Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?

People have been asking why I haven't posted lately. Sisyphus has been doing a bang-up job and the Misanthropic Frat Boy has been on a roll too. So I suppose it could reasonably be assumed that I am taking an Atomizer/St. Paul/JB Doubtless-like hiatus and leaving the hard work of blogging to others. But that couldn't be further from the truth. While the rest of the guys are cranking out the humor, I am knee deep in serious research.

After reading this wonderful column by Kate Parry about the magical pixies who hold the fate of the world in their hands - the undecided voters, I decided to undertake a similar survey. Now I might not have the scholarly backing of a premier educational institution such as Stetson University behind me, but I spent the past week doing what journalistic paragon Kate Parry would do, interviewing undecided voters. Here are some of the people that I found:

Ricky Mandell, 19, is an unemployed voter living in New Brighton. He plans to vote because his parents will kick him out of their home if he doesn't begin to act like an adult. When asked which issues were important to him he was unable to form a coherent thought. When I explained a wide range of issues to him, he expressed interest in the hidden sex video game in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and was shocked to learn that the US Congress would be debating the Truth in Videogames Act, sponsored by Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), which would require the ESRB video game rating service to play through the entirety of any game they rate.

Agnes Risdahl, 64, is a St. Cloud widow recently emerged from a 6 month long coma after severe head trauma from a car accident. Her 34 year-old daughter Maria claims Agnes used to regularly vote, but couldn't remember which party she favored. Since Agnes cannot walk or speak, she was unable to express her preference.

Bob Pohlad is a fifty-something executive. In the late 1960's he was a hippie, but today he is a businessman. He comes from a family worth billions. There are many reasons that he is undecided. "I am prepared to support the candidates that will offer unrestricted access to me, both with my vote, but also more importantly with campaign contributions." He has spent the last few years greasing the palms of officials in both parties to obtain a large piece of government welfare for his family business. He also feels that being undecided gives him credibility when publicly posturing to get your taxes raised.

Eric Brown, 38, lives in St. Paul and is in a support group for compulsive liars. He says he likes debates and is turned off by attack ads.

In order to serve these and other key undecided voters, we at NIGP will learn from Kate Parry's chosen approach. We will regurgitate DFL talking points as gospel truth and chastise Republicans for negative campaigning whenever they attempt to make a salient point. We will tailor our coverage to gently move these heroic undecideds to the left where they belong.

Top 11 Dustin Diamond Sex Acts Caught On Tape Besides The Dirty Sanchez

Porn star's name may ring a 'Bell'

11. Good Morning Miss Bliss

10. The Clean Klobuchar

9. The Zach Attack

8. The Kerry Flip Flop

7. The Slater Sling

6. The Raunchy Rybak

5.. Hawaiian Style

4. The Obama Slama

3. The Screecharound

2. The Norm Coleman Sr. Savoy Special Delivery

1. The Stinky Belding

Top 11 Things For Hugh Hewitt To Do In The Twin Cities During The 2008 GOP Convention

Hugh Hewitt has been complaining that there's nothing to do in the Twin Cities. Given Hugh's rather limited daily schedule, he insists on having dinner at 4pm and being in bed no later than 8:30pm, it is a bit of a challenge to come up with appropriate activities for someone of his advanced years. But to show our generous hospitality we have managed to compile a list sure to keep Mr. Hewitt occupied.

