Live Blogging Captain Ed’s Oscar Live Blog

I was going to live blog the Oscars, but I see that Captain Ed is already doing so, and I can’t compete with that. I will settle for live blogging Captain Ed’s live blog.

7:31 PM: Ed notes that Peter O’Toole is old, something I commented on in my Oscar Preview. Ed reveals that he has the hots for Helen Mirren, despite the fact that she is old.

7:36 PM: Ed thinks Ellen DeGeneres will make a good Oscar host, but I’m not so sure.

7:38 PM: Ed gets sarcastic on the “International Oscars” stuff, rightly so, I think.

7:42 PM: The crowd goes wild on the 7^th annual Al Gore won the 2000 election joke. Ed is 100% correct when he says this is the record longest running Oscar gag.

7:44 PM: “Say Hallelu”? I missed what Ed is talking about here.

7:46 PM: Ed kind of liked the opening, but didn’t give it a rave. He was disappointed that they started with Art Direction, but he failed to note that they gave the award to Pan’s Labyrinth instead of Dreamgirls, as I said they should have.

7:55 PM: I think Ed is being too hard on the Jack Black and John C. Reilly number. He takes a shot at Will Farrell. Sounds like there may be some bad blood between them.

7:58 PM: Ed worries that we may be in for a long night because it took 30 minutes for two awards. I suspect they will pick up this pace. The opening is always heavy with pre-recorded bits.

8:02 PM: The two cute kid presenters were a big hit with Ed, as were the two quick presentations. Patience Ed, this will be a long night.

8:04 PM: They say that winning an Oscar is good for business and it looks like they are right. The Oscar win for “West Bank Story” has sold at least two tickets: to Captain Ed and the First Mate.

8:07 PM: Warning to the Producers!!!!!! Captain Ed’s attention is starting to wander! He is commenting off topic. It is time to act quickly to restore his interest. Bring on that song and dance number on the Canadian election scandal!

8:12 PM: Ed is tiring of the Judi Dench plastic surgery jokes. If they take a shot at Helen Mirren, they’ll REALLY have an angry Captain on their hands.

8:14 PM: Finally, something Ed likes, the Foley choir. But is it enough to win him back?

8:16 PM: Congratulations Captain Ed on winning the JAT Award for the longest running live blog. It’s no City Pages Right Wing blog of the year, but not bad.

8:19 PM: Uh, oh, the Foley choir didn’t hold Ed for long. He notes that Eddie Murphy looks bored as well he should.

8:22 PM: Once again Captain Ed fails to note that the Academy has missed another one. I had picked Djimon Hounsou and the racist academy went with the old white male.

8:25 PM: Mixed review so far for Ellen.

8:26 PM: What does Ed have against silhouette dancers?

8:32 PM: Finally Captain Negative has some praise – for Randy Newman and James Taylor.

8:34 PM: Captain chortling that the climate-scare propaganda is mostly off camera during the Melissa Etheridge segment.

8:37 PM: ZZZZZZING!!! Captain Ed scores with a great zinger on the climate crisis.

8:38 PM: Ed liked the Al Gore/Leonardo DiCaprio joke. No Ed, I will not admit that I laughed.

I don’t know about Captain Ed, but this is starting to remind me of the Wellstone funeral.

8:50 PM: Ed makes a prediction. He makes no mention of Helen Mirren, has his affection for her cooled already? Or is the First Mate censoring him?

8:52 PM: Wrong. Captain Ed is now 0-1 on predictions, not quite as bad as the Academy’s 0-2 in the categories I picked.

8:55 PM: Ed is unhappy with some guy running into Tom Hanks and his sweetheart Helen Mirren. I am not sure Ed trusts Tom Hanks to properly protect Helen Mirren, should it come to that.

9:02 PM: GOTCHA! Captain Ed calls them on misuse of the word “literally”.

9:04 PM: I’ve got to get around to seeing “The Incredibles” because his reference to Edna in that film went right over my head.

9:08 PM: I was afraid Ed was about to say something complimentary about Tom Cruise, but no! He was just setting up a zinging reference to the Oprah couch incident. Well played, Sir!

9:13 PM: I’m kind of surprised Captain Ed is pimping “Children of Men” so much. Unless I am mis-remembering, he posted a fairly negative review of that film.

9:16 PM: Once again Ed goes after the silhouette dancers, calling them pretentious. I usually agree with Captain Ed, but I kind of like the silhouette dancers.

9:21 PM: Captain Ed liked Robert Downey Jr’s quip about his drug use. I never took Ed for the drug humor type.

9:24 PM: So much for Helen Mirren! Now Ed tells us that Catherine Deneuve still looks pretty good. Hey Ed, there are plenty of young hotties in the show. How about a shout out to one of them? (Not that there is anything wrong with preferring older women).

