Thursday, April 07, 2005

Handicapping the Papal Election

According to the good folks at Fiskwa!! (they listen to the Nick Coleman radio show so we don’t have to) Nick Coleman is claiming that he was once a Deacon of the Catholic Church. This announcement can only mean one thing: Nick is preparing to challenge our own Nihlist in Golf Pants for the papacy. Most commentators have been wary of handicapping the papal election, but not me. Here is how I see the Nick-Nihilist match up.

The Pope should be Roman Catholic
Although the New York Times and CNN may think this requirement antiquated, the Pope really should be a Roman Catholic, if only to preserve the traditional saying “Is the Pope Catholic?”
Nick Coleman described himself as “a lapsed Catholic and imperfect Presbyterian” in his May 7, 2004 Star Tribune column. The Nihilist is a Notre Dame graduate. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

The Pope should not be from a super power
In order to avoid the appearance that a super power is manipulating the Pope, the Pope should not be from a super power nation. The Nihilist is an American, the world’s only super power. Nick Coleman is an Irishman. ADVANTAGE: Nick.

The Pope should know stuff
No explanation needed. ADVANTAGE: Nick.

The Pope should take a traditional view of marriage
The Nihilist is still married to his first wife, a woman. Nick believes that it is all right to divorce your wife and re-marry if your new wife is a young hottie. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

Homeless – the Pope should know where to find the homeless
The Nihilist lives in the suburbs while Ncik Coleman often interviews the homeless for his column. ADVANTAGE: Nick.

The Pope should be well-connected and influential
Nick has a Star Tribune column and an Air America Minnesota radio show. The Nihilist has a blog that averages 44 visitors a day. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

The new Pope should address the needs of hypochondriac Catholics
The Nihilist has pledged to curtail the handshake. Nick has been silent on this issue. ADVANTAGE: Nihilist.

There you have it; a 4-3 lead for the Nihilist. But don’t count Nick out just yet, his step-mother, Deborah Howell, may have more influence with College of Cardinals than we know.


Blogger Craig Westover said...

When the Pope passed away, Coleman moved up a notch on the "World's Sexiest Man" list. Nihilist did not. ADVANTAGE: Coleman

3:05 PM  
Anonymous Nick Coleman said...

"Nick believes that it is all right to divorce your wife and re-marry if your new wife is a young hottie."

You, uh, wungnuts are suuuh buhring. Call muh whun yuh luhrn stuhff. Like how tuh write fuhnnuh thuhngs.

Uhnd Uh cun ut luhst GUHT thuh hotties. Unluhk yuh dateless wungnuts un yuhr pujuhmuhs.

It's 11 AM und Uh have had five Guhnusses.

6:56 PM  

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