Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Cause Now I Got A Reason Of An Economy

Here's another separated at birth featuring a prominent 1970's music figure:

The man who, intent on destroying the music industry, led the punk rock movement in the 1970's, Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren

and the man who, intent on destroying all American industry, leads the bailout/stimulus spending movement, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner

The Jews Are Arsenal Men

Being a blogger is a fat life. Over the years us Nihilist in Golf Pants contributors have become accustomed to all the perks that come with being A-list bloggers. The booze, the parties, the boozy parties and the babes. But it occurs to us that the success of this blog does not solely ride on the thrice-monthly postings of our genius. Well, sure, that's like 99% of it, but we wouldn't be where we are today without you: the 4 or 5 people who comment on our awesome scribblings.

Unfortunately, the way this blog is set up, the reader comments get buried underneath a link that one must click in order to unearth all the commenty goodness inside. This can be too much for some people, and these reader comments often go unread.

To that end, today we introduce an exciting new feature here at the Nihilist in Golf Pants. Each week, or month, or - more probably - year, the staff here at NIGP will cull the comments left here and shine a spotlight on those rare ones that are deserving of more attention than a dank little comment section can provide. So here is your inaugural:

Today's featured comment was left on St. Paul's epic NARN funding expose' post by a certain "Anonymous", and reads as follows:



I'm just going to pause here to note that the reader should lend a certain amount of credence to this comment as it is in all capital letters and is completely without punctuation. This tells us that the writer was in a hurry because his message is so urgent.


I like how the commenter here explains what "irreversibly" means in the provided parenthetical. Or he may have been just expressing relief. Whatever it may be, I have not been able to find out the names of these two convicted PMs are. The closest thing I could find on a google search was the conviction of a former Israeli Justice Minister for getting a bit frisky with a female soldier. But really, can you blame him?

We have a call in to Anonymous asking for the names of the two Prime Ministers he is referring to. As soon as we learn the names we will pass them on to you.


Again Anonymous helps us understand the magnitude of the problem in a helpful parenthetical. A link to the source of this information would have been nice, but that may be asking too much of an obviously chastened commenter. At least we got the parenthetical.


Maybe they should have marked the buildings. Don't know why they'd put them in unmarked buildings. And I have to express confusion as to the parentheticals here. But thanks for the effort!



In this unsourced portion of the comment, we see the commenter bust out the - what I can only assume - super-duper important double parenthesis to draw our attention to "UN".

Again, I'm at a loss here, but I fully applaud the effort.

The commenter then adds value by providing a helpful list of businesses to boycott so we can really stick it to those filthy Jews who purportedly did all that stuff listed above:


Ooo. A header set off by asterisks. Nice touch. An all caps header may have sufficed had the entire comment not been written in all caps, so the commenter innovates here. I like it.


A subhead not set off by asterisks to provide specificity! Bravo, good sir! Bra-vo.

AOL Time Warner
Time Life magazine, CNN, ICQ

Apax Partners
Jonny Rockets, Sunglass Hut.
Arsenal Football Club

Wait a sec!



This guy must be an Everton Hooligan masquerading as an intelligent internet commenter in an effort to get the Nihilist in Golf Pants to disavow its close ties to our beloved Arsenal Herd!

Again, I say: NEVER!

This Featured Reader Comment of the Week is over!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Those Were The Days

Below is a screenshot of the New York Times website from last June 4, when Obama clinched the Democratic nomination. Note the market information on the right. (click to enlarge)

Sunday, March 29, 2009

You're Doing A Heckuva Job, Brownie

Political commentator Kanye West broke the news that President George W Bush caused the suffering in New Orleans around Hurricane Katrina because he, "hates black people."

Today the residents of Fargo, North Dakota and Moorhead, Minnesota are battling flooding that could destroy their cities much like Katrina devastated the New Orleans. The question they all want to know is, does Barack Obama hate white people as much as George W. Bush hates black people. So far, since the destruction in the Red River Valley has not equaled the Katrina destruction, many people believe he does not harbor the same kind of hatred. But it's hard to know for sure, because Presidents of the United States have been reluctant to discuss how much they hate certain races. Their reluctance to discuss their racial hatred makes them cowards (source: Attorney General Eric Holder) and serves as further proof of their racism.

