Top 11 Things That Jesse Macbeth Also Claims To Have Done*

*In addition to slaughtering women and children in Iraq as a US Army Ranger

11. Taught Jack Bauer how to cut throats

10. Had a beer bought for him by the NIGP

9. Ate 50 eggs in one sitting

8. Humiliated and dumped Alanis Morissette about 10 years ago

7. Took Paris Hilton's virginity

6. Gave Howard Hughes a ride to Vegas in his pickup truck

5. Wrote "How Opah Metha Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life"

4. Invented the Internet

3. Killed Duncan to become king of Scotland

2. Foiled Hitler's attempt to steal the Ark of the Covenant

1. Received a lucky hat from a CIA guy when he went on a special mission in Cambodia