Literally Too Good To Be True

My first pseudo-podcast is in the works and I have lined up President Jimmy Carter. Like my fake interview with soul singer James Brown just minutes before his death, this is a coup for me. Here is an excerpt:

NIGP: Now let’s get to the first major issue of the day, which is Iran. President Carter, if the United Kingdom feels obliged to use force, if diplomacy fails to get their people back, will you applaud?

Carter: I think there are two very simple steps that should be taken. The first is to use a understand what the Iranians want. That is the only way you can negotiate with them. In my non-ironically titled book, “Negotiation: The Alternative to Hostility,” I lay out the successful steps I took in dealing with Iran. The second step is an ultimatum.

NIGP: I didn’t know you believed in ultimatums. Would you do, would you urge them…

Carter: And say to the Iranians, you know, you can keep the sailors as long as you want. However, everyone in your country will need to fear a strongly worded UN sanction.

NIGP: So how long would you give them, to give them an ultimatum, the Iranians?

Carter: I would literally give them enough time for them to do the right thing, and say to them within the next two years, your UN parking passes will no longer work. And within the following year, we will draw up a resolution. Now if you would like to avoid being humiliated publicly, we recommend you calmly and quietly give them back now. But frankly, if you’d prefer to show the planet that you’re tiny and we’re not, we’re prepared to simply cut off diplomatic ties with you. Except, of course for export of fissionable nuclear materials. We wouldn’t want to inhumanely deprive them of electricity or atom bombs.

NIGP: I agree with that 0%. Would your recommendation to the United States President be the same if Iran seized our forces?

Carter: Absolutely. I mean, the reason I say that, it is the least violent, least direct thing you can do. It uses our greatest strength…you know, the mismatch in diplomatic speech-making power is absolute. And so you don’t have to send troops into Iran. Trust me. I have dealt with this before.

NIGP: Thank you President Carter. I believe you are the one man that we should not listen to in this situation.