local MOBster Mitch “Boss” Berg and Tammanay Hall’s William “Boss” Tweed.

Top 11 Honorary Degrees the University of Minnesota is Considering In Addition to Doctor of Climatology for Al Gore

11. Britney Spears, Doctor of Hairdressing

10. Vox Day, Masters of Women’s Studies

9. Judi Dutcher, Masters of Bio Based Sciences

8. Kate Parry, Doctor of Child Psychology

7. Anna Nicole Smith, Doctor of Mortuary Science

6. Paul Reubens, Masters of His Domain

5. Amanda Marcotte, Doctor of Religious Studies

4. Brad Childress - Doctor of Game Theory and Strategy

3. Al Franken, Doctor of Pharmacology

2. NIGP, Associates' Degree in accounting

1. Barak Obama, Doctor of Audacity

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Top 11 Deeply Held Convictions of Rep. Jim Ramstad

11. Washington cocktail parties are only fun if you are invited

10. Moderates are smart

9. Partisans are dumb

8. Orange is a more pleasant color than red or blue

7. Being a congressman is a great job

6. I am above criticism

5. I am different from Wendy Wilde

4. You can't get mad about my vote if the resolution was non-binding

3. President Hillary might just decide to fill Guantanimo with prisoners of her choice

2. I would hate to have a group on nimrods protest at my office each week the way they do for Rep. Kline

1. To me being conservative means . . . hey, that dog has a fuzzy tail!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Top 11 Highlights of the Upcoming Save Our Selves (SOS) Global Warming Concert

11. Britney will reveal that she had to shave her head because global warming was making her skull too hot

10. Dissident climatologists will be frozen in effigy

9. Fly-by of the performer’s private jets

8. Ashley Simpson and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli will lip-synch the IPCC climate report

7. A naked Mitch Berg will storm the stage at the Antarctica concert and harangue the crowd that the only way to experience significant climate warming is to move from North Dakota to Minnesota

6. Bush just might be bashed

5. Nancy Pelosi will announce funding for a Manhattan Project to develop a hybrid luxury military jet

4. Cameron Diaz will plead with the audience to run their air conditioners with their doors open in a last ditch effort to cool down the planet

3. Snoop Dogg will present an expert who will argue that second-hand marijuana smoke counteracts global warming by “mellowing out” the atmosphere

2. Donald Trump will announce his latest project, Trump Tower: Barrow, Alaska

1. The Red Hot Chili Peppers will announce their name change to Even More Red Hot Because Of Climate Change Chili Peppers

Friday, February 16, 2007


To the tune of “Cocaine” by J. J. Cale

If your ego’s huge and you think you can’t lose. FRANKEN
Al Qaeda who? What’s bad for Bush is cool. FRANKEN

He’s far left,
He’s far left,
He’s far left,

If you call him wuss, he’ll take a swing at your puss. FRANKEN
When it comes to gays, he’s like Tim Hardaway. FRANKEN

He’s far left,
He’s far left,
He’s far left,

If you want to laugh, boy are you off the track. FRANKEN
Don't forget this fact, Belushi took his stash. FRANKEN

He’s far left,
He’s far left,
He’s far left,

He’s far left,
He’s far left,
He’s far left,

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

And You Want To Be My United States Senator

According to Dick Ebersol, as quoted in “Live From New York An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live” by Tom Shales & James Andrew Miller, p.82-83:

“Al [Franken] and Tom [Davis] had bought their first ever cocaine, and they had it all out on the desk. First time they were ever able to buy any. As apprentice writers, their pay was, I think, $325 a week. So they have the cocaine on the desk, they’re like literally staring at it. I’m off in the distance. I’m in a tough place because I’m supposedly the executive, but I decided it wasn’t my job to play the policeman.

Suddenly this figure comes roaring through the room. Unbeknownst to us at the time, he had a straw in his hand. He gets to the table, and he has half of that stuff up his nose by the time they knew who it was: Belushi. They didn’t know whether to be thrilled that Belushi had just done this to their coke or be absolutely decimated, because that represented about half the money they had in the world at that time.”

If Franken can’t even protect his illegal drugs, how can he protect the children?

Monday, February 12, 2007

Dissent On The Grammys

When were the Dixie Chicks released from Guantanamo? Whoever arranged their release made a big mistake because their dissent clearly hasn’t been sufficiently crushed yet.

Like A Candle In The Wind

It seems that Elton John is now in the business of rewriting his hits for dead blondes. He rebranded "Candle In The Wind" for Princess Diana's funeral. Now he has regurgitated a new version of "The Bitch Is Back " For Anna Nicole Smith.

