Thursday, November 30, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Laura Billings Is Taking A Buyout From The Pioneer Press

11. Tired of having strangers ask if Nick is her father, she's getting ground-breaking cosmetic surgery to look older

10. Sick of seeing her work appear in the same paper as $75 a week hobby columnists

9. Now that she's getting older, she needs to spend more time working out lest Nick's eyes start to wander (again)

8. Bonnie Bleskachek offered a stimulating new position under her

7. Nick felt he needed a full-time breeder

6. Figures that since AKlo is now elected and the Democrats are back in power, her work as an independent-minded journalist is done

5. Mark Yost told her leaving the Pioneer Press was the best thing that ever happened to him

4. New Pioneer Press ethics policy prevents her from accepting pie from vendors

3. Would rather spend her time in the basement writing withering social commentary in her underwear

2. Starring in a dinner theater production of the Vagina Monologs with Deborah Locke and Glenda Holste

1. She heard that there may soon be an opening on the Star Tribune editorial board

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Sisyphus Interview with Senator-Elect James Webb

As part of our continuing effort to transition NIGP into a more serious, gravitas-filled blog, we present the Sisyphus interview with Senator-Elect James Webb of Virginia.

SISYPHUS: Welcome, Senator-Elect Webb. How are you doing today, Senator?

SENATOR WEBB: I would be doing a lot better if you and your neo-con buddies hadn’t elected Bush to the White House.

SISYPHUS: Uh, I was just asking how you were; we can get into your political views shortly.

SENATOR WEBB: How I’m doing today is between me and my doctor. If Power Line weren’t such a prominent blog, I’d slug you.

SISYPHUS: I’m from Nihilist in Golf Pants, not Power Line.

SENATOR WEBB: What? You said you wanted to interview me for the Power Line blog.

SISYPHUS: I said I wanted to interview you for a Power Line-like blog.

SENATOR WEBB: This interview is over!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

It’s Hard Out Here For A RINO

The election was hard on Minnesota Republicans of all stripes. In the state legislature, Republicans lost 19 of 68 seats in the House and 6 of 29 seats in the state Senate. The question many have been asking is whether the voters were harder on more conservative or more liberal Republicans. Would Republicans have done better had they moved more to the left?

I decided to take a look at the data to see if I could find some answers. I used the ratings from the Taxpayers League of Minnesota as a reliable gauge of a legislator’s fiscal conservatism (specifically, the average of their 2005 and 2006 ratings). I also looked at the difference in the 2005-06 ratings from the legislator’s lifetime rating to see whether there were any advantages to Republicans who swerved to the left over the last two years.

The average ratings for Republicans in the legislature shows that they have been voting more liberally over the last two years, especially so in 2006. The average rating for Republicans in the House was 70 in 2005 and a mere 57.9 in 2006 (0 is the lowest, most fiscally liberal rating and 100 is the highest, most fiscally conservative rating). The average of the two was a decline of 10.2 from the legislator’s average lifetime rating. In the Senate the numbers were 84.1 in 2005, 59.3 in 2006 and the change from the lifetime rating was a decline of 8.5. So, our first indication is that the Republican Party has been fleeing from fiscal conservatism, especially over the last year.

Now let’s look at the ratings of the Republicans who won (or for those who did not run for reelection, had their seat retained by a Republican) versus those whose seats were lost. In the House, the winners had and average rating of 65.4 versus 60.1 for the losers. The losers were also more likely to have voted more liberally on fiscal issues over the last year (winners an average of 9.2% below their lifetime rating and losers and average of 12.6% below – see chart 1).
Chart 1

RINOs in the Senate did fair better than there counterparts in the House by this measure. The average rating of Senators who won was 71.1 while it was 74.3 for the losers. But we will take a closer look to see if perhaps these numbers are misleading.

Chart 2

One trouble with this analysis is that many of the lost seats were in politically balanced districts where the rising Democratic tide could result in a candidate’s loss regardless of the candidate’s record. In an attempt to correct for this, I looked at the change in the percentage of the candidate’s margin of victory from the previous election. I split the members of each caucus in half based on their Taxpayers League Rating and calculated the change in the margin of victory for each half from the previous election.