11. Take a tour bus to Mystic Lake Casino

10. See the Twins 2006 and 2007 World Series trophies

9. Lunch with other rich Republicans fat cats at Interlachen Golf Club

8. Get his pacemaker tuned up at Medtronic

7. Take a tour of General Mills and stock up on free samples of some of his favorite brands

6. Beg for a lifetime achievement award from the Pavek Museum of Broadcasting Hall of Fame

5. Visit Keegan's Irish Pub to get beaten down in trivia yet again

4. Visit North Minneapolis for a more literal beat down

3. Compare grey hairs with Rudy Boschwitz

2. Host "Support The Administration No Matter What" rally with Power Line and Cap'n Ed

1. Attend a matinee performance of We Gotta Bingo at the Lowry Theater in St. Paul

Top 11 Reasons the GOP Has Chosen To Hold Its 2008 National Convention In The Twin Cities

11. Out of deference to Keith Ellison, jihadists less likely to nuke it

10. Delegates want a chance to see the spot where Mary Tyler Moore threw her hat into the air during the opening credits of the Mary Tyler Moore Show

9. If the convention is deadlocked, T-PAW is just down the street

8. More convenient for the candidates to do interviews with NARN

7. Chris Coleman and RT Rybak made such a cute couple that they just couldn't say no.

6. The poor quality of Twin Cities liberal bloggers means that there is little chance of them having any impact on the convention

5. Commentators can point out that the Mary Tyler Moore show was set in Minneapolis and that the GOP would like to capture the Mary Richards vote

4. GOP wanted to give the Twin Cities a chance to make up for that 1892 nomination of Benjamin Harrison

3. The stripper situation has improved considerably since the Vikings had to import strippers from Georgia for their boat cruise

2. Wanted a chance to thank Walter Mondale for all he’s done to strengthen the Republican Party

1. Hell was booked solid and despite rumors to the contrary, Cleveland in fact does not rock, it sucks

Top 11 Revelations In The Recently Declassified National Intelligence Estimate

The President recently declassified the National Intelligence Estimate (NIE). As a public service, the crack staff here at NIGP has sifted through the boring stuff to bring you its top 11 revelations:

11. The Iraq War is directly responsible for a drastic increase in unhinged Moonbats

10. John Kerry would have handled foreign policy way better than Bush

9. Voting for Democrats makes you more attractive to the opposite sex

8. George Allen said K-Mart "Gypped" him when returning a lawn mower in 1972

7. The true identity of Ralphie's captors is revealed

6. Paris Hilton really did have only one drink the day she was arrested for her DUI

5. The war in Iraq is contributing to global warming

4. Zawahiri has beard plugs

3. It’s grossly unfair that chicks expect all spies to look like James Bond

2. Kim Jung Il really is a better golfer than Tiger Woods.

1. All intelligence leaks must be vetted by the New York Times.

Full Disclosure

Since it is only a matter of time before left-wing bloggers make the discovery and blow it all out of proportion, we have the following announcement to make:

Yes, Nihilist in Golf Pants has received a small consulting fee from The International Union of Billie Jean King and Amy Klobuchar Celebrity Impersonators (IUBJKAKCI). This fee will have no influence on the blogging content here at NIGP.

Cynical Vikings Guy: CHILDRESS CONSPIRACY REVEALED!

NOTE FROM SISYPHUS: I distance myself from this paranoid rant by Cynical Vikings Guy. I initially refused to put it up, but CVG accused me of squelching his free speech and of being a part of the conspiracy. So here it is, you can make up your own mind:

I was preparing a post on how Minnesota Vikings starting quarterback Brad Johnson needs to be replaced (one touchdown pass in three games) but I couldn’t bring myself to call for Brooks Bollinger to be the new starter. Who I really wanted to start was strong-armed rookie Tarvris Jackson, who looked pretty good in the pre-season. But, Tarvaris had a mysterious “knee injury” in practice that required “knee surgery”.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME A BACKUP QUARTERBACK HAD A SERIOUS INJURY IN PRACTICE? It just does NOT happen. I propose that this so-called injury is being FAKED by Childress and the Viking’s staff because they know that Vikings fans have had about enough of Brad Johnson and want to see what the rookie can do. But Childress can’t bring himself to admit that he was wrong about Johnson and can’t stand the heat of a quarterback controversy.

