Thursday, October 13, 2005

On a Boat Where Ya Do What Ya Don't Confess

What would Gordon Lightfoot think of the exploits of our purple helmeted warriors? Here's a guess, to the tune of "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."

The legend lives on from the west side of town
Of the big lake they called Minnetonka
The Vikings, it's said, like to go and get head
When the bye in October comes early
Thursday at eight thirty four, twenty Vikings climbed on board
Two schooners from Al and Alma's.
That good ship's crew saw some boners in view
When the bye in October came early.

The Vikes, filled with pride from a mere one game slide
And last year's win 'gainst the team from Wisconsin
As the quarterbacks go, he was bigger than most
Though his hands were incredibly tiny
Fred Smoot came to terms, the secondary looked firm
For the first time since Griffith left for Cleveland
And Smootie that night brought some hookers to bang
What was inside his pants they'd been feelin'?

The waitress on board made a tattle-tale sound
As they offered her sex for the paying
And every man knew, as the captain did too,
That the Vikings would have no controlling.
The bartender was late and the drinks couldn't wait
So our 1-3 heroes helped themselves.
When the Vikings came it was hookers to blame.
The Falcolns didn't get such attention.

When hors d'oeuvres time came, the waitress came on deck sayin'.
Fellas, you're too rough to feed ya.
At Nine P.M. she still wouldn't cave in,
When they offered, "Let's have a go at-ya"
The captain wired in that the boat was comin' in
As the good ship and crew was in peril.
And later that night when the party lights went outta sight
Came a bunch of neighborhood urination.

Does any one know where the defense goes
Cincinnati controlled the ball for two hours
The pundits did say that the Super Bowl they'd play
And that was as recently as August.
If they had a good coach or still had Randy Moss;
They might have played ball, not sex on the water.
And all that remains of the season is shame
And their lies to their wives and their girlfriends.

The Bears suck, the Packers rejoice
In a lone victory over New Orleans.
And Detroit reeks like a big piece of sheet;
Yet with two wins they lead the division.
Indianapolis, you know, talks of the Super Bowl
Despite what's an off year for Manning
But the only way that the Vikings can score
Is if they throw a raunchy sex party.

In a musty old hall in Winter park they prayed,
As they waited for Mike Tice's firing.
The lawyers came by twenty-nine stood in line
For each Viking who behaved quite badly.
The legend lives on from the west side of town
Of the big lake they call Minnetonka.
The Vikings, it's said, like to go and get head
When the bye in October comes early.

3 Comments:

Blogger Muzzy said...

Bravo, sir.

4:45 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

A lighter held high in honor of your epic missive!

3:58 AM  
Anonymous Greg said...

Magnum opus......

We need names!!!

10:38 AM  

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