Wednesday, March 18, 2009

What Would Kelly Clarkson Eat? (WWKKE?)

Poor Randy Travis.

Oh fer...really? Another post about American Idol? 


Cue sound of Tim O'Brien's eyes rolling back in his head. 

"Damnit! Alls I want is another pithy top 11 list! I don't want to read this rambling garbage! WHY IS  THIS JOB SO HARD?!"

Jes' doin' what I'm told. Writin' about what moves me. And what moves me today is the fact that Randy Travis looks like a human Pez dispenser. I'd put up a picture but I don't know how. If you didn't see it, just use your imagination. Guy looks like he died of AIDS two months ago. Seriously.  He looked like a giant set of novelty-shop clackity-clack teeth wearing a wig.

I love Randy Travis. He's one of the reasons I started listening to country music, lo these many years ago. I'm not sure that made any sense, I didn't sleep very well. I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of my face puffing up from the 47 pounds of corned-beef I inhaled while I worried about Randy Travis. I went into the bathroom and was greeted by the Down Syndrome version of myself in the mirror. I stole that line from a friend of mine. 

But it's hard to go  back to sleep after witnessing something as disturbing as my face on corned beef. The good news is, I'm wearing sunglasses all day today, even inside. Yup, I'm one of those people. Wearing sunglasses indoors is one of those things everyone likes to rip on but everyone secretly knows is cool. Like smoking.

Anyway, besides looking like he was wearing a Patrick Swayze costume, Randy Travis proved to be a highly entertaining guest-established-music-industry-personality. All the guests usually do is say something generic and nice about the contestants  before going out and plugging their latest CD. Not Randy. Of Scott MacEntire (aka The Blind Guy...I did actually learn everyone's name) he haltingly said "It was...not good." 

And it wasn't. He's terrible. Can we stop pandering now and send him home, please?? He WILL cut a best-selling inspirational- rock CD, he WILL marry a supermodel before the year is out, he WILL be on the next season of Dancing With the Stars. His future success is not a prediction, it is an a priory truth. With that in mind, can I please not have to listen to him anymore? THANK YOU.

Better yet was watching a manly southern-gentleman try and make heads or tails of glam-rocking-polarizer Adam Lambert.

Randy Travis, with equal parts nervousness and perplexity: "Weh--heh heh, I don' know about fellas who whearn fingernail polish, heh, and desecratin' an iconical song like the great Johnny Cash's Ring of Fahr, heh heh, well, wheren I come from you'd get your porch egged for that kind of disrespect. He seems like a nice fellah, though."

That's not actually what he said, but that's what he said.  

And what a creeptastic performance Adam's was. The boy's got talent, it can't be denied, but he gave the entire country a collective case of the willies. I loved it. I hated it. I lated it. 

Contestant's performances measured on my Kelly Clarkson Fatmeter:

Michael Sarver: Bleh. Not really worth the calories, but what the hell.  One donut, no sprinkles.

Alison Iraheta: Hmmm...I like this little girl. Reliable, spicy, fresh. Two scoops of Kung Pow Chicken.

Kris Allen: Fine. Boring. I guess, if there's nothing else around...Two slices white toast with decaf tea.

Lil Rounds: Overrated. What am I missing that everyone else sees? One order of cedar plank salmon...from the Byerly's deli case.

Adam Lambert: YOWZA! I want to binge on it and then make myself throw up for two days. A sickening mixture of awesome and icky! Three Patron silver margaritas with a dead mouse chaser.

Scott MacEntire: A bag of marshmallows. Nauseating.

Alexis Grace: Huh. I used to like her, now I'm not so sure. Trying to be a powerhouse but falling short. A t-bone steak boiled in a pot of dishwater. Yeah, that sounds unappetizing, but Kelly would eat it anyway.

Meghan Corkery: Gawd. She is absolutely stunning, and that slutty dress she wore last night ensured she'll stay in another week. Her voice is kind of cool, but her presentation...what the hell is with all the wiggling, and why would a girl that pretty cover herself with tattoos?  I don't know. I give her, um, two bomb-pops. 

Anoop: I think Anoop is charming and  awful. Completely out of his depth. He reminds me of a guy with a mic at a kegger. You'd think he was great there, but in the real world? Not so much. I give him a peanut butter sandwich and a stale beer Kelly found in her glove compartment when she drove her car into a snowbank.

Matt Girard: I dig him. He's good, and it's just his bad luck to be in a season along with Adam and Danny. He'll duke it out for third. Solid. Barbequed ribs.

And last but not least, Danny Gokey. He killed it.  A ribeye from Manny's, chocolate mouse from Lurcat,  seven helpings of homemade mac-n-cheese and a gin and tonic at the 19th hole.

Hey! That's 11.


Anonymous MLP said...

I laughed out loud all the way through this! What the hell was Adam trying to do? He'd get run out of Nashville on a rail. I would like a list of the top 11 things people like to rip on but secretly know is cool. I'll start.
1. Barry Manilow.


11:25 AM  
Blogger Sisyphus said...

2. People who live in Edina
3. Tom Cruise (the Nihilist in Golf Pants only)
4. Engineers

11:58 AM  
Blogger John F Not Kerry said...

"chocolate mouse from Lurcat"

Mice taste better with peanut butter. Don't ask how I know.

6:52 AM  

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