Before you say that this could never happen, ask yourself this: Have you seen the MRI? And if so, are you absolutely sure that that is Tarvaris’ torn meniscus you’re looking at? Has anyone actually witnessed this alleged knee surgery? Come clean Childress! The secret is out! You can’t fool true Vikings fans any longer. We call on Tarvaris Jackson to start next week against Buffalo! WE ARE NOT FOOLED BY A FAKE CAST! If Childress won’t start Tarvaris, BRING IN A COACH WHO WILL!

P.S. If Tarvaris is really injured, why didn’t the Vikings pick up a third quarterback for the Chicago game? NFL teams never go into a game without a third quarterback for emergencies. I’m sure Mike McMahon was still available.

Top 11 Things That Bill Clinton Was More Obsessed With During His Presidency Than Osama Bin Laden

11. The First Lady's cycle

10. Sister Souljah

9. FBI surveilance of American citizens (so obsessed that he got a bunch of the files for personal viewing)

8. Playing his saxophone

7. Cigars

6. Preventing the cancellation of "Models Inc."

5. Hurricane preparedness

4. Super sizing his Big Mac

3. Poll numbers

2. BET and Ebony

1. Hillary’s left hook

Cynical Vikings Guy: Yes, Fire Childress

Cynical Vikings Guy says:

Yes, Obsessive Packer Guy, I am calling on the Vikings to fire Brad Childress. What kind of idiot would throw deep down field into double coverage on fourth and two when tuning the ball over on downs means you lose the game? The kind of idiot who deserves to be fired, that’s the kind of idiot. Especially against a very beatable, over-rated Bears team.

To make matters worse the Packers beat the Lions. Although I predicted zero wins for the Pack this season, I felt that if they could beat any team in the NFL, it would be the lowly Lions. Don’t get too excited OPG; your team will have to play a decent team sooner or later.

Top 18 Password Guesses Made By The Democrat Who Hacked Into Mark Kennedy's Campaign Computer

18. bushishitler
17. BUSHISHITLER
16. hitlerisbush
15. McChimpSmirkingDevilBushitler
14. springsteenrules
13. scottjohnsonisabaddancer
12. devildubya
11. AmyIsHot
10. jbdoubtlessisaredneck

(here he remembers he is trying to hack into a Republican site)

9. ihearthalliburton
8. illegallywiretapterrorists
7. 4threich
6. Rove666
5. theocracynow
4. Coulter69
3. scarecampaign
2. 911hoax
1. mauer

Cynical Viking Guy’s Memo To The Vikings “Brain” Trust: Many Of Your Fans Also Root For The Twins

Just as I had already expected, the new Vikings regime is proving itself to be every bit as stupid as the old one.

The issue involves a possible scheduling conflict in the Metrodome. If the Twins win the American League Central, they will have a home playoff game scheduled on October 8 – the same day the Vikings are scheduled to play the Lions at home. In previous years, the Twins’ lease gave them priority in post-season scheduling conflicts and the Vikings simply moved their game to Monday night. But now the Twins are operating in the Metrodome without a lease and the Vikings are arguing that they don’t necessarily have to move their game to the next night. The Vikings may be legally correct, but even suggesting that they may not make way for a Twins playoff run proves that they are PR boneheads.

Hey, Vikings brain trust, I know you’re new in town, so I’ll clue you in: THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN THAT LIKE BOTH THE VIKINGS AND THE TWINS. I know this may come as a shock to you, but some may even become a little testy with you if you try to move a Twins playoff game (and may never forgive you if you succeed in costing the Twins a home playoff game or even just disrupt the Twins pitching rotation).

Here’s another fact you may be unaware of: IT IS NOT AT ALL UNPRECEDENTED TO PLAY AN NFL GAME ON A MONDAY NIGHT.

