Top 11 Mel Gibson Excuses

11. Thought he was ordering alcohol free gin and tonics

10. Was doing research for his next film, “Lethal Weapon V: Loaded Anti-Semite”

9. The police just misunderstood: He was actually blaming all of the wars in the world on Huey Lewis’ backup band

8. Apologized for calling the female Deputy “Sugar Tits” – he meant to call her “Angel Tits”

7. Has been hanging out with the Hoff too much lately

6. Was under the impression that everyone who drove drunk was just given a ride home, but apparently that applies only to Kennedys

5. The police just misunderstood: He was actually asking the Deputy whether she was Rew from Power Liberal

4. Mel has a naturally high blood alcohol level and his test result didn’t come from an exogenous outside source of alcohol

3. George Bush’s arrogant decision to ignore the Kyoto treaty led to the global warming which made Mel thirsty

2. The police just misunderstood: He was actually complaining about the “dirty pews” in the police station

1. Ran into the same Malibu cop who hassled The Dude in “The Big Lebowski”

Boomers Won't Drive US to Financial Ruin

The United States General Accounting Office recently debunked the myth that the retirement of the boomer generation would drive the stock market into a crash.

The theory goes like this: 78 million Americans are in the boomer demographic, between the ages of 60 and 42. When the boomers hit the retirement age, they will begin cashing in on their 401k plans which are mostly composed of stocks. This will create mass sell-off in stocks which will drive a stock market crash that may lead to a depression.

However, the GAO determined that there is no reason to worry. It seems that the Boomers generally have failed to save for retirement, so they don't have the stocks necessary for a massive, market-crashing sell-off. What a relief!

Of course, this thinking rests on the proposition that we can count on the boomer generation to be morally courageous enough to avoid the temptation to call for massive increases to Social Security in order to fund the retirements for which they failed to plan. Or that our politicians won't pander to a powerful but irresponsible voting demographic that hopes to get a free ride on the backs of the productive members of society who are less mobilized to vote.

I will stop now, as I need to lay on the floor in the fetal position and weep for a while.

Powerline Style Media Alert VI

JB Doubtless and I will be hosting the Patriot Insider this morning from 9 to 11 AM. You will remember JB as the bomb throwing former co-host of the Northern Alliance. Regular host Mark Yost will be calling in at the beginning of the show.

Tune in at AM 1280 the Patriot.

Lauren Green--The Worst Small-Talker Ever

Like a good conservative, every morning I enjoy the antics of Fox and Friends whilst I peruse the Wall Street Journal. There's a fun element to how they cover stories and it's generally a good program.

But when Minnesota's Lauren Green comes on to read the news--pain. Pain of listening to her stumble over her copy day after day after day. And when it comes to banter, forget about it. She seriously has zero ability to make witty comments at the right moments (or any moments for that matter).

Every other correspondent who comes on can kid with the hosts--Kelly Wright, Megan Kendall, that delicious Molly Henneberg (some headshots of the gals here) but Lauren is so self-conscious I'm actually embarassed for her and often have to turn down the volume.

She is pretty hot though.

But anyway, given Ms. Green's leaden perfomances every morning I was surprised to see a bit about her in today's Strib:

For those who didn't know her from her pageant days, the loosey-goosey Green was a bit of a revelation. "Fox & Friends," the most-watched cable-news morning show, may sometimes resemble an unsupervised detention room, but Green, as the news reader, almost always appears stoic and centered.

"It's easier for me to be the serious one, because that's who I am," said Green.

You're the serious one, eh? The article had just got done saying what a loon she was at the Miss Minnesota beauty contest:

Sitting in the front row for a beauty pageant with "Fox & Friends" news anchor Lauren Green is a lot like watching a baseball game from behind home plate with Johnny Kruk.

It's a hoot.

Throughout the Miss Minnesota ceremonies last month, she hooted for a family friend, grimaced through a poorly chosen piano piece, exalted the merits of the one-piece bikini and was visibly moved during one young woman's vocal performance of Puccini's "Nessun Dorma."

So is she serious or a hoot? Or just a beauty-ful (say in Archie Bunker voice) and talented (she plays piano) woman who probably shouldn't be on TV?

Nihilist in Golf Pants Announces Second Quarter Financial Results

Nihilist in Golf Pants (NIGP) announced today financial results for its second quarter ended June 30, 2006.

................ Second Quarter .... Year to Date
................ 2006 ..... 2005 .. 2006 .... 2005

Revenue ...........$0 ........$0 .... $0 .......$0

Cost of revenue ... 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0

Gross profit ...... 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
Operating
expenses .......... 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
Selling, marketing
and product support 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
General and
Administrative .... 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
Research and
Development ....... 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0

Income from
operations ........ 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
Other income ...... 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
Income before income
Taxes ............. 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
Income taxes ...... 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0
Net income ........ 0 ........ 0 ..... 0 ....... 0

Chief Financial Officer Sisyphus said, “We are pleased to announce our eighth consecutive quarter without a loss, a streak that cannot be matched by the automotive industry, the airline industry, or most of the mainstream media. We attribute our success to the tight cost control measures insisted upon by our Chief Operating Officer, the Nihilist in Golf Pants.”

Chief Operating Officer Nihilist in Golf Pants said, “We hope that our success in achieving our goal of zero expenses and zero revenues will provide an example for local, state, and federal governments.”

Norm!!!!

