Top 11 Changes At Guantanamo Bay As A result Of The Hamdan Decision

11. Detainees to be provided with cell phones with Eric Lichtblau and James Risen on the speed dial

10. Jack Bauer banned from ever setting foot on the base

9. If detainees waive their right to military trial, their disputes can be adjudicated in the People's Court

8. All interrogations must be conducted by Dan Rather

7. During the summer guards prohibited from asking prisoners, "Hot enough for you?"

6. Congressional inspections not allowed during detainee nap time

5. Warden suggesting use of wooden chairs when prisoners can't find a partner to dance with, declared cruel and unusual

4. Every detainee receives a New York Times subscription at government expense

3. Giant posters of Justice John Paul Stevens will be hung around the camp to inspire the detainees

2. During soccer matches, an automatic red card for anyone calling another player a "dirty terrorist"

1. Detainees will be given regular status reports on Paris Hilton's attempt to remain celibate for one year