Top 11 Candidates For The Newly Vacant Position Of Communications Director For The Amy Klobuchar Campaign

11. G. Gordon Liddy

10. That guy Matthew Broderick played in “WarGames”

9. Bobby Riggs

8. Gordon Riese

7. Rep. William “Icebox” Jefferson

6. Colleen Rowley

5. Ding Guangen

4. John Dean

3. Richard Armitage

2. Martha Stewart

1. Anyone who can communicate why it is a terrible affront to the Constitution to eavesdrop on terrorists but merely “exercising poor judgment” to receive information stolen off your political opponent’s website

Top 11 People The Democrats Equate With George W. Bush

Sisyphus drew a little ire from the left for suggesting Amy Klobuchar looked like Billie Jean King. However, the lefties forget that a favorite pastime of theirs is equating George W. Bush with people they (presumably) don't like. Here is a partial list:

11. The Devil
10. Adolf Hitler
9. Mel Gibson
8. Herbert Hoover
7. Fat Elvis
6. "Dirty" Harry
5. Herve Villachez
4. Richard Nixon
3. John Wayne
2. Jeff Spicoli
1. Nero

Top 11 Pieces Of Evidence Hugo Chavez Has That Bush Is The Devil

11. Fidel Castro swears he once saw Bush’s head swivel all the way around

10. How else could Bush stay in power so long without killing or exiling his political opponents?

9. Bush is clearly a man of wealth and taste

8. Jimmy Carter says that Bush took him up a very high mountain and displayed before him all the kingdoms of the world and promised that he would bestow them upon Jimmy if Jimmy would prostate himself in homage before him

7. Laura likes to wear blue dresses

6. Devil horns are clearly visible in most photos of Bush seen around the UN

5. Where else could a sulfur-like smell come from in New York?

4. If Noam Chomsky says so, it must be true

3. Hugo out-fiddled him to win a shiny fiddle made of gold

2. Bush turned Chavez into a newt (he got better)

1. If you play Bush’s UN address backwards, it says: “666 worship me I am the anti-Christ”

Equal Time Separated At Birth

I honestly don’t think that it is an insult to say that someone looks kind of like Billie Jean King, but some Amy Klobuchar supporters seem to disagree. In hopes of demonstrating that I’m an equal opportunity Separated At Birther, I would like to point out that I’ve noticed that Mark Kennedy also bears some resemblance to a well known athlete:

Separated at birth: Minnesota Twins catcher Joe Mauer and Congressman Mark Kennedy?

NOTE: This does not mean that I think Mark Kennedy is dating a former Miss U.S.A.

UPDATE: Picture Mark Kennedy in a Twins cap and kind of squint a little.

Notre Dame’s Top 11 Excuses For Being Routed By Michigan

11. Charlie Weis just wasn't the same after his swollen head got stuck in the tunnel on the way onto the field

10. Jesus was so distracted by unrest in the Middle East that he completely forgot about the game

9. Coach Weis is a big supporter of the Taxpayer’s League of Minnesota and he heard that the Nihilist in Golf Pants would donate $100 to them if the Irish lost to Michigan

8. The notoriously intelligent Fighting Irish were distracted by their running arguments over super-string theory

7. After helping Holy Cross beat the Gopher hockey team last April, God is taking a break from sports for a while

6. Deep down, Notre Dame Nation didn’t want to win a National Championship and overshadow the memory of Lou Holtz’s 1988 Championship

5. FBI investigation of radical Christian terrorist cells on campus distracted players

4. After entire team went to see the Vagina Monologues together on Friday night, it's hardly surprising that they played like pussies on Saturday

3. Muslim players on the Irish squad were protesting the Pope’s remarks

2. Would rather be embarrassed early in the season by Michigan than by Ohio State in the BCS Championship game

1. Unscrupulous Michigan team kept taking the ball away from the Irish offense

Separated At Birth?

Tennis great Billie Jean King and prosecutorial mediocrity Amy Klobuchar?

