Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Top 11 Changes In Store For the StarTribune Now That It Has Been Sold To A Private Equity Group

11. Doug Grow, Nick Coleman, and Katherine Kerston's metro section columns will be outsourced to low-cost metro section columnists in India

10. Jim Boyd will no longer have the power to reject business from advertisers who don't sufficiently endorse his politics

9. Avista Capital Partners will save $100,000 annually by banning Patrick Reusse from the all-you-can-eat days at the company cafeteria

8. In order to create synergies, Steve Berg will only plagiarize from other publications owned by Avista Capital Partners

7. Dilbert will be removed from the comics page on the grounds that it is "hate speech"

6. Craig Westover will be offered $76 per column to lure him from the Pioneer Press

5. Sid Hartman's contract will be re-written to save money by paying him per coherent sentence

4. Kate Parry will be replaced by a monkey trained to type, "No bias here"

3. Nick Coleman will no longer be offered his annual paid paternity leave

2. In a break from past policy, the paper will refrain from gratuitously insulting its readers

1. The gold shrine to Karl Marx in the atrium of the main building will be sold in order to provide needed cash flow


Anonymous john f not kerry said...

People will buy the Star Tribune for more than the comics and sports.

5:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your list is as lame and souless as the Strib.

9:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nihilist - Your lists are always funny - this one is one of your best. Kate Parry, trained monkey, no bias here.... har har

10:40 PM  

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