Here the results show that it definitely did not pay to be a RINO. In the House, the Republicans in the more fiscally conservative half saw their margin of victory diminish by an average of 2.6 percentage points from the 2004 election. The RINO half saw their margin decline by nearly twice that, 4.9 percentage points. In the Senate the effect was even a little more pronounced with the fiscal conservative Republicans losing 5.4 and the more RINO Republicans losing 12. Incumbents running for reelection tend to do much better than candidates running in open seats, but the results are similar if only seats with incumbents running for reelection are considered (see charts 3 and 4).

Chart 3
Chart 4
Governor Pawlenty has brought the Republicans considerably to the left, fiscally, over the last two years with poor electoral results. Although several strong fiscal conservatives like Representative Phil Krinkie and Senator Brian LeClair were defeated, on the whole, fiscal conservatives were better off than their RINO colleagues. After all, why vote for a RINO when there is a real Democrat just down the ballot.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Top 11 Irreconcilable Differences Between Kid Rock & Pamela Anderson

11. Couldn't agree on where to hold their fourth wedding ceremony

10. She's a believer in consequentialism and he deontology

9. Kid Rock kept bogarting the weed

8. Kid Rock found out Hepatitis C is not a reference to cup size

7. He likes potato, she likes potahto

6. Kid Rock was tired of being told that he didn't "measure up"

5. Kid Rock found out that Pamela was once on a show with David Hasselhof

4. Kid insisted that Pamela choose one breast size and stick with it

3. Pamela thought she was marrying the guy from the movie "8 Mile"

2. Couldn't agree which country they should adopt their African baby from

1. Pamela refused to breast feed Kid Rock's new midget

Breaking News: We Have the Third Celebrity Break-Up

Since celebrity breakups seem to come in threes, we here at NIGP have been on the edge of our seats waiting for the final shoe to drop ever since Britney dumped K-Fed on the heels of the Reese Witherspoon – Ryan Philippe divorce.

TomKat, BrAngelina, and Beniffer can all breathe a sigh of relief – at least for now. We have the third breakup: Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock after less than four months of marriage (they had not one, not two, but three wedding ceremonies last summer).

I for one thought that PamKid were going to make it. I guess this disproves the notion that the more wedding ceremonies you have, the more likely it is that your relationship is going to work out. Maybe the advocates of gay marriage will learn a lesson from PamKid and realize that a marriage ceremony does not guarantee a lasting relationship.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Strib Plagiarist Poll

Since the Star Tribune refused to disclose which of their employees plagiarized an anonymous editorial from the New Yorker we decided to ask you, our readers, who you think did the deed – and you’ve answered: It’s a tie between Jim Boyd and Nick Coleman with 26% each!

The biggest surprise was the third place finish by James Lileks with 16%. I only included Lileks on the list so that JB would have someone to vote for.

The three employees that all of you place above suspicion are big boss Anders Gylenhaal, Barbara Flanagan, and of course, CJ.

UPDATE: It was Steve Berg! We didn’t even put him on the list because we didn’t even know he was on the editorial board.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Top 11 Worst Things About The CBS Coverage Of Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

11. Hannah Storm

10. Dave Price

9. The inane banter between the two

8. Their pulling out every Thanksgiving cliché known to man

7. The fact that Michael J. Nelson wasn't doing the commentary

6. Neil Patrick Harris reporting from the rain soaked streets

5. Neil Patrick Harris shamelessly pretending he was happy to be there

4. Neil Patrick Harris shamelessly gushing about all the "celebrities" he was running into

3. CBS shamelessly shilling by setting it up so that each of these "celebrities" just happened to be on a CBS show

2. Dave Price

1. Hannah Storm saying that the Dora The Explorer balloon was historic because it was the first in the parade to depict a Latina

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Victim Victorious

Unlike some people, I can only handle a few running gags on my blog. However, I am toying with a new gag, an award to the best personification of victimhood. As we know, there is no greater class in America than the victims. People aspire to victimhood. It gives them power. Who in America doesn't want to be able to claim mistreatment at the hands of the powerful, whether the powerful be big business, the government or some comedian, people seek out that status.

