Top 11 Other Ultimatums from Brad Pitt

Brad Pitt has declared that he will not marry Angelina Jolie until the restrictions on who can marry whom are dropped. I think we all know that it is now only a matter of time until Congress caves to the powerful Malibu Helicopter Rental lobby and allows restriction-free marriage. Having stumbled upon this powerful instrument for social change, we can expect Brad to continue to use it to make the world a better place. Here are his top 11 upcoming ultimatums:

11. He will not have sex with Angelina until the Pope allows everyone to have pre-marital sex

10. Will not take his kids to the doctor until all kids have access to universal government-run single payer health care

9. Won’t make a sequel to “Mr. and Mrs. Smith” until a sequel is made to “Fahrenheit 911”

8. Refuses to drink and drive until Mel and Paris are freed

7. Will not eat another Twinkie until Oprah is allowed to go off her diet

6. Will not again divorce Jennifer Aniston until Vince Vaughn has had a chance to divorce her

5. He’s not going to walk until stem cell research allows Christopher Reeve to walk again

4. Will continue to eavesdrop on Angelina’s phone calls until the NSA stops eavesdropping on terrorists

3. Will not watch a Gopher hockey game until Sisyphus has access to a free Mariucci Arena suite (including complimentary liquor)

2. Will not vote until a constitutional amendment is passed giving women the right to vote

1. He won’t cheat on Angelina until Bill is allowed to cheat on Hillary again