The Top 11 Features of the New Attack Submarine, the USS Jimmy Carter

The US Navy has announced that it is naming its latest nuclear attack submarine after former President Jimmy Carter. Of course, this required the Navy to add eleven special features to the sub:

11. State of the art acoustics to absorb the sound from stepping on peanut shells.
10. Anti-rabbit torpedoes
9. Absolutely no pin-ups of Amy Carter will be tolerated.
8. For the purpose of hitting on chicks, officers and sailors will be allowed to say they serve on the USS Ronald Reagan.
7. The head will be renamed the Mondale.
6. It will be the only American sub allowed in French waters.
5. As a tribute to President Carter’s time as Commander in Chief, no money will be spent on maintaining the sub.
4. Each sailor’s daily rations will include a six pack of Billy Beer.
3. Per President Carter’s request, pictures of George W. Bush will be replaced with pictures of a legitimately elected president, Hugo Chavez.
2. The nuclear reactor will eventually be replaced with solar panels.
1. A seat on the bridge will be reserved for Michael Moore.