So far, like President Bush did with Katrina, President Obama is pretending to express concern for the victims of the disaster. He has mirrored Bush's empty actions of declaring the area a disaster and sending FEMA in to "help" the victims. Adding insult to injury, he has sent in the same US Army Corps of Engineers that failed New Orleans to the Red River Valley. Can't we all just get along?

Meanwhile, residents of the area are doing the only thing they can do, petitioning Barack Obama for mercy. Notice the sneaky code word they use for the President:

"At a time like this, we need to call on God's providential assistance," said the Rev. Bob Ona, pastor of Fargo's First Assembly of God church.

They are also proving that they aren't as smart as the Katrina victims. They are actually trying to protect their property from flooding, instead of profiting from looting. As expected, their efforts have not been fully successful:

The helicopter sandbag effort was focused on an area of the river that put another scare into the city during the night when it burst past a levee and submerged a Lutheran school campus.

Oak Grove Lutheran Principal Morgan Forness said city officials, the Army Corps of Engineers, and the National Guard unsuccessfully tried to contain the gushing water after a floodwall buckled around 1:30 a.m. The water kept spreading and "we couldn't contain it. ... it's inundating all of the buildings," Forness said.

"The campus is basically devastated. They fought the good fight. They lost, and there's nothing wrong with that," Mayor Dennis Walaker said. "Those things will continue to happen. I guarantee it."

Silly Lutherans, putting their faith in God. His power is nothing compared to the mighty fortress that is our Federal Government.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Top 11 NARN Funding Sources

Word is starting to leak out about the shadowy forces paying AM1280 The Patriot to broadcast the Northern Alliance Radio Network each and every Saturday 11am - 5 PM. The worst part of any scandal of course is the cover up. So rather than rely on the standard denials, obfuscations, and misdirection, it's time to come clean with this list of the Top 11 sources bankrolling the whole operation.

11) Halliburton

10) Big Oil

9) Big Tobacco

8) Bigfoot

7) Richard Mellon Scaife

6) Big Melons

5) Hugh Hewitt

4) The Bildeburgers

3) What-a-Burger

2) The Pavek Museum of Broadcasting

1) The Troubled Asset Relief Program

Friday, March 27, 2009

Some Of His Best Friends Are Nappy Headed Ho's

Now that Barack Obama is in the White House, and the Democrats firmly control Congress, liberal media whiners have no alternative but to turn on their own in search of a more hyper-sensitive politically correct world.

This brings us to the case of USA Today sports columnist Christine Brennan. Her columns are typically inane crap that one can easily skip, unless you needed a professional journalist to tell you that Tiger Woods is a competitive guy. Nice scoop, Christine. Sometimes she augments her bland and uninsightful column with whiny crap about how women's sports are under appreciated, underfunded and undervalued.

Tuesday, she took the whining to a new level, criticizing President Obama for failing to waste his valuable time filling out a bracket for the women's NCAA Basketball Tournament (in the insert to the left of the main story). Some excerpts:

. . . Obama is a big men's hoops fan and avid player, but the fact remains there is another top-notch college basketball tournament going on at the same time, and he absolutely should have acknowledged it.

He also should have insisted on saying his bracket was for the "men's NCAA tournament."

Those who don't use that pesky little adjective -- and you know who you are -- are acting as if there's no women's tournament at all, or it's so beneath them, it's not worth mentioning. This is rather silly. It is 2009, after all.

While we're on the subject of adjectives, why do some schools still insist on calling their women's teams "Lady" this or "Lady" that?

Although I am philosophically opposed to President Obama on many things, I will stand beside him in his brazen disrespect of women. The president is likely the busiest man on the face of the earth, even during normal times. President Obama has taken on an agenda more impressive than most of his predecessors. Since taking office, he has worked nearly nonstop on his plans to tank the stock market, devalue the dollar, reignite inflation, destroy America's banking and health care systems, impose regulatory burdens on industry through onerous "cap and trade" legislation, start protectionist trade wars, and reward his contributors with hundreds of billions of dollars of "stimulus." Further, he wants to erode America's power so that terrorist governments like Iran as well as militarized police states like Russia and China can dictate their agendas to the USA.

