Top 11 Upcoming Hugh Hewitt Libels

On his Thursday show, Hugh Hewitt was forgiving enough to ask Governor Tim Pawlenty to pardon us (and Fraters Libertas) for allegedly libeling him. Although T-Paw didn’t immediately grant the pardon, we’re sure it’s just a matter of filing the proper paperwork. In the mean time, we’ll take advantage of our clean slate to come up with a fresh set of Hugh Hewitt libels:

11. We have documents (authenticated by Mary Mapes) proving that Hugh Hewitt and Art Modell are the same person.

10. The Fetching Mrs. Hewitt is none other than Paris Hilton.

9. He gave Lileks his first few Hummels for free to get him hooked. Now Hugh makes ten grand a month off his habit.

8. There is no Chapman University Law School – Hugh just made it up when he decided to pretend to be a law professor.

7. Hugh turned down the opportunity to play one of the gay cowboys in Brokeback Mountain – but only because the studio refused to cast Al Franken as his co-star.

6. In every Presidential election since 1976, Hugh has written in Richard Nixon.

5. Generalissimo Duane keeps hidden, as an insurance policy, tape of Hugh asking: “Who’s this Shakes-whatever guy David Allen White keeps yapping about?”

4. The real reason Hugh misses so many shows: He’s following Canned Heat around on tour.

3. The Hugh Hewitt show interns are actually Al Qaeda detainees supplied by the CIA. All have cracked in less than a day.

2. The only reason he went to Harvard is that he lacked the hockey knowledge to get into the University of Minnesota.

1. Hugh is from Warren, Ohio.