My Confirmation Hearing
I’ve often thought that I would enjoy being a Supreme Court Justice. After watching the John Roberts confirmation hearings I think I would also enjoy the confirmation process. If President Bush decides to nominate me for Sandra Day O’Connor’s seat, the confirmation hearings would go something like this:
SENATOR LEAHY:
You admit that you never went to law school and are not a member of the bar. Your ABA rating is: Never Heard of the Guy. What makes you qualified to sit on the highest court in the land.
SISYPHUS:
I can’t believe I have to defend my qualifications to the likes of you, Leahy. Sure, maybe I didn’t go to law school, but I did take the LSAT and scored very well. I don’t remember my exact score, but it was pretty good. And, I can name all of the dissenters in Roe vs. Wade. A lot of real lawyers can’t do that; I bet you can’t either, can you? Huh, can you? Didn't think so.
LEAHY:
How dare you not kiss my ass. Can you at least give me an idea on what your judicial philosophy will be?
SISYPHUS:
Sure, I will examine each case from the perspective of Halliburton. I will support whichever outcome I believe will most enhance the value of Halliburton’s stock.
LEAHY:
How dare you not kiss my ass. No more questions until you agree to kiss my ass.
SENATOR SPECTER:
Okay, let’s turn the questioning over to Senator Kennedy.
SENATOR KENNEDY:
ZZZZZzzzzz snnnnnnnnnoorkk guuuuurrrrrrrglle
SPECTER:
Ted, hey Ted, you’re up.
KENNEDY:
Snnorkkk, huh? Oh, right. Eh, good morning, er judge, or whatever you are. I would like to ask you about some of your writings.
On May 2, 2005 you had a post, the Top 11 Skanks of All Time. All of the chicks listed are hot little numbers and I’ve done a lot of them.
SISYPHUS:
That’s what makes them skanks. I hope they were at least sensible enough to avoid riding in a car with you.
KENNEDY:
What? What did you say?
SISYPHUS:
*cough* *Chappaquiddick* *cough*
KENNEDY:
I have no moral authority to ask anymore questions.
SPECTER:
Right, Senator Durbin.
SENATOR DURBIN:
I will put and end to this charade right here and now. Let’s cut right to the chase. How do you explain these documents? Staff, please show these two documents to the witness.
SISYPHUS:
This is my baptismal certificate and this is my confirmation certificate.
DURBIN:
So you admit it! What church were they issued by?
SISYPHUS:
St. Pius X church.
DURBIN:
And, what denomination is that church?
SISYPHUS:
Roman Catholic.
DURBIN:
Aha! Consider yourself Borked! No further questions, I rest my case!
SPECTER:
Uh, okay, next is Senator Biden.
SENATOR BIDEN:
Hey, is that Fred Thompson sitting behind you? He used to be here in the Senate but now he’s on TV, on that show CSP: New York. I think that’s great; some days I wish I could be on TV, ha, ha. I mean TV that people actually watch, ha, ha. Hey, Fred, could you get me the autograph of ADA Southerlyn? Hey, I have a great story idea for the show. It involves a distinguished Senator who has a hot romance with ADA Southerlyn, and then solves the crime. It would be one of the times where you get a conviction. Hey, I could be both the detective who solved the crime, and the Senator who argued the case and got the conviction. I’m sure you can work out all of the other details.
Hey, is that a Hawaiian shirt you’re wearing? I love Hawaii. Remember those old Elvis movies set in Hawaii, like Clambake? I’d like to meet Elvis sometime, because I have a great idea for a movie. He would play a crooning race car driver who happened to be a United States Senator. Anyway, back to Clambake, I think clams are very tasty, especially those clam tails. I’ve never been to a clam bake, but I bet it would be fun. Especially if Elvis was there, and that hot chick from the movie. You know, the one who played Coach’s wife on “Coach”. Can you believe she married that wimpy guy from MASH, you know, Hawkeye. Do you know Elvis?
SISYPHUS:
Could you repeat the question please, Senator?