There are a few truisms of victimhood. Of course we all know that "protected" class status helps make one worthy of victimhood. But that rule isn't hard and fast. Bill Clinton was a victim because he was called to account for his immoral sexual behavior (oral sex with an employee, accusals of rape and harassment from several women). Yet he attained victimhood by having the correct politics. And there are other rules. Truly being downtrodden doesn't make for good victimhood. Americans like their victims to have a little more power. Cynthia McKinney made the perfect victim. A black, female member of US Congress who was treated roughly after failing to show proper identification to a police officer while entering a secured area. What a claim!

This week several more cases of victimhood broke out. Singer Clay Aiken was rebuked by talk show host Kelly Ripa when he placed his hand over her mouth during a taping of her show. Kelly's insensitive reply after pushing his hand away was "I don't know where that hand's been, honey." Rosie O'Donnell, who is in the victim minting business immediately declared the multi-platinum singer a victim, stating that Ripa implied his hand had recently been fondling some guy. Never mind the impoliteness of Aiken placing his tainted hand on Ripa's mouth.

In all of my study of victimhood, I can't think of a more perfect example of victimhood than Derek Jeter. Jeter, who makes about $20 million per year to play baseball for the New York Yankees, finished second in the Most Valuable player voting to Minnesota Twins slugger Justin Morneau. MVP is an award that is based on two statistics, home runs and runs batted in and some intangible sense of worth that is undefined. Morneau had 34 home runs and 130 RBIs to Jeter's 14 and 97. Over the last 5 years the MVPs of both leagues averaged 43 home runs and 119 RBIs. Morneau's total is slightly light in homers, fairly strong in RBIs. Jeter lags considerably in both. However, the New York media has made Jeter a victim because his strong intangibles trump Morneau's superior numbers. After all, Jeter is Yankee team captain, a designation that holds a truly intangible meaning, as no other teams in baseball have named a captain last year (note: I didn't look this up, so it's possible that one or two of the 30 teams has done so).

So there you have it: Derek Jeter, victim of the week.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Democrats Want To Reinstate The Draft

11. Anti-war protests just haven’t been the same without draft cards to burn

10. More troops needed for the upcoming war on global warming

9. Drafting K-Fed may help make him as big as Elvis

8. With the minimum wage hike driving up unemployment, urban poor will have nothing better to do

7. John Kerry swore that if Bush were reelected there would be a draft and they didn’t want to make him a liar

6. Canada needs immigrants

5. Barack Obama can’t challenge Hillary in ’08 if he’s in a foxhole in Afghanistan

4. They need illiterate, uneducated, hopeless losers in the military so it truly lives up to their stereotype

3. Even Democrats would like to see some of these whining hippies try to make it through basic training

2. They want to make Cheney sweat out another deferment

1. Volunteer system under represents those who hate America in the armed forces

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Top 11 Promises To Katie Holmes In Tom Cruise's Wedding Vows

11. A pan *

10. A comb *

9. Possibly a cat *

8. A two picture deal as his female lead

7. A divorce in 2015

6. She will not have to pretend he impregnated her any more

5. He won't embarrass her by appearing on "Oprah" again

4. While she is not allowed any communication with her parents, she can freely talk to any of the servants at the Cruise compound

3. Her guards will be armed with tranquilizers, not bullets

2. She has free reign to make up an imaginary friend (or baby)

1. She is allowed to choose between a lobotomy or a lifetime on high doses of psychotropic drugs

* standard Scientology vows for grooms

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Top 11 Things City Pages Bloggers Are Likely To Claim To Overhear At A Republican Election Night Party

Saint Paul at Fraters Libertas notes that some of things “overheard” by City Pages bloggers at the Republican election night party last November 7 seem to coincide quite conveniently with liberal stereotypes of Republicans. Here are the top 11 things that City Pages bloggers are likely to “overhear” at a Republican election night party:

11. “Does anyone know where Wal-Mart keeps their confederate flags?”

10. “If we lose anymore seats in Congress we may have difficulty establishing our religious theocracy.”

9. “The real reason I don’t read City Pages is that I don’t know how to read.”