I hope I'm this spry when I'm in my 80's:

The 81-year-old father of U.S. Sen. Norm Coleman was cited for lewd conduct and indecent exposure Tuesday for allegedly having sex in a vehicle with a 38-year-old woman, according to police reports.

I know a lot of liberals will suggest that it's hypocritical that people like me, who ripped Bill Clinton's sexploits find the elder Coleman's to be humorous. In order to help them understand, I present top 11 reasons the Coleman affair is different from the Clinton affair:

11. The elder Coleman is literally a veteran of the Battle of the Bulge (pun intended).

10. Getting a little action should be considered "Good for St. Paul."

9. Any man who can shag a (legal age) woman 43 years his junior deserves some respect.

8. The elder Coleman proved he was the smartest man the Senator knows by finding a sure fire way to get chicks regardless of his age.

7. The elder Coleman lied to the woman (he must have), not a grand jury.

6. It is reassuring to know there are still some upstanding local women.

5. By all accounts, the woman has more class than Monica Lewinski.

4. The woman couldn't possibly be as beefy or hideous as Hillary.

3. Republicans are always good and Democrats are always bad (just kidding, sort of).

2. The elder Coleman violated a Honda Accord, not the Oval Office.

1. An Arkansas state trooper didn't force Coleman's partner to be there.

You Gotta Love The Fags

Right?

Top 11 Ways That Hugh Hewitt Is Coping With The California Heat Wave

11. Doing the radio show from the wading pool in his back yard.

10. Klondike bars. Cases of Klondike bars.

9. Keeping the freezer door open at home, despite protests from TFMH.

8. Asking for extra ice in his wine spritzers.

7. Whenever he starts overheating, he thinks about his Big Snowmobile Adventure.

6. Temporarily putting aside the Cheetos in favor of Hostess Sno Balls.

5. Hired another intern to fan him in the studio.

4. Asking people if it is hot enough for them.

3. Cool sponge baths from Erwin Chemerinsky.

2. Enjoying an ice cold Michelob ULTRA at a beachside bar while Duane replays hour 1 of the show.

1. He's boldly started rolling up his Dockers above the ankle.

Top 4 Indications That the Star Tribune Will Do Anything to Keep a Republican Governor

4. They’ve spent the last couple of years giving lots of pub to the weakest possible DFL candidate

3. The latest Minnesota Poll doesn't showed Hatch with a huge double digit lead

2. Preparing to run a story that Hatch was the NFL official who refused to call the Drew Pearson push off in the 1975 NFC playoff game against the Vikings

1. Every day for the last month, the solution to the cryptogram has been “REELECT TPAW HE IS THE BEST GOVERNOR EVER”

Top 11 Ways President John F. Kerry Would Have Averted the Lebanon Crisis

11. Kerry would have ferried all of Hezbollah into Cambodia last Christmas Eve

10. Secretary of State Jimmy Carter would have negotiated the release of the Israeli hostages by now

9. Free embroidered berets to all Hezbollah

8. Kerry would have bonded with the Middle East leaders over their common Bush hatred

7. Increased funding for alternative fuel research would have reduced Iran’s oil revenue to the point where they could no longer finance Hezbollah

6. The people of Israel and Lebanon would be too busy windsurfing to fight

5. By withdrawing all US troops from the Middle East, forcing Israel to surrender strategic territory, and receiving non-aggression guarantees from leaders of Hamas, Hezbollah, Syria, and Iran, Kerry would have secured "peace in our time."

4. Kerry would have solved all the Middle East issues with a grand summit at Lambert Field in Green Bay

3. Kerry's threat to visit the region and personally mediate peace talks would have led the parties to rush to an agreement on their own accord

2. Special envoy Al Gore would have convinced both sides that the real enemy was global warming

1. Kerry's support for federal funding of embryonic stem cell research would have resulted in a cure for all hatred and violence

Appease Me

Ever notice how the left often wants to give in to the demands of terrorists in the hopes that they’ll stop being so mean? Me too, and it got me to wondering why they never seem to be willing to appease me. Is it because I’m not a terrorist or criminal? Or maybe it’s just that I’ve never asked to be appeased. To cover that option, here are my top 11 demands:

11. Scarlett Johansson must agree to become my next trophy wife

10. Larry David must agree to start making funny episodes of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” again

9. Ten wins must be knocked off the Detroit Tiger’s record so as to make the American League Central race interesting

8. Drew Pearson and the NFL must acknowledge that Pearson pushed off from Nate Wright in the 1975 NFC playoffs. They must apologize and admit that the Vikings probably would have gone on to win Super Bowl X if not for the cheating

7. The producers of “The OC” must say that the last season was all a dream and that they didn’t really kill off Marissa

6. All this talk about back dated stock options being illegal must stop

5. The NHL must invalidate the Ryan Potulny and Danny Irmen contracts and the NCAA must allow them to return to the Gopher Hockey team

4. Al Gore and Tom Brokaw must stop making pseudo-scientific documentaries

3. Anoka county traffic officials must do a better job of synching the traffic lights on County Road 10

2. Oliver Stone must admit that the Warren commission was absolutely correct and that Lee Harvey Oswald was acting alone

1. Since the French especially love to appease, they must hand over anything I want form the Louvre, anytime I want it

Backdating Options...Or Saving Lives

As I have previously posted, I love stories of law-abiding gun-toting citizens either blasting worthless criminals or stopping them from violent intent. This story via Drudge is a case of the latter.