So excuse me, Christine Brennan, if he doesn't have the time to decide whether the Lady Huskies of UConn can capture another NCAA Women's Basketball title. Give the guy a break!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Top 11 Signs You May Be Sexually Frustrated

11. You are married to Tom Cruise

10. Your name is "Garrison Keillor"

9. You have a blog

8. You write a newspaper column about blogs

7. Your spouse doesn't arouse you as much as your back-dated stock options do

6. You get excited watching women's college basketball

5. You're the only thirty-six year old single man at the petting zoo

4. You are a software engineer

3. You feel no sympathy for Marian Gaborik's groin injury

2. Your Level 7 Paladin was killed while you were looking at porn in another browser window

1. You get aroused at the car wash

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A Linguist on Mars

The following is a conversation I had with a local leftyblogger whilst waiting for the bus. It is fictional: I never take the bus.

Left-Wing Doucheblogger (LWDB): Hey - did you hear about that crazy Michele Bachmann's latest craziness? That crazy woman said her crazy wingnut supporters should stage an armed revolt against the administration. That crazy lady is crazy. Crazy.

LearnedFoot: Yeah, erm.. that's not what she said. I'm afraid you have a tin ear.

LWDB: No. My ear is made out of skin, blood and body parts. Besides I read it on the blogs so it must be true!

LF: There's your first mistake.

LWDB: Can I ask you a question?

LF: Shoot.

LWDB: Huh? I don't have a gun -

LF: Ah...crap

LWDB: ...and in any event, why would I want to shoot you?

LF: I see your problem - it's a metaphor.

LWDB: A what now?

LF: A metaphor. You know: "all the world's a stage..."

LWDB: Oh, now that's just dumb! Everyone knows that the world is the world: made out of dirt and trees and kitties and magma and grass and global warming. You so crazy!

LF: I see that I'm talking to a wall.

LWDB: No. You are talking to me. The wall's over there. Talking to walls is crazy. I bet Michele Bachmann talks to walls. Because she's CA-RAZY!

[LearnedFoot demurs. Awkward silence follows.]

LWDB: [Changing subject] Did you know that the YMCA now has a restaurant?

LF: Interesting. I did not.

LWDB: Yeah, I didn't either. My friend invited me to go tonight. She said I'd enjoy eating -

LF: This conversation is over!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Top 11 Names for the Proposed St. Cloud Area County that Would Be Better Than Lake Wobegon County

Some Democrats in the Minnesota Legislature have proposed merging Stearns County, Benton County and northern Sherburne County to form a new entity they are tentatively calling Lake Wobegon County. What an embarrassment that would be. Fortunately, the residents of the new county would have final say on the name. Here are the top 11 names that would be better than Lake Wobegon:

11. Woodchipper-from-Fargo County

10. Drunk and Disorderly County

9. Flannel County

8. King County

7. Banaian County

6. Yoose From The Cities? County

5. Real Housewives of Orange County

4. Inbred County

3. Hairy-Backed Swamp Developer County

2. Bacon County

1. Ronald Reagan County

Friday, March 20, 2009

Do you ever notice . . .

My favorite moments from President Obama's appearance on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno:

Leno: Now, Treasury Secretary Geithner, he seems to be taking a little bit of heat here. How is he holding up with this? He seems like a smart guy.

THE PRESIDENT: It's like -- it was like Special Olympics, or something. (Laughter.)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Top 11 Predicted Gaffes Vice President Joe Biden Will Make In St. Cloud Tomorrow

11. He will talk about how Governor Floyd B. Olson went on television after the stock market crash in 1929 to reassure Minnesota

10. In honor of SCSU, he will lead a chant of "Let's Go Gophers"

9. He will refer to Minneapolis and St. Paul as the "Twin Cities" rather than "The Cities" leaving everyone in Stearns County confused

8. He will pledge to follow in the footsteps of the Vice Presidents from Minnesota and one day be elected President

7. He will refer to King Banaian as a highly regarded Turkish-American economist

6. He'll mention this is only the second time he's been to Canada.

5. His gift of special edition "Fargo" DVD won't go over well with St. Cloud mayor

4. While he thinks mic is off will say to staff members: "My God, how do people live in this Shiite-hole! This place is worse than Rochester."

