Wednesday, April 20, 2005

How Others May Have Handled the Killer Rabbit Attack

[Editors Note: April 20 is the 26th anniversary of the Killer Rabbit attack on Jimmy Carter]

Gerald Ford Would have beaned the rabbit with an errant tee shot.
Robert Byrd Would have burnt a cross in the rabbit’s front yard.
Gandhi Would have staged a non-violent sit-in on the boat until the rabbit left peacefully.
Ronald Reagan Would have given the rabbit some jelly beans, told it a couple of jokes, and the rabbit would have ended up working on his campaign.
Dan Rather Would have gotten revenge by forging documents showing that the rabbit used its influence to get its son into the Air National Guard.
John Kerry “While fishing near the Cambodian border, I was attacked by Pol Pot disguised as a rabbit. I whacked him with my fishing pole and just as I was about to capture him, Nixon called me on my cell phone and ordered me to release Pot and run a C.I.A. agent into Cambodia.”
Bill Clinton Would have offered the rabbit a cigar.
Saddam Hussein Would have killed the rabbit and hunted down its entire family.
Jacques Chirac Would have sneered condescendingly at the rabbit before surrendering to it.
St. Kate That rabbit’s head would be hanging from a stick in her yard. (Remember, St. Kate is only non-evil to humans.)
Dementee Would have eaten the rabbit raw.
Kevin Ecker Would have brought the rabbit home for a play date with his puppy.
Learned Foot A mushroom cloud would have appeared over the swamp.
Nick Coleman Would have hit the rabbit with his hockey stick and then ordered Cubby to follow it around to various hotel banquets and Irish pubs.
Andrew Sullivan Would have first discerned the rabbit’s position on gay marriage. If the rabbit were anti-gay marriage, he would rip it on his blog. Otherwise he would ignore it.
Captain Fishsticks Would ask himself: “What would Ayn Rand do?”
SisyphusCertainly wouldn’t have told his big-mouthed press secretary about the incident.

3 Comments:

Blogger Chad The Elder said...

Killer stuff Sis. Seriously, between this and the other rabbit posts, I think today is the high water mark for NIGP.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Dementee said...

I am honored to have been included in your post.

1:55 PM  
Blogger Craig Westover said...

Actually, if you look closely at the picure on my blog, I am wearing the rabbit as a hat.

Captain Fishsticks

12:26 PM  

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