A knife-wielding grocery store employee attacked eight co-workers Friday, seriously injuring five before a witness pulled a gun and stopped him, police said.

The 21-year-old suspect, whose name was withheld pending charges, was arrested and then taken to a hospital after complaining of chest pains, Memphis Police Sgt. Vince Higgins said. The attack apparently stemmed from a work dispute, police said.

The attacker, chasing one victim into the store's parking lot, was subdued by Chris Cope, manager of a financial services office in the same small shopping center, Higgins said.

Cope said he grabbed a 9mm semiautomatic pistol from his pickup truck when he saw the attacker chasing the victim "like something in a serial killer movie."

"When he turned around and saw my pistol, he threw the knife away, put his hands up and got on the ground," Cope told The Associated Press. "He saw my gun and that was pretty much it."

Absolutely beautiful. A Financial Analyst (normally the dregs of society) pulls a gun and stops a whacko from stabbing more people.

I'm not holding my breath for any headlines like "Gunman Stops Assaults." Gunmen are always bad people.

I Can't Just Leave It There!

I have had it with being intimidated by feral animals. That's twice now that I have been stared down by a deer while on my walk.

It's quite emasculating I have to say.

The first time happened as I was walking on a trail through the woods. At the top of a hill by a clearing was a doe, standing there, intently staring as I approached. Usually beasts like this flee when they see a human coming, but she stood her ground. I stopped. She stamped her hoof (quick aside, reminds me of this scene in Goodfellas with Joe Pesci discussing the supposed deer he hit with his mother:

Mrs. DeVito, Tommy's Mother (Catherine Scorsese): "Where've you been?"
Tommy: "Mom, I've been working nights."
Tommy's Mother: "And?"
Tommy: "And, well, tonight we were out late. We took a ride on the-- out to the country and we hit one of those deers. And that's where all the blood came from. I told you. Jimmy told you before. Anyway, that reminds me, Ma, I need this knife. I'm gonna take this, it's okay?"
Tommy's Mother: "Okay, yeah"
Tommy: "I just need it for a lttle while."
Tommy's Mother: "But bring it back. You know?"
Tommy: "Well, the poor thing, it got-- I hit him and this, uh-- We hit the deer and his paw-- What do you call that?"
Tommy's Mother: "The paw?"
Tommy: "The paw, the..."
Tommy's Mother: "The foot."
Jimmy: "The hoof."
Tommy: "Yeah, the hoof got caught in the grill and I gotta, I gotta hack it off."
Tommy's Mother: "Ooh."
Tommy: "Ah, Ma, it's a sin, I can't leave it there, you know.")

…So she stamped her hoof at me as if to say "Hold it right there pal". I didn't move. We continued the showdown for several more minutes, neither wanting to give any ground. Then in one dramatic move, the deer blew a huge load of snot out of her nose and darted away. Scared the hell out of me.

Last night was similar. This deer stood in the path as I approached and did not move. Time for another showdown. This time I clapped my hands and made yipping noises. Nothing. Finally as defiantly as she could, this one sauntered off into the woods dismissively as though I was no threat whatsoever.

"Maybe I have a gun and could of like shot you or something!" I wanted to yell.

Dumb deers.

What's In A Name?

The Realests have a post up covering college football's "All Name Team." My favorite is the homoerotic in so many ways: Michigan State Tight End Kyle Sackrider (3 ways including Michigan State).

However, one name that can't be found on this year's "All Name Team" is Eastern Illinois Linebacker Lucious Pusey. Like many guys, I've spent what seems like most of my life trying to find Lucious Pusey, mostly to no avail. And why couldn't I find Lucious Pusey on the "All Name Team" this year? Because he legally changed it to Lucious Seymour in the off-season.

My own unusual surname has often led to a slew of unoriginal jokes, but seeing names like these make me happy to be me.

Don't Blame The Lebanese

One unfortunate series of events that has occurred in Israel's righteous quest to eliminate Hezbollah is the fact that innocent Lebanese are being injured in the crossfire.

It is a shame that the terrorists, backed by the Iranians have embedded themselves among the Lebanese. Maybe it's because the Lebanese have such thick facial hair that it's hard to tell a Lebanese person from a typical terrorist.

I may not politically agree with the Lebanese. In fact, I find Rosie O'Donnell an obnoxious venom spewing blabbermouth. And I'm not fond of the music of Melissa Etheridge or the Indigo Girls. However, most Lebanese just want the rights that most people have: freedom to live their lives, fall in love with the person of their own choosing and yes, even get married.

We can only hope that a quick Israeli victory over the terrorists brings a little more normalcy (no offense) to the Lebanese.

Okie Grandma Takes Out The Trash

Another great tale of law-abiding citizens blasting worthless criminals from this month's NRA magazine America's First Freedom:

It seemed odd, even a bit suspicious, when a man knocked on 81-year-old Edna Songer's door twice in one day, the first time claiming to be looking for a dog and the second asking for a glass of water.

Police say that when the man returned for a third time, Songer tucked away a .25 caliber pistol and went to the door, where she saw the man and an accomplice jerking on her screen door until it's latch hook came out.

Both men were dressed in camouflage and one had a roll of duct tape. Songer shot through the screen door, causing both men to flee.

Hugo Daily News, Hugo OK 5/19/2006

A little disappointing there at the end that the bullets didn't make contact with criminal flesh, but a good story nontheless.