Cynical Vikings Guy Previews the NFC North

I planned to preview the NFC North last week, before the start of the season, but I had to make my emergency trip to Vegas to bet against the Packers. I nearly made the trip again this week seeing that the New Orleans Hurricane Evacuees are only two point favorites over the Pack, but my sense of duty to the readers kicked in. Here is my NFC North preview:

4. Green Bay Packers 0-16
The Packers look to be the first team to not win a game since the advent of the sixteen game season. Packer fans will talk about how brilliant it was for the Packers front office to secure the first pick in the 2007 draft.

3. Detroit Lions 6-10
The Lions are guaranteed at least two victories against the Packers and actually looked good in their narrow loss to the Seahawks in week one, but come on, they’re the Lions. They will do no better than 6-10.

2. Minnesota Vikings 9-7
I’m told that the Vikes looked pretty good against the Skins on Monday night, especially on defense. Brad Johnson may be one of the most accurate passers of all time as demonstrated by his ability to put the football between Troy Robinson’s hands without the football actually touching either hand.

The Vikings will be in the playoff hunt until week 17 when they will lose out on the last playoff spot on a bad call by the officials. The Vikings will have the worst draft pick of all NFL teams not making the playoffs (a position that should be known as the Viking’s pick).

1. Chicago Bears 10-6
The Bears do have a good defense and do play for the number 3 media market in the country, so the NFL will want them to win. Still, there are offensive worries in the windy city as demonstrated by the fact that they only managed to score 26 points against the pathetic Packers defense. The Bears will win the North, but expect an early exit from the playoffs.

Kids These Days

The other night I came across the bizarre movie, "Rock 'n Roll High School." It is the story of some no good kids who defy their elders in order to attend a concert by JB Doubtless' favorite group, the Ramones. The movie is so weird it is entertaining. It made me wonder how the title lyrics would change if the school in question were here in Minneapolis:

Wellstone International High School

Well I don't care about literacy
Paul, Paul, Paul Wellstone high school
Cause I'm learning diversity
Paul, Paul, Paul Wellstone high school
Learn not to call females chicks
Will not learn arithmetic
Wellstone International high school

Well the troops in Iraq should be out, you know
Paul, Paul, Paul Wellstone high school
Class protests the WTO
Paul, Paul, Paul Wellstone high school
I hate the math and science too
Alternate lifestyle taught in school
Wellstone International high school

No guns, Paul Wellstone high school
No guns, Paul Wellstone high school
No guns, Paul Wellstone high school
No guns, oh baby
No guns, oh baby
No guns! No guns!
Wellstone International high school

Well yeah I don't care about history
Paul, Paul, Paul Wellstone high school
Cause it's a bit too white for me
Paul, Paul, Paul Wellstone high school
Learn America is bad
Christian morals just a fad
Wellstone International high school

No guns, Paul Wellstone high school
No guns, Paul Wellstone high school
No guns, Paul Wellstone high school
No guns, oh baby
No guns, oh baby
No guns! No guns!
Wellstone International high school
Wellstone International high school
Wellstone International high school

Mr. President, He's Making Fun Of Me!

Readers of NIGP know that we are ugly Americans, people who think the rest of the world is populated by fools, imbeciles and enemies. A great example of why we think this way is the impending visit of Kazakhstan president Nursultan Nazarbayev to the White House.

President Nazarbayev will visit the White House and the Bush family compound in Maine when he flies in for talks that will include the fictional character Borat.

And who is this fictional character Borat? He's a creation of British comedian Sasha Cohen, the man behind HBO's "Da Ali G Show".

Cohen, 35, creator of Ali G, has infuriated the Kazakhstan government with his portrayal of Borat, a bumbling Kazakh TV presenter.

And now a movie of Borat's adventures in the US has caused a diplomatic incident. The opening scene, which shows Borat lustily kissing his sister goodbye and setting off for America in a car pulled by a horse, had audiences in stitches when it was first shown last week.

But the film, which has just premiered at the Toronto Film Festival, has prompted a swift reaction from the Kazakhstan government, which is launching a PR blitz in the States. Kazakhstan president Nursultan Nazarbayev is to fly to the US to meet President Bush in the coming weeks and on the agenda will be his country's image.

