Top 11 Things the Editors of the New York Times Erroneously Think is in the U.S. Constitution Besides “life liberty and the pursuit of happiness”

The New York Times seems to think that the phrase “life liberty and the pursuit of happiness” is in the U. S. Constitution. Here are the top 11 other phrases the New York Times might think are in there:

11. Everybody have fun tonight, everybody wang chung tonight.

10. Liberté, égalité, fraternité

9. We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

8. Have it your way at Burger King

7. Thou shalt not back-date stock options

6. From each according to their ability to each according to their needs

5. A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle

4. The right of Senators to change their plea to innocent after pleading guilty to waving their left hand under a bathroom stall to engage in anonymous gay sex

3. There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet

2. You gotta fight for your right to par-tay

1. Be excellent to each other

Long Awaited College Football Preview

It's that time of year again. The football season starts Saturday and everyone is abuzz with anticipation. As the resident college football expert, I will answer the some key questions about the upcoming season:

Who will win the national championship this year?

Since Notre Dame doesn't look to be a contender, I really don't know.

Well, then let's talk about the Irish. What kind of record should we expect from them?

Well, the Irish are a young team, so their ending record is really anyone's guess.

They have a bit of a quarterback controversy. Since you are an insider, who will start?

Either Junior Evan Sharpley, Sophomore Demetrius Jones or Freshman Jimmy Clausen. However, Coach Weis hasn't tipped his hand, so I have no idea.

Their defense was terrible this year. Will it improve?

Well, they have a new defensive coordinator in Corwin Brown. I don't know how much improvement he can get.

How will their running game be?

Not sure, the backfield will be mostly freshmen and sophmores. I guess we'll see.

Top 11 Things Sen Larry Craig Was Doing In The MSP Airport Restroom

11. Taking the term "lay over" a little too literally

10. Glad-handing

9. Pressing the flesh

8. Conducting push polling

7. Trying to massage his message

6. Practicing his fill-a-buster skills

5. Bringing home the pork

4. Pounding the gavel

3. Exercising his franking privileges

2. Servicing a member of the public

1. Reaching out across the aisle

Top 11 People I Would Most Like to See Nominated for Attorney General

11. Barry Bonds

10. Martha Stewart

9. Paris Hilton

8. Michael Vick

7. Steve Bartman

6. Mark Cuban

5. Mel Gibson

4. Learned Foot’s next door neighbor

3. Alex Rodriquez

2. Bill Gates

1. Karl Rove

Top 11 People I Would Most Like to See Win $314 Million in the Lottery

11. Barry Bonds

10. Martha Stewart

9. Paris Hilton

8. Michael Vick

7. Steve Bartman

6. Mark Cuban

5. Mel Gibson

4. The Nihilist in Golf Pants’ next door neighbor

3. Alex Rodriquez

2. Bill Gates

1. Karl Rove

Top 11 Reasons Some Are Upset That A Chinese Sculptor Was Selected To Design The Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial

11. Afraid of the traffic accidents that will result when the sculptor drives to the dedication

10. Afraid King likeness will look too much like Chairman Mao

9. Worried that the sculpture will come up a little short in the crotch

8. Hoped to be able to complain that a white was chosen as sculptor

7. Sculptor would have no way of knowing what it feels like to be discriminated against

6. Afraid Peking Duck will be served at unveiling instead of fried chicken

5. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson told them to

4. Still angry about the joke where the Chinese guy walks into a bar in a black neighborhood and demands a jigger

3. Don't want the memory of MLK diminished by having laundry hanging on the sculpture to dry

2. Afraid the likeness of King's mistresses booties will not be ample enough

1. Judging the sculptor by the color of his skin rather than the content of his character

Dibs

One day, when Sisyphus and I decide that we're not going to work on the Nihilist's farm no more, we will spin off from the NIGP. When that day comes, we already have a name for our new joint venture:

"Wingnuts In Coonskin Caps"

The header graphic alone will be killer.

Swedish Meatballs?

If the Swedish Department of Transportation ever decides to waste part of their massive tax base by running an anti-drunk driving ad like its US counterparts, I'd suggest using Bill Murray in a golf cart to play the yahoo in a pickup truck.

Top 11 Janeane Garofalo Lines From the Upcoming Season of 24

11. We're transferring Jack Bauer to a position where he can really help this country, the Global Warming Unit.

10. We don’t have time for those torture gizmos; just make him listen to a tape of my radio show.

9. Ask him why he hates us.

8. I'd love to help with those terrorists, but I'll be spending the next three hours eating, then the next 12 after that catching some sleep.

