Top 11 Lies (Sources Tell NIGP) that Scooter Libby Told to the Grand Jury

This morning all of the Kos Kids rushed down to the Fitzmas tree and tore open their presents – to find only the head of Scooter Libby. Thousands of little voices rose up in unison: “Is that all? I was a good Kos Kid all year. I asked for the Rove head!”

Be grateful for what you’ve gotten, you little ingrates. Sources have leaked to NIGP the top 11 lies Scooter Libby told to the grand jury:

11. “I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Judith Miller.”
10. “The word ‘is’ can really have multiple meanings.”
9. “I’m convinced that the nomination of Harriet Miers will unite the Republican base.”
8. “Joe Wilson and Valerie Plame are great public servants who have no political agenda whatsoever.”
7. “Sure I was on the Vikings Sex Cruise, but I was on the good boat.”
6. “ ‘Scooter’ is too a good nickname for an adult.”
5. “Congratulations on the fact that no illegal leaks have come from this grand jury investigation.”
4. “You’re damn right I could beat the crap out of Al Franken.”
3. “I’m the real brains behind the operation. Karl Rove is overrated.”
2. “I was runner-up the year JFK Jr. was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.”
1. “The Vikings can still win the NFC North.”