How Others May Have Handled the Killer Rabbit Attack

[Editors Note: April 20 is the 26th anniversary of the Killer Rabbit attack on Jimmy Carter]

Gerald Ford – Would have beaned the rabbit with an errant tee shot.
Robert Byrd – Would have burnt a cross in the rabbit’s front yard.
Gandhi – Would have staged a non-violent sit-in on the boat until the rabbit left peacefully.
Ronald Reagan – Would have given the rabbit some jelly beans, told it a couple of jokes, and the rabbit would have ended up working on his campaign.
Dan Rather – Would have gotten revenge by forging documents showing that the rabbit used its influence to get its son into the Air National Guard.
John Kerry – “While fishing near the Cambodian border, I was attacked by Pol Pot disguised as a rabbit. I whacked him with my fishing pole and just as I was about to capture him, Nixon called me on my cell phone and ordered me to release Pot and run a C.I.A. agent into Cambodia.”
Bill Clinton – Would have offered the rabbit a cigar.
Saddam Hussein – Would have killed the rabbit and hunted down its entire family.
Jacques Chirac – Would have sneered condescendingly at the rabbit before surrendering to it.
St. Kate – That rabbit’s head would be hanging from a stick in her yard. (Remember, St. Kate is only non-evil to humans.)
Dementee – Would have eaten the rabbit raw.
Kevin Ecker – Would have brought the rabbit home for a play date with his puppy.
Learned Foot – A mushroom cloud would have appeared over the swamp.
Nick Coleman – Would have hit the rabbit with his hockey stick and then ordered Cubby to follow it around to various hotel banquets and Irish pubs.
Andrew Sullivan – Would have first discerned the rabbit’s position on gay marriage. If the rabbit were anti-gay marriage, he would rip it on his blog. Otherwise he would ignore it.
Captain Fishsticks – Would ask himself: “What would Ayn Rand do?”
Sisyphus – Certainly wouldn’t have told his big-mouthed press secretary about the incident.