Thursday, December 23, 2004

Top 11* Things Nick Coleman Knows

*One better than a Top 10 list

I’m much more sympathetic towards Nick Coleman than most right-wing hatchet bloggers. After all, Nick and I have quite a bit in common – both of us are wealthy, come from politically powerful families, and prefer women who are much younger than ourselves.

Many bloggers gave Nick a lot of static for this quote: “I have been a reporter longer than most bloggers have been alive, which makes me, at 54, ready for the ash heap. But here's what really makes bloggers mad: I know stuff.” (September 29 column)

I went back through my Nick Coleman archive and found that Nick does indeed know stuff. These are just the top eleven:

11. Nick knows where to find homeless interview subjects. (demonstrated in his March 5, October 13, November 3 and November 25 columns)

10. Nick knows the inner thoughts of deceased Republican Governors. (They don’t care much for the current Republican Governor) (November 17)

9. Nick knows where to find the most politically astute barbers. (July 18, September 24, and October 29)

8. Nick knows how to coin clever “Nick”-names:
“Captain Fishsticks” for Craig Westover (December 19)
“Big Tim Indian Fighter” for Tim Pawlenty (October 31)
“Tax Evaders League” for the Tax Payers League of Minnesota (October 31 and December 5)
“right-wing hatchet bloggers” for conservative bloggers (October 24)
“New York Multimillionaires” for the New York Yankees (October 10)
“Captain Weird Beard” for former Governor Jesse Ventura (August 29)
“Minneapolis Bod Squad” for the Minneapolis Police (August 25)
“Sin City” for Minneapolis (May 20)
“House of Prayer” for the MN State Capitol (May 16)
“Cannonball” and “Loose Cannon” for MN State Rep. Marty Seifert (April 9)
“wide-eyed lefse eaters” for Minnesotans in New Orleans (April 5)
“One-Minute Wilkin” for MN State Rep. Tim Wilkin (March 28)
“Pawlenticus” for Tim Pawlenty (March 21)

7. Nick knows where to skinny-dip in Minneapolis (Hidden Beach on Cedar Lake) (August 25)

6. Nick knows New Orleans (“New Orleans is a city where people wake up without their wallets and without being able to remember what they did last night”, “…through the swaying crowds outside the fleshpots, strip clubs, gin joints and other temptations”, “In New Orleans, everyone bends the rules.”) (March 5)

5. And St. Louis (“fashion capital”, “where bales of muskrat pelts still sit on the docks”) (June 11)

4. Nick even knows the difference between Minneapolis and St. Paul. (“I am one of the few people around who can correctly explain the difference between the two cities: Minneapolis is where you go to have fun. St. Paul is where you go when you're worn out and need to lie down.”) (May 23)

3. Nick knows how Donald Rumsfeld could be tortured. (“We will strip off your clothes, put you in a pile of naked prisoners, molest your genitals and have pictures of happy Muslim women holding you on a leash be printed around the world.”) (May 12)

2. Nick knows local adult entertainment establishments (May 23 and December 03)

1. And, of course, Nick knows the difference between text books and reading books. (December 19)


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