Sunday, February 08, 2015

Original Draft Of President Obama's Prayer Breakfast Remarks

Below is the original draft of President Obama's remarks at the National Prayer Breakfast. I kind of like them better than the lecture on the excesses of Christianity.

Good morning. I am pleased to have the opportunity to come to the National Prayer Breakfast to make this statement today:

Allahu Akbar!
The blood of the infidel will run like a river through the streets of imperialist America!

(Wait for stunned reaction)

Guys, it's a joke! It's a joke. Calm down.

You know, for a long time you people have accused me of being a Muslim, which is kind of funny, because as President, I've killed an awful lot of Muslims. We're literally killing dozens with drone strikes each week and those strikes don't exactly conform neatly to the standards of international law. Yeah, I've killed a lot of Muslims, but then again, so has ISIL or ISIS, or whatever Valerie Jarrett will tell me to call them tomorrow.

So I hope my little joke didn't upset you too much. But if it did, I want to remind you that I won. Anyway, if I were actually a Muslim, don't you think I'd use my religious beliefs to get Michelle to cover up her ugly mug with a veil? As the great Red Fox used to say, you could put her face into some dough and make gorilla cookies. I haven't done that. In fact I spent many Sundays in Rev. Jeremiah Wright's Christian Church pretending to listen to him as he droned on and on. Something I'm sure your congregations are familiar with.

But enough about me, today we are here to celebrate our blessings and contemplate our future at this National Prayer Breakfast. I take this honor seriously and humbly.

(Wait for applause)

Another joke; man, this room is slow. You know there's never enough about me, and there's no reason to be humble. After all, I won two elections.

I recall my first National Prayer Breakfast six years ago. I was under the impression that you would be praying to me. There's still time.

And speaking of time, I have a tee time at 8:45 so I will have to cut my remarks short. Thank you for your kind reception, and remember that your belief in the divine providence that makes America great is really a bunch of hooey.


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