Top 11 Reasons Ken Lay Died

11. Had heart attack in order to prove he actually had a heart

10. Frustrated to death by inability to access Hugh Hewitt's new web site of July 4

9. Determined to keep his promise that the feds would never take him alive

8. Eager to find out what hell is like

7. Had no reason to live after finding out that the feds had denied his furlough to attend Keegan's Scotch Tasting

6. Dreamed that after his death all the people who said mean things about him would feel really bad

5. Would rather die than date a 350 lb. convict nicknamed "Beast"

4. His heart literally broke when he discovered he wasn't really a guest on The Patriot Insider, hosted by the Nihilist

3. Karl Rove made his death look like an accident out of fear that Ken would let on who was really behind Enron

2. Followed doctors orders for diet and exercise about as well as he followed SEC rules for financial reporting and disclosure

1. Shocked to death when he realized that as a felon his political interests were best represented by Democrats