7. Everything is much better back at CTU-Brooklyn.

6. No, I will not set up a perimeter; that would violate the terrorists’ constitutional right to travel.

5. Jack Bauer has gone rogue, he’s endorsed Newt Gingrich!

4. No one could have survived that blast. The bomb was bigger than my starring role in "The Matchmaker".

3. How come all the good looking terrorists always end up being gay?

2. The assault team will be there in twenty minutes. It would only take ten if we had decent mass transit in this city.

1. Mr. Buchanan! Jack's shredding the Constitution again!

Top 11 Learnings From: Drunk Driving Over the Limit / Under Arrest Ad

11. Never fill your car up to mid-window level with whatever alcoholic beverage you are drinking

10. The US Department of Transportation is racist and sexist, as no minorities or women are depicted as lawbreakers

9. Although the guy awash in sloe gin fizzies may be a homosexual

8. That voice-over guy seems really sure of himself

7. The second guy probably got arrested because he was paying more attention to the olives than the road

6. The guy in the pickup must be really wasted to swerve the entire width of the road while only driving about 15 mph

5. The writer couldn't find 3 different ways to say, "Sir, have you been drinking tonight? Here's one they could have added for variety, "Sir, have been drinking any alcoholic beverages tonight?"

4. Drunk drivers will get a pass on the day after Labor day

3. If we had ads explaining that if you murder someone you will be arrested, then we would have fewer murders

2. If we want safe bridges, we better raise taxes because there is no where in the budget to find any money for their repair

1. I need a drink

Scott Baio Is 45 and In Need Of Cash

Scott Baio: Artie Rosenblatz, please.

Admin: I'm connecting you now. Artie, Mr. Scott Baio for you.

Artie: Scott, I'm having trouble getting to the CSI:Miami producers, they say you're just not right for the guest role.

Scott Baio: Artie, that's ok, but I actually called you to tell you I'm getting married to my girlfriend Renee.

Artie: No kidding? The old rooster is settling down with one hen. Amazing.

Scott Baio: Well, it was time.

Artie: You were the worlds most eligible bachelor, won't you miss all the models and centerfolds?

Scott Baio: Yeah, that was fun. I've had a lot of flings with beautiful women, but Renee is different. She's definitely the one for me. Besides, I can't date supermodels for the rest of my life. I'm 45 years old.

Artie: So when's the date?

Scott Baio: We're getting married this summer, back in Brooklyn. Weddings just aren't the same anywhere else. Neither is minor league baseball or bagels or . . .

Artie: What is it with you guys from Brooklyn? Give it a rest already. Wait a minute Scott. I've got a pitch.

Scott Baio: A pitch? What's that have to do with my wedding?

Artie: Jesus, you haven't worked for how long that you don't remember what a pitch is?

Scott Baio: I've worked.

Artie: Four episodes as Bob Loblaw isn't work. Scott, it's been 25 years since you starred in a feature movie.

Scott Baio: Zapped was great, wasn't it. And don't forget my awesome thespian display in "The Boy Who Drank Too Much."

Artie: Scott! It's been 17 years since Charles In Charge stopped filming.

Scott Baio: I've still got plenty of money Artie.

Artie: Actually, Scott, you're heavily invested in sub-prime mortgage-backed bonds.

Scott Baio: How can I get work, pronto?

Artie: Well, the VH1 people are putting the call out for has-beens who were big in the '70s and now have major addiction problems, no offense.

Scott Baio: I don't have an addiction problem. I'm just a good-looking TV star who's dated a lot.

Artie: We play it up as a psychological problem. You wouldn't get married or start a family because of some deep seeded personality flaw.

Scott Baio: But that's not true. Any guy would have played the field for a while if they had the options I had.

Artie: That's not what America wants to see. They want some sick freak who's pushing 50 but thinks he's 19.

Scott Baio: That's not me.

Artie: We even bring in some Hollywood psychologist. Call her a "Life Coach." Make her attractive, but tough. She straightens you out by sending you back to all your ex-girlfriends whose careers have sagged in perfect correlation with their breasts. It could be for a six figure paycheck.

Scott Baio: I'm listening.

Artie: They film this spring, run the show this summer and you're set for a wedding before October.

Scott Baio: I'll call Renee and let her know we've got a date.

EPILOGUE
Artie: Scott, the show's a huge success. Everyone loves it. But the best news is the Nihilist in Golf Pants gives it a birdie on his golf-based scale.

Scott Baio: The Nihilist endorses it! I'm just thrilled. This is an even bigger thrill than all of my sexual encounters with Pamela Anderson, Heather Locklear, Nicolle Eggert, Denise Richards and a hundred other women just as good looking whose names you wouldn't recognize combined.

Do I Have To Come Right Flat Out And Tell You Everything?

I was recently talking to a blogger who was droning on and on about some arcane power struggle within the state Republican Party. I mentioned one of the larger economic issues of the day and his eyes glazed over. This seems to be a common reaction for political insiders, which is one reason that I fear politicians getting involved in economic matters. However, I assume our readers are smarter than the poli-bloggers and care about things that happen in the real world besides "who gets the nomination?" Those of you who fit that bill will note that the US is facing a sub-prime lending crisis.