Peace In Our Time

Learned Foot and I have agreed to a cease fire in The Great Cheese War of ’06. The long MOB nightmare is now over.

How Can I Have Any Pudding?

I sat down to dinner last night and my wife handed me a hot steaming bowl of pasta with vodka cream sauce. "Hot damn!" I thought "This is gonna be some good eatin' tonight" (I tend to drop my G's when I get excited about food.) She also laid out a platter of garlic bread and some fresh green beans. Oh, and cheese. Parmesean of the grated variety.

I kind of sat there for a minute looking around the table, then looking into the kitchen to see if she had forgotten something.

"Where's the meat?" I asked, thinking she was playing some kind of evil trick on her very hungry husband. "There isn't any" she came back.

The words froze, suspended over the kitchen table. No meat. There would be no meat in this meal. I smiled a fey smile trying to hide my utter dissapointment. No meat. There would be no meat.

St. Foot the Martyr

The Matt Entenza of the local blogosphere is threatening to quit again because finally a principled blogger has stood up to his Wisconsin sharp cheddar rantings. I say good riddance to you and your cheddar-headed supporters who are supposedly leaving comments and sending e-mails urging you to stay (although there are no comments on the “Woe is Me” post as I write this). If you can’t stand the heat, maybe you should get out of the cheesery.

Foot shows how unprincipled his defense of Wisconsin sharp cheddar is by his comments on the best of all cheeses, Gorgonzola. He says “Gorgonzola's barely even a cheese; it's a salad topping.” Well, Entenza, just because a cheese is quite tasty on a salad doesn’t make it any less of a cheese. In fact, most would chock that up as a point in its favor.

What good is the American cheese industry if it abandons its principles or can’t make a decent Gorgonzola? In this case, it doesn’t make a lick of difference whether we’re eating Wisconsin cheese or foreign cheese.

Oh and why should I have to go find you and tell you this to your face? You know where to find me on Thursday nights if you want hear this to your face.

You can read me speaking Principle to Cheddar in the comments to this post , this post, and this post. This is all I intend to say on this matter.

You may leave messages in the comments praising my principles.

UPDATE: It probably was a mistake for me to post this; it has really driven Foot off the deep end. I wrote it to let off some steam, but I should have left it in the draft folder. I apologize, but you have to admit that everything in it is absolutely true. Except maybe comparing Foot to a martyr as martyrs usually have and follow principles. I now consider this matter closed.

Salutations and Death Wishes

I read on Powerline that some guy named Joel Mowbray is heading to one of the cities the Hezz-bullah (I've seen it spelled 3 ways so why not one more?) has been constantly rocketing.

As I have been the past day and a half, I am traveling with 8 visiting European journalists. They came here for what was supposed to be an informative, but war-free, tour of this tiny nation hosted by Knowing Israel, a brand new media support group. Most of the journalists have agreed to go to this town ravaged by Hezbollah.

I'm not sure what this says about journalists, but we are the only civilians racing to the site of repeated rocket attacks.

Sorry, this is just plain dumb. Risking your life for some hazy Quest For Truth is reckless and irresponsible, especially if you have a family. How would you explain to your kid that you died because you were out seeking fame and celebrity? Yes, it worked for Gunga Dan with his flak jacket reports from Vietnam, but maybe you won't be so lucky.

It's one thing if you are a soldier and it's your job to go into a war zone and kick some terrorist ass, but going in willingly as a civilian? Makes you wonder if they have a death wish.

I just wish a guy like Nick Coleman would be more interested in finding The Truth over there.

Top 11 Indications That Castro May Die Soon

11. Recent heat wave may well be Hell opening its doors for him

10. The C.I.A hasn’t been trying to kill him lately

9. Castro’s last speech was only two hours long instead of his usual eight

8. Matt Entenza has hired private investigators to do opposition research on Fidel’s other possible successors

7. Ted Turner and Steven Spielberg are always down in the dumps when they get off the phone with Havana

6. After eight decades of constant exposure to deadly secondhand smoke, he’s got to be about ready to drop dead

5. The latest Minnesota Poll reports that 52% of Minnesotans think Castro will live forever

4. Joe Wilson has gone to Havana and found no evidence that Castro is dead

3. Castro’s arteries have to be totally clogged from the two pounds of Wisconsin sharp cheddar he eats every day

2. Karl Rove would like to see another liberal icon bite the dust so that the Democrats will embarrass themselves with yet another tasteless funeral/political rally

1. Fidel has been spending a lot of time in North Minneapolis lately

And Then's There's Cheyenne!

I had to babysit for a while on Saturday. Considering it was 100 degrees outside I didn't mind much (doesn't mean I didn't grumble somewhat though).

I had the TV on in the background and flicked over to MTV. Who is the young blonde with the guitar? Hmmm...She's got a tour bus too. And she writes her own music? After a while I realized I had a new favorite reality show CHEYENNE, the eponymously named program of Cheyenne Nichole Kimball formerly America's Most Talented Kid.

The show is typical MTV fodder showing Cheyenne going through her days as The Next Big Thing. My favorite scene so far was when she was pouting because she didn't like the video idea the record company had come up with.

Her mother told her that she was too green to call the shots yet and that it was her job to write good songs and perform (good advice mom). Cheyenne shot back "My job is to be an artist mom!" and began sobbing.

It was classic. A sixteen-year-old "artist." So tune in, Wednesdays at 9:30.

