Become a Better Conservative in May

Most of our readers are already good conservatives, but there is always room for improvement. Here is a calendar of things you can do throughout the month of May that will help you become a better conservative.

Sunday May 1:
May Day: The international workers day as celebrated by commies and socialists. Celebrate by submitting the names of anyone you suspect of being a commie or socialist to the Justice Department.
Monday May 2:
May2 is H2 day. Test drive a new Hummer.
Tuesday May 3:
Deliver the news. Seek out a car with a Kerry-Edwards bumper sticker; politely inform the owner that the election is over and that they ought to consider moving on. If they tell you they can’t remove the bumper sticker because it is holding their car together, kindly offer them a “Support Our Troops” sticker to place over it.
Wednesday May 4:
South Park Republican Day. Show your support for “South Park Republicans” by watching tonight’s episode.
Thursday May 5:
The Great American Smoke-In. If you’ve never smoked, today’s the day to give it a try. If you’re a former smoker, give yourself a taste of what you’ve been missing.
Friday May 6:
Help beautify your community: tell a hippy to get a haircut.
Saturday May 7:
Family Movie Day: Gather up the family for a rousing showing of Patton.

Fossil Fuels Appreciation Week:
Sunday May 8:
Grill a steak. The beauty is it doesn’t matter whether you prefer charcoal or gas grilling. Both are fossil fuels!
Monday May 9:
How about a good old fashioned gasoline fight, like in the movie Zoolander?
Tuesday May 10:
Anyone who drives a Prius, or any other of those hybrid cars is highly likely to be a smug environmentalist who hands out “environmental waste” tickets to SUV owners. Today turn the tables by handing out your own “anti-smugness” tickets:
“You are a pretentious arrogant jerk. You owe society $1,000,000 in punitive damages for the annoyance caused by your condescending attitude.”
Wednesday May 11:
Take the long way into work. If you are part of a carpool, drive in to work separately and savor your independence.
Thursday May 12:
Picket a nuclear plant. Here we can form common cause with our liberal friends. Nuclear power is taking money out of the pockets of the coal and gas companies.
Friday May 13:
Take a one hour shower. Fire up that hot water heater and enjoy a nice long relaxing shower, courtesy of fossil fuels. And don’t worry about wasting water. The earth has a nearly constant supply of water that is constantly recycled.
Saturday May 14:
Chevy American Revolution 400 – Even if you don’t care for NASCAR, show your support for those who know how to enjoy fossil fuels by tuning in to the Chevy American Revolution 400 on the FX network.

Sunday May 15:
Taunt a vegan. Buy a cheeseburger (preferably from McDonald’s) and wave it under the nose of patrons going into your local vegan restaurant.
Monday May 16:
Be rude (or ruder) to your servants today. You know they’re complaining about you behind your back anyway, so today, really give them something to whine about.
Tuesday May 17:
Team America: World Police is released on DVD today. Root on your favorite Special Forces puppets as they take on the evil Film Actors Guild.
Wednesday May 18:
Stimulate the economy: find a homeless person and tell him or her to get a job.
Thursday May 19:
Sisyphus’s birthday is next Saturday. Even though he can afford to buy his own beer, buy him one anyway.
Friday May 20:
Violate the spirit but not the letter of your local smoking ban. Buy a couple of packs of cigars or cigarettes and one of those battery operated mini-fans. Light up three or four of them in front of (but outside of) a building that is subject to a government mandated smoking ban. Use your fan to blow smoke into the building. If possible, choose a pub frequented by politicians responsible for implementing the ban.
Saturday May 21:
Ronald Reagan Appreciation Day. Have you named something after Ronald Reagan lately? Name a spare bedroom “The Gipper Room” and fill it with Reagan memorabilia.

Support America’s Major Corporations Week:
Sunday May 22:
Wal-Mart: Don’t just shop there. Write your city, county, or met council and insist they do what it takes to bring another Wal-Mart store to your area.
Monday May 23:
Microsoft: You must know someone who’s pirating Microsoft software. Today is the day to turn them in.
Tuesday May 24:
Halliburton: Write your Senator and Congressman to demand more no bid contracts!
Wednesday May 25:
Starbucks: Walk right on by that locally owned, independent coffee shop and into your nearest Starbucks. After all, if they didn’t have great coffee, there wouldn’t be one on every corner.
Thursday May 26:
McDonald’s: Don’t forget to Super Size that Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal!
Friday May 27:
CitiGroup: You probably have a CitiGroup credit card. Use it on today’s shopping spree!
Saturday May 28:
Pfizer: Whether you need it or not, pop a Viagra today.

Sunday May 29:
Fisk Nick. Read Nick’s column and fisk it. If Nick doesn’t write one today, or it is a rare sane column, fisk one from his archives.
Monday May 30:
Lecture a slacker. They’re easy to find working as clerks at co-ops, independent book stores, and coffee shops. Inform them that if they had any gumption they’d be taking the Real Estate exam or finding out how to make a living in plastics. This is also a good learning opportunity for the kids. Show them how they’ll end up if they major in something worthless like Peace and Conflict Studies.
Tuesday May 31:
Reflect on the improvements you’ve made in your life over the last month and resolve to continue becoming a better conservative throughout the year.