Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Drag Him From His Home Kicking And Screeching

In a just world, anyone over the age of 35 would hate Jimmy Carter with the white hot passion of 1000 suns. Whether it was the Iran Hostage Crisis, stagflation, the 55 MPH speed limit or any of his other failures, everyone should remember Carter for his incredible incompetence that made America a grim place in the late 1970's.

But what of those under 35? They were at most ten years old when Carter left office. What American symbolizes annoying ineptitude to them the way smiling goofball Carter does to us elder citizens? I would suggest that actor Dustin Diamond fits the bill.

Diamond is better known as Screech, the nerd from the inane Saturday morning TV show "Saved By The Bell." His acting credits include a regular appearance in the following series:

Good Morning, Miss Bliss... aka Saved by the Bell: The Junior High Years
Saved By The Bell
Saved by the Bell: The New Class
Saved by the Bell: The College Years

But these aren't Dustin Diamonds only credits. He's also appeared in two made for TV movies:

Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style
Saved by the Bell: Wedding in Las Vegas

From 1987 to 1994 this doufus made a living by playing Screech. Mercifully, his television career ended and he moved to Milwaukee, never to be heard from again, until now that is.

It seems that Screech has as much financial acumen as he has acting talent. He has decided to launch a career as a stand-up comedian and the results are not surprising. He's been so successful that the bank has begun foreclosure proceedings on his house. From his web site:

My shitty credit meant that getting a loan for a house would be tough. I began looking and finally purchased one on a land contract. I was thrilled! Now I call Wisconsin my home.
During the past years the land around me has developed for the better and my property value went way up. Now that the house is worth a lot more they want it back. Knowing my credit is bad, getting a straight mortgage would take some time. I received a letter stating that I had 30 days to pay $250,000.00 or get out. I was not thrilled.

Screech then goes into a long harangue against some mortgage broker who supposedly was supposed to save his house but left him high and dry. What would he do now?

Perhaps he would follow the advice of his comrade Jimmy Carter and "stop crying and start sweating." No, instead he has made a crappy tee shirt that you can buy for $15 (a $20 version is also available with an additional message that includes an f-word slur against the mortgage broker).

If you are a business owner you can help out by buying an ad on his web site. Each ad is represented by a brick in this diagram. Hurry! Two have been sold already. Actually, one is an ad for his tee shirt, so it looks like only Discount Office Supplies has stepped up.

If you are a celebrity, you can record an audio message supporting Screech. Again, we've got one taker so far, the almost equally faded celebrity Jeff Foxworthy. You would think Zach or Slater would at least record a message for him.

Let's all hope Screech doesn't hear how Minneapolis has generous public assistance programs for the indigent or he might move a few hundred miles west to rekindle his stand-up comedy career.


Blogger Nicko McDave said...

If NIGP ever needed to raise money in this manner, you could have a special mp3 message from some celebrity blogger like Learned Foot imploring site visitors to help out. But instead of filling a house with bricks, donors could fill the Nihilist's Golf Pants.

Or better yet' Sisyphus's.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're totally wrong about Jeff Foxworthy's career.

The guy is still HUUUGE. He has a TV show on Comedy Central and routinely sells out auditoriums for his standup.

The Redneck thing has been good to him.

There's no comparing him to this loser.

4:10 PM  

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