Monday, May 01, 2006

Top 11 Things That Wendy Wilde Will Do If She Is Elected To Congress

11. Launch an investigation of the Big Mold industry

10. Propose a non-binding resolution that the cause of Hell's freezing over was in fact due to global warming.

9. Decriminalize payola

8. Decriminalize peyote

7. Grab a bib and try to find out where all that free pork is

6. Expose her children a great diversity of people, and all of the cultural benefits that they would gain from that by living in inner-city Washington D.C.

5. Get a Congressional aid to summarize that "Constitution" thing she's been hearing so much about

4. Have Congress pass a resolution affirming that "mean people suck."

3. Sign law that lets every citizen adopt a porn de plume as she did

2. Raise the minimum wage to $1 million an hour so that everyone will be a millionaire

1. Demand equal rights for Beige Americans


Anonymous Andy said...

Wow. So Wendy chooses to live in a crime-ridden neighborhood in order to expose her children to the benefits of diversity? I think I have just seen the light. Though I was a conservative up until learning about Ms. Wilde's commitment to multiculturalism, I now plan on moving to MN so that I may help get her elected to Congress.

Also: I'm going to nominate her for mother of the year. My own mother (probably a closet racist) forced me to spend my formative years in a hideously white neighborhood. Sure, I never had live in fear, but there are tradeoffs.

8:43 AM  
Anonymous Michelle Joy said...

I am pleased to see the Klu Klux Klan has succeeded in their image make-over to accomodate the blogosphere with the wealth of angry frat-boy basement stoners who can't get a job and move out of Mommie's house. Lamey-boy.

Having never assended to the top of the basement stairs, I can understand why you might fear living in any urban Minneapolis nighborhood. Oh po old coddled boy, scared of walkin in the 'hood without his conceal-and-carry?

I think you need to get out and experience the world some and you will find Minneapolis and St. Paul (just outside the door of your parernts home in Blaine) is probably one of the tamest, safest and least threatening cities on any continent, in any nation of the world. There is a world beyond your home-made hopped-up 1992 Windoze 98 desktop computer.

But then what would you know about the world anyway?

10:16 AM  
Blogger Sisyphus said...

Michelle Joy,
None of us live in Blaine.

10:32 AM  
Anonymous Michelle Joy said...

You can always go back home... in fact, we'd love it if you would get out of our urban neighborhoods. We certainly don't need you walking around the streets of Uptown, Downtown, or NE Minneapolis carrying guns because you were raised by Mommy and afraid of people who look different than you are accustomed to seeing in your "hideously white neighborhoods."

10:58 AM  
Blogger Sisyphus said...

Also, it would be impossible to run Windows 98 on a 1992 processor.

11:39 AM  
Blogger Atomizer said...

Wow. For a chick with "Joy" in her name, MJ sure ain't spreading much around. Lighten up, Shelly baby.

12:23 PM  
Blogger Nihilist in Golf Pants said...

These are some high quality comments we get from the City Pages readers!

12:45 PM  
Blogger Chad The Elder said...

Maybe you could do a Top 11 list of cities in the world that are safer than Minneapolis/St. Paul right now. Make that a Top 111 List. Top 1111? Top 11,111?

12:54 PM  
Blogger Pauli said...

I'm actually whiter than most white people, but not genetically albino. I'm sorry if anyone out there is offended by my use of the word "albino". I will try this summer to become a beiger American.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Michelle Joy said...

I see Nihilist is a Nick Coleman poser as well.

That's a bold stroke filled with intrigity and honesty. I wonder how that ranks with the Wikipedist in Tennessee who claim to have special inside knowledge of the Kennedy assasination and falsely fingered conspirators and bio-ed them as such "as a joke."

What's wrong Nihilist, can't stand the light of day that comes from a wider audience reading your listings, rants and raves?

2:42 PM  
Blogger Sisyphus said...

You will have no credibility in this comments section until you acknowledge that Windows 98 cannot run on a 1992 processor.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Michelle Joy said...

Look, don't try to out geek me with your CPU-logic. First, I did qualify my assertion about 1992 computer by saying it is a home-made box, meaning of course, that you can take out a few screws, pull the memory from the slots and replace the CPU.