Top 11 Cheeses

11. Swiss
10. Asiago
9. American
8. Monterrey Jack
7. Feta
6. Parmesan (most versatile cheese)
5. Provolone
4. Mozzarella (number one on pizza)
3. California Cheddar
2. Colby
1. Gorgonzola

Note to Foot: Gorgonzola is an Italian cheese, not Dutch.

There He Goes Again

Is anyone else getting a little tired of Learned Foot’s “Oh everything from Wisconsin is so great” act?

Living so close to the Wisconsin border, we’re used to hearing the delusional rantings of certain Wisconsonites: “Oh, the Packers are the best football team ever”. “Oh, Lambeau Field is the bestest field in the whole wide world”. “Oh, Packer fans are the bestest fans in the NFL”. “Oh, the Badger hockey team doesn’t suck”. Now Foot takes things too far: He’s claiming that Wisconsin sharp cheddar is the best cheese.

Sure, if I were to serve an array of cheeses with crackers at a party, cheddar would be among the most popular. But so would swiss and colby. And few, if any, would care where the cheddar was made. I, unlike Foot, follow my principles when choosing a cheese and my principles demand that I evaluate cheeses on merit, not geography. Wisconsin sharp cheddar doesn’t merit a Ritz cracker.

Both of my parents are originally from Wisconsin. My Mom grew up in the shadow Camp Randall stadium. My Dad grew up on a Wisconsin dairy farm that supplied cheese makers.

Everything above is true and more. I could play the Wisconsin card too, but (a) my parents moved to Minnesota before I was born, (b) even my Dad realizes that there is plenty of good cheese other than Wisconsin sharp cheddar, and (c) the fact that a cheese is produced in the state you grew up in is a poor criteria for choosing a cheese (and ALL cheese makes you want to swig a beer, not just Wisconsin sharp cheddar).

I’ve probably devoted more time and space to Foot’s cheese of choice than it deserves, but you have to admit, everything I’ve just written is absolutely right and correct, as always.

Unless some unforeseen residual issue pops up, this is all I intend to say on the matter.

Future Planetary Separated At Birth?

The incredibly over-rated scientist, Stephen Hawking, has suggested in a speech in Beijing that the Earth “might end up like Venus, at 250 degrees centigrade and raining sulfuric acid.”

Uh, no it won’t. Venus is indeed an extreme example of the greenhouse effect. It has a mean surface temperature of over 450 C – hotter than the surface of Mercury – despite being further from the sun than the Mercury. The primary difference is that Venus’ atmosphere is 96.5% carbon dioxide while the Earth’s is 0.053%.

How much would we have to drive our H2s to get to 96.5%? Let’s do the calculation:

The mean mass of the Earth’s atmosphere is 5.148 x 10¹⁸ kg, to get to 96.5%, we would need to add 4.965 x 10¹⁸ kg of CO_{2 (assuming we are replacing the same amount of other gasses).}

So how much gasoline would we have to burn to produce that much CO₂? The rule of thumb is that one gallon of gasoline produces about 9.1 kgs of CO₂, so to reach a Venus-like concentration of greenhouse gasses we must burn 5.5 x10¹⁷ gallons.

To burn this much gas, every man, woman and child in the world would have to make more than 1700 round trips to the moon and back in an H2 – assuming that you could build that many H2s, that there were a road to the moon, and that all of the CO₂ would go into the Earth’s atmosphere. (other assumptions in the calculation: 10 mpg for an H2, 6.7 billion people on Earth, 238,758 miles between the Earth and Moon)

Unfortunately there is not nearly enough oil on the Earth for this much driving; the largest estimate I can find is 1.19 x 10¹² barrels, or roughly 5 x 10¹³ gallons of gasoline. Thus, we would need to come up with 10,000 times more oil than we have to produce a Venus-like atmosphere. Maybe we can make up the difference with ethanol.

Of course, the previous calculation is largely bullshit, but then so is most of the work by the global warming “experts”. I will leave you with a quote from my favorite physicist, Richard Feynman:

“Learn from science that you must doubt the experts. As a matter of fact, I can also define science another way: Science is the belief in the ignorance of experts."

Speaking Of Wussy Moves...

Blender magazine has released their list of the top wussy rock acts:

10. Hilary Duff
9. Chris Martin
8. Babyface
7. Rascal Flatts
6. Kenny G
5. Peter Cetera
4. Boyz II Men
3. Dan Folgelberg
2. Nick Lachey
1. James Taylor

Chicks by definition can't be wusses, so Hilary shouldn't be on there (plus, she's pretty hot) but it's hard to argue against "Sweet Baby" James as the number one wuss of all time. Plus, he's a leftist so it feels good to beat up on him. You normally don't think of smack junkies as wussy singer-songwriter types, but I guess he had some big bills to pay.

The list of songs is pretty good too:

Air Supply/All Out of Love

James Blunt/You're Beautiful

Debby Boone/You Light Up My Life

Bread/If

Captain & Tennille/Muskrat Love

Chicago/You're the Inspiration

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young/Our House

Dan Fogelberg/Longer

Taylor Hicks/Do I Make You Proud

Dan Hill/Sometimes When We Touch

Michael Jackson/She's Out of My Life

Loggins & Messina/Danny's Song

'N Sync/God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You

Lionel Richie/Hello

Simon & Garfunkel/Scarborough Fair

Stevie Wonder/I Just Called to Say I Love You

Our House takes top honors from this list in my book. The melody alone is enough to put me into epileptic fits and the lyrics sound like they were written by one of Neil Young's kids (what kind of person has two cats anyway?).

