Nihilist Scoop: Record Low Temperatures In Hades

This blog has learned that record low temperatures have hit Hades. Lows today are well below zero degrees.

In Hollywood news, mega-star and UN Goodwill ambassador Angelina Jolie has authored an op-ed in tomorrow's Washington Post titled, "A Reason To Stay In Iraq." In the piece, Jolie states that:

[US Commander General David] Petraeus"told me he would support new efforts to address the humanitarian crisis" as much as possible, "which leaves me hopeful that more progress can be made."

When asked whether the troop surge was working, Jolie did not make a snarky comment about President Bush's intelligence, but instead said that "I can only state what I witnessed."

In other news black is white and up is down.

Crushing Dreams at Fraters Libertas

We here at Nihilist in Golf Pants are not afraid to criticize our future Northern Alliance colleagues on the rare occasions they deserve chastisement. This is one such occasion: Brian “Saint Paul” Ward has written a post mocking and ridiculing Academy Award winning screenwriter, Diablo Cody, and the manner in which she was discovered by Hollywood.

Saint Paul is unaware (or at least I would like to think he is unaware) that when he mocks and ridicules Diablo Cody, he is also mocking and ridiculing the dreams of everyone who has received the calling to be a stripper. From yesterday's New York Post page 6:

Meanwhile, the topless talents at Rick's Cabaret NY were so excited about Cody being up for Best Screenplay Sunday night, they stopped dancing and stayed glued to the mammary mecca's big-screen TVs as the winner was announced. They burst into tears when they heard Cody's name. "She proves that if you follow your dreams, anything can come true," gushed Charlotte, a busty brunette. The girls have even made a plaque for Cody that reads in part: "Dedicated to Diablo Cody, who has taken our calling to new levels."

VP Hottie?

My good friends and likely future Northern Alliance colleagues, Paul and John at Power Line, comment on the tightrope John McCain will have to walk when choosing his running mate. John Hinderaker notes the recent mini-groundswell among conservatives for choosing Alaska’s hot Governor Sarah Palin:

Although Governor Palin is both attractive and a solid conservative, there are several problems with choosing her as running mate.

First off is experience. One of John McCain’s main themes will be Barack Obama’s lack of experience. Sarah Palin has even less. She is two years younger than Obama and has only been governor since 2006. Before that, her only elective office was two terms on the Wasilla City Council. McCain can’t very well assert that Palin is prepared to step in as President and then argue that Obama doesn’t have the experience necessary to be commander in chief.

The other problem is more serious – her maiden name is Heath. We all know how Democrats love to make fun of people’s names, and there is no way they’ll be able to resist reminding the electorate that Governor Palin shares a name with failed British Prime Minister Edward Heath.

If Governor Palin keeps up the good work in Alaska, she will make a great candidate for national office down the road. But for now, John McCain should look for a more experienced running mate. We aren’t the Democrats, after all.

You Call This Living?

You would think that with the $6.6 billion tax hike that passed the Minnesota legislature yesterday that our state would lay off attempts to pick its citizens pockets for a while. You would be wrong.

As Chad points out, an amendment to further increase the state sales tax will be on the ballot this November. But there is another pocket picking measure that goes into effect today. You may soon hear about it if you listen to the radio (there are TV ads too). Listen my friends and you shall hear, a crappy rock band singing loud and clear:

You're livin' large
You're livin' large
You're livin' large
With the $20 scratch game!

That's right, today is the first day that a $20 scratch-off lottery ticket will be available in Minnesota. Previously, to waste $20 of hard earned money one would have to purchase two $10 tickets, four $5 tickets, or some combination of the above and/or $1, $2 or $3 tickets.

The lottery suggests players have nearly a 1 in 3 chance of "winning" a prize of up to half a million dollars. In reality, it's a little less than a 1 in 6 chance, becasue the most common prize is $20, the cost of the ticket. I'm sure the suckers who break even could really use that $20. The lottery does admit that the chances of drawing the $500,000 ticket are one in 300,000. They don't tell you that once all the tickets are sold, the average loss per ticket will be $5.55, significantly higher than any other ticket in the history of the Minnesota lottery.

The sad thing is people will play. Many won't be able to afford it. Even for those who can, think about it. Your alternative to scratching a ticket for $20 could be:

- Buy two tickets to a movie and get popcorn too
- Enjoy three burritos with chips at Chipotle
- Enjoy three pints of your favorite import at Keegan's pub
- Play 9 holes of golf at your municipal golf course
- Put half a tank of gas into a mid-sized car

Of course, you wouldn't be living large.

Top 11 Reasons Nihilist in Golf Pants is the Best Blog to Replace Captain’s Quarters in the Northern Alliance

Captain Ed has announced that he is shutting down his blog, Captain’s Quarters, and moving his blogging to Hot Air. Ed’s move has created a big opportunity – now there is a rare opening in the Northern Alliance. We believe that we are best blog to fill the Captain’s shoes. Here are the top 11 reasons:

11. The Nihilist, like Ed, wears the same unwashed Notre Dame sweatshirt for months at a time

10. Ed brought down the government of Canada; we pledge to bring down the government of Little Canada

9. Ed is known as the nicest blogger in Minnesota; the Nihilist is known as the loudest blogger in Minnesota

8. We would balance the NARN by bringing in Arsenal fans to counteract the loser Everton fans

7. We may not live blog like Captain Ed, but we have live blogged Captain Ed’s live blogs

6. Ed has met Mary Katharine Ham; Sisyphus would like to meet Mary Katharine Ham

5. Having NIGP in the NA will finally give King someone he can look down on

4. We're willing to pretend to like Mitch

3. Sisyphus already has the mandatory tattoo of the Power Line logo on his buttocks

2. We would significantly beef up the NA’s award show coverage

1. There is no way WE’D sell out the Northern Alliance and join a big blog conglomerate

Oscars Wrap-up

It wouldn't be wall-to wall Oscars coverage without the best and worst dressed celebs. Katherine Heigl looks stunning here, easily winning best dressed. Maybe her sappy, feel-good films help her look fantastic:

Here is our worst dressed celeb, presidential hopeful Barak Obama. It doesn't take a queer eye to see that this outfit is awful. He should know better than to arrive at the Oscars looking like this. And what's with the pants coming out from the white robe thingy? I guess my comment about sappy, feel-good crapola doesn't hold water after all.

Sisyphus’ Unbiased Oscar Preview 2008

Welcome once again to the Sisyphus Unbiased Oscar Preview. Because I have seen absolutely none of the nominated movies, I can bring you the internet’s only unbiased Oscar preview. Remember, I am telling you who would win if the Academy voters were perfect and unbiased, not who will win.

Actor in a Leading Role
George Clooney – Michael Clayton
Daniel Day-Lewis – There Will Be Blood
Johnny Depp – Sweeney Todd the Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Tommy Lee Jones – In the Valley of Elah
Viggo Mortensen – Eastern Promises

“Oh, Daniel Day-Lewis was in a movie this year; we better nominate him for an Oscar!” Johnny Depp playing a demented barber is not much of a stretch from his usual fare of playing gay pirates. Tommy Lee Jones was Al Gore’s college roommate, but Al Gore is so 2007. Viggo Mortensen was overshadowed by hobbits. Think about that – he was overshadowed by hobbits.

And the Oscar goes too … George Clooney for playing Tampa Bay Buccaneers Wide Receiver Michael Clayton.

A fifty-something white actor playing an African-American athlete half his age? I would say impossible, but apparently George Clooney pulled it off.

George Clooney (left) and the real Michael Clayton

Actor in a Supporting Role
Casey Affleck – The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
Javier Bardem – No Country for Old Men
Phillip Seymour Hoffman – Charlie Wilson’s War
Hal Holbrook – Into the Wild
Tom Wilkinson – Michael Clayton

Casey Affleck? You have got to be kidding me. I’ve never heard of Javier Bardem or Tom Wilkinson, so screw them. Phillip Seymour Hoffman is good, but it seems like he just one an Oscar and we should really spread the wealth.

And the Oscar goes to … Hal Holbrook. I couldn’t name a movie he’s been in, but I know he’s been around a long time and has paid his dues.

Actress in a Leading Role
Cate Blanchett – Elizabeth the Golden Age
Julie Christie – Away From Her
Marion Collard – La Vie En Rose
Laura Linney – The Savages
Ellen Page – Juno

Any reasonably competent actor should be able to memorize some lines and spit them back out in a believable manor. What I look for in an actress is hotness -- someone I would want to look at for two hours.

Here are the five best actress nominees (from left to right: Cate Blanchett, Julie Christie, Ellen Page, Laura Linney, and Marion Collard)

I know Cate Blanchett usually looks better than this hideous photo, but I can’t get it out of my head. Julie Christie was once hot, but this is the 2008 Oscars. Ellen Page looks like she’s auditioning to play Bob Dylan or something. Laura Linney isn’t bad, but she is getting a little old.

And the Oscar goes to … Marion Collard. I had never heard of her before, but I will be keeping an eye out for her.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Cate Blanchett – I’m Not There
Rudy Dee – American Gangster
Saoirse Ronan – Atonement
Amy Ryan – Gone Baby Gone
Tilda Swinton – Michael Clayton

Here are the five best supporting actress nominees (from left to right: Saoirse Ronan, Cate Blanchett, Tilda Swinton, Rudy Dee, and Amy Ryan)

Saoirse Ronan is a kid, so she is disqualified from consideration. We’ve already dismissed Cate Blanchett. Tilda Swinton looks like she’s preparing to play the lead in a David Bowie bio-pic. Rudy Dee is old, but is still the second hottest of this group.

And the Oscar goes to … Amy Ryan. By far the hottest of these sorry nominees.

Documentary
No End in Sight
Operation Home Coming: Writing the Wartime Experience
Sicko
Taxi to the Dark Side
Wardance

Ah, the Documentary category – four anti-war movies and one Michael Moore. Moore will probably win because the academy will want to acknowledge the retiring Fidel Castro, but I’m here to tell you who should win.

And the Oscar goes to … no award

Best Picture
Atonement
Juno
Michael Clayton
No Country For Old Men
There Will Be Blood

Why make a movie about Michael Clayton and not Randy Moss, or, if you would like a tragedy, Troy Williamson? Apparently just so Clooney can show off his range. He will have to settle for the best actor Oscar. Someone does something wrong and then spends the whole movie making up for it, yawn, Atonement. Of course there will be blood, this is Hollywood – I’m looking for something a little less clichéd. No Country For Old Men will probably win because of Barack Obama’s momentum, but it will not be my pick.

And the Oscar goes to … Juno

And now without further ado, the most important category of this year’s Oscars:

Original Screenplay
Diablo Cody – Juno
Nancy Oliver – Lars and the Real Girl
Tony Gilroy – Michael Clayton
Brad Bird, Story by Jan Pinkava, Jim Capobianco, Brad Bird – Ratatouille
Tamara Jenkins – The Savages

Nihilist in Golf Pants has learned that Best Original Screenplay nominee Diablo Cody used to blog for City Pages. I don’t care about the other nominees, so let’s just cut to the chase:

And the Oscar goes to … Former City Pages blogger Diablo Cody!