Bitch, Fade To Black
Music by Elton John
Lyrics by Bernie Taupin

She never saw money she didn't like
She did sick things with a rich old guy
Started out hot, then she got real fat
And her vomit finally choked her, bitch fade to black

In her first Playboy she looked alright
Ate too much just about every night
She wasn't quite the best at your social do’s
She'd get high every evening sniffing pots of glue

She's a bitch, She's a bitch
Her life faded to black
Seldom sober as a matter of fact
She's a bitch, Trim Spa can't
Change the essential truth
People only liked her
'Cause she had big boobs!

She entertained with her lack of brains
Sycophants surrounded her, dropping names
She had a E! Network show that was completely crap
Yeah, her nasty habits killed her, bitch fade to black

She's a bitch, She's a bitch
Her life faded to black
Seldom sober as a matter of fact
She's a bitch, Trim Spa can't
Change the essential truth
People only liked her
'Cause she had big boobs!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Top 11 Things Scientists Are Way More Than 90% Certain Of

Boston Globe columnist Ellen Goodman wrote in her latest column on Global Warming:
“The certainty of the human role is now somewhere over 90 percent. Which is about as certain as scientists ever get.”

Untrue, Ellen, unture. There are plenty of things that scientists are way more than 90% certain of. Here are the top 11:

11. The more you know about physics the more chicks will dig you

10. Professional wrestling is staged

9. Albert Einstein had sex with Marilyn Monroe. Albert Einstein did not comb his hair. Therefore, if I don’t comb my hair, I can have sex with someone like Marilyn Monroe.

8. All Liberal Arts majors are stupid

7. Bill Gates is over-rated because he’s such a pretty boy

6. Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband is not the father Anna Nicole Smith’s baby

5. Brooklyn is not the fifth largest city in America because it is not a separate city, but part of New York City

4. Troy Williamson will never be a competent NFL wide receiver

3. “Revenge of the Nerds” is the greatest movie ever made

2. Pamela Anderson would be much happier if she would stop chasing after musicians and settle down with a nice Climatology professor

1. The world would be a better place if only people would listen to science experts

Friday, February 09, 2007

Top 11 Things Burning In Nick Coleman's Mind

11. Our schools

10. Our country

9. His loins

8. The image of a shirtless Mitch Berg defying the relatively balmy Minnesota winter

7. The thought that someone, somewhere, may not be aware of his greatness

6. The url of

5. That new chick at the metro desk

4. His enlarged prostate (actually it's his urine stream)

3. The build-up of THC

2. American flags in the hands of his comrades

1. His McClatchy pension

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Top 11 Reasons the Pentagon Has Rejected Nancy Pelosi’s Request for a C-32 Military Jet

11. Afraid she would use it to fly tuna from American Samoa to San Francisco for Starkist

10. Pelosi was insisting on painting the plane purple and hiring Snoop Dogg as pilot

9. Worried about "the children" spilling food on the plane's good furniture

8. Military is currently using all available jets to strafe war protesters and suppress dissent

7. The last time they let a Democrat use a C-32, Barney Frank let his roommate turn it into a flying brothel

6. Air Force One still smells like Bill Clinton

5. They were a little weirded-out by her rabid insistence that Bill Oefelein be made her pilot

4. All C-32s currently being used for junkets by Halliburton execs

3. Learned that she planned to retro-fit the plane with an engine that runs on aborted fetuses

2. Pentagon leadership thinks it's funny to subject her to the humiliation of having to land in Middle America

1. Overheard her commenting about bombing Utah back to the Stone Age

Top 11 Next WSJ Pieces By Mark "The Commoner" Yost

11. Hot dish- the "new" ethnic food
10. Shoveling the driveway- my life without a doorman
09. Long Underwear- It ain't Versace
08. Bratwurst- The Coney Dogs of the Midwest
07. Crime - They even have it in Minneapolis now
06. Pickups--people actually drive these things?
05. The procurement of fish through holes in a frozen lake--my weekend odyssey
04. Chopping firewood--my weekend odyssey
03. Swapping the alternator in a '93 Lumina--my weekend odyssey
02. Old Country Buffet--pay once, but eat all you like
01. I ate a McRib

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Top 11 Candidates For NASA's Astronaut Opening

11. Hillary Clinton
10. Eve Plumb
9. Tammy Faye Baker Mezner
8. Tonya Harding
7. Lorena Bobbit
6. Glenn Close
5. Laura Billings
4. June Allyson
3. Jennifer Antison
2. Bonnie Bleskachek
1. Amy Fisher

Debunking Mitch “Nanook of North Dakota” Berg

Whenever the mercury dips below zero here in Minnesota, two things are certain:
1. Minnesotans will whine about the cold
2. Mitch Berg, of Jamestown North Dakota, will mock said Minnesotans for being weather wimps on his blog and radio show

Here is what Mitch had to say about our latest plunge below zero:
Cold? In NoDak, we would consider wearing shirts in this weather.

