Sisyphus’ Unbiased Oscar Preview

Once again I have been largely successful in avoiding Oscar nominated films so that I can give you an unbiased Oscar preview. I am only considering who should win, not who will win. If you want to know who will win, do google searches to see which nominee is most virulently anti-Bush.

Achievement in Art Direction
“Dreamgirls”, “Pan’s Labyrinth”, “The Good Shepherd”, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest”

“Pan’s Labyrinth”, sounds like one of those fantasy movies where the art direction always sucks. “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dean Man’s Chest” probably just used the same old sets from the first movie. Gay shepherd movies are so 2006, which is bad news for “The Good Shepherd”. I think we can all agree that the best art comes from the 1960s.
Sisyphus Picks: “Dreamgirls”

Best documentary short subject
“The Blood of Yingzhou District”, “Recycled Life”, “Rehearsing a Dream”, “Two Hands”

“The Blood of Yingzhou District” sounds like a non-fiction film, so it doesn’t really belong in a documentary category. “Recycled Life” sounds like an Al Gore movie. How much rehearsing could it possibly take to dream? “Two Hands” sounds run-of-the-mill – if the movie were “Three Hands”, maybe I’d consider it.
Sisyphus Picks: No Oscar

Okay, enough filler; time for the good awards.

Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio in “Blood Diamond”, Ryan Gosling in “Half Nelson”,
Peter O’Toole in “Venus”, Will Smith in “The Pursuit of Happyness”,
Forest Whitaker in “The Last King of Scotland”

Leo is an annoying twerp much of the time. I’ve never heard of Ryan Gosling, but there’s no way I’m giving it to a guy in a wrestling movie. I don’t think Scotland has ever had an African-American king, so Forest Whitaker couldn’t have been believable. I don’t think the academy should recognize movies with misspellings in their title, so no to Will Smith. Peter O’Toole is still alive? We should reward anyone who can drink that much for so long without croaking.
Sisyphus Picks: Peter O’Toole

Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin in “Little Miss Sunshine”, Jackie Earle Haley in “Little Children”, Djimon Hounsou in “Blood Diamond”, Eddie Murphy in “Dreamgirls”, Mark Wahlberg in “The Departed”

Singers shouldn’t get Oscars, so no to Mark Wahlberg and Eddie Murphy. Neither should little children, so no to Jackie Earle Haley. Alan Arkin may be old, but he is no Peter O’Toole. I think it is about time we had our first African American Oscar winner.
Sisyphus Picks: Djimon Hounsou

Performance by an actress in a leading role
Penélope Cruz in “Volver”, Judi Dench in “Notes on a Scandal”, Helen Mirren in “The Queen”, Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada”, Kate Winslet in “Little Children”

I must recuse myself in this category, because I have seen “The Devil Wears Prada”.

Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Adriana Barraza in “Babel”, Cate Blanchett in “Notes on a Scandal”, Abigail Breslin in “Little Miss Sunshine”, Jennifer Hudson in “Dreamgirls”, Rinko Kikuchi in “Babel”

The best supporting actress award should go to the hottest chick. No kids, of course, so no Abigail Breslin. Adriana Barraza looks too much like Nancy Pelosi. Rinko Kikuchi is a great name, but that is not our criteria for this award. Jennifer Hudson looks a little tubby, especially when she’s standing next to Jada Pinckett Smith. In a good year, Cate Blanchett wouldn’t have a chance, but she’s the hotty of this bunch.
Sisyphus Picks: Cate Blanchett

Best motion picture of the year
“Babel”, “The Departed”, “Letters from Iwo Jima”, “Little Miss Sunshine”, “The Queen”

“Little Miss Sunshine” sounds too cutesy. There is no way “Letters from Iwo Jima” can live up to the standard set by “The Sands of Iwo Jima”. The Biblical movie “Babel” and the gay movie “The Queen” cancel each other out. Death always makes for a good movie.
Sisyphus Picks: The Departed