Diablo Cody’s victory should make it clear to Hollywood that City Pages honored bloggers make outstanding screenwriters. As luck would have it, the 2006 City Pages Best Right-Wing blogger has been working on a screen play and it will be a sure Oscar contender.

My screenplay features a mild mannered blogger whose computer is infected with a radioactive virus. When the blogger, Sisyphus, touches his mouse, he receives super blogging power (awesome special effect here).

On the outside he will seem a little-read humor blogger. But he will use his newly acquired powers to become a high traffic super blogger (only love interest Mary Katharine Ham will know his true identity).

Although he will be tempted to use his newfound powers for personal gain, he will overcome temptation and use his powers only for good. In the final scene Sisyphus will bring a cadre of evil bloggers to justice, all the while live blogging for his readers!

This may be my last Oscar Preview for awhile, since I will probably be a nominee next year.

Bonnie Tyler.com?

CNN.com's lead story at this moment is the lunar eclipse. An interesting astronomical event, but is it news?

Meanwhile, Hugh Hewitt links to a report of a man attempting to board a jet in Tampa with a Koran and a boxcutter hidden in a hallowed out book. CNN didn't see reason to cover this story. Of course, they have room for a story on the casualty count since the beginning of the Iraq war on their front page. And another front page link to Oprah.com for romantic advice.

At least they don't have a front page story on how Barak Obama is sooooo super-neato and will unite us all.

Top 11 Plans Fidel Castro has for Retirement

11. Build a raft and retire to Florida

10. Continue to oppress dissidents, but now just for fun

9. Run for condo board president at Pines of Mar Gables, Phase 2

8. Drive his '56 Caddy around Cuba at no more than 10 mph with his left turn signal on

7. Sign a lucrative endorsement contract with Swisher Sweets

6. Catch Obama fever and start writing speeches about "change" for him

5. Replace his military fatigues with warm-up jackets and stretch-pants

4. Laugh and tell Raul “I told you so” when he finds out it’s not so easy being dictator

3. Move in with Hitler in his pad in Argentina

2. Start blogging at the Huffington Post

1. Start working on his bucket list with Jimmy Carter (coming soon to a theater near you)

Top 11 Reasons Michelle Obama Hasn’t Been Proud of Her Country until Recently

11. Until recently, a woman hasn't been able to run for president

10. America hasn’t done enough for its long oppressed Harvard Law School Graduate community

9. Americans are far too obsessed with plagiarism

8. Whenever she concentrated her armies on the United States, she lost the Risk game

7. We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make diet soda with real soda taste

6. Americans have insufficient enthusiasm for soccer

5. Americans are too satisfied with empty platitudes like "change" and don't appreciate substance

4. American hockey fighters are a bunch of pansies compared to the Russians

3. Hard to be proud of your country when you're struggling to make ends meet with a combined income of a million dollars a year

2. Couldn't understand why Americans failed to appreciate the musical genius of David Hasselhof

1. Mistakenly thought her country was France

Fat Actress

Weight loss programs are a sham. Anyone who wants to lose weight has two possible paths:

- Reduce calorie intake (diet)
- Increase metabolic calorie burn rate (exercize)

The mathematics are that simple. Yet in an increasingly obese nation, people don't want to hear this straight talk. They want to be told that they can buy weight loss. That's why Jenny Craig, Trim-Spa, Nutri-System and a myriad of other companies rake in hundreds of millions of dollars in the weight loss industry.

Of course to get a piece of the pie, you have to convince the public that your snake oil works. Trim-Spa was very successful for a time when they hired Anna Nicole Smith and she seemed to drop a ton of weight. At that time, they also hired hefty golfer John Daly. I remember getting a chuckle from seeing Daly drag his 300+ lb. frame around golf courses in a Trim-Spa shirt. Daly never lost the weight, Anna Nicole dropped dead, and Trim-Spa went down the tubes.

Recently, Jenny Craig had to fire spokeswhale Kirstie Alley. She had been well known for struggling with her weight, and actually lost a lot for a while. But now she's well north of 200 lbs. and they had to ditch her. Her replacement isn't exactly Keira Knightly. Beefy Queen Latifa will share ad duty with the once attractive Valerie Bertanelli. Too bad Jenny Craig isn't a publicly traded company. I believe it would be time for a short sale.

Urgent, Urgent, Emergency

I was just thinking about what a crisis global warming is. With the temperatures up into the twenties today, I realized that if I don't cut back in a real and painful way, winters where lows hit -20 degrees farenheit in Minneapolis may be a thing of the past. How terrible that would be.