8. “I’m so upset about the election results that tomorrow I’m going to lay off my poorest employees and then beat my wife.”

7. “I’m glad the Democrats are kicking our ass; we are evil, after all.”

6. “How am I doing? Uh, I don’t know. How does Rush say I’m doing?”

5. “Whenever I say the word ‘the’ you should take that as code for ‘I hate all women, minorities, and gays’. The the the the the.”

4. “Look at this shiny bottle cap I got when I rolled a homeless guy on the way over!”

3. “I’m embarrassed that Lincoln was a Republican.”

2. “Just between you and me, I secretly listen to Al Franken and laugh my ass off at his barbed wit.”

1. “What a coincidence! My parents are brother and sister too!”

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Top 11 Judi Dutcher Quotes If She Runs For Senate In 2008

11. Sure, E85, E86, whatever it takes.

10. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is F-117?

9. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is 401K?

8. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is RU486?

7. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is 1040A?

6. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is 235U?

5. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is M1A1?

4. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is WD-40?

3. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is B-12?

2. It's like you asked me the college quiz bowl question. What is AK-47?

1. Vote for me, my dad used to coach the Gophers.

Top 11 Predictions Made By Flash

Flash, the proprietor of blog Lefticity, has released
his prediction that Judi Dutcher will be the Dem nominee to take on ol' Nahm in 2008.

After we stopped laughing and dried our eyes, we put together a list of a few of his other predictions.

11. Fellow centrist Fidel Castro will win the Nobel Peace Prize

10. Hugh Hewitt will do fifteen hours of live radio in a week

09. Mitch Berg will begin bathing on a semi-regular basis

08. Garrison Keillor will make someone under 60 laugh

07. Tim O'Brien of the Star Tribune will win a Pulitzer Prize for the Blog House

06. Brad Johnson will lead the NFL this year in quarterback rating, touchdowns and completions

05. Sisyphus will bang Mary Katharine Ham

04. Saint Paul will convert to the one, true Episcopalian church

03. Mitch Berg will not engage in outrageous "hyperbole" to portray himself as a modern renaissance man

02. Learned Foot will not offer to shamelessly shill-blog for unelectable candidates

01. Andy Apilkowski will replace Ron Carey as GOP state chair

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Top 11 Things That John Hinderaker & Garrison Keillor Have In Common

11. Both of them fly first class from Minneapolis to New York

10. Both willing to shill just about anything if the price is right

9. Both engage in bitter, paranoid political commentary

8. Neither man afraid to drop the F bomb if events warrant

7. Both were communists at one point in their lives

6. Both aching for more of those upper-class Bush tax cuts

5. Both have a hard time finding good household help

4. Both have terrible singing voices

3. Neither man is particularly funny

2. Both have fond memories of the Eisenhower era

1. Both treat their radio show sidekicks with contempt

Monday, November 13, 2006

Top 11 Things We Like About The Star Tribune.

A Strib fanboy over at PL has listed his reasons why the paper is not really, like, that bad and stuff.

We agree. Here are the Top 11 things we like about it.

11. Able to keep up with the minutiae of The Gnat that is not covered in The Bleat

10. Their endorsement for State Auditor (whatever that is)

09. Constant reminder of the wise choice it was not to live in Minnepeapolis

08. Jon Bream's deep understanding of what old people listen to

07. Strib fashion and style editors let us know something is out when they start reporting that its in (usually twelve to eighteen months late)

06. The State Fair cartoon piece that run EVERY year with the same jokes about typical Minnesotans eating too much and wearing t-shirts with slogans never gets old

05. The annual turkey coloring contest

04. Reading Bloghouse allows us to skip reading any of the local lefty blogs

03. CJ's column keeps us up to date on who the local weekend TV anchors are dating (the latest is that Robyne Robinson is dating the MPLS fire department)

02. Promotion of alternative lifestyles lets normal Minnesotans see how whacked-out these people really are

01. The white space

Turning Lebanese

Kofi Annan explains how Israel is being unreasonable. Please, someone tell me that this is a misquote:

Secretary-General Kofi Annan said that one of the problems in the negotiations for the release of the two kidnapped Israeli soldiers in Lebanon is the demand for Hizballah to return them alive.

