Sunday, February 27, 2005

Vote For Me

While the 6th Congressional District is an important race coming up, there is likely to be a far more significant election in the near future. Despite the fact that I likely won't receive any votes at all, I am planning on officially throwing my hat in the ring when a new Pope is elected.

I realize that some might consider it bad form to campaign to replace John Paul II while he is still living, but anything can happen, and I want to get a leg up on Cardinal Ratzinger. Therefore, I am releasing the planks of my platform for Pope, otherwise known as the Nihilist in Golf Pants' Top Eleven Actions to take as New Pope.

11. Intinction mandated as method for receiving communion for those who receive both body and blood. Receiving the sacred blood of Christ should never include getting the backwash of other believers.
10. Priests who molest kids excommunicated, turned in to authorities and condemned to hell.
9. Kids will no longer be invited to "gather 'round" the priest for the homily. They are perfectly capable of listening while sitting with their parents.
8. Baptisms and second collections in mass restricted to once per month. Notice shall be given in the parish bulletin of either.
7. Announcements are not part of the celebration of mass. If you want to make them, make them ten minutes before mass starts, don't make everyone sit through them. The congregation should be reading the parish bulletin anyway.
6. Only priests or deacons may give homilies. No homeless advocates, youth counselors, or representatives of other charities. If their message is that important, they can tell the priest and he can convey it.
5. Priests should make the announcement that people who cough or sneeze during mass are excused from the sign of peace. There's nothing worse than sitting next to someone hacking and snotting all over who then wants to touch your hand.
4. The church shall declare that any war which results in the United States overthrowing a ruthless dictator or Islamic theocracy and replacing it with a democratically elected one automatically qualifies as "just."
3. Choir directors shall keep songs to two verses or less, unless there is the need to fill time where something silent is happening (like when parishioners are receiving communion).
2. Only traditional Catholic songs shall be sung at mass. We are Catholics, not Baptists and especially not crystal worshipping hippies. Patriotic anthems like the Battle Hymn of the Republic or America the Beautiful are encouraged on appropriate holidays.
1. Mass is a solemn occasion, not a concert or sporting event. Therefore, applause will not be tolerated. Violations will receive an extra year in purgatory for all participants.


Blogger Sisyphus said...

Amen, if I were I Cardinal, you'd get my vote.

3:10 PM  
Blogger LearnedFoot said...

I think there needs to be a Vatican 3.

I had the misfortune of having to attend St. John Neumann in Eagan. From the outset it was obvious that the choir executed a hostile takeover of the chuch. Mass was really nothing more than a glorified Christian Rock concert. I'm sorry, but six-piece drum sets should NOT be allowed in a church.

Fortunately we moved and are now attending a real Catholic church. I am tired of seeing Catholic churches being turned into revivalist Baptist tents.

Only a Domer (or someone raised outside of Minnesota) would know what "intinction" is.

Your Brother in Christ,

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll add another position for your platform: You can't be both Catholic and pro-choice.

Sorry, it's just the way it is. Priests need to bring this up early and often and let those that disagree go somewhere else to one of the poseur religions that would accept such nonsense.

The unborn are a lot more important than upsetting some libs in the parish.

11:59 AM  
Anonymous inlovewithLotte said...

My addition would be one I read recently in Latin Mass or The New Oxford Review - No songs less than fifty years old!

4:26 PM  
Blogger Mama Kitty said...

I agree and you would get my vote! And you would like our Priest.
11.We receive the body of Christ. No blood of Christ is offered as it is assumed by the Church that Christ is present fully in either form.
10. A no-brainer.
9. My kids sat with me and there they stayed.
8. At our Church Baptisms are after Mass or at a different time.
7. Father agrees that we can all read the bulletin so he doesn't, although occasionally if he's forgotten something he'll mention it at the end of Mass.
6. If I'm not mistaken, isn't that the rule, from Vatican II, that only Priests or Deacons are allowed to give the homily.
5. Father reminds us before the sign of peace that it is flu/cold season so don't feel obligated to shake hands or kiss and hug. Or hold hands during the Our Father
4. Again, a given.
3. Father starts our songs and only knows a few and they're all old ones that everyone knows. And we pray during Communion because we don't have a choir.
2. Same thing, Songs are sung that are appropriate for the season and they are ones that most everyone knows (old songs) and as Father is a retired Military Chaplain, Patriotic songs are part and parcel.
1. I agree fully, God is not in the Entertainment business.
I am hopeful that when the time comes, the Conclave will let the Holy Spirit guide them in choosing the Holy Father. I think they did last time and it's worked out pretty well. K.

7:24 PM  
Anonymous Hippster said...

Nice platform, Nihilist.

I'd probably ban all children younger than five from mass, but I suppose that could might upset some people.

I'd also chuck the responsorial psalm. That thing has got to go.

11:43 PM  
Blogger Skalpyl said...

Heck, bishops and priests used to be elected by the community of the faithful, not by politically incestuous appointment by the guy who's elected by the people appointed by the last guy. So you definitely qualify in my book.

I hope it ain't stirring the hornet's nest to much to stray outside the humorous vein in which this is offered, but it'd be swell if as the Pope, you could re-do some of the spirit, intent, and progress of Vatican II that have been lost over, say, the last 25 years.

10:29 AM  
Blogger Dangerous amateur said...

Here's my advice: go to Holy Family in St. Louis Park.

Another requirement: anyone who claims that some liturgical innovation (read: abuse)is part and parcel of the "Spirit of Vatican ll" will be required to actually READ the documents of Vatican ll and write a 500-page report on "Why I Should Stick to What The Church Actually Says Instead of Inserting My Own Ego Into the Mass'. Also, a shorter essay, "What The Hell is This So-Called Spirit of Vatican ll?" may be assigned if deemed necessary. We are not Protestants who go to Mass; we are Catholics and our worship is centered on the Eucharist. We are supposed to be focused on what is above, not on who is next to me in the pew. Oh, and the phrase, "community building" is to be banned from all discourse.

4:10 PM  

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