Obviously we face a doomsday scenario like we've never seen before. Or have we? Here is a top eleven of hyperbole, in reverse chronological order:

11. "I think Gore is right. I think that it's going to -- the automobile engine as we know it will be gone within 50 -- I'll say 50 years." - John McLaughlin - 11/23/07

10. "We have ten years to save the planet," (from global warming) - Slogan from the Live Earth Concert - 7/7/07

9. "If Bush gets elected, he will put in new Superior Court judges [sic], and these guys are not going to want to see gay pride week" - Cher - 10/22/04

8. The Voting Rights Act signed by President Lyndon B. Johnson in 1965 will expire in 2007. Congress once again will decide whether African-Americans will be allowed to vote. - Mrs. Bill Cosby to USA Today - 7/8/98

7. "We only have ten years to save the world's oceans." Ted Danson - 1988

6. Regarding AIDS, "we face the dreadful prospect of a worldwide death toll in the tens of millions a decade from now," - Dr. Otis Bowen (US Secretary for Health and Human Services) - 1/30/87

5. If Ronald Reagan's policies "are permitted to continue, we could face not the risk but the reality of nuclear war." - Averell Harriman - 1984

4. The 1980 presidential election would determine "whether we have peace or war." - Jimmy Carter - 1980

3. "The central fact is that after three quarters of a century of extraordinarily mild conditions, the earth’s climate seems to be cooling down." - Newsweek Magazine, The Cooling World - 4/28/75

2. Regarding Richard Nixon's re-election, "if he gets in another 4 years, there's not going to be any America left." - Phil Ochs introducing his song "Here's to the State of Richard Nixon" - 1971

1. "Americans born since 1946...now had a life expectancy of only 49 years, and predicted that if current patterns continued this expectancy would reach 42 years by 1980, when it might level out." - Paul Ehrlich (Eco-Catastrophy) - 1969

Is 27 Dresses Necessary?

I saw the first half of "27 Dresses" recently. The movie was so sad and makes me so angry. Why can't Katherine Heigl find a man? She seems like a nice person and she's such a good friend to other women and she's always a bridesmaid for them and men are such jerks and life is so unfair! At least that's what I got out of the movie, before I got depressed and left.

Of course, the movie is completely unrealistic. It opens with Heigl as the maid of honor at two different weddings on the same night. Right. Let's suspend disbelief: one good friend that you went to school with gets married on the same night as a good friend from work. Neither has a sister who would naturally get the job as maid of honor. When the first asks you to be maid of honor, you say yes. OK, no problem yet. However, here is my play on how the second invite would go:

Bride to be: I'm getting married!

Katherine Heigl: Oh my God!

B2B: Would you be my maid of honor?

KH: Oh my God! Yes!

B2B: I'm so excited. We have so much to do before September!

KH: Oh my God! September? What day in September?

B2B: The 13th!*

KH: Like, I'm so honored and we can make it work. But, oh my God, I already told my sorority sister Josie I'd be maid of honor at her wedding that day!

B2B: But it's my day. You like Josie better than me!

KH: Like, I can do both.

B2B: Drop dead, bitch!

Then there is the little plot issue that poor Katherine can't find love. She's not exactly Maureen Dowd. She's still in her 20's. She's attractive. And she obviously has a good social network or she wouldn't be invited to be a bridesmaid 27 times.

I left the movie in hope that Heigl's character would become a bitter old spinster like Maureen Dowd (and after deciding she wasn't likely to show off her tatas). Unfortunately, I know the Julia Roberts style ending would be what Hollywood had in store. I'm willing to bet she found the love for which she was searching. For her sake, I hope this guy looks better than Seth Rogan.

* Date in 2008 of Notre Dame versus Michigan football game. Do not invite the Nihilist to any weddings this day.

Keep On (Soft) Rocking In The Free World

If there is one group of people less enamored with the Republican slate of presidential contenders than conservatives, it's wuss rockers. You may remember that John Hoosier Mellonhead asked frontronner John McCain to stop usine his awful songs "Our Country" and "Pink Houses" at political rallies. "Pink Houses," for Pete's sake! Is McCain trying to deliver a message about gay marriage?

Not to be outdone, songwriter/guitarist Tom Scholz of the band Boston just asked Mike Huckabee to stop using his anthem to suck, "More Than A Feeling" at his events.

My question is why do these liberal Republicans feel the need to use semi-feel-good soft rock at their events? I trace it back to their desire to be like the defining politician of the last generation, Bill Clinton.

Clinton was what this generation of Republicans aspire to be on many levels. First of all, he was successful at getting elected. Second, he was able to parlay his lust for power into real power by avoiding a true governing philosophy. A tax increaser after his election, he swung over to a welfare reformer when the country moved right on him. Today's Republicans aspire to govern not from a philosophical viewpoint, but from a pragmatic agenda. It's so much easier than actually trying to lead. However, actually being a Clinton is a strategy already taken by one of the Democratic contenders, so our Republicans have to settle for being like him.

One of the defining moments in Clinton's rise to power in 1992 was the at the Democratic convention. As the Clintons and Gores stood on the dais, the soft-rock of Fleetwood Mac's "Don't Stop" blared. The next thing we saw was a big election victory.

I, for one, felt much better when Republicans didn't choose crappy soft-rock as their campaign themes just like Democrats. No, the world was better when Republicans chose crappy country music.

Let's Hear It For The Boys

Reader Bruce e-mails with a TV viewing recommendation:

I don’t normally send out TV show recommendations, but last night’s Top Gear (BBC America, 7pm, a show normally about high end sports cars) was good, very good, maybe their best. Last night, instead of their usual UK (or Europe) location they were in Florida, where the 3 guys (the hosts) each bought an American junker (late 80’s Camaro, Eldorado, and Dodge pickup truck), and proceeded on a road trip through the south towards New Orleans, with the idea being to see could buy the cheapest car, make it to New Orleans, and sell it for the most money. Halfway through the trip (somewhere in Alabama ?) they opened an envelope from their producer, with directions to paint each others’ cars with some offensive wording (using water based fluorescent art paint) to get the other driver into trouble. The results were: the white pickup truck said (in pink paint) “Man Love Rules”, the Camaro said “Country Western is Rubbish” on the sides and “Nascar Sucks” on the trunk, with the Caddy saying “Hillary for President” on the sides and “I’m Bi” on the trunk. As they rolled down the highway they were getting angry looks and honking horns from the local rednecks. When they pulled into some small hick town for gas, the hillbilly lady who ran the gas station came out and started yelling at them and said she was calling “the boys”, and minutes later a pickup truck load of shirtless good ‘ol boys pulls up and proceeds to threaten and yell at the drivers and pelted the camera crew with rocks – the TV show crew and hosts fled the gas station, but the Hillary Eldorado had a dead battery so the Man Love pickup had to gave it a quick jump start, and off they sped. Once safely out of town they pulled over and frantically washed the painted slogans off.

