Top 11 Things Overheard During Hugo Chavez’s Deathbed Visit With Fidel Castro

11. “I don’t know what Mike Wallace was thinking. We’re both hotter than Mahmoud Ahmadinejab.”

10. “What’s your secret? My mouth always dries up five or six hours into a speech.”

9. “I agree completely. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage is a total sham.”

8. “Whatever you do, don’t go fishing in a swamp with Jimmy Carter.”

7. “My biggest regret is that I will never live to see how they resolve ‘Lost’.”

6. “Just between you and me, I realized that communism was bullshit years ago, but I figured it would be too embarrassing to change.”

5. “I may as well admit it now – I hired the C.I.A. to assassinate JFK.”

4. “Here’s how I do it: I announce that due to doctor’s orders we will be dining on only healthy, low fat, food. You’ll be amazed how fast that gets Michael Moore out of the place.”

3. “You are insane! Sluttier sure, but there’s no way Paris Hilton is hotter than Natalie Portman!”

2. “No matter how many dissidents I execute, it never got old for me.”

1. “Who are you leaving your cool camouflage hat too?”