Thank God that our Democratic-controlled congress will see a more nuanced view of the world than those darned Republicans. Let the negotiations begin!

Hat tip to NDNation.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Top 11 Groups Most Excited About The Democrats Taking Control of Congress

11. CNN

10. Al Qaeda

9. Gay divorce attorneys

8. Iranian mullahs

7. Tax attorneys

6. Hezbollah

5. People who still believe in revolution, but question their 'nads


3. Short-sellers of Halliburton

2. The French

1. Conservative talk radio hosts

Cynical Vikings Guy: I Told You So

There were those who mocked my pre-season call for firing Childress. There were those who disbelieved me when a said that Troy Williamson could not catch a pass. There were those who thought Brad Johnson still had something left and that it was ridiculous to call for rookie Tarvaris Jackson to start. There were those who thought the Vikings had a shot at making the playoffs. I have four words for all of you:

I told you so.

I could have said this after last week’s dismal performance (9 points against the pathetic 49ers defense) but I decided to wait a week for the Vikings to reach Rock Bottom: a 23-17 loss to the worst team in the league: the Green Bay Packers.

It is time to write off this season and prepare for the future:

  • Start Tarvaris Jackson to get him some experience
  • Try to find a team stupid enough trade us a seventh round draft pick for Troy Williamson
  • Apologize to the fans for drafting Ryan Cook in the second round
  • Fire Childress; come up with a plan to lure Tony Dungy from the Colts for next season
  • Stop sucking

There is one silver lining: the obsessive Packer guys are starting to get their hopes up. It will be sweet to see their spirit crushed once more.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Election Throws Iraq A Dead Man's Curve?

Who says the terrorists aren't emboldened by the Democratic electoral sweep? Here's one insurgent's opinion of the election, courtesy of Jan & Dean's Surf City:

Seventy virgins for every boy

I got a TNT loaded wagon and we call it a IED
(Sadr City, here we come)
Democrats won election, us insurgents screamed goody
(Sadr City, here we come)
The infidels might have high-tech gizmos
But the clock’s ticking now, they’re gonna go

And we're goin' to Sadr City, ’caus the Dems have won
You know we're goin' to Sadr City, the war’s almost done
Ya, we're goin' to Sadr City, ’caus the Dems have won
You know we're goin' to Sadr City, the war’s almost done
Seventy virgins for every boy

You see they don’t dare roll the streets up 'cause there's always somethin' goin'
(Sadr City, here we come)
You know we’re kidnappin and beheading or we got a jihad growin'
(Sadr City, here we come)
Well, there’s seventy virgins for every guy
And all you gotta do is blow yourself sky-high

Ya, we're goin' to Sadr City, ’caus the Dems have won
You know we're goin' to Sadr City, the war’s almost done
Ya, we're goin' to Sadr City, ’caus the Dems have won
Ya, we're goin' to Sadr City, the war’s almost done
Seventy virgins for every boy

And if my IED breaks down on me somewhere on the hajj route
(Sadr City, here we come)
I'll strap a bomb to my back, find a big crowd and kaput!
(Sadr City, here we come)
And when I get to Sadr City I'll be shootin' at girls
As enemies withdraw, those infidel curs!

And we're goin' to Sadr City, ’caus the Dems have won
You know we're goin' to Sadr City, the war’s almost done
Ya, we're goin' to Sadr City, ’caus the Dems have won
Ya, we're goin' to Sadr City, the war’s almost done
Seventy virgins for every boy

Friday, November 10, 2006

Top 11 Suggestions For Democrats In The Wake Of Their Crushing Election Defeat

Since I listen to Hugh Hewitt a lot, I was convinced that the Republicans would win big in the midterms. Now all of the post-election material I prepared is obsolete. But some of the material is just too killer to throw away, so here are the top 11 suggestions for Democrats in the wake of their crushing defeat:

11. Accuse Rove of manipulating the calendar so that the first Tuesday in November fell as late as possible – allowing Republicans more time to cheat

