Sunday, January 01, 2006

Report Card: A Look Back At My Predictions for 2005

We are probably the last place anyone would go to for accurate predictions, but at least we’re up-front about our ineptitude.

In that spirit, here is my review of my Predictions for 2005:

Minnesota Sports
The Vikings will lose their first playoff game.
RESULT: INCORRECT – I failed to predict that the Packers would be their first playoff opponent.

The Twins will finish third in the AL Central.

The Timberwolves will go back to losing in the first round of the playoffs.
RESULT: PARTIAL CREDIT – Timberwolves didn’t make the playoffs, but I had the right idea.

At least one of Latrell Sprewell’s children will be hospitalized for malnutrition. A contrite Glen Taylor will grant Spre his raise.
RESULT: INCORRECT – Spre’s children are alive and well.

The NHL strike will not be settled.

The good news: The Gopher Hockey team will win their third National Championship in four years.
RESULT: INCORRECT – I was off by a year.

George W. Bush will be accused of being a tool of Halliburton.

Howard Dean will be named DNC Chairman. Karl Rove will officially have no comment, but will privately let out a Howard Dean yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaagggghhhh.

Nick Coleman’s brother Chris will defeat Randy Kelly in the St. Paul mayoral election. Nick Coleman and Laura Billings resign their columns to avoid any appearance of conflict of interest and join the blogosphere.
RESULT: PARTIAL CREDIT – Chris Coleman was elected mayor, but his relatives were allowed to continue their columns in the Pioneer Press and Star Tribune.

There will be a major scandal in a Minnesota Soil and Water Conservation District.

Nihilist in Golf Pants will become the most read blog in America’s prisons.
RESULT: CORRECT – If you include Guantanamo and the secret CIA prisons.

John Hinderaker and Scott Johnson will take over William Safire’s New York Times column; Nick Coleman’s suicide attempt will be unsuccessful.
RESULT: INCORRECT – A blessing in disguise for Hinderaker and Johnson in that they can continue to have their writing read.

The new Nick Coleman/Laura Billings blog will take off like a shot and be named Time magazine’s blog of the year for 2005.
RESULT: INCORRECT – They opted to continue to collect outrageous salaries for meager output.

The entire Fraters Libertas crew will go on the wagon. Keegan’s will be forced to layoff two bartenders.
RESULT: PARTIAL CREDIT – The Keegan’s layoffs were caused by the smoking ban.

Craig Westover will receive a lucrative endorsement deal from a major hat manufacturer.
RESULT: INCORRECT – But only because hat industry doesn’t understand marketing.

Mitch Berg will have a successful date.

Whiskey will post an item at Captain’s Quarters.

Wonkette will make a joke referencing sodomy.
RESULT: CORRECT – Yeah, this one was a gimme.

King Banaian of SCSU Scholars will expose an incident of political correctness run amok at Saint Cloud State University.

Margaret of Our House will plant one or more tulips.
RESULT: CORRECT – At least they’re tulips in my book.

Sisyphus from Nihilist in Golf Pants will make a killing in the stock market.

Pop Culture
Michael Jackson will be convicted, no one will riot.
RESULT: INCORRECT – I once again overestimate the intelligence of American jurors.

An all new Paris Hilton sex video will surface on the internet.
RESULT: PROBABLY CORRECT – This one has to be correct, but I’m not about to go looking for proof.

A new reality series on Fox will be criticized for being crass and vulgar.
RESULT: CORRECT – See above.

Michelle Pfeiffer will continue to age gracefully.

FINAL GRADE: 13.5 out of 25 – An F even with grade inflation.

You’d think that these dismal results would make me think twice about attempting further predictions, but you’d be wrong. Over on Kennedy vs. the Machine, you will find my Top 11 Minnesota political predictions for 2006.


Anonymous MBerg said...

Give yourself an extra point: I have had quite a few successful dates...

...or so you'd have noticed if you'd made it to the MOB...

1:23 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

I planted 360 bulbs last fall of which about 50 were tulips. I am more partial to bulbs squirrels don't consider a delicacy.

2:48 PM  
Blogger King said...

MBerg, define success. If it's just sitting in the corner of a bar with a woman, you should be Glen Mason's assistant coach.

3:07 PM  
Blogger Sisyphus said...

Mitch, congratulations! This pushes me up to a D-.

Margaret, It seems I knew what you were going to plant better than you did! If you check the comments on the original prediction:
you said:
“Sorry Ni, no more tulips. I'm tired of feeding the squirrels.”

If you want to know what you’ll be planting in your garden over the next year, just ask me.

3:09 PM  

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