And Not Even Have the Common Courtesy

Israel's limited response to rocket attacks of their Northern border reminds me of one my favorite lines from Full Metal Jacket.

Private Joker comes upon Private Pyle in the bathroom as he is casually loading his M-14.

He tries to talk him down but Gunnery Sargeant Hartman bursts in and screams at Joker:

"PRIVATE JOKER WHY ARE YOU NOT STOMPING PRIVATE PYLE'S GUTS IN?"

The Markets Have Spoken (And We’re Winning)

As long time readers know, on George W. Bush’s second inaugural day, I made a small purchase of Halliburton stock (100,000 shares at $41.62). That investment has been everything I hoped it would be. Despite recently losing a big Army contract (what’s up with that Rummy?) Halliburton is still up over 70.

This got me wondering about what kind of investment I would have made if I were a lefty rooting for Bush to fail. What would be the ideal blue-state stock investment? The answer is obvious: The New York Times Company.

If you listen to the lefties, you’d think everything was going there way in the Bush second term. But what do the markets say? In the chart below, we compare the performances of the quintessential red-state stock with the quintessential blue-state stock:

Halliburton up 77.2%, New York Times Company down 39%. Maybe harming national security doesn’t pay as well as they thought.

Top 11 Changes At Fraterslibertas

Apparently Fraterslibertas is undergoing a diversity push. There are other changes afoot too. Here are the Top 11:

11. In depth series of posts on pros/cons of tampons vs. pads

10. Occasional days with no posting because the staff is having a good cry

09. Juicy Juice vs. Capri Sun debate will be ended once and for good

08. Elder will cancel his subscription to the WSJ and replace it with US Weekly

07. Beer ratings removed and replaced with non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice ratings

06. Background now rainbow

05. Mandatory Monday meetings now held to discuss their feelings

04. Kathy Rigby named patron saint of blog

03. Oodles of posts about being worried about looking fat

02. "Simpsons" and "Seinfeld" references replaced by "Will & Grace" and "Mad About You" references

01. Atomizer no longer considered "the girliest Frater"

SISYPHUS ADDS: The results are in as to our reader’s opinion on the identity of new Fraters Libertas contributor “la bimba”. By a narrow margin (35%-30%) Paris Hilton edges the feminine side of JB Doubtless. Katie from Yucky Salad with Bones came in a distant third, so she is probably not “la bimba”.

Top 11 Changes At Guantanamo Bay As A result Of The Hamdan Decision

11. Detainees to be provided with cell phones with Eric Lichtblau and James Risen on the speed dial

10. Jack Bauer banned from ever setting foot on the base

9. If detainees waive their right to military trial, their disputes can be adjudicated in the People's Court

8. All interrogations must be conducted by Dan Rather

7. During the summer guards prohibited from asking prisoners, "Hot enough for you?"

6. Congressional inspections not allowed during detainee nap time

5. Warden suggesting use of wooden chairs when prisoners can't find a partner to dance with, declared cruel and unusual

4. Every detainee receives a New York Times subscription at government expense

3. Giant posters of Justice John Paul Stevens will be hung around the camp to inspire the detainees

2. During soccer matches, an automatic red card for anyone calling another player a "dirty terrorist"

1. Detainees will be given regular status reports on Paris Hilton's attempt to remain celibate for one year

Something We All Can Agree On

In the game of life, there are certain situations without winners. Nuclear war, as Ronald Reagan put it, "cannot be won and must never be fought."

The concept of hell is so horrific that no one could ever want to experience it.

And the television show "The View" is so unwatchable in its horror that it ranks right up there as something humanity should never experience.

That's why in a bipartisan poll, 87% of NIGP readers said they didn't care who was at fault in "The View" feud between Star Jones and Rosie O'Donnell. A supermajority of our readers just want the entire cast slaughtered like pigs.

Normally I wouldn't endorse senseless violence, but this is "The View" that we're talking about. Like going back in time to drown baby Hitler in a bathtub, we know that the elimination of "The View" would benefit humanity. And that's not me talking, that's 87% of our readers.

If We Were The Right Wing Equivalent Of Democratic Underground …

Sometimes it is fun to pretend to be the right-wing equivalent of a left-wing moonbat:

What was the real reason for this seemingly self-defeating Josama Bin Biden quote?

"I've had a great relationship. In Delaware, the largest growth in population is Indian-Americans moving from India. You cannot go to a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."

Could it be that Bin Biden was signaling his India Al-Qaeda cell to strike on 7-Eleven?

Minnesota Landscape Arboretum Exposed

I spent Friday at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum. It really is a beautiful place with wonderful waterfalls:

Elegant fountains:

Flower bed after flower bed:

The acres and acres of perfectly manicured landscape are enough to give the casual gardener a major inferiority complex. But then I stumbled upon an area that the arboretum folks don’t want you to see:

Oh, the humanity! Even my garden (usually) looks better than this.

Top 11 Questions/Issues That Make Me Dislike Superman

Bear in mind, I haven't yet seen "Superman Returns." However, there are a bunch of issues that make me dislike the whole concept of Superman.

11. The new movie replaces the saying that Superman fights for, "truth, justice and the American way," with, "truth, justice and all that stuff."

10. This web site has chronicled hundreds of instances where Superman is a dick.

9. Why would coming into contact with a piece of his home planet weaken him? And why would a yellow sun give him all sorts of powers? Superman seems like some kind of environmentalist wacko.

