36 Hours in Minneapolis-St. Paul

The David Carr of the New York Times has come up with a travel column that purports to give RNC visitors some tips on things to do here in the Twin Cities. It is crap.

For example, Carr writes:
And please remember, when they ask you at the coffee shop, “How you doing, today?” they really want to know.

Uh, no we don’t. Just say you’re fine so everyone can get on with their day.

Carr also recommends that visitors go see that big cherry on a spoon sculpture down by the Walker or somewhere. Don’t. It is just a big cherry on a spoon. This isn’t Berne; there are no cool sculptures here.

Here is the actual best way to spend 36 hours in Minneapolis-St. Paul:

Friday

5 p.m.
On a hot summer day there is a convenient and diverting respite – your hotel room. Crank up the AC and take a well deserved nap!

7 p.m.
The Twin Cities are a great baseball metropolitan area and the Twins are in the middle of a pennant race, so why not head down to the Metrodome and catch a game? Oh, that’s right; the Twins are in the middle of a fourteen game road trip because apparently they can’t play home games while the Republican National Convention is going on. This makes no sense. The Twins don’t play in the Xcel Center or even in St. Paul. If anything, a Twins game would balance out the traffic and give those of us deemed unworthy of blogging credentials something to do.

9 p.m.
The Twins are in Oakland so the game is starting soon. It will be on Fox Sports North, ask the front desk for the channel. Yes, we know – that “circle me Bert” thing is annoying. Consider yourself lucky; we’ve been putting up with it for years now.

11:30 p.m.
The game is probably over by now; hopefully our middle relief didn’t blow the game. If you were in LA, Chicago, or New York, I would suggest going out and sampling the night life. Unfortunately, you’re in St. Paul. You may as well just go to bed.

Saturday

10 a.m.
Sure, you could drive over to Dinkytown, try to find a parking spot and eat at Al’s Breakfast, but why bother? A pancake is a pancake and unless eating it in a covered alley does something for you, just go to a Perkins. There are 48 Perkins locations within 50 miles of the Xcel Center.

11:30 a.m.
If you are an MSM journalist, you will probably want to start getting some work done. I recommend doing a story on a local homeless person’s reaction to the Republican National Convention being held in the Twin Cities (if you are a right wing blogger, you will want to do a blog post on MSM journalists interviewing homeless people).

Local journalists, like our Star Tribune’s Nick Coleman, know that the best place to find homeless interview subjects is the White Castle at University and Lexington. Get there no later than 11:30 or all of the good homeless will be taken. While you’re there, have a half dozen sliders for lunch.

2 p.m.
If for some reason you feel the need to sample some of the Twin Cities’ cultural offerings, don’t even think about going to the Walker Art Center. All that they have is that modern crap (I mean metaphorical crap, not poop art, which could actually be worthwhile.)

Instead check out the far superior Minneapolis Institute of Art, where they have legitimate paintings by real artists (plus it is free!). Among the works you will want to check out are Lehmann’s “Calypso”, Delvaux’s “Woman with a Mirror”, and Caillebotte’s “Nude on a Couch”.

5 p.m.
Your visit to the RNC will inevitably bring you into contact with protesters and we all know how smelly protesters can be. Now is a good time to stock up on soap and air fresheners. I recommend the St. Paul Midway Wal-Mart. (This Wal-mart isn’t far from the White Castle, so if your homeless person was especially ripe, consider squeezing in this stop before you head to the museum).

6 p.m.
Interviewing the homeless, viewing art, and shopping are surefire ways to work up an appetite. Unless I miss my guess, you now have a hankering for a Chicken McNugget or ten. Fortunately, there is a McDonalds at Snelling and University. I recommend the value meal, which includes 10 McNuggets, fries, and a soft drink (the locals refer to it as pop). Ask for the Buffalo sauce.

7 p.m.
As the famous Minneapolis rock band, The Replacements, said, “A person can work up a mean, mean, thirst after a hard day of nothin’ much at all”. At the corner of Snelling and University, there are a couple of liquor stores within easy walking distance. It doesn’t really matter which one you choose since they all carry 12 packs of Budweiser (as you are not from around here, you probably don’t have a Minnesotan’s finely tuned beer palate). Take the 12 pack back to your hotel room and drink yourself to sleep.

Sunday

11 a.m.
Sunday morning is, of course, church time. All of the cool Republican Catholics attend Holy Family in St. Louis Park. If you are not Catholic, you are on your own in finding a church to attend, but in the long run it won’t matter as you are going to hell anyway.