3. He'll commend the residents commitment to the environment shown by canonizing a cloud

2. He will praise Saint Cloud for having driven the snakes out of Ireland

1. He will ask to see the case where SCSU keeps all their NCAA Division 1 hockey championship trophies

Top 11 Ways to Spend Your AIG Bonus

11. A new cottage in Ireland

10. Bacon! Bacon! Bacon!

9. Hire Tom Daschle to lobby for a larger bailout

8. Gold, after all the stock market is going to hell

7. Hire a shrewd tax attorney

6. Buy the New York Times to get some better publicity

5. Three words: Obama commemorative plates

4. Sponsor a local right wing radio program (cheap)

3. Finish and arm your underground bunker

2. Box set of 25 Classic DVDs

1. New top hat and monocle

What Would Kelly Clarkson Eat? (WWKKE?)

Poor Randy Travis.

Oh fer...really? Another post about American Idol? 


Cue sound of Tim O'Brien's eyes rolling back in his head. 

"Damnit! Alls I want is another pithy top 11 list! I don't want to read this rambling garbage! WHY IS  THIS JOB SO HARD?!"

Jes' doin' what I'm told. Writin' about what moves me. And what moves me today is the fact that Randy Travis looks like a human Pez dispenser. I'd put up a picture but I don't know how. If you didn't see it, just use your imagination. Guy looks like he died of AIDS two months ago. Seriously.  He looked like a giant set of novelty-shop clackity-clack teeth wearing a wig.

I love Randy Travis. He's one of the reasons I started listening to country music, lo these many years ago. I'm not sure that made any sense, I didn't sleep very well. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my face puffing up from the 47 pounds of corned-beef I inhaled while I worried about Randy Travis. I went into the bathroom and was greeted by the Down Syndrome version of myself in the mirror. I stole that line from a friend of mine. 

But it's hard to go  back to sleep after witnessing something as disturbing as my face on corned beef. The good news is, I'm wearing sunglasses all day today, even inside. Yup, I'm one of those people. Wearing sunglasses indoors is one of those things everyone likes to rip on but everyone secretly knows is cool. Like smoking.

Anyway, besides looking like he was wearing a Patrick Swayze costume, Randy Travis proved to be a highly entertaining guest-established-music-industry-personality. All the guests usually do is say something generic and nice about the contestants  before going out and plugging their latest CD. Not Randy. Of Scott MacEntire (aka The Blind Guy...I did actually learn everyone's name) he haltingly said "It was...not good." 

And it wasn't. He's terrible. Can we stop pandering now and send him home, please?? He WILL cut a best-selling inspirational- rock CD, he WILL marry a supermodel before the year is out, he WILL be on the next season of Dancing With the Stars. His future success is not a prediction, it is an a priory truth. With that in mind, can I please not have to listen to him anymore? THANK YOU.

Better yet was watching a manly southern-gentleman try and make heads or tails of glam-rocking-polarizer Adam Lambert.

Randy Travis, with equal parts nervousness and perplexity: "Weh--heh heh, I don' know about fellas who whearn fingernail polish, heh, and desecratin' an iconical song like the great Johnny Cash's Ring of Fahr, heh heh, well, wheren I come from you'd get your porch egged for that kind of disrespect. He seems like a nice fellah, though."

That's not actually what he said, but that's what he said.  

And what a creeptastic performance Adam's was. The boy's got talent, it can't be denied, but he gave the entire country a collective case of the willies. I loved it. I hated it. I lated it. 

Contestant's performances measured on my Kelly Clarkson Fatmeter:

Michael Sarver: Bleh. Not really worth the calories, but what the hell.  One donut, no sprinkles.