Captain Ed has been silent for quite awhile after the Catherine Deneuve mention. Hmmmm.

9:32 PM: After an 8 minute break, Ed is back and expresses surprise at Pan’s labyrinth not winning Best Foreign Language film.

9:34 PM: Ed is sounding a bit jealous of George Clooney’s good looks. Consider the bright side Ed, you get way more blog traffic than he does.

9:36 PM: Ed notes that the Japanese actress looked surprised to not win Best Supporting Actress, but he failed to note that the academy is now 0-3 against my picks. Come on, Cate Blanchett is clearly hotter than Jennifer Hudson.

9:43 PM: Ed has already crowned Al Gore and predicts that he won’t be cut off if he rambles. I agree.

9:46 PM: Captain Ed questions Jerry Seinfeld’s credentials to present the Best Documentary award, but why? This award is usually a joke.

9:48 PM: Ed is correct on both Best Documentary predictions. He is now 2-1 overall (the academy is a terrible 0-4 in agreeing with my picks).
NOTE TO LARRY DAVID: Do not leave Al Gore alone with your wife (unless you are into that sort of thing).

9:51 PM: Ed correctly criticizes Clint Eastwood for phoning in his introduction for that Ennio guy who did all those scores. You are a professional actor; you should be able to memorize a three minute intro.

9:55 PM: Ed wonders why Ennio Moccicone has never won an Oscar despite writing numerous memorable scores. My theory: he used to vote Republican.

10:00 PM: The Captain reveals himself to be pro-Italian language and takes another shot at Clint. He is also worried that Clint will come after him, but I think you’re safe, Ed.

I know she’s way too young for you, Captain Ed, but Penelope Cruz looks great for her age.

10:10 PM: Ed is puzzled with Jack Nicholson’s hairdo. I can clarify this one: HE’S BALD. It happens to some people.

10:15 PM: Heh. No ineed. Matthew Arndt no longer needs to kiss Matthew Broderick’s tucchus. His former boss, Broderick, can kiss Oscar!

10:17 PM: Ed’s commenters have attacked Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst for being dull. Ed gives them a faint defense – they were less dull than Al Gore. I would add that Kirsten Dunst looks pretty good for her age.

10:20 PM: Captain Ed begs to differ with the announcer who suggests that J-Lo is an “excellent reason for high-definition television”. Perhaps Ed will be more favorably inclined toward J-Lo’s looks in twenty years or so.

Whoever had 10:20 for Captain Ed’s first Anna Nicole Smith reference wins the pool!

10:21 PM: Ed getting worried about the length of the show, me too. He seems to have liked Jennifer Hudson’s performance.

10:28 PM: Ed declares that Ellen has been a nonentity most of the night, but is that supposed to be a bad thing?

10:30 PM: Ed is indignant that the “Inconvenient Truth” song beat out the clearly superior “Dreamgirls” songs. He wouldn’t be surprised had he followed Sisyphus’ rule for determining the Oscar winner: The most explicitly anti-Republican nominee wins.

10:40 PM: Captain Ed dislikes montages as much as the silhouette dancers? What’s next, coming out against campy production number?

10:42 PM: Ed is disappointed that his choice didn’t win for Film Editing? Did one of his relatives edit “United 93”?

10:50 PM: OUCH! Ed declares the commercials more interesting than the show.

10:53 PM: Ed has already cooled to his hottie Helen Mirren by hoping that Meyl Streep wins. [aside: Is it just me, or does Philip Seymour Hoffman look like he just got off a weekend long bender?]

10:55 PM: Oh sure, now Ed comes back to Helen Mirren, now that she’s won the Oscar.

11:01 PM: Is anyone surprised that Ed took a shot at YOUNG hottie, Reese Witherspoon?

11:04 PM: WRONG! Forest Whittaker wins (Is Ed saying he actually watched “Battlefield Earth”), Ed’s predictions drop to 2-2. The academy drops to 0-5.

11:07 PM: SNARK! Ed takes a shot at George Lucas and “Phantom Menace”. Predicts a Scorcese win.

11:09 PM: Ed is happy for Scorcese, and should also be happy for himself, because he’s now 3-2 in his predictions.

11:12 PM: Ed predicts “The Queen”, I predict he falls to 3-3.

11:14 PM: Captain Ed is wrong, but the Academy finally got one right by picking “The Departed”. Ed finishes 3-3, the Academy a terrible 1-5.

FINAL ANALYSIS: Captain Ed had another pretty good live blog. He revealed his preference for older women, got in a few good zingers, and made clear his distaste for silhouette dancers. His predictions were a mediocre 3-3, but part of that has to be attributed to the ineptness of the academy.

At long, long, last, this live blog is over.