There’s not much on TV these days that I’d recommend, but I do like this show. Have a look if you get a chance. BBC America plays 2 shows a week on Monday night at 7pm and 8pm, with one of the shows being a repeat of the previous week (much like the Golf Channel did with the Big Break), so the southern road trip might be replayed.

Wow, I'll bet the Brits who produced the show were amazed that the redneck 'Mericans didn't pull out assault rifles and execute the hosts. I'm guessing the rednecks weren't sure what "Man Love Rules" meant until they heard the driver speak with a British accent, then they understood. In reality, I'm willing to bet that the conflict with the gang of rednecks was staged at some level. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Reality TV is like the internet. Rule #1 for both is that nothing is as it is presented. Just because reality TV isn't "real" doesn't mean it can't still be entertaining. This show sounds like it stands a good chance.

Finally, I wonder which car was more offensive. I'm guessing "Man Love" was a distant 3rd, just behind by the "Bi's for Hil." After reading Mark Yost's latest, I'm sure the anti-NASCAR/Country Western car engendered the most hate.

Top 11 Comments Overheard at the Westminster Kennel Club when the Beagle “Uno” won Best in Show

11. How old is Uno in Amy Winehouse years?

10. They only chose a beagle out of sympathy for Charles Schultz.

9. Uno’s coach secretly videotaped the practices of the other dogs.

8. Wow, I can’t believe Hillary lost again.

7. Let me tell ya buuuuurrrrrrpp somethin’ buddy, your dog is the first bbbuuuuuurrrrpp beagle to win in a hundred years and the Pack -*hic*- have won three Super Bowls in that time buuuuuuuuuuurrrp. Go Pack ! Go Favre!

6. And off go the poor losers to Michael Vick's house.

5. This makes Uno the front runner for the Power Line Dog of the Year Award.

4. Uno's juiced! Henry Waxman just subpoenaed him to testify before Congress!

3. Rush endorsed the black lab, Midnight; I guess talk radio really is losing its influence.

2. This is going to kill sales for Hugh Hewitt's new book "A German Shepherd for Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel Club?"

1. Even he's more conservative than McCain.

Top 11 Reasons Hillary Fired Campaign Manager Patti Solis Doyle

11. The only advice she ever gave was to cry in public

10. Since Bill wasn't around to throw a lamp at she had to lash out in another way

9. Because “Patti Solis Doyle has done an extraordinary job in getting us to this point” and “this point” is coming in second to Obama

8. She suggested the campaign slogan "Status Quo is the Way to Go"

7. She kept pushing for the selection of Walter Mondale as running mate

6. Hillary upset that Solis Doyle refused to accept cattle futures in lieu of pay

5. She isn't allowed to have her executed

4. Caught her humming the “Bob the Builder” theme song

3. She couldn't secure the powerful RT Rybak endorsement

2. She dedicated all of the campaigns opposition research to gathering dirt on Duncan Hunter

1. Hillary couldn’t very well fire herself

Paint it Black, Paint the Pot Black, You Kettle!

Rock and Roll legend Keith Richards has gone on record as telling singer Amy Winehouse to, "get her act together."

Winehouse, 24, has already had a lifetime worth of drug problems including arrests, hospital stays and visa denials. In summary, she is a poor woman's Keith Richards. Hearing Keith Richards suggest that you are a f'd-up druggie must be sobering indeed. I wonder how she will react to this suggestion. My guess is that Richards wasn't really offering advice out of personal concern because reports say that he continued by stating, "apart from that, I have nothing to say to the bitch."

While Keef may be a guitar legend, he's not exactly dealing from a position of moral authority here. Even more bothersome to me is the fact that his bandmate Mick Jagger plays the baby boomer card to criticize Winehouse. Jagger, a long-time drug user turned aged moralist suggested that the younger generation doesn't have the same excuses of the baby boomers, "when we were experimenting with drugs, little was known about the effects."

Yeah, Mick. While there is no doubt that Western governments have become much bigger nanny states since you were a kid, I believe I've seen movies like, "The Man with the Golden Arm," from that era. It was not a secret that drugs are harmful. Please, both of you, save us the preaching and go back to charging $175 a ticket to hear you play "Brown Sugar," your popular song about heroin use, one more time.

UPDATE
Amy Winehouse shook off the criticism (or was that just heroin withdrawl?) and won in five of the six Grammy categories for which she was nominated: Record of the Year, Song of the Year, Best New Artist, Best Female Pop Vocal Performance, and Best Pop Vocal Album. The only category she lost was Album of the Year. And no, I don't know what differenciates that category from Record of the Year.

On a personal note, I believe this is the first time I've ever owned a Grammy winning record at the time it won a Grammy.

Hugh Hewitt Borrows From Ronnie James Dio?