BIDEN:
Sure, but if you want to be on the Supreme Court you should pay closer attention to what the Senators are saying. I’m a Senator, and have been for a long time, although a lot of people think I would make an even better President. One of the other branches of our government is the Supreme Court, and that’s an important branch. You want to be on the Supreme Court. Someone said you were from Minnesota. What’s wrong with those Vikings? I wouldn’t have traded Moss if I were the Vikings, they can’t score at all now. Of course, Moss only plays when he wants to play, but those 150 yard touchdown catches look pretty good now don’t they. Did you know that in Europe, they call soccer football? I think we should start calling football, soccer and soccer, football. Those Europeans are pretty sharp, I hope you listen to them when you are on the Supreme Court. In soccer they’re only allowed to use their feet, so it makes sense to call it football. (Why don’t they call it feetball? They can use both feet.) And it makes sense to call football, soccer because in football you hit people. You know, like you sock them. Now that Mia Hamm is one great role model for young women, she’s a feetballer. Too bad she married that hockey player. You know hockey, they have those strange rules like …
SPECTER:
Your time is up Senator Biden. Senator Schumer?
SENATOR SCHUMER:
So, are you a wise guy?
SISYPHUS:
Why yes I am, Senator.
SCHUMER:
Damn, you got us again. Since none of us have been able to lay a glove on you, what could we ask you about that would trip you up?
SISYPHUS:
Well, it was a long time ago, but you could ask me about the time I founded a branch of the KKK.
SCHUMER:
(Schumer does a touchdown-celebration dance)
I knew it! You’re a racist, anti-Semite! That’s it for you! All of you Republicans are racist klansmen! It doesn’t matter how long ago, you’re out of the mainstream! Out of the mainstream! Out of the mainstream! Now we can filibuster!
SISYPHUS:
Oh, I’m sorry, that wasn’t me who founded the KKK chapter, that was Senator Robert Byrd.
SCHUMER:
Uh, I’m sure that was a long time ago and he’s proven that he’s not a racist by being a Democrat.
SPECTER:
Well, I guess it’s time to vote.
SENATOR LEAHY:
You admit that you never went to law school and are not a member of the bar. Your ABA rating is: Never Heard of the Guy. What makes you qualified to sit on the highest court in the land.
SISYPHUS:
I can’t believe I have to defend my qualifications to the likes of you, Leahy. Sure, maybe I didn’t go to law school, but I did take the LSAT and scored very well. I don’t remember my exact score, but it was pretty good. And, I can name all of the dissenters in Roe vs. Wade. A lot of real lawyers can’t do that; I bet you can’t either, can you? Huh, can you? Didn't think so.
LEAHY:
How dare you not kiss my ass. Can you at least give me an idea on what your judicial philosophy will be?
SISYPHUS:
Sure, I will examine each case from the perspective of Halliburton. I will support whichever outcome I believe will most enhance the value of Halliburton’s stock.
LEAHY:
How dare you not kiss my ass. No more questions until you agree to kiss my ass.
SENATOR SPECTER:
Okay, let’s turn the questioning over to Senator Kennedy.
SENATOR KENNEDY:
ZZZZZzzzzz snnnnnnnnnoorkk guuuuurrrrrrrglle
SPECTER:
Ted, hey Ted, you’re up.
KENNEDY:
Snnorkkk, huh? Oh, right. Eh, good morning, er judge, or whatever you are. I would like to ask you about some of your writings.
On May 2, 2005 you had a post, the Top 11 Skanks of All Time. All of the chicks listed are hot little numbers and I’ve done a lot of them.
SISYPHUS:
That’s what makes them skanks. I hope they were at least sensible enough to avoid riding in a car with you.
KENNEDY:
What? What did you say?
SISYPHUS:
*cough* *Chappaquiddick* *cough*
KENNEDY:
I have no moral authority to ask anymore questions.
SPECTER:
Right, Senator Durbin.
SENATOR DURBIN:
I will put and end to this charade right here and now. Let’s cut right to the chase. How do you explain these documents? Staff, please show these two documents to the witness.