8. Why can't anyone (especially Lois Lane) tell that Superman is Clark Kent, when the only difference between the two is a pair of glasses?

7. Is he really all that brave in fighting criminals when he knows he cannot be injured? If Batman gets shot in the face, it's over. That's why Batman never hunts with Dick Cheney For Superman, getting shot in the face wouldn't even muss his hair.

6. Newton's first law of physics regarding inertia and motion is repeatedly violated in Superman. For example, villains with super strength often toss a bus full of people at Superman. Each time he safely catches the bus. In reality it would not matter how strong Superman is. A bus weighing several tons and moving at a defined rate of speed could not be caught by a man weighing approximately 200 lbs. The force from the bus would throw Superman back as he tries to catch it at nearly the same rate of speed that it came at him.

5. Why doesn't Lex Luthor just imbed some Kryptonite shavings into a lead bullet and shoot Superman?

4. Clark Kent and Lois are part of the liberal main stream media.

3. Why does Superman need a secret identity? Or a job?

2. What is Superman's method of propulsion in flight? Does this guy eat a lot of beans?

1. I'm pretty sure that if you don't have kids, are obviously not pregnant, and then suddenly show up everywhere with a baby that social services would be at your door asking a lot of questions.

The Top 11 Events That "The Hoff" Has Been Barred from Attending Because He Was Steaming Drunk

11. Wimbeldon

10. Last Friday's comic book swap at Jasperwood with Hugh Hewitt

9. His weekly scrapbooking club

8. The Yearly Kos Convention in Las Vegas

7. His weekly bikini waxing

6. Prairie Home Companion taping

5. Defensive shaving class

4. Scheduled interview for "I love the '90s" segment

3. The red carpet premier of "The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie"

2. The NASCAR Craftsman Truck Series at Talladega

1. Scotch Tasting Night at Keegan's Irish Pub

Rock Solid in the Blogosphere for Spring 2006

I founded the Rock Solid in the Blogosphere award nearly one year ago to help bridge the awards disparity between the MSM and blogosphere. Every quarter I recognize the blogger who has produced the rock solidest work over the previous three months. Unlike most MSM awards, hating Bush and harming American national security are actually detriments to winning a Rock Solid.

As usual, there were many fine nominees, but the choice was pretty easy. The Spring 2006 Rock Solid in the Blogosphere goes to … Mary Katharine Ham!

When M-Kat first joined Hugh Hewitt’s blog, many of us said: “Hugh doesn’t need a co-blogger”. But it didn’t take long for readers to search out the M-Kat posts. When we read her posts we more often than not say: “That’s obviously true!” M-Kat has also shown an aptitude for digging deep into the archives of quality blogs to come up with gems. For example, she brought to her reader’s attention our Top 11 list on Rick Monday’s flag rescue several weeks after we posted it.

Now with the new townhall.com, M-Kat has her own separate blog, so it will no longer be necessary to sift through Hugh Hewitt posts to get to her insights.

Adding to the prestige of this quarter’s Rock Solid (if it is possible to add to its prestige) is the high quality of the other nominees. These include J-Pod and Jonah Goldberg of The Corner, Katie from Yucky Salad with Bones, Craig Westover, and of course Kevin Ecker.

Congratulations, M-Kat and enjoy your three month reign!

Top 11 Reasons to Attend Keegan's Scotch and Cigar Night

Tomorrow night promises to be the highlight of the summer dark liquor drinking season with the Keegan's Scotch and Cigar night extravaganza. Premium scotches provided by Keegan's Pub, fine cigars provided by St. Croix Cigars, and a led discussion by recognized experts in the field (and no, that doesn't mean the Atomizer). It all starts at 7 PM at Keegan's. No reservations required, just come on down!

For those few of you still on the fence, we present the Top 11 Reasons to Attend Keegan's Scotch and Cigar Night:

11) To hear bar manager Marty Newton attempt to pronounce the word "Glenmorangie"

10) To hear bar manager Marty Newton attempt to pronounce the word "scotch"

9) No risk of running into dyspeptic local blogger Learned Foot

8) Bar management very tolerant of alternative lifestyles

7) Keegan's has the best looking waitresses this side of the Edinburgh Hooters

6) It beats Schlitz and Marlboro Lights Night at Irv's Bar

5) To hear Chad the Elder use words like "strong mouth feel"

4) James Lileks promises to do his Scottie from Star Trek imitation all night along

3) The post-tasting "Braveheart" reenactment in the parking lot where Marty Newton is drawn and quartered is worth the price of admission all by itself

2) Mitch Berg's tribute to Bruce Springsteen on the bag pipes

1) With all those Scotsmen in attendance, it's a rare opportunity to see Niihlist in Golfpants when he's not the cheapest SOB in the room

Top 11 Reasons Ken Lay Died

11. Had heart attack in order to prove he actually had a heart

10. Frustrated to death by inability to access Hugh Hewitt's new web site of July 4

9. Determined to keep his promise that the feds would never take him alive

8. Eager to find out what hell is like

7. Had no reason to live after finding out that the feds had denied his furlough to attend Keegan's Scotch Tasting

6. Dreamed that after his death all the people who said mean things about him would feel really bad

5. Would rather die than date a 350 lb. convict nicknamed "Beast"

4. His heart literally broke when he discovered he wasn't really a guest on The Patriot Insider, hosted by the Nihilist

3. Karl Rove made his death look like an accident out of fear that Ken would let on who was really behind Enron

2. Followed doctors orders for diet and exercise about as well as he followed SEC rules for financial reporting and disclosure