To hear Mitch tell it, this North Dakota place must be well above the Arctic Circle with temperatures regularly dipping into triple digits below zero. Unfortunately for Mitch, The National Weather Service keeps records of such things.

The mean temperatures in Mitch’s hometown of Jamestown, ND are 9 F in January and 15 F in February. The corresponding temperatures for St. Paul are 15 F and 22 F, a mere six degrees warmer. Six degrees is insignificant to anyone but the lamest of the lame weather wimps. Not only that, Jamestown actually gets less snow than St. Paul, an average of 0.62 inches of precipitation to l.02 in January, 0.52 to 0.78 in February.

But hey, you may say, Jamestown may not be that much colder than St. Paul, but it is colder and doesn’t that give Mitch the most cold weather cred in the NARN. Not so fast. The NARN member with the most cold weather cred is none other than King Banaian (sp?). King’s home of St. Cloud, MN has identical January and February mean temperatures to Jamestown, but has lower record cold temperatures. St. Cloud’s record low in January is -43 F and -40 F in February. In Jamestown it is a balmy -36 F and -35 F. St. Cloud also gets more snow than Jamestown.

Mitch, even you must admit that next to St. Cloud, Jamestown is a warm winter paradise.

A couple of North Dakotans have mentioned that the Peace Garden State’s wind tunnel-like winds make it seem much colder in North Dakota. Sure wind makes it seem colder, but so does the fact that you live in a desolate wasteland hundreds of miles from the nearest reasonably sized metropolitan area.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Top 11 Titles I’m Considering For My Autobiography

11. The Audacity of Audaciousness

10. The Hope of Hopelessness

9. Daring to be Audacious

8. The WCHA Has the Worst Referees in College Hockey

7. Stealing Gabrielle Union From Derek Jeter

6. I’ve Proven Wrong All Of You Who Called Ne Hopeless

5. Faith, Hope, and Audacity

4. Audacity Is A Great Word

3. How Dare I Hope Audaciously?

2. The Hope of Audacity

1. Oprah Book Club Selection

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Numbers Game

It’s Super Bowl time, and that means many of you will be attending Super Bowl parties. No Super Bowl party is complete without one of those numbers betting pool. For those unaware, they usually work something like this:

A 10-by-10 grid is set up and those participating purchase the 100 squares (typically for $1 per square). Once all squares are sold, each row is randomly assigned one of the numbers between zero and nine, as is each column. These numbers represent the final digit of the score for Colts and Bears. You win a share of the pot if, at the conclusion of the first quarter, second quarter, third quarter or the game, the last digit of the Bear’s score and the last digit of the Colt’s score matches your numbers.

Obviously, some scores are more likely to come up in football than others, but which numbers are the best to have? True, the numbers are assigned randomly and we can not choose them ourselves, but the geekier among us would still like to know what the chances are that our numbers will come up winners.

As a public service, I have crunched the numbers to find out just what the chances of are of a particular number coming up. I have compiled the final digits (after the first quarter, second quarter, third quarter, and final) of the scores of the 535 regular and post-season games played in 2005 and 2006. Not surprisingly 0, 7, and 3 are the best numbers to have, while 5 and 2 are the worst.

Biden My Time

Often, people ask me what I think of other local bloggers. It seems that a lot of folks want to know what I think of Learned Foot, who has recently been mocking my ability to pick football point spreads.

I like Learned Foot. I mean, you got the first mainstream local blogger who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Take The Nihilist's Global Warming Challenge

Any and all Twin Cities proponents of the theory of global warming are invited to take the Nihilist's "Global Warming Challenge."

I have declared this weekend to be "Global Warming Weekend." Anyone in the Twin Cities who takes a photo of themselves licking an outdoor Minneapolis, MN street sign and holding a newspaper from February 2, 3, or 4 of 2007 with date visible will win the challenge. This challenge expires at kickoff of the Super Bowl this Sunday evening.

Prizes include an apology from the Nihilist himself and a donation of $10 toward either the following(1):

- The Global Warming charity of their choice
- Their deductible for emergency medical treatment on their tongue

The winning photo will also be posted on this web site. Photos will be disqualified if they appear to be photoshops.

(1) Payment will be in the form of an annuity of $0.50 per year for the next 20 years or a lump sum of $1.75.