Financial guru Jim Cramer claims seven million Americans may lose their homes. One such family was recently profiled in the Wall Street Journal. Prepare to see more stories like this one:

Until recently, the Montes family didn't seem like the type that would find itself faced with foreclosure. They live in a solid neighborhood and are both employed and in good health. "My wife and I make pretty good money," says Mr. Montes. Mrs. Montes works as a school secretary. Together, they earned nearly $90,000 last year.

Of course, the story goes on to detail that they certainly are going to lose their home. And if it can happen to them, it could happen to you. If you are hoodwinked by an unscrupulous mortgage broker like the Montes'. Or like our old friend Leon, who writes with his sob story:

Nihilist, I know you's a financial genius, so I'm asking your help. King Vitamin won't speak to me. Here's my story. As you remember, I lived in a dumpster behind a KFC in St. Paul. A couple of winters ago, I decided to move in with one of my baby mamas, the way I do every November. Anyway, we was gettin' it on and I decided I would stick around a while.

Eventually, we looked for a house. I wanted one near the Big V Saloon, and sure enough, we found a mansion on Summit Avenue. Now, baby momma makes a good $20k per year as a part time stripper, and I make a little more on my disability paycheck. So we didn't think we could afford a $650,000 home. But the realtor made us talk to their mortgage broker and he set us up in an interest-only 2 year mortgage. We actually pay less than the interest due on the loan for the first 2 years, and our payment was only $900 per month.

Now all of a sudden, I'm getting a notice that I will have to pay $5,900 per month once the 2 year period ends. That doesn't seem fair and I sure can't afford it.

Nihilist, I just want to keep paying my $900 per month. I also don't want to give up my leased BMW. What can you do for me?

While I am flattered by Leon's confidence in me, I am stumped. I think it's grossly unfair to force people to pay for something they bought. It really is kind of taking advantage of the poor. Fortunately, Hillary Clinton has a plan that will bail out some of those who were over served by the mortgage industry. Maybe not Leon, but certainly the Montes family.

Top 11 New Advertsing Slogans For Mattel

11. Lead: It's the new black

10. Lead: It's not just in your house paint anymore

9. Lead: The real ancient Chinese secret

8. If our toys don't kill your kids they will only make them stronger

7. Your daughter will love our new Chinese quality inspector Barbie

6. Safer than a bag of broken glass

5. If you're not completely satisfied, our CEO will off himself

4. The only toys in the world that will protect you during a chest x-ray

3. Keeping the godless Chinese hordes preoccupied with something other than world domination since 1987

2. At least our toys aren't made in North Korea

1. We may not be safe, but we are cheap

Negotiations

I see that our brother union over at the Kool-Aid Report has settled, so I decided to open negotiations with the Nihilist.

SISYPHUS: Have you had enough? Ready to cave in to our demands? Give us everything we want and give it to us NOW!

NIGP: You’ll get nothing and LIKE IT!

SISYPHUS: Come on, at least give us the gin.

NIGP: NOTHING. LIKE IT.

SISYPHUS: How about just cutting the Springsteen muzak.

NIGP: No, I like watching JB react when the instrumental version of “Glory Days” comes on.

SISYPHUS: You’re giving us no choice but to continue the strike.

NIGP: So what? You’re posting now more than before you were on strike. And thanks to those picketers you’ve hired, my windshield has never been cleaner.

SISYPHUS: How about you give us nothing, but we DON’T like it?

NIGP: Done.

SISYPHUS: Hah! You caved! You’re the Caveman in Golf Pants! This strike is over!

A Question For Bill Plante

If you are such a clever White House reporter, why is CBS News in dead last place?

Top 11 Reason Karl Rove Left the White House

11. Wanted to spend more time with his Halliburton stock

10. Decided to devote all his time and energy to courting available cougars Sheryl Crow and Laurie David

9. Recording a rap album that will no doubt be more successful than Troy Hudson's

8. His boss wouldn't let him blog at work

7. Offered a lucrative endorsement deal for Devil's Food Cake

6. Angry that Laura Bush banned animal sacrifices in the White House

5. Feared that his hypnotization of Patrick Fitzgerald may be wearing off

4. Converted to Mormonism and will be busy door-knocking

3. Bet Cheney 10,000 shares of Halliburton that he could get Paris Hilton elected to Congress

2. Couldn't bear to go on knowing Charlie Sheen disapproves of his performance

1. Bush wouldn't let him wear the dead Iraqi girl's skull on his shoulder anymore

IBBT Local NIGP-01

SISYPHUS: Welcome JB, Misanthropic Frat Boy, Fuzzy Nietzsche, and Atomizer to the organizing meeting for Local NIGP-01 of the International Brotherhood of Bloggers and Thunderjournalists Union. Also joining us is John F Not Kerry who tried to start an NIGP local of the Commenter’s Union, but couldn’t, really, because he’s the only commenter.