Do you want the upgrade path instructions on how to modify a Pentium II, add RAM, and plug the slots to run Windows 98? If you make me go there than I wil have out-geeked the Geeks and I'm not sure you want that... because then you will accuse me of being a emasculating feminist.

I won't be dragged into that trap.

5:02 PM  
Blogger Sisyphus said...

But if you've perform those upgrades, it really is no longer a 1992 computer. Sure maybe the box is, but who cares about that. What's important is what's on the inside.

7:54 PM  
Anonymous Michelle Joy said...

You seem to forget the most important marks that make your comptuer soooo 1992 -- Kris Kross and Pokeyman stickers, along with official fan club stamps of the Pilatus and Morvan for sexiest teen idols competition.

It's not that it has Intel inside, that's all relative, it is those mind-shape tatoos decorating the outside that tell the whole story... You can rebuild under the hood but it is still a Ford Escort through and through.

Yes, read it and weep lamey-boy! You can run but you cannot hide.

8:44 PM  
Anonymous Andy said...

"Having never assended to the top of the basement stairs, I can understand why you might fear living in any urban Minneapolis nighborhood. Oh po old coddled boy, scared of walkin in the 'hood without his conceal-and-carry?"

I find your writing fascinating, from your unique spelling (what does "assended" mean?) to your creative logic, not to mention your highly original ideas. What I mean to say is: it's not as if you come off like a half-baked, excessively angry liberal--a liberal who merely regurgitates party talking points in lieu of thinking for herself like a mother bird spewing half-digested bugs for her young. You're a breath of fresh, warm air in a cold and stale world.

I do recognize the folly of my upbringing. I mean, there were *no* crimes in my neighborhood while I was growing up. It made me--as you so perceptively pointed out--afraid to venture into high-crime areas without the comfort of a concealed weapon. I can't change my past but I can work to give my children the best possible future. I'm looking into crime-ridden neighborhoods to start my family in. However, as a simple country boy, I am ignorant as to what neighborhoods offer the greatest opportunities for first hand education in this regard. As you seem to be high on the benefits of anti-social behavior, I am sure your choice of living quarters reflects this belief.

Perhaps you could inform me as to which high-crime area you live in, so I that I may add it to my list of potential places to raise my family. I appreciate your time.

12:38 AM  
Anonymous Michelle Joy said...


Uptown and Linden Hills.

You'll have to excuse the typos, they are a by-product of the fast and immediate blogger medium.

I can say that Minneapolis, of all the large cities in the world I've lived and worked in -- New York, Washington, D.C., London -- is one of the most peaceful and serene of all.

Lakes, parks, easy-going helpful people who seem to be concerned not only with themselves but the community around them typlify Minneapolis as a city vastly different in character than most its size or bigger.

I would say there are many neighborhoods in Minneapolis and just as many in St. Paul that are excellent for living in and raising a family. Public schools, as much as they get bashed by conservatives who wish to bring them down and impose a privatized for-profit system, here in Minnesota are the best in the nation. And still, we should never be satisfied with just being the best.

I just got back from a few weeks Baltimore, Maryland and the school system in that state is terrible, especially in that city. Maryland has the highest percentage of school age students in private or religious schools in the nation. See what good it is doing them. Maryland does not come close to competing with Minnesota schools.

Many of the perceptions on diversity and multiculturalism out there today are based on irrational fear. I'm not trying to gloss over or ignore problems in the city of Minneapolis as they need to be dealt with but the hash attitudes expressed in public and politics are an over-reactions.

I don't respect politicians who whip up fear and hysteria to get themselves elected, regardless of their party or label. The current leadership is doing this with immigration, schools, marriage, crime and public safety -- that is instead of providing solutions they are creating division and anger.

10:19 AM  
Blogger Dawn said...

Apparently MJ has never actually taught in the Minneapolis school district. My friend Corky's wife, who has been a teacher for 20 years, was a 4th grade teacher in one of Minny's 'fine schools'...

...for one year. She left, after spending the majority of her time 'acting more like a cop than a teacher'.

She now teaches in a N. Suburban school, and is quite happy. Oh, BTW, she's black.

As for Minny being among the 'safest', according to CNN/Money magazine, it doesn't even come close. Chanhassen makes their 2005 list of 'best places to live', but Minny isn't there.

6:37 PM  

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