SISYPHUS:
This is my baptismal certificate and this is my confirmation certificate.
DURBIN:
So you admit it! What church were they issued by?
SISYPHUS:
St. Pius X church.
DURBIN:
And, what denomination is that church?
SISYPHUS:
Roman Catholic.
DURBIN:
Aha! Consider yourself Borked! No further questions, I rest my case!
SPECTER:
Uh, okay, next is Senator Biden.
SENATOR BIDEN:
Hey, is that Fred Thompson sitting behind you? He used to be here in the Senate but now he’s on TV, on that show CSP: New York. I think that’s great; some days I wish I could be on TV, ha, ha. I mean TV that people actually watch, ha, ha. Hey, Fred, could you get me the autograph of ADA Southerlyn? Hey, I have a great story idea for the show. It involves a distinguished Senator who has a hot romance with ADA Southerlyn, and then solves the crime. It would be one of the times where you get a conviction. Hey, I could be both the detective who solved the crime, and the Senator who argued the case and got the conviction. I’m sure you can work out all of the other details.
Hey, is that a Hawaiian shirt you’re wearing? I love Hawaii. Remember those old Elvis movies set in Hawaii, like Clambake? I’d like to meet Elvis sometime, because I have a great idea for a movie. He would play a crooning race car driver who happened to be a United States Senator. Anyway, back to Clambake, I think clams are very tasty, especially those clam tails. I’ve never been to a clam bake, but I bet it would be fun. Especially if Elvis was there, and that hot chick from the movie. You know, the one who played Coach’s wife on “Coach”. Can you believe she married that wimpy guy from MASH, you know, Hawkeye. Do you know Elvis?
SISYPHUS:
Could you repeat the question please, Senator?
BIDEN:
Sure, but if you want to be on the Supreme Court you should pay closer attention to what the Senators are saying. I’m a Senator, and have been for a long time, although a lot of people think I would make an even better President. One of the other branches of our government is the Supreme Court, and that’s an important branch. You want to be on the Supreme Court. Someone said you were from Minnesota. What’s wrong with those Vikings? I wouldn’t have traded Moss if I were the Vikings, they can’t score at all now. Of course, Moss only plays when he wants to play, but those 150 yard touchdown catches look pretty good now don’t they. Did you know that in Europe, they call soccer football? I think we should start calling football, soccer and soccer, football. Those Europeans are pretty sharp, I hope you listen to them when you are on the Supreme Court. In soccer they’re only allowed to use their feet, so it makes sense to call it football. (Why don’t they call it feetball? They can use both feet.) And it makes sense to call football, soccer because in football you hit people. You know, like you sock them. Now that Mia Hamm is one great role model for young women, she’s a feetballer. Too bad she married that hockey player. You know hockey, they have those strange rules like …
SPECTER:
Your time is up Senator Biden. Senator Schumer?
SENATOR SCHUMER:
So, are you a wise guy?
SISYPHUS:
Why yes I am, Senator.
SCHUMER:
Damn, you got us again. Since none of us have been able to lay a glove on you, what could we ask you about that would trip you up?
SISYPHUS:
Well, it was a long time ago, but you could ask me about the time I founded a branch of the KKK.
SCHUMER:
(Schumer does a touchdown-celebration dance)
I knew it! You’re a racist, anti-Semite! That’s it for you! All of you Republicans are racist klansmen! It doesn’t matter how long ago, you’re out of the mainstream! Out of the mainstream! Out of the mainstream! Now we can filibuster!
SISYPHUS:
Oh, I’m sorry, that wasn’t me who founded the KKK chapter, that was Senator Robert Byrd.
SCHUMER:
Uh, I’m sure that was a long time ago and he’s proven that he’s not a racist by being a Democrat.
SPECTER:
Well, I guess it’s time to vote.
posted by Sisyphus at 9/19/2005 09:58:00 AM
2 Comments:
Biden, he sure is messed up....I always picture the Steinbrenner character from Seinfeld...when he speaks....your text gave the same effect....brilliant.
Tastefully fair satire that rings true.
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