Top 11 Reasons There Are No Homosexuals in Iran

11. Iranian women are so hot, they convert all potential gays

10. Incredible success of “scared straight” program featuring posters of Andy Dick and Rosie O'Donnell

9. The sorry state of musical theater in Tehran

8. All the young people want to emulate their favorite heterosexual movie star, Tom Cruise

7. Since no one cuts their hair in Iran, no need for hairdressers

6. All of the gays are in the San Francisco of the Middle East – Afghanistan

5. Turbans and baggy robes are so not what to wear

4. Iranian shepherds find their sexual gratification … ummmm, elsewhere

3. There are only so many ways you can redecorate the interior of a tent before you get fed up and leave the country

2. Last Iranian homosexual recently died in a tragic float diving accident at a gay pride parade

1. Public restrooms at Tehran International don't accommodate those with a wide stance