Thursday, March 12, 2009

Bringing America Together Through Better Vetting

The Obama administration has had a lot of problems with appointees to key administration positions. Many of these problems could have been avoided with proper vetting. As I have been involved in the successful vetting of new contributors to this blog, I have decided, in the spirit of bi-partisanship (I am one of those rare conservatives who does not want to see America fail), to offer the Obama administration my vetting expertise.

I have prepared a questionnaire with 25 essential questions for new appointees:

1) I owe $__________________ in back-taxes.

2) My Countrywide mortgage is ______ points below prime.

3) I own ____ sets of Obama commemorative plates.

4) The character from “The West Wing” I am most like is __________________.

5) I am a lobbyist, but not one of the evil ones.
TRUE
FALSE

6) Who leads the Republican Party?
A) Rush Limbaugh
B) Dick Cheney
C) Richard Nixon
D) Karl Rove
E) Satan (i.e. all of the above)

7) If I were a tree, I would be a ___________.

8) You are tasked with the seating arrangements for a state dinner. Which of the following pairs would you seat on either side of the Dalai Lama?
A) Stephen Spielberg and Bernie Madoff
B) Mao Zedong and Sean Penn
C) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hugo Chavez
D) Richard Gere and Carl Spackler

9) Translate the following phrase into Russian: “I am so sorry that America was lead by an incompetent cowboy for the last eight years. Now you will get the change you deserve!”

10) I have never seen a tax proposal I didn’t like.
TRUE
TRUE UNTIL I SAW THIS

11) My Spouse is a lobbyist, but not one of the evil ones.
TRUE
FALSE

12) _____ of my kids are lobbyists, but not evil ones.
TRUE
FALSE

13) When the stock market goes down, who deserves the blame?
A) George W. Bush
B) Jim Cramer
C) Adam Smith
D) Herbert Hoover
E) The Rich

14) When the stock market goes up, who deserves the credit?
A) Barack Obama and Timothy Geithner
B) Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi
C) Barack Obama and Harry Reid
D) Barack Obama and investors who have finally realized that socialism is good for business

15) The reason I didn’t pay all of my taxes is:
A) Taxes are only for rich people
B) My accountant is a Republican
C) Turbo tax didn’t have a line for income from white slavery
D) I didn’t realize income from helping Nigerian officials get money out of the country was taxable

16) My favorite Beatle is:
A) John
B) Paul
C) George
D) Ringo

17) I have space for _____ Gitmo detainees in my guest house.

18) George W. Bush was duped into the Iraq war by the Jews.
TRUE
FALSE
TRUE, BUT THERE IS NO PUBLIC RECORD OF ME SAYING SO

19) Earmarks are:
A) Evil
B) Corrupt
C) A waste of the taxpayer’s money
D) A good way to win support for important legislation
E) All of the above

20) Which amount of taxpayer money is the least amount you would consider a lot of money?
A) 500 billion dollars
B) A trillion dollars
C) 10 trillion dollars
D) Who cares, I don’t pay taxes, anyway

21) Is there a grand jury investigating you?
YES
NOT YET

22) Which of the following apply to your domestic staff (circle all that apply):
UNDOCUMENTED
MAKING SUB-MINIMUM WAGE
NO PAYROLL TAXES
NO WORKERS COMP INSURANCE
SUING FOR SEXUAL HARASSMMENT

23) Name three world leaders (not counting Barack Obama):
_________________
_________________
_________________

24) Pork is:
A) High in cholesterol
B) Forbidden by the Koran
C) A libelous term for legitimate spending

25) Please list all of the countries for which you are a paid lobbyist (attach additional sheets if necessary).

UDPATE:
26) Look out your window. Do you see FBI agents?
YES
NO

6 Comments:

Blogger wintryminx said...

It makes me apoplectic when someone says George was their favorite Beatle.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Nihilist in Golf Pants said...

George had an elegant guitar style. By the late years he had developed into a truly masterful song writer: Something, Old Brown Shoe, While My Guitar Gently Weeps, Here Comes The Sun, not to mention Cream's hit Badge.

Sure, he wasn't the genius of Lennon or McCartney, but he was pretty great in his own way.

11:19 AM  
Blogger wintryminx said...

True that. I'm talking about people who INSIST he was the heart and soul of the group. You know who I'm talking about; same types who claim they like Thanksgiving more than Christmas. YOU DO NOT.

Those people are just trying to give me a headache.

1:49 PM  
Blogger Sisyphus said...

It is ridiculous to say that George is your favorite Beatle. Even more so than saying Ringo, because in that case you are clearly just being a smart-ass.

1:56 PM  
Blogger John F Not Kerry said...

I stopped reading after number 11. This blog is getting out of hand.

7:19 PM  
Blogger John F Not Kerry said...

27. How much cash do you keep in your freezer?

28. Have you ever seen a grown man naked?

6:35 PM  

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