10. Obviously Ned Lamont wasn’t nutty enough – vow to find even nuttier candidates for the next election cycle

9. Fantasize about how much taxes will be raised when you finally do win an election

8. Tell friends that you just might riot in the streets

7. Whine about Republican cheating

6. Once again, call for the resignation of Cheney and Rumsfeld

5. Whine some more about Republican cheating

4. Go see that movie that fantasizes about the assassination of George W. Bush

3. Vow to drive even more illegal aliens to the polls next time

2. Find a judge who will rule that if the election returns differ from the final StarTribune Minnesota Poll, the Minnesota Poll will take precedence

1. Move to Venezuela

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Top 11 Condolences Given To Mike Hatch

11. It was a real tough year for Democrats

10. Kevin Federline had a worse Tuesday than you

9. Donald Rumsfeld had a worse Wednesday than you

8. You won't have to act happy to see convention-going Republicans in 2008

7. Governors don't get to sue anyone

6. Tim Pawlenty will probably enact your anti-business agenda anyway

5. Fagre and Benson pays top dollar for mean SOB litigators

4. You still have a lot of friends in the local business community

3. The governors mansion has lead in the pipes (at least that's what we believed during the Ventura administration)

2. You don't have to pretend you're not an a-hole anymore

1. You would have won easily if you had asked Clemette Haskins to be your running mate

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Top 11 Celebrity Couples Most Likely To Become The Third Big Break Up

11. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner

10. Elton John and that gay guy

9. Michele Bachmann and her loser husband

8. Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn

7. Courtney Cox and David Arquette

6. Bill Clinton and Hillary Rodham

5. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

4. Donald Trump and Melania Knauss

3. Natalie Portman and whatever loser she is currently dating

2. Tom Cruise and whoever he is claiming to be impregnating

1. Scarlett Johansson and that loser who was in that Pearl Harbor movie

First With Election Results

The polls have closed, and we have a winner in the "You So Ugly" Election contest.

It's not often that Wendy Wilde is the most attractive lady in the room, but she finished this election that way, garnering a mere 3% of the vote. That's even less than the paltry amount she will get in her race against Jim Ramstad.

Hillary Clinton is carpetbagging again. However, Minnesota voters aren't as gullible as New Yorkers, as she finishes second to last with only 16%. I guess she won't be staying home baking gorilla cookies with her face.

Patty Wetterling finished a disappointing third with 19%. In her House race, victim status has prevented her opponents from attacking her despite her utter lack of qualifications. This status must also have prevented people from wanting to calling her "ugly."

Amy Klobuchar nearly snagged a double victory tonight. She will replace Mark Dayton as Minnesota's Senatorial disgrace, but will fail to win the "You So Ugly" contest, despite garnering an impressive 27% of the vote with a late surge.

This leads to our winner, Colleen Rowley. She proved to be an unattractive candidate in more ways than one. She won with a 35% plurality of our vote. That's a similar number to her finish against congressman John Kline. Rowley is famous as a whistle-blower. Now we know that it's because the voters of the second district make her blow that whistle so they can shield their eyes when they know she's coming. Smile Colleen! You're the winner of the 2006 "You So Ugly" election contest.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006


[Scroll down for more updates]
Britney Spears and K-Fed are splitting up. Repeat: Britney Spears and K-Fed are splitsville. More details as events warrant.

Was it embarrassment over K-Fed’s embarrassing rap career that led Britney to dump her talentless hubby? Reports indicate that K-fed had to do some big time begging to keep NYC’s Webster Hall club frocancelingng his sparsely attended gig. Way to kick a man when he’s down Britney. Not very classy.

Still nothing on CNN about the breakup. No wonder they're tanking in the ratings.

“IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES” – that is what MSNBC is reporting as the grounds for divorce. Britney is asking for custody of their two children. No word yet on how much K-Fed will be asking for in spousal supporUPDATE
Say what you will about Britney, but she has the best website on semi-conductor physics on the internet.

MEDIA ALERT: I will be on AM1280 the Patriot tonight with the NARN crew to discuss the Brit-Fed breakup. Internet stream available here.

MEDIA ALERT: My appearance tonight on the Patriot has been cancelled.

