Sunday, July 09, 2006

Top 11 Questions/Issues That Make Me Dislike Superman

Bear in mind, I haven't yet seen "Superman Returns." However, there are a bunch of issues that make me dislike the whole concept of Superman.

11. The new movie replaces the saying that Superman fights for, "truth, justice and the American way," with, "truth, justice and all that stuff."

10. This web site has chronicled hundreds of instances where Superman is a dick.

9. Why would coming into contact with a piece of his home planet weaken him? And why would a yellow sun give him all sorts of powers? Superman seems like some kind of environmentalist wacko.

8. Why can't anyone (especially Lois Lane) tell that Superman is Clark Kent, when the only difference between the two is a pair of glasses?

7. Is he really all that brave in fighting criminals when he knows he cannot be injured? If Batman gets shot in the face, it's over. That's why Batman never hunts with Dick Cheney For Superman, getting shot in the face wouldn't even muss his hair.

6. Newton's first law of physics regarding inertia and motion is repeatedly violated in Superman. For example, villains with super strength often toss a bus full of people at Superman. Each time he safely catches the bus. In reality it would not matter how strong Superman is. A bus weighing several tons and moving at a defined rate of speed could not be caught by a man weighing approximately 200 lbs. The force from the bus would throw Superman back as he tries to catch it at nearly the same rate of speed that it came at him.

5. Why doesn't Lex Luthor just imbed some Kryptonite shavings into a lead bullet and shoot Superman?

4. Clark Kent and Lois are part of the liberal main stream media.

3. Why does Superman need a secret identity? Or a job?

2. What is Superman's method of propulsion in flight? Does this guy eat a lot of beans?

1. I'm pretty sure that if you don't have kids, are obviously not pregnant, and then suddenly show up everywhere with a baby that social services would be at your door asking a lot of questions.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

#6 is no good. If Superman has enough muscle power (which is presumed), he need only push the bus, as it flies towards him, with the same amount of force that the bus exerts on him.

The real problem is that all the people in the bus would go flying into the walls and die. That is if they aren't wearing their safety belts. If they are, they would suffer massive internal injuries (dying soon thereafter), or be sliced in half (dying very soon thereafter).

Superman should realize this, forgo placing the bus gently on the ground, and throw it (still filled with dead and dying humans) back at his nemesis.

Other than that, you’re right, Superman sucks big time.

6:59 PM  
Blogger Gary Matthew Miller said...

You joyless fuck! The movie was great.

10:05 AM  

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