Alison Iraheta: Hmmm...I like this little girl. Reliable, spicy, fresh. Two scoops of Kung Pow Chicken.

Kris Allen: Fine. Boring. I guess, if there's nothing else around...Two slices white toast with decaf tea.

Lil Rounds: Overrated. What am I missing that everyone else sees? One order of cedar plank salmon...from the Byerly's deli case.

Adam Lambert: YOWZA! I want to binge on it and then make myself throw up for two days. A sickening mixture of awesome and icky! Three Patron silver margaritas with a dead mouse chaser.

Scott MacEntire: A bag of marshmallows. Nauseating.

Alexis Grace: Huh. I used to like her, now I'm not so sure. Trying to be a powerhouse but falling short. A t-bone steak boiled in a pot of dishwater. Yeah, that sounds unappetizing, but Kelly would eat it anyway.

Meghan Corkery: Gawd. She is absolutely stunning, and that slutty dress she wore last night ensured she'll stay in another week. Her voice is kind of cool, but her presentation...what the hell is with all the wiggling, and why would a girl that pretty cover herself with tattoos?  I don't know. I give her, um, two bomb-pops. 

Anoop: I think Anoop is charming and  awful. Completely out of his depth. He reminds me of a guy with a mic at a kegger. You'd think he was great there, but in the real world? Not so much. I give him a peanut butter sandwich and a stale beer Kelly found in her glove compartment when she drove her car into a snowbank.

Matt Girard: I dig him. He's good, and it's just his bad luck to be in a season along with Adam and Danny. He'll duke it out for third. Solid. Barbequed ribs.

And last but not least, Danny Gokey. He killed it.  A ribeye from Manny's, chocolate mouse from Lurcat,  seven helpings of homemade mac-n-cheese and a gin and tonic at the 19th hole.

Hey! That's 11.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Barack Likes To Sink Her

Much ado has been made in conservative circles about the possible reinstatement of the "Fairness Doctrine." This would potentially allow government to censor voices it doesn't like off the radio airwaves.

Would Barack Obama like to silence his talk radio critics? I suppose so. But I'd suggest he go after the internet first. Sites like this one love to use our outdated concept of free speech to spew our vile and hatred. Are we not as heinous as Rush Limbaugh? We're not? How about Powerline? Surely they are hate merchants on a par with Rush.

Actually, I have a suggestion of a site to shut down ahead of Powerline and Nihilist In Golf Pants. Obama should shut down Chicapedia. Now, I know that with all of the internet pornography available, a soft-core and mildly sexist site like Chicapedia shouldn't bother our intellectual and moral betters. However, I present this link as proof that this site is deserving of the death penalty.

That's right, Michelle Obama has a Chicapedia entry. Complete with a sexy quote (if you're Bill Maher, that is), "I have never really been proud of my country," and a pear-shaped set of measurements 36-33-44. This is what people mean when they call the internet a cesspool.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Bringing America Together Through Better Vetting

The Obama administration has had a lot of problems with appointees to key administration positions. Many of these problems could have been avoided with proper vetting. As I have been involved in the successful vetting of new contributors to this blog, I have decided, in the spirit of bi-partisanship (I am one of those rare conservatives who does not want to see America fail), to offer the Obama administration my vetting expertise.

I have prepared a questionnaire with 25 essential questions for new appointees:

1) I owe $__________________ in back-taxes.

2) My Countrywide mortgage is ______ points below prime.

3) I own ____ sets of Obama commemorative plates.

4) The character from “The West Wing” I am most like is __________________.

5) I am a lobbyist, but not one of the evil ones.

6) Who leads the Republican Party?
A) Rush Limbaugh
B) Dick Cheney
C) Richard Nixon
D) Karl Rove
E) Satan (i.e. all of the above)

7) If I were a tree, I would be a ___________.

8) You are tasked with the seating arrangements for a state dinner. Which of the following pairs would you seat on either side of the Dalai Lama?
A) Stephen Spielberg and Bernie Madoff
B) Mao Zedong and Sean Penn
C) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez
D) Richard Gere and Carl Spackler

9) Translate the following phrase into Russian: “I am so sorry that America was lead by an incompetent cowboy for the last eight years. Now you will get the change you deserve!”

