Thursday, June 11, 2009

CBS Mailbag


To: The Nihilist In Golf Pants

From: Executive Production Team, The Late Show With David Letterman

Mr. Pants:

The legal team at The Late Show With David Letterman recently became aware that you and your co-bloggers have blatantly stolen the idea for our trademarked Late Show Top Ten List on your blog. After significant legal research, we have determined that while your Top 11 Lists are undoubtedly derivative of our trademarked property, they are just different enough where we have no legal recourse against you.

The ability to completely rip off someone else’s joke and pass it as your own is just the type of thinking that makes for a great network television comedy writer. Since most of David’s writing staff is approaching mandatory retirement age, so we are looking for new writers who understand the importance of repetitive bits that don’t challenge audiences too much. After reviewing your blog, we have determined that you may be one such writer. Therefore, we request that you submit a formal application to us so we can proceed with a formal evaluation of you.

Thank you and good luck!

Section 1: Repetitive sketches
Prepare a suggestion for a repetitive bit. This bit does not need to be funny, it simply needs to take up 5-10 minutes of show time each week (example: “Will It Float?”). The ideal bit will allow David to reinforce his superiority to lower paid staff members, possibly including yourself.

Section 2: Questions for guests
a. Prepare a series of questions for a typical guest promoting a movie from a studio that purchases advertising on CBS. Note: be sure that these questions are sycophantic enough to keep the revenue flowing.

b. Prepare a series of questions for a typical actor/actress starring in a CBS television show. Note: make sure these questions cast the CBS show in a positive light.

c. Prepare a series of questions for a contestant from a CBS reality TV show. Note: make sure the questions belittle the guest, but still cast the show in a favorable light.

Section 3: Monologue jokes
a. Prepare a series of jokes about CBS shows that network executives already plan to cancel. Note: these jokes must be scathing enough to make David appear rebellious.

b. Prepare a series of political jokes about Republican office-holders, candidates, or Rush Limbaugh. Note: as this is network television, please refrain from using the following words: c*ck sucker, a$$hole, f%ckwad or c^nt. Feel free to use the words: whore, tramp, jackass, and ass.

c. As we make fun of both sides, prepare a series of jokes about the current administration. Note: we have found it especially humorous to point out President Obama’s trouble cleaning up the mess that he inherited.

Section 4: Other writing duties
Prepare a list of excuses for the executive production team to provide to CBS executives when they point out the fact that The Late Show ratings trail The Tonight Show, Nightline, and syndicated reruns of According to Jim.


Blogger Terry_Jim said...

I would think that producing a 'Top 11' would make you too much of an over-achiever for CBS.

11:53 PM  

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