Top 11 Reasons John Kerry Cancelled His Appearance In St. Paul Today

11. Had to stay in Washington to vote against some more stuff he'd previously voted for.

10. Minnesota DFL cancelled him when they realized Halloween was over.

9. Feared that his joke about "what happens if you don't watch your kid when he's outside riding his bike," wouldn't go over well.

8. Auditioning for the cast of Saturday Night Live (he's about as funny as most of them).

7. Afraid that if he ran into any veterans they might torture him.

6. Busy counting his wife's money.

5. Being counseled by Howard Dean on how to look reasonable and moderate.

4. It's a flip-flopping pol's prerogative to change his mind.

3. Came up with some killer material about African-Americans not being able to swim and wanted to try it out campaigning with Robert Byrd.

2. Didn't think campaigning in Minnesota would be the best way to undermine American war effort.

1. Saw a picture of Amy Klobuchar and knew he wouldn't be able to resist breaking out into a Redd Fox impersonation.