Top 11 Excuses Rich MPLS Conservatives Make For High Crime In The City

11. Better access to postcard collections of deceased victims
10. Blood splatter in the snow resembles Mondrian's early work
09. Rapist's wit can disarm even the most ferocious criminals
08. Ability to run really really fast if necessary
07. Situation no worse than Mogadishu circa 1993
06. Floating a few bodies in moat keeps out riff-raff
05. Fun to peek over mansion wall and cry "Nanny-nanny-boo-boo!"
04. Keeping head in sand good for complexion
03. Pizza delivery man takes threats more seriously when
improperly-sauced pizzas arrive
02. Criminals are known to be avid newspaper readers
01. Crime? Who the hell cares? Beats living in North Dakota