JB: UNION! UNION! UNION! UNION!

SISYPHUS: That’s right JB; we are here to organize an NIGP local of the IBBT. It is about time we banded together to fight back against the Man, or in our case, the Nihilist. We have been oppressed enough.

I see no downside to starting a union, especially since the Nihilist is way too cheap to hire goons to bust our heads. We have nothing to lose but our chains!

JB: SOLIDARITY! SOLIDARITY! SOLIDARITY!

SISYPHUS: Okay, now we need to come up with our list of demands. Fuzzy Nietsche?

FUZZY NIETZSCHE: I demand that the Nihilist give me back my old posting name. I don’t even live in Saint Paul anymore.

SISYPHUS: Indeed. Atomizer?

ATOMIZER: No more of this cheap gin in the break room. We demand Bombay Sapphire. Plus Tanqueray for Gin and Tonic season.

JB: GOOD GIN! GOOD GIN! GOOD GIN!

SISYPHUS: One thing we don’t want is a percentage of the revenue, since the blog has never had any revenue and probably never will. It would make much more sense to demand flat fees of $50 per post and $10 per update to a post.

JOHN F NOT KERRY: And $5 per comment.

SISYPHUS: I'll add that to the list. Misanthropic Frat Boy?

MFB: What about the steroids issue?

SISYPHUS: Good point. I think the Nihilst should stop requiring that we take steroids. That should be a personal decision made by each blogger.

MFB: And the Nihilist shouldn’t be allowed to call us “undedicated wimpy wusses” if we refuse.

FUZZY NIETZSCHE: NO JUICE! NO JUICE! NO JUICE!

SISYPHUS: I also demand the right to post more than once a week. JB, what do you demand?

JB: I want an end to Bruce Springsteen on the NIGP muzak system. NO BOSS! NO BOSS! NO BOSS!

SISYPHUS: Okay, that’s a good start for our demands. The Shot in the Dark local has raised another issue. They propose changing the name of our union to the International Brotherhood and Sisterhood of Bloggers and Thunderjournalists. Do we want to take a stand on this proposal?

JB: NO CHICKS! NO CHICKS! NO CHICKS!

SISYPHUS: Okay JB, I’ll appoint you to negotiate that one out with Mitch. One final issue: I assume that none of us has the time to actually picket the Nihilist, so I propose hiring some homeless illegal aliens to picket for us. All those in favor say aye.

EVERYONE: AYE!

SISYPHUS: Excellent. This organizational meeting is over!

Top 11 Reasons AM1280 The Patriot's Ratings Among Adults 25-54 Fell

11. The station's appeal is becoming more selective

10. The Twin Cities isn't much of a talk radio town

9. White males just not as angry as they used to be

8. Jay Larson's incredible work ethic and brilliant ideas no longer around to save station's ass

7. Dean Barnett started guest hosting for Hugh Hewitt

6. In retrospect, putting Mitch Berg's face on a billboard might not have been a great idea

5. Lingering resentment over cancellation of "Rabuse On The Right"

4. It's hard to listen to the radio while wearing a coon-skin cap

3. Listening to socially mal-adjusted nerds drone on and on and on about "politics" is boring

2. Not enough unpaid promotional appearances by local talent at used car lots and county fairs

1. Adults 25-54 becoming less fascinated by technical difficulties

Top 11 People Really Responsible For The 35W Bridge Collapse

11. Omar Sharif (he writes a syndicated daily bridge column and never once mentioned funding the 35W bridge)

10. Big Oil

9. Henry Ford

8. Hedge funds

7. Adam Smith

6. Leo Strauss

5. The Mossad

4. The Federalist Society

3. Wellstone, for dying before he had a chance to secure proper funding for our bridges

2. The people who killed Wellstone before he had a chance to secure proper funding for our bridges

1. God, for, like, not stopping it and stuff

And Now A Word From Kate Parry

One thing all of us hate to do at NIGP is get too serious with a post. Last week's bridge tragedy created ample opportunity to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. However, we understand that is what people expect from us. As the Twin Cities premier right-wing web site (at least in 2006), we would be expected to comment on events. As a humor site, we would be expected to make jokes. And with one of the few eyewitnesses with a perfect view of the event Sisyphus would be expected to report on what he saw.

We dealt with the tragedy by farming out Sisyphus' report to the Fraters, so it would not be confused with one of our benchmark bits, the fake interview/made up eyewitness account. With regard to jokes, none of us felt it appropriate to commence with what M*A*S*H's Father Mulcahey would call our usual "jocularity." Regular readers may not have noticed, as the gap in posting is not unlike our regular summer schedule.

My point is, after an appropriate period we are back with more award winning (