One of the frustrations of blogging is that if you come at something with a unique perspective, it is quite likely that no one else cares. So I will have to content myself with the linkage between the narrative lyrics from the Rainbow song "Stargazer" off the album "Rainbow Rising" and how Hugh Hewitt of "Romney Rising" blogging fame must have felt watching Mitt Romney suspend his campaign.

For those not into 1970's metal, "Stargazer" is an epic tune narrated by one of many slaves who spent nearly a decade constructing a tower for a powerful wizard. The wizard plans to demonstrate his power by climbing to the top of the tower and flying. Unfortunately for the wizard, he steps off the tower, crashes to earth and is killed. You can see how I would see this as a metaphor for the Romney campaign. The narrater feels empty, since he spent a good part of his life doing the backbreaking work to prove the wizards greatness. And that's how our good friend Hugh fits in.

I‘m Hugh, oh, I'd sell my soul for Romney
Nine months worth of breakin' my back
There's no doubt he’s an economic wizard
Olympic heights, he made big money there

I see Romney’s face
The man’s a star, he’ll go far, he’ll go far, he’ll go far
A Mormon in DC?
I believe, yes, I believe
In the primary campaign against John McCain
In the polls he’ll fly, he's the only guy
I wrote a powerful tome with my flesh and bone
to glorify that guy, and I wouldn't lie
Now where do I go

Campaigns moving fast across the southeast
We feel Romney’s time has arrived
My show spins while we state his case together
A flawless campaign to take him straight to the sky

I see Romney’s face
The man’s a star, he’ll go far, he’ll go far, he’ll go far
A Mormon in DC?
I believe, yes, I believe
In the primary campaign against John McCain
In the polls he’ll fly, he's the only guy
I wrote a powerful tome with my flesh and bone
to glorify that guy, and I wouldn't lie
Now where do I go

All eyes see the figure of the Mitt Romney
As he climbs to the CPAC podium
No sound as he falls instead of rising
Time standing still then there's blood on the stage

I see Romney’s face
Where was you star, was it far, was it far?
Why did Mitt leave?
I believed, I believed
In the primary campaign against John McCain
To see him fly my credibility died
I wrote a powerful tome with my flesh and bone
to glorify the guy but why
Did John McCain with under-funded campaign
Just destroy my guy, who I thought would fly
Look at my flesh and bone, now look, look, look, look
Look at my master tome
I thought Romney was rising, victory on the horizon
Dean will do my show, do my show, do my show
Time is standing still
He gave me back, my will, oh, oh, oh, oh
Going home, I'm going home
My eyes are bleeding and my heart is weeping
We still hope, oh
Mitt come back, he gave me back my will, oh, oh, oh, oh
Going home, I'm going home
My eyes are bleeding and my heart is weeping
Back to my home, oh, o

Grammy Reform

Sunday night, like most of America, I will not be watching the Grammys. The problem with the Grammys is simple: there are way too many awards. There will be 110 Grammys awarded this year (not including the 49 Latin Grammys awarded in the fall). They are broken down into 31 different fields: General Field, Pop, Dance, Traditional Pop, Rock, Alternative, R&B, Rap, Country, New Age, Jazz, Gospel, Latin (in addition to the separate Latin Grammys), Blues, Folk, Reggae, World Music, Polka, Children’s, Spoken Word, Comedy, Musical Show, Film/TV/Visual Media, Composing/Arranging, Package, Album Notes, Historical, Production Non-Classical, Surround Sound, Production Classical, Classical, and Music Video. Clearly, this is way too many.

Let’s start with the General Category. This category consists of the four awards that cross all categories, Record of the Year, Album of the Year, Song of the Year, and Best New Artist. We can easily trim this down to two awards.

Best New Artist – GONE – who cares whether you’re new or not, we only care whether you suck or not.

Best Album, Best Song – KEEP both to honor the Overall Best Album and the Overall Best Song. We probably don’t really need both, but we will keep them for now.

Record of the Year – GONE – How does this differ from Best Album of Best Song? Merge it with them.

Now onto the categories.

The Pop, Dance, Traditional Pop, Rock, and Alternative categories can all be boiled down into one Rock category. There are 18 Grammys awarded in these categories and they can all be boiled down to two: Best Rock Album and Best Rock Song.

Likewise, R&B, Rap, Gospel, Blues, and Reggae can be merged into one R&B category with two awards, Best R&B Album and Best R&B Song.

Country, Folk, and Polka can compete for Best Country Album and Best Country Song.

Jazz, New Age, and World Music can compete for Best Jazz Album and Best Jazz Song.

So far so good, we have cut 77 awards down to 10.
The following categories should be cut out completely:

Children’s – Children shouldn’t be staying up this late anyway.

Comedy – No one has listened to a comedy record in twenty years.

Film/TV/Visual Media – They already have the far more prestigious Oscars and Emmys.

Latin – They already have the Latin Grammys (which should probably be cut down to two awards, but that is a different post).

Musical Show – They already have the Tonys.

Package – They have the Adult Film Awards.

Album Notes – No one reads them even if they buy the album instead of downloading it.

Historical – What?

Surround Sound – A TV or stereo feature, not an award category.

Music Video – MTV doesn’t even play videos anymore.

Composing/Arranging and Production Non-Classical – Only their mothers care.

Classical and Production Classical – We would be doing classical musicians a favor by cutting them out of the Grammys. I would imagine that a variation of the following conversation is quite common in classical music circles:

Sisyphus:
Congratulations, Angelin, on winning the Best Instrumental Soloist Performance (with Orchestra) Grammy.

Angelin:
Thank you very much, Sisyphus.