Do celebrity breakups come in threes? Last week we had Ryan and Reese and now Brit-Fed. Who will be the third couple? Tune in later tonight for the top 11 celebrity couples most likely to become number three.

The MSM appears to have their priorities wrong again. This is clearly the most important event facing our nation today. As for the top 11 couples likely to be #3, it will likely be one of the six remaining couples from my January celebrity breakup prediction.

Top 11 Reasons CNN Cancelled John Hinderaker's Appearance on Larry King

11. King Refuses to work with anyone of Dutch ancestry

10. They thought they were getting the one nicknamed "Big Trunk"

9. They realized Power Line has nothing to do with fly fishing

8. Found out he was Lutheran and Lutherans believe that the Pope is the anti-Christ

7. Became very jealous after listening to the latest PowerLine podcast

6. CNN concerned about projecting a conservative bias

5. Let's just say that Dan Rather and King are old drinking buddies

4. Ted Turner found out he was a former NARN Loon of the Week

3. They heard about Hinderaker's proclivity for profanity

2. Bumped for breaking news from local Pizza Hut that Kirstie Allie is off her diet

1. Afraid that Hinderaker would appear on the show like he blogs - without pants!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Top 11 Things That Larry King Will Ask Power Line's John Hinderaker Tonight On CNN

11. Now who are you again?

10. That Kirstie Allie really looks great these days, doesn't she?

9. What's it like working with Brian Ward and Chad the Elder?

8. Hinderaker--what is that, Dutch?

7. When you're not blogging do you and Markos ever get together for dinner at Dantana's?

6. What do right wing extremists really want?

5. Do you ever pinch yourself?

4. Liza Minnelli sure is a survivor, isn't she?

3. I've been reading your blog and I have just one question: did you go to Dartmouth?

2. Did you ever think of adding Tony Danza as a contributor to Power Line? Wow, what a performer!

1. Where can the people at home find the Internet?

Top 11 Notes On Mike Hatch's Hand During Friday's TPT Almanac Debate

11. Smile

10. After the show, make sure Judi Dutcher hasn’t escaped from her cage again

9. Remain calm

8. E-85 = that ethanol gas stuff

7. Unclench teeth

6. Remember to always use personal cell phone to call judges

5. Ethanol is made from corn

4. Deep breathes

3. Don't call Wurzer a whore

2. Serenity now

1. Don't call Eskola a whore

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Top 11 Reasons Rebecca Otto Wasn’t Endorsed By The Star Tribune

Saint Paul at Fraters Libertas draws our attention to the sad case of the DFL candidate for Minnesota State Auditor, Rebecca Otto. The far-left Otto was the only DFL candidate for statewide office to not receive the endorsement of that Democratic Party organ, the Star Tribune. As Saint notes, the Strib usually endorses a token Republican just so they can indignantly scoff at anyone who refers to them as an organ of the Democratic Party. Nevertheless, the reliably leftist Otto must be wondering: “Why, oh, why, must I be the token non-endorsee?” Here are the top 11 posibilities:

11. Mistakenly thought she was related to Otto from “The Simpsons”

10. Didn’t believe her when she promised to raise taxes

9. Her husband is responsible for wasting two hours of the editorial board’s life by making that crappy movie, House of Sand and Fog

8. Knew a Rebecca in high school who was a total bitch

7. They are skeptical of her claim that she bales her own hay

6. If even Mark Dayton can do the job, State auditor must not be a very significant post

5. Rebecca is a tad too attractive to be a true DFL woman

4. She seemed to know just a little too much about E-85

3. She’s a fat cat who lives on a horse farm (complete with a walleye-rearing pond) in Marine-on-St. Croix

2. You know the media; they’re all just a bunch of Republican whores

1. One of her forefathers founded the Minnesota Republican Party

Saturday, November 04, 2006

"You So Ugly" Election Contest

Election day is coming soon. Our local DFL seems to believe that ugliness translates into votes. Look at the list of DFL contenders for national office:

Amy Klobuchar - US Senate

Colleen Rowley - US Congress District 2

Patty Wetterling - US Congress District 6

Wendy Wilde - US Congress District 3

If ugliness translated into votes, which one of these contenders would be a shoo-in to win. Just to make things interesting, let's add Senator Hillary Clinton from New York. Her opponent was criticized earlier in the campaign for calling her . . . ugly.