10) I have never seen a tax proposal I didn’t like.

11) My Spouse is a lobbyist, but not one of the evil ones.

12) _____ of my kids are lobbyists, but not evil ones.

13) When the stock market goes down, who deserves the blame?
A) George W. Bush
B) Jim Cramer
C) Adam Smith
D) Herbert Hoover
E) The Rich

14) When the stock market goes up, who deserves the credit?
A) Barack Obama and Timothy Geithner
B) Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi
C) Barack Obama and Harry Reid
D) Barack Obama and investors who have finally realized that socialism is good for business

15) The reason I didn’t pay all of my taxes is:
A) Taxes are only for rich people
B) My accountant is a Republican
C) Turbo tax didn’t have a line for income from white slavery
D) I didn’t realize income from helping Nigerian officials get money out of the country was taxable

16) My favorite Beatle is:
A) John
B) Paul
C) George
D) Ringo

17) I have space for _____ Gitmo detainees in my guest house.

18) George W. Bush was duped into the Iraq war by the Jews.

19) Earmarks are:
A) Evil
B) Corrupt
C) A waste of the taxpayer’s money
D) A good way to win support for important legislation
E) All of the above

20) Which amount of taxpayer money is the least amount you would consider a lot of money?
A) 500 billion dollars
B) A trillion dollars
C) 10 trillion dollars
D) Who cares, I don’t pay taxes, anyway

21) Is there a grand jury investigating you?

22) Which of the following apply to your domestic staff (circle all that apply):

23) Name three world leaders (not counting Barack Obama):

24) Pork is:
A) High in cholesterol
B) Forbidden by the Koran
C) A libelous term for legitimate spending

25) Please list all of the countries for which you are a paid lobbyist (attach additional sheets if necessary).

26) Look out your window. Do you see FBI agents?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Because Taylor Hicks is Doing So Well

What the EFF is going on with American Idol?? You know what? It's one thing to expect me to keep my sniggers to a minimum while the blind guy dances and quite another to expect me to put up with this bogus new voting rule. The judges can override the will of the people? IS NOTHING SACRED?

I don't give a slap to Kelly Clarkson's amazingly porky ass if the judges don't care for the outcome of the vote. You don't get to just ignore the results because you don't like them, Cowell. If it means that much to people that the oil-rig roughneck sticks around for another week, then they can stay up all night and vote, they don't need you to step up and decide who wins. Unlimited voting has been the rule since day one. What the h-e-double toothpicks is my motivation to do so now, if I can be vetoed by the likes of Paula Abdul? They invoked the early oustings of Chris Daughtry and Tamyra Gray for their decision.

A) Chris Daughtry not winning did not hurt him one iota. In fact, he was able to release his album faster and with more creative freedom than if he had won. Taylor Hicks is now a phone-sex operator in Orlando. 

B) The world is hardly a worse place for the dirth of Tamyra Gray albums. Ms. gray no doubt disagrees; she is wrong. 

Speaking of Kelly Clarkson, it was fun to see her tonight, reclaiming her crown as America's top-pop princess. Thank God for my wide-screen TV; her new single is called My Life Would Suck Without Food. Sorry? My Life Would Suck Without You? Whoops. Well, I can only assume she's singing to Colonel Sanders. 

And speaking of the blind guy, Jayyyyyysus Mary and all the saints. Seriously, could someone please put some sunglasses on the poor guy, maybe give him a haircut? And stop making him participate in the group dances like all is well in handicapped-sticker land. It's not, he's blind. That stinks and he's brave and blahbitty blah, but blind people should not be forced to dance on television. It saddens me to even say that; I  would've thought it was a given.

It certainly is the most p.c. lineup ever this year, iddinit? The judges all but admitted they "cast" the show this time, and it shows: we've got Blind Guy, Indian, Blue-Collar Guy, two hispanics, Screaming Queen, Single Mom, Hardscrabble Black Lady, Milquetoast Guitar Guy and Guy with a Dead Wife. Along with no reason to vote, there is absolutely no reason to learn anyone's names this year, on We'll Decide For You Idol. 

