Saturday, September 30, 2006

Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind?

People have been asking why I haven't posted lately. Sisyphus has been doing a bang-up job and the Misanthropic Frat Boy has been on a roll too. So I suppose it could reasonably be assumed that I am taking an Atomizer/St. Paul/JB Doubtless-like hiatus and leaving the hard work of blogging to others. But that couldn't be further from the truth. While the rest of the guys are cranking out the humor, I am knee deep in serious research.

After reading this wonderful column by Kate Parry about the magical pixies who hold the fate of the world in their hands - the undecided voters, I decided to undertake a similar survey. Now I might not have the scholarly backing of a premier educational institution such as Stetson University behind me, but I spent the past week doing what journalistic paragon Kate Parry would do, interviewing undecided voters. Here are some of the people that I found:

Ricky Mandell, 19, is an unemployed voter living in New Brighton. He plans to vote because his parents will kick him out of their home if he doesn't begin to act like an adult. When asked which issues were important to him he was unable to form a coherent thought. When I explained a wide range of issues to him, he expressed interest in the hidden sex video game in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and was shocked to learn that the US Congress would be debating the Truth in Videogames Act, sponsored by Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS), which would require the ESRB video game rating service to play through the entirety of any game they rate.

Agnes Risdahl, 64, is a St. Cloud widow recently emerged from a 6 month long coma after severe head trauma from a car accident. Her 34 year-old daughter Maria claims Agnes used to regularly vote, but couldn't remember which party she favored. Since Agnes cannot walk or speak, she was unable to express her preference.

Bob Pohlad is a fifty-something executive. In the late 1960's he was a hippie, but today he is a businessman. He comes from a family worth billions. There are many reasons that he is undecided. "I am prepared to support the candidates that will offer unrestricted access to me, both with my vote, but also more importantly with campaign contributions." He has spent the last few years greasing the palms of officials in both parties to obtain a large piece of government welfare for his family business. He also feels that being undecided gives him credibility when publicly posturing to get your taxes raised.

Eric Brown, 38, lives in St. Paul and is in a support group for compulsive liars. He says he likes debates and is turned off by attack ads.

In order to serve these and other key undecided voters, we at NIGP will learn from Kate Parry's chosen approach. We will regurgitate DFL talking points as gospel truth and chastise Republicans for negative campaigning whenever they attempt to make a salient point. We will tailor our coverage to gently move these heroic undecideds to the left where they belong.


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