Top 11 Reasons Laura Billings Is Taking A Buyout From The Pioneer Press

11. Tired of having strangers ask if Nick is her father, she's getting ground-breaking cosmetic surgery to look older

10. Sick of seeing her work appear in the same paper as $75 a week hobby columnists

9. Now that she's getting older, she needs to spend more time working out lest Nick's eyes start to wander (again)

8. Bonnie Bleskachek offered a stimulating new position under her

7. Nick felt he needed a full-time breeder

6. Figures that since AKlo is now elected and the Democrats are back in power, her work as an independent-minded journalist is done

5. Mark Yost told her leaving the Pioneer Press was the best thing that ever happened to him

4. New Pioneer Press ethics policy prevents her from accepting pie from vendors

3. Would rather spend her time in the basement writing withering social commentary in her underwear

2. Starring in a dinner theater production of the Vagina Monologs with Deborah Locke and Glenda Holste

1. She heard that there may soon be an opening on the Star Tribune editorial board