Sisyphus:
Now you’re only eleven Grammys behind the Dixie Chicks.

That leaves Spoken Word. The temptation is to cut this category too, but look at the last five winners of the Best Spoken Word Grammy: Jimmy Carter, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Al Franken, and Maya Angelou. Voters for every award need a category to honor their favorite Liberal Democrat, or they will do something like give Nancy Pelosi the Grammy for Best R&B Album. Thus we need to keep this category, but change the name to the more descriptive: Best Liberal Democrat Grammy.

There you have it; I have cut the Grammys down from a bloated 110 to a svelte 11. Next I will look at cutting the Federal Budget.

Top 11 Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out Of The Race

11. Felt that he just didn't get enough support from Hugh Hewitt

10. Isn't there another Olympics being held sometime soon?

9. He heard Mitch Berg endorsed him

8. Afraid that he'd have finally to answer the boxers or briefs question

7. Wanted to stop taking votes away from Huckabee

6. Wants to spend time looking for more wives

5. Really misses laying people off

4. Could no longer keep up the façade that he was a conservative when so many of his supporters declared that their second choice was Hillary or Obama

3. Wants to devote his full time and energy to revitalizing the American buggy whip industry

2. Flip-flopped on whether to stay in the race

1. Wanted to keep Hugh Hewitt's record on predictions perfect

Breaking News: Mitt Quits

I guess there won't be a Mormon in the white house after all. In a related note, Hugh Hewitt has gone missing.

(Image courtesy of The Onion)

SISYPHUS ADDS: My guess is that Hugh is busy scrambling with his publisher to change the title of his book to "A Mormon in the Naval Observatory".

HiT Entertainment Considers Lawsuit Against Barack Obama

Unnamed sources have suggested that HiT Entertainment, producers of children's television shows including "Barney", "Thomas & Friends" and "Fireman Sam" are considering a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama. Sources claim that the suit, which has yet to be filed, will allege that the Obama campaign knowingly violated HiT's copyright from the theme song of "Bob the Builder" in his campaign video, "Yes we can."

A press release from the media company is expected to state:

The Obama video clearly infringes on "Bob the Builder's" theme song. The main chorus of Bob's song is, "Can we fix it? Yes we can." Obama seems to have intentionally stolen the second half of the BTB theme chorus. Further, his video suggests he will fix America's problems by working together to get the job done, which are all themes lifted directly from this song.

If we allow this blatant disregard for copywright lawto go unchecked, who knows what will happen next. I shudder to think of Mitt Romney stealing "Fraggle Rock's" theme and advising voters to "dance their cares away."

A spokesman for Hillary Clinton's campaign is expected to comment on the suit against her top rival for her party's presidential nomination:

This is unfortunate, but not surprising. Obama has a track record of cavorting with slum lords, using racially divisive tactics like not dwelling on his race, and fellating Ronald Reagan. It comes as no surprise that he would harm the children of America by stealing the theme song from one of their favorite shows. He is clearly worse than Hitler.

Top 11 Reasons Mitt Romney Won The Minnesota GOP Caucuses

11. He's got such a nice family, dohn'cha know?

10. Desperate attempt to get Hugh Hewitt's attention so that he'll come back to the North Star state

9. He seemed so reasonable

8. He was the candidate we knew the least about

7. Romney cut a back-room deal to bring hot dish to caucus-goers

6. Minnesotans love liberal Republican governors

5. Wanted to avoid guilt of being accused of anti-Mormon bigotry if Romney didn't win

4. Romney promised to crack down and secure Minnesota's eastern border

3. Harold Stassen is dead

2. He reminds us of a young Wheelock Whitney

1. Minnesota conservatives are happiest when they lose elections and thought that Romney gives them the best chance for that

Top 11 New Nicknames for the University of North Dakota

The Spirit Lake Nation is expected to vote on whether the University of North Dakota may continue to use the Fighting Sioux nickname. After last weekends display it is unlikely that the tribe will want to associate themselves with such a classless operation. Thus UND will need a new nickname. Here are their top 11 options:

11. The Haks

10. The Goonish Haks

9. The Suspended Haks

8. The Unspecified Obscene Gestures
7. The Nazi Loving Casino Owners

6. The Emigrators

5. The Ice Bergs

4. The Mall Of America Visitors

3. The Cheap Shots

2. The Overrated

1. The Peace Gardeners

Top 11 Reasons The Giants Upset The Patriots

11. The Giants were inspired by Obama's "Yes We Can," video

10. Bill Bellicheck too busy watching Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers when he should have been making halftime adjustments

9. Giants players fired up about the Mets stealing Johan Santana

8. In his heart, Randy Moss is still a Minnesota Viking

7. Patriots players feared that Arlen Specter would subpoena them if they won

6. Patriots players felt sorry for pathetic old Dolphin players who feel the need to revel in others misfortune

5. Randy Moss' posse not allowed on the field until the 4th quarter

4. Banging hot chicks is proven to be detrimental to a QBs performance on the field

3. It turns out that attending Ted Kennedy's Superbowl Eve party was a bad idea

2. Inferior state mandated health care system in Massachusetts limited the Pats ability to recover from injuries

1. The Patriots weren't ready to play because they thought the game was on "Super Tuesday"

Top 11 Obscene Gestures Made by North Dakota Hockey Coach

The Star Tribune reports that the hockey coach of the UND Fighting Sioux brought some typical North Dakota class to the game against the Gophers on Saturday night.

North Dakota men's hockey coach Dave Hakstol has apologized for his actions Saturday during the second period of the Sioux's 1-1 tie with the Gophers at Mariucci Arena.