The row originally erupted in November 2005, following Borat's hosting of the MTV Europe Music Awards in Lisbon.

OK, how stupid are these people? Cohen is British, he offended at the MTV Europe Music Awards, held and broadcasted in Europe. So they are complaining to the President of the United States. Maybe the portrayal of Borat as an ignorant fool who typifies his countrymen is pretty accurate.

Top 11 Things That The Power Line Guys Were Doing On Tuesday

11. Driving down to Iowa for gas when they saw on Drudge that it was $2.05 a gallon there

10. Cheering the Dartmouth lightweight crew team on as they battled the hated Yalies

9. Too busy searching for updates on the birth of Britney Spears' second kid to blog

8. Helping Oprah fit her audience for bras

7. Preparing for fantasy soccer draft

6. Seeing what it's like to be part of the "idle rich" for a day

5. Building a Homes For Humanity dwelling for Mark Gisleson

4. Spending the day holding up Keith Ellison for Congress signs at Minneapolis street corners

3. TP'ing Markos Moulitsas Zúniga's house

2. Attending a focus group for The Claremont Review of Books titled "How to make our magazine less freaking boring"

1. Practicing for upcoming appearance on "Dancing With The Stars"

Cynical Vikings Guy: Sitting Pretty

Hi, Cynical Vikings Guy (CVG) here to report that life is good. And I didn’t even get to see the Vikes defeat the Redskins. Hold on, while I refresh my glass of Dom Perignon.

Ahh, good stuff. Now, here’s my story: Saturday morning I causally flipped open the sports section and stared in disbelief. I logged onto the internet and confirmed the information on several websites. Well, if Vegas is going to give away free money, I’m getting in line. I took off for my bank, emptied my accounts and put the cash in my carry on. At the airport, the screeners were suspicious that I had bought a last minute one-way ticket to Las Vegas and my only luggage was a bag of cash, but they waved me through when I said “Bears giving only three and a half to the Packers”.

Every once in awhile we see this early in the NFL season: the smart money doesn’t quite realize just how historically bad a team is and said team has enough delusional fans betting on them that the point spread becomes a joke. When these rare free money experiences surface, one must be ready to pounce. I didn’t get a hotel room for Saturday night – ALL of my available money was going on the Bears -3.5 over the Packers (thank God for drink tickets).

I went up and down the strip spreading my bets across several different casinos so as not to bankrupt any one casino (okay, the real reason I placed multiple bets was so that no one ticket would be over the limit that must be reported to the IRS – the IRS can read the paper; if they want a piece of the action, they can make a bet like everyone else). Then off to church to pray for the withholding of a miracle.

It was clear early on that my prayers would be answered (who is Bernard Berrian?). A few last minute Brett Favre interceptions sealed the point spread victory and I was rolling in the dough. Cashed my tickets, rented a Belagio suite, took a nap, and booked a first-class return ticket. I intentionally scheduled the flight during the Vikings-Redskins game because I was convinced that there was no way that the NFL would allow the Vikings to win against Washington, especially on 9-11. I guess the referees missed the memo – icing on the cake.

Sadly, football handicappers are a fast learning bunch and the Packers are unlikely to see a single-digit point spread the remainder of the season. But, I struck while the iron was hot and now I’m sitting pretty. Thank you, Brett Favre! Thank you, Packers!