I still love it, though, maybe that's why I'm so upset. I actually think this is a great group and I'm pulling (ha!) for a Screaming-Queen/ Dead-Wife Guy finale. Not that I have anything to say about it. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Nobody's Winning At This Kind Of Game

Here's a separated at birth to celebrate the return of a local leftie hero:

70's bomb-maker Kathleen Soliah (aka Sarah Jane Olson)

and 70's hit-maker Edgar Winter

I Want My Baby Back Baby Back Baby Back Baby Back

I'll show you love like you've never seen --Winger

In troubled times such as these, we sometimes need to seek out inspiring people to maintain our faith in humanity. Reading about that adventurer who conquered inestimable odds, or the poor child who bootstrapped his way to riches can lift our spirits even in the most dismal times. Today, I found one such story. It is a story about love, borne of - and surviving through - tragedy. It just could be one of the sweetest romantic tales I have ever experienced.

Our story begins with a missing 5-year old child:

The 5-year-old Satsuma girl [Haleigh Cummings] was last seen on the night of Feb. 9 when Misty Croslin, her father's now-fiancée, put the child to bed.

A month later, there has still been no sign of Haleigh even though investigators said they have checked out hundreds of leads and tips

As a father, I can testify that there can be no greater heartbreak than having a child go missing. And it's been over a month since the little girl disappeared. The father's grief must be crippling.

But wait: a shining light of hope appears for the couple in these dark, dark times:

On Monday, WJXT-TV talked with Croslin about her and Ronald Cummings' plans to marry. The 17-year-old hasn't smiled much since Haleigh's been gone, but she was beaming as she went into the courthouse to get a marriage license with Haleigh's dad.

Love will indeed conquer all! Even if your child was probably kidnapped, raped and murdered, and the Bride-to-be is just one year removed from qualifying you for a statutory rape charge!

This next part is, quite possibly, the most romantic thing I have ever read:

Croslin smiled as she showed her engagement ring and talked about Cummings' surprise proposal.

"Last night at Chili's he got he down his knees and said, 'Will you marry me?'" Croslin said

Oh, what a scene that must have been. Him, down on bended knee, proposing. Her, trying desperately to enunciate the word "yes" through a mouthful of partially chewed boneless buffalo wings!

Excuse me a moment. I am overcome with joy and emotion. I think I have something in my eye. Talk amongst yourselves while I compose myself.



You had me at the Triple Dipper. You. Had. Me. At. Triple. Dipper.

Bonus for the happy couple: They won't need to get a babysitter for their wedding. The bride can presumably attend with a chaperone.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Top 11 Reasons LearnedFoot Joined the Nihilist in Golf Pants

11. Nihilist wanted to pad traffic stats with all the google searches for "MILF".

10. Three words: backdated stock options.

9. LearnedFoot looking for some love from the City Pages.

8. Wanted to join a blog where two posts per week is considered prolific.

7. NIGP needs a cracker jack cartoonist if it wants to continue to compete with Dump Bachmann.

6. LearnedFoot tired of getting cease and desist letters from Kraft Foods.

5. Making Top 11 lists is even easier than poop jokes.

4. LearnedFoot figured this is the only way he could get mentioned in the Blog House.

3. Sisyphus needed to dedicate more of his blogging time to his career since his Halliburton stock tanked.

2. NIGP needed in-house counsel to defend Sisyphus from Mary Katherine Ham's restraining orders.

1. The Nihilist wanted to bring Sisyphus' best material back in-house.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Saving 500 Million Unpaid Blogging Jobs

It turns out that the State Department isn't the only federal organization that gets a couple letters wrong. It turns out the $700+ billion TARP bill has a typo too. It sits amidst the hundreds of pages detailing, among other measures designed to save our financial system, funding for banks to acquire their competition. Deep in the document, instead of the word 'banks,' someone incorrectly used the word 'blogs.'