Hakstol made an obscene gesture in the middle of the penalty-filled game, and it was shown by FSN, televising the game live.

The Star Tribune fails to tell us exactly what that obscene gesture was, which compels us to speculate on Top 11 Obscene Gestures Made by the North Dakota Hockey Coach. (If he even did half these things, I hope he was given a 2 minute bench minor.)

11) Extended middle finger

10) Upward fist thrust

9) Grabbed his crotch

8) Mooned the crowd

7) Pressed hams under plexiglass

6) Skated around the rink bent over with pants around ankles

5) Walked up and down bench like a duck while waving hockey stick between legs like freakishly large phallus

4) Burned the American flag

3) Drowned a bag of fuzzy kittens in Gatorade jug

2) Tore up picture of the Pope while shouting "fight the real enemy!"

1) Heil Hitler salute (thought he was at home in Englestad Arena)

You keep using that word; I do not think it means what you think it means

I just watched the Ultimate Fighting match between former Gopher and NCAA champion Brock Lesnar and former UFC Champion Frank Mir (video here; I'd embed, but I believe this will be pulled within hours, as the fight was costly pay-per-view event).

Note that at the 30 second mark, Lesnar is penalized for hitting Mir in the back of the head.

Let's check Webster's dictionary:

Ultimate 1d: the best or most extreme of its kind : utmost

This is supposed to be the most extreme type of fighting, and you can't hit your opponent in the back of the head? I would guess that true ultimate fighting would feature chairs, pool cues, and two-by-fours with nails sticking out.

I'm guessing the guy who came up with the name "Ultimate Fighting Championships" may be the same guy behind John McCain's new "Proud Conservative" ad.

On Record

This will be a short post. I'm taking the Pats -12 1/2.

Obama rally goes wrong?

Reports from todays Obama rally are pretty incredible.

At the Target Center In Minneapolis, supporters of Barack Obama describe piles of faeces, knee-high, after the toilets overflowed and people were forced to relieve themselves on staircases.

At least seven bodies are scattered outside the city's Target center.

People rallying for Obama say they have been robbed of their humanity.

"I don't treat my dog like that," 47-year-old Daniel Edwards said as he pointed at a woman who lay dead in her wheelchair outside the Target Center.

"We pee on the floor. We are like animals," 25-year-old Taffany Smith told the Los Angeles Times, cradling her three-week-old son in the stadium.

Up to 20,000 Obama supporters have been corralled into the building.

This is where they were told to come, but the authorities were woefully unprepared for the arrival of such numbers, who include the very young, the very old, and the very infirm.

Pervading stench

For hours they have been without adequate electricity, sanitation, or food supplies waiting to be taken from what many describe as a scene from hell.

All who have been inside the Target Center speak of the pervading stench of human waste.

Amid the deteriorating conditions, horrific stories are emerging.

There were two reports of rape, one involving a child, while police at the scene said there had been similar reported incidents since Senator Edward Kennedy lent his support to Obama.

Others described what it was like to live among the dead.

"We got dead bodies sitting next to us all day. I feel like I am going to die. People are going to kill you for water," Thomas Jessie, a 31-year-old roofer, told the AFP news agency after spending the day in the Target Center.

Keep on coming

And the slow rally has only contributed to tensions. The head of the city's emergency operations, Terry Ebbert, warned it had become an "incredibly explosive situation".

Heat and exhaustion proved too much for some in the queue
"This is a national emergency. This is a national disgrace," he said.

At the Target Center, fighting and gunshots broke out in the long desperate line of people waiting for the chance to exit one of the school buses deployed to take them to see the Democratic contender.

Medical evacuations from the Target Center on Thursday were temporarily disrupted after a gun shot was fired at a TV helicopter.

Meanwhile people continued to arrive, many wading through water to see Obama. He is so inspirational, they have no choice.

By Saturday evening, 11 hours after the rally began, the stadium had 20,000 more people than it did at dawn.

Somehow, I'm not sure we should believe this account. But the mainstream media never gets this stuff wrong, right?

Pounding Headache … Nagging Feeling of Dread

Oh, I have a huge pounding headache. Last night is kind of blurry, but I have that nagging feeling that something went terribly wrong. I wonder if there’s anything in the blog …

Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Noooooooooooooo!!
Auuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhh!!!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!! The horror! The horror! AUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! vomit How could none of you have stopped me?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! vomit Nooooooooooo!! AUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Live debate drinking-game blogging is over! FOREVER!

It's The End Of The World As We Know It

I thought I'd check the AP report on Google's earning's release today. Here it is:

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (AP) -- Google Inc.'s fourth-quarter profit fell below analyst expectations, signaling the crumbling U.S. economy has dented the Internet search leader's moneymaking machine.

The economy is crumbling. Not slowing, crumbling. I thought I knew what crumbling meant, but I guess I'll check Websters:

1 : to fall into small pieces : disintegrate 2 : to break down completely : collapse

So our economy is disintegrating, breaking down completely or collapsing? Does that mean that now is the time for our readers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

The article goes on to suggest that Google missed its earnings estimate by a penny per share.

UPDATE: It looks like the AP reads NIGP. Within minutes of this post, yahoo's article changed the opening paragraph to:

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) -- Google Inc.'s earnings and revenue growth decelerated more than analysts anticipated during the fourth quarter, magnifying worries that the Internet search leader's moneymaking machine is bogging down as the U.S. economy teeters on the brink of recession.

We will keep you posted on the proper time the AP advocates beginning the head cracking.