Top 11 Other Ultimatums from Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt has declared that he will not marry Angelina Jolie until the restrictions on who can marry whom are dropped. I think we all know that it is now only a matter of time until Congress caves to the powerful Malibu Helicopter Rental lobby and allows restriction-free marriage. Having stumbled upon this powerful instrument for social change, we can expect Brad to continue to use it to make the world a better place. Here are his top 11 upcoming ultimatums:

11. He will not have sex with Angelina until the Pope allows everyone to have pre-marital sex

10. Will not take his kids to the doctor until all kids have access to universal government-run single payer health care

9. Won’t make a sequel to “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” until a sequel is made to “Fahrenheit 911”

8. Refuses to drink and drive until Mel and Paris are freed

7. Will not eat another Twinkie until Oprah is allowed to go off her diet

6. Will not again divorce Jennifer Aniston until Vince Vaughn has had a chance to divorce her

5. He’s not going to walk until stem cell research allows Christopher Reeve to walk again

4. Will continue to eavesdrop on Angelina’s phone calls until the NSA stops eavesdropping on terrorists

3. Will not watch a Gopher hockey game until Sisyphus has access to a free Mariucci Arena suite (including complimentary liquor)

2. Will not vote until a constitutional amendment is passed giving women the right to vote

1. He won’t cheat on Angelina until Bill is allowed to cheat on Hillary again

Brad Pitt: Genius

We all know Brad Pitt scores with the serious babes. Sure, Jennifer Aniston captured him for a while. But a real man learns from his mistakes. Brad has come up with the greatest excuse ever for not marrying current baby mama Angelina Jolie:

Brad Pitt, ever the social activist, says he won't be marrying Angelina Jolie until the restrictions on who can marry whom are dropped. "Angie and I will consider tying the knot when everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able," the 42-year-old actor reveals in Esquire magazine's October issue, on newsstands Sept. 19.

I'm guessing Brad will be taking advantage of the secret ballot and voting Republican from now on.

Top 11 Democratic Complaints About the ABC 9-11 Mini-Series

11. It omits the scene where Karl Rove and Dick Cheney plant the dynamite in the Twin Towers

10. No mention of Global Warming

9. Bush isn’t portrayed wearing a Hitler moustache

8. The actress portraying Monica Lewinsky is a little on the chunky side

7. Sandy Berger never smuggled secret documents in his underwear – only in his socks

6. It doesn't appropriately convey the nuance of what the meaning of the word "is" is

5. No appearance by “My Pet Goat”

4. Infamous scene where Laura Bush screams, "Let them eat cake," was cut

3. Upset that Tom Cruise plays Bill and Paris Hilton plays Hillary

2. The threat from Sudanese aspirin factories is downplayed

1. Bill Clinton would prefer to appear in Desperate Housewives

Top 11 Thoughts That Went Through My Head While Watching The Steven Seagal Film "Hard To Kill" On Wednesday Night

11. Steven Seagal racks up a body count that makes Amy Klobuchar's Minneapolis seem tame.

10. Seagal goes into a coma in 1983 and wakes up in 1990. Why is he surprised to see George H.W. Bush as president? Lots of vice presidents become president.

9. Kelly LeBrock certainly was more shapely in 1990 than earlier this year when she appeared on "Celebrity Fit Club."

8. John Hinderacker is probably reading four newspapers while I am watching "Hard to Kill." Yet, I'd wager he has no idea who Steven Seagal is.

7. It is appropriate that this film is on the American Movie Classics channel; it is a classic.

6. "Hard to Kill" is the second best Steven Seagal movie ever, next to "Under Siege."

5. After being in a coma for seven years, Seagal can get into ass-kicking shape in next to no time.

4. When Seagal is in the coma, why did they shave his beard into a goatee, but allowed the goatee to grow untrimmed?

3. Being the female lead in a movie with Steven Seagal must make a gal fat. Erika Eleniak, co-star in "Under Siege" is currently on "Celebrity Fit Club."

2. "Eleven Who Care" is on KARE 11 tonight, right after "Hard to Kill." I wonder if David Strom will win an award?

1. Mason Storm is a kick ass name. It's even better than Max Power.

Top 11 Katie Couric Sign-Off Phrases

11. “One day I will be more powerful than Oprah!”

10. “And by the way. They're real, and they're spectacular!”