Since this actually opens up funding for blogs that go on a taxpayer funded acquisition spree, we at NIGP will be introducing our latest acquisition early this week. Stay tuned!

Friday, March 06, 2009

Top 11 Obama Gifts to Foreign Dignitaries

11. Prime Minister of Iceland: Ice cube trays

10. Prime Minister of Germany: Season one of “Hogan’s Heroes” on DVD

9. The Pope: Led Zeppelin CD “Houses of the Holy”

8. President of Turkey: grocery bag full of all the Thanksgiving fixins

7. Prime Minister of Italy: DVD of “Godfather III”

6. President of Egypt: from iTunes, “Walk Like an Egyptian” by the Bangles and “King Tut” by Steve Martin

5. Prime Minister of Japan: set of Ginsu knives

4. Dictator of Uganda: Architectural Digest Presents Uganda's Top Mud Homes

3. Prime Minister of Australia: DVD of the movie “Australia”

2. Prime Minister of Iran: DVD of Season One of Paris Hilton's BFF

1. President of Mexico: A Taco Bell gift certificate

Thursday, March 05, 2009

So, You’d Like to be Our Latex Salesman

The Obama recession has even hit the local unpaid blogosphere. This means that successful, award winning blogs, such as this one, are inundated with employment applications. To help separate the wheat from the chaff, we’ve come up with a simple true or false quiz to help us determine which applicants are Nihilist in Golf Pants material.

Today we received an especially impressive application from a blogger I will call, Educated Appendage:

Nihilist in Golf Pants Aptitude Test

Tom Cruise is gay: T

The Killer Swamp Rabbit that attacked Jimmy Carter acted alone: T (Although Dick Cheney may have been involved. At least I hope he was.)

Charlie Weis should be fired, NOW:

Ronnie James Dio sucks: F

A nickel is a lot of money, really:
T (Depending on how far backdated your stock options are.)

I will give the Nihilist free legal advice, regarding Nick Coleman, upon request: T (Already have.)

Producers of kid shows are all commies:
T (I will also add that I hate those fuckers.)

I will carry the Nihilist to victory in the MiLF: T

If I am ever invited to an event that is also attended by Mary Katharine Ham, I will invite Sisyphus to come along: T

The NARN’s Santa Claus interview is their best bit ever: F (My weather alert was the best ever. Santa was a close second)

I have won a Pulitzer Prize: F

Garrison Keillor is funny:

Any band with a stand-up bass is awesome: F (Thomson Twins had a stand up bass.)

I am happy to wash the Nihilist’s car for him: F

I have voted in favor of a school levy in Plymouth: F (Voted against 3 in AV too!)

The Hawaiian shirt is the height of fashion:

Parking tickets are fascist:

Well done. Now we just need to check his reference, Art Vandalay.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

TV Party Tonight

Children's television generally sucks. For every clever show like "SpongeBob Squarepants" that works on both a child as well as adult level, there are dozens of politically correct and/or inane pieces of dreck like "Dragon Tales". Here are the top 11 episodes of kids shows that I'd like to see:

11. "Handy Mandy" is caught in a raid and deported by the ICE

10. Elmo from "Sesame Street" enters a drug treatment program

9. "Barney" the dinosaur wanders into the La Brea tar pits

8. "Caillou" is put in an orphanage when his parents finally get sick of his whining

7. "Bob the Builder" lobbies congress for a billion dollar grant for his 'shovel ready projects'

6. "The Teletubbies" organize a protest of California's 'proposition hate'

5. The hostess of "The Good Nigth Show" explains that girls can still be virgins, despite engaging in anal sex*

4. We learn the reason "The Backyardigans" have such elaborate fantasies, as Uniqua's mom is arrested for spiking their milk and cookies with PCP

3. "The Wonder Pets" attempt to save Linny the Gerbil from a fate worse than death; Richard Gere makes a guest appearance

2. "Curious George" rips the face off the Italian restaurant owner before being gunned down by cops

1. "Dora the Explorer" is kidnapped by FARC terrorists; children are encouraged to send in money for her ransom

* This actually happened