Welcome once again to the Sisyphus Unbiased Oscar Preview. Because I have seen absolutely none of the nominated movies, I can bring you the internet’s only unbiased Oscar preview. Remember, I am telling you who would win if the Academy voters were perfect and unbiased, not who will win.
Actor in a Leading Role
George Clooney – Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp – Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones – In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen – Eastern Promises
“Oh, Daniel Day-Lewis was in a movie this year; we better nominate him for an Oscar!” Johnny Depp playing a demented barber is not much of a stretch from his usual fare of playing gay pirates. Tommy Lee Jones was Al Gore’s college roommate, but Al Gore is so 2007. Viggo Mortensen was overshadowed by hobbits. Think about that – he was overshadowed by hobbits.
And the Oscar goes too … George Clooney for playing Tampa Bay Buccaneers Wide Receiver Michael Clayton.
A fifty-something white actor playing an African-American athlete half his age? I would say impossible, but apparently George Clooney pulled it off.
George Clooney (left) and the real Michael Clayton
Actor in a Supporting Role
Casey Affleck – The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem – No Country for Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman – Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook – Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson – Michael Clayton
Casey Affleck? You have got to be kidding me. I’ve never heard of Javier Bardem or Tom Wilkinson, so screw them. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is good, but it seems like he just one an Oscar and we should really spread the wealth.
And the Oscar goes to … Hal Holbrook. I couldn’t name a movie he’s been in, but I know he’s been around a long time and has paid his dues.
Actress in a Leading Role
Cate Blanchett – Elizabeth the Golden Age
Julie Christie – Away From Her
Marion Collard – La Vie En Rose
Laura Linney – The Savages
Ellen Page – Juno
Any reasonably competent actor should be able to memorize some lines and spit them back out in a believable manor. What I look for in an actress is hotness -- someone I would want to look at for two hours.
Here are the five best actress nominees (from left to right: Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie, Ellen Page, Laura Linney, and Marion Collard)
I know Cate Blanchett usually looks better than this hideous photo, but I can’t get it out of my head. Julie Christie was once hot, but this is the 2008 Oscars. Ellen Page looks like she’s auditioning to play Bob Dylan or something. Laura Linney isn’t bad, but she is getting a little old.
And the Oscar goes to … Marion Collard. I had never heard of her before, but I will be keeping an eye out for her.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Cate Blanchett – I’m Not There
Rudy Dee – American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan – Atonement
Amy Ryan – Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton – Michael Clayton
Here are the five best supporting actress nominees (from left to right: Saoirse Ronan, Cate Blanchett, Tilda Swinton, Rudy Dee, and Amy Ryan)
Saoirse Ronan is a kid, so she is disqualified from consideration. We’ve already dismissed Cate Blanchett. Tilda Swinton looks like she’s preparing to play the lead in a David Bowie bio-pic. Rudy Dee is old, but is still the second hottest of this group.
And the Oscar goes to … Amy Ryan. By far the hottest of these sorry nominees.
No End in Sight
Operation Home Coming: Writing the Wartime Experience
Taxi to the Dark Side
Ah, the Documentary category – four anti-war movies and one Michael Moore. Moore will probably win because the academy will want to acknowledge the retiring Fidel Castro, but I’m here to tell you who should win.
And the Oscar goes to … no award
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood
Why make a movie about Michael Clayton and not Randy Moss, or, if you would like a tragedy, Troy Williamson? Apparently just so Clooney can show off his range. He will have to settle for the best actor Oscar. Someone does something wrong and then spends the whole movie making up for it, yawn, Atonement. Of course there will be blood, this is Hollywood – I’m looking for something a little less clichéd. No Country For Old Men will probably win because of Barack Obama’s momentum, but it will not be my pick.
And the Oscar goes to … Juno
And now without further ado, the most important category of this year’s Oscars: Original Screenplay
Diablo Cody – Juno
Nancy Oliver – Lars and the Real Girl
Tony Gilroy – Michael Clayton
Brad Bird, Story by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird – Ratatouille
Tamara Jenkins – The Savages
Nihilist in Golf Pants has learned that Best Original Screenplay nominee Diablo Cody used to blog for City Pages. I don’t care about the other nominees, so let’s just cut to the chase:
And the Oscar goes to … Former City Pages blogger Diablo Cody!
Diablo Cody’s victory should make it clear to Hollywood that City Pages honored bloggers make outstanding screenwriters. As luck would have it, the 2006 City Pages Best Right-Wing blogger has been working on a screen play and it will be a sure Oscar contender.
My screenplay features a mild mannered blogger whose computer is infected with a radioactive virus. When the blogger, Sisyphus, touches his mouse, he receives super blogging power (awesome special effect here).
On the outside he will seem a little-read humor blogger. But he will use his newly acquired powers to become a high traffic super blogger (only love interest Mary Katharine Ham will know his true identity).
Although he will be tempted to use his newfound powers for personal gain, he will overcome temptation and use his powers only for good. In the final scene Sisyphus will bring a cadre of evil bloggers to justice, all the while live blogging for his readers!
This may be my last Oscar Preview for awhile, since I will probably be a nominee next year.