Top 11 Ways President John F. Kerry Would Have Averted the Lebanon Crisis

11. Kerry would have ferried all of Hezbollah into Cambodia last Christmas Eve

10. Secretary of State Jimmy Carter would have negotiated the release of the Israeli hostages by now

9. Free embroidered berets to all Hezbollah

8. Kerry would have bonded with the Middle East leaders over their common Bush hatred

7. Increased funding for alternative fuel research would have reduced Iran’s oil revenue to the point where they could no longer finance Hezbollah

6. The people of Israel and Lebanon would be too busy windsurfing to fight

5. By withdrawing all US troops from the Middle East, forcing Israel to surrender strategic territory, and receiving non-aggression guarantees from leaders of Hamas, Hezbollah, Syria, and Iran, Kerry would have secured "peace in our time."

4. Kerry would have solved all the Middle East issues with a grand summit at Lambert Field in Green Bay

3. Kerry's threat to visit the region and personally mediate peace talks would have led the parties to rush to an agreement on their own accord

2. Special envoy Al Gore would have convinced both sides that the real enemy was global warming

1. Kerry's support for federal funding of embryonic stem cell research would have resulted in a cure for all hatred and violence