Vote like a Democrat, early and often. Polls close Tuesday.

Top 11 "You So Ugly Jokes"

A reader e-mails that they didn't get the Redd Foxx reference in a recent post. Mister Foxx was a hilarious comedian best known for his TV role as Fred G. Sanford. As Sanford, Foxx would often insult his sister-in-law with "You So Ugly Jokes." Here are my top 11 "You So Ugly" punchlines (note that before each punchline you should read "You So Ugly..."):

11. I could stick your face in some dough and make gorilla cookies.

10. I could stick your face in the freezer and make an ugly cicle.

9. You'd better not go to the zoo because they'd never let you out.

8. Homing pigeons would refuse to come back to you.

7. When you walk into a bank they turn off the cameras.

6. George W. Bush wants to use your face to promote abstinence.

5. You could model for death threats.

4. When you were born, the doctor slapped your mama.

3. Any sex with you is doggie style.

2. Your mama had to get drunk to breast feed.

1. Babies literally play peek-a-boo with you. First they peek, then they boo.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Judi Dutcher’s Top 11 Reasons For Not Having Heard Of E-85

11. “My husband handles all that ‘car stuff’”

10. “E-85 sounds like math – and math is hard.”

9. “The whole reason I left the Republican Party in the first place is so I wouldn’t be asked tough questions.”

8. “Are you sure E-85 isn’t that new woman’s right to choose pill?”

7. “Only journalists who are Republican whores ask trick questions like that.”

6. “Oh, E-85, that icky smelling stuff. I thought you said B-85.”

5. “If E-85 is so important, why hasn't Oprah done a show on it?”

4. “If I’m so stupid why aren’t I stuck in Iraq?”

3. “I’ll bet Carol Molnau has never heard of E-85 either.”

2. “This is just proof that Tim Pawlenty isn’t spending enough taxpayer money advertising it.”

1. “Minnesota isn’t much of a corn state anyway.”

Top 11 Powerline Posts About Dartmouth

Powerline likes to write about Dartmouth. I guess I can't blame them. If I had gone to a storied Ivy League institution instead of the POS "U" (barely eeking out a cheesy BA degree in a mere 9 years)I would write about it a lot too.

So with that in mind here are the Top 11 headlines from recent Powerline posts regarding Dartmouth:

11. Gridiron Heroics Against Columbia Raises Dartmouth's Record to 1-5

10. A Freshman And His Roommate Got Drunk Last Night At Dartmouth

09. Dartmouth To Admit My Nephew

08. Dartmouth Recently Ranked One Of The Top 100 Schools In America

07. Dartmouth To Begin Offering History Classes

06. Football Factory Harvard Beats Dartmouth 28-0

05. Vote For PowerLine Puppets for Dartmouth Board Of Trustees

04. Administrators Tend To Be Liberals At Dartmouth

03. People Wear A Lot Of Plaid At Dartmouth

02. Dartmouth Alumni Unusually Good-Looking and Rich

01. Dartmouth, Dartmouth, Dartmouth!

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Top 11 Reasons John Kerry Cancelled His Appearance In St. Paul Today

11. Had to stay in Washington to vote against some more stuff he'd previously voted for.

10. Minnesota DFL cancelled him when they realized Halloween was over.

9. Feared that his joke about "what happens if you don't watch your kid when he's outside riding his bike," wouldn't go over well.

8. Auditioning for the cast of Saturday Night Live (he's about as funny as most of them).

7. Afraid that if he ran into any veterans they might torture him.

6. Busy counting his wife's money.

5. Being counseled by Howard Dean on how to look reasonable and moderate.

4. It's a flip-flopping pol's prerogative to change his mind.

3. Came up with some killer material about African-Americans not being able to swim and wanted to try it out campaigning with Robert Byrd.

2. Didn't think campaigning in Minnesota would be the best way to undermine American war effort.

1. Saw a picture of Amy Klobuchar and knew he wouldn't be able to resist breaking out into a Redd Fox impersonation.