1. Shocked to death when he realized that as a felon his political interests were best represented by Democrats

Top 11 Explanations For North Korea’s Failed Missile Test

11. The New York Times article they got the plans from was written by Jason Blair

10. Ox dung is less effective as a rocket fuel than they thought

9. The test wasn’t a failure – they were aiming for the whale that had bitten off their leg

8. You try to design a rocket on 300 calories a day

7. Kim Jong-Il insisted they replace the body of the rocket with a statue of him

6. They’re trying to trick the world into thinking they suck at building ICBMs

5. Guidance computer was from a 1980’s Atari video game

4. Still haven’t gotten over the death of Marissa on “The O.C.”

3. They executed all of their experienced rocket scientists after the last failed test

2. Engineers were having trouble filling out their TPS Reports

1. Kim made them launch before they were ready because he was upset that Bush didn’t take him to Graceland with the Japanese Prime Minister

Judy Whalen Meet Alanis Morissette

Picking on people who write letters to the editors is like shooting fish in a barrel. With a howitzer. But sometimes, you just can't resist as in the case of this letter to the editor from Monday's Strib:

On the same day Vice President Dick Cheney was at an estate near Lake Minnetonka to raise money for Michele Bachmann, the Republican candidate for the Sixth District seat in the U.S. House, Bachmann's Democratic opponent, Patty Wetterling, was at a get-acquainted party at a townhouse in Woodbury.

Everyone present could have their picture taken with Wetterling at her event, while those at the Bachmann fundraiser needed to contribute $1,000 to get a picture taken with Cheney.

What irony!

JUDY WHALEN, WOODBURY

Yeah Judy, that's real ironic. About as freakin' ironic as rain on your wedding day.

Top 11 New Slogans For The New York Times

11. ALL THE NEWS THAT EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT ANYWAY

10. ABOVE THE LAW SINCE 1789

9. IF YOU ARE A TERRORIST PLEASE DON’T READ THIS

8. LIKE DAILY KOS WITHOUT THE F-WORD

7. SOMEONE PLEASE GO ON A DATE WITH MAUREEN DOWD BEFORE SHE DRIVES US ALL TOTALLY NUTS

6. AT LEAST WE’RE NOT SUBSIDIZED BY THE TAX PAYER LIKE NPR AND THE C.I.A.

5. HEY, WE COMFORT THE AFFLICTED AND YOU’VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT AL-QAEDA IS PRETTY AFFLICTED

4. HEY, WE AFFLICT THE COMFORTABLE AND YOU’VE GOT TO ADMIT THAT AMERICA IS PRETTY COMFORTABLE

3. IT’S MEAN AND HURTS OUR FEELINGS WHEN WE ARE CALLED AL-NEW YORK TIMES

2. AT LEAST WE DON’T GAMBLE OR TAKE VIAGRA LIKE CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE WE COULD MENTION

1. FOR EVERY CANCELLED SUBSCRIPTION WE’RE GIVING TWO FREE ONES TO AL-QAEDA

Two To Avoid

I've neglected to post my latest two movie reviews from the last two weeks of The Patriot Insider so here goes:

"The Breakup" - Vince Vaughan plays his one character, who is pretty funny but hardly the basis for another movie. Jennifer Antison gives her usual flat performance. The supporting cast doesn't add anything. A supposed comedy gets way too serious. Rating - Double Bogey

"A Prairie Home Companion" - Garrison Keillor and a star studded cast bore me to death. I don't get this movie at all. I must be missing something. The music is OK, but the story is cliched and dull. Did I mention that the villain in this film is a big heartless corporation? Rating - Four over Par.

Advice To The Minnesota GOP

The Minnesota GOP just doesn't get it sometimes. Their web site currently contains a bunch of negative campaigning, including this Top Ten Things Missing From Lobbyist Amy Klobuchar's Campaign Website.

Now, I'm not upset at all about negative campaigning. Highlighting the difference between your candidate and their opponent includes both the positive things about you and the negative about them.

However, this is Minnesota and the Right Wing Blogosphere has established that conservatives use Top 11 lists, not top 10 lists. I am not bragging. Even though this phenomenon began here at Nihilist In Golf Pants, I had nothing to do with it. It was all Sisyphus' idea. However, it is now a well established fact and our local Republicans would do well to embrace it.

So in the interest of helping them out I will add an eleventh item to their list of things missing from Amy Klobuchar's Campaign Website:

11. An attractive picture of Amy

I'm So Excited

The number one complaint I get when I meet readers of this blog is that I shouldn't have NDNation on my top 11 blog roll. Technically it is a message board, but my blogroll represents who I'm reading. Invariably, the complaint comes from someone who thinks their blog should replace NDNation.

I usually tell these jackholes the following:

Look bud, NDNation contains several different message boards that features comments from people who are predominantly Notre Dame alumni. Rock's House addresses Irish Football, which I care passionately about. But the real value to a non-ND related audience is the Back Room, which contains interesting comments from a variety of perspectives on the issues of the day. It should be a daily read for any intelligent person.

To back up my point, this Youtube clip was posted in the Back Room today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljtuGoIIKGs&eurl

The clip is only 22 seconds and I strongly recommend that you check it out.