9. “I, for one, welcome our new Islamofascist overlords”

8. “M*caca”

7. “If you see me on the street, don’t make eye contact”

6. “Now go and make yourselves a good stiff drink”

5. “Goodnight Senator Byrd, wherever you are”

4. “Appeasement”

3. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a leak”

2. “Be excellent to each other”

1. “Good Night, and I’ve just made another $57K”

Signs Of The Apocalypse

Rosie O'Donnell made her debut on The View today.

Katie Couric made her debut on the CBS evening news.

Something tells me that horsemen Pestilence and Death are sitting in the green room somewhere.

PETA Pan

I don't want this post to be confused with the ramblings of the fools from PETA. They are dangerously ignorant people who confuse the convenience of a grocery store with Nazi atrocities. In no way do I support them and their often offensive rhetoric.

However, I need to comment on the death of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. While I certainly don't rejoice in the untimely death of anyone, I have to suggest that Irwin got what was coming to him. Could anything be more self-evident than the idea that playing with and taunting wild animals can get you killed?

How many times does this have to happen before people stop doing these insanely dangerous gags? The Crocodile Hunter is just the latest casualty in a list that includes Roy Horn and Gunter and Ernst.

Once again, the mainstream media fails to inform as many outlets suggest Irwin was killed while filming a stunt with an animal that wasn't especially dangerous. That is obviously not true. If it were, Irwin would still be alive. The fact is that all wild animals are dangerous. Some are simply more likely to flee than fight. Humans are supposed to be smarter than that.

Putting Partisan Politics Before Opposing Racism

Local left-wing blogger Wege at Norwegianity has taken offense to a top 11 list I did regarding George Allen’s allegedly racist comment to an opposing campaign worker. The purpose of that top 11 list was not to propose new racist codewords or to apologize for George Allen’s comments (which were inexcusably impolite even if they weren’t delivered with racist intent). The purpose was to illustrate my view that the outrage from the left was more of a cynical attempt to score partisan political points than a visceral reaction to racism.

I believe that a more conclusive indication of racism than Allen’s remark would be, say, a history of organizing for the Ku Klux Klan. Yet one rarely comes across left-wing denunciations of Senator Robert Byrd, who got his start in politics by organizing for the Klan (see this Washington Post story).

I will grant Democrats a courtesy that the Wege does not reciprocate for Republicans: I do not believe that the failure of most Democrats to denounce the continued presence of this despicable character in the United States Senate proves that they are all racists. However, I do believe that it proves that they are willing to overlook racism when it suits their partisan ends. Why were the so-called progressives perfectly willing to throw everything into a primary challenge to incumbent Joe Lieberman and not Robert Byrd? I can see two reasons (other than naked anti-semitism):

1) Byrd votes the way they like.

2) They know that the Democrats would keep the Connecticut seat no matter the candidate, but thought that the West Virginia seat was vulnerable without Byrd.

I guess the ends justify the racist.

So Wege, do you have the nads to go all out in opposing the Senator Byrd? It is too late now for a primary challenge and Byrd has a huge lead in the polls, but you and your allies can put pressure on the Democratic leadership to strip Byrd of his seniority and even refuse to seat him in the Senate. Republicans were quick to denounce Trent Lott and strip him of his Senate leadership position on a lesser offense than founding a Klan chapter – and rightly so. We will see whether the Wege is a man of principal or a merely another Democrat who abhors racism only when it suits his partisan end.

Here Come The Irish

It's time to celebrate the return of Notre Dame football, in more ways than one. The arrogance and swagger is back in South Bend (and on this blog as well). I expect the Irish to field a record setting offense this year, tearing up the opposition like Team Fraters does in trivia.

Tomorrow night, the Fightin' Irish travel to Atlanta to take on a talented Georgia Tech team. The traveling Irish are seven point favorites. Expect to see close to 70 points scored in a ND victory.

To celebrate, I'm making an adjustment to the top 11 blog list. The AP has Notre Dame ranked #2, while the Coaches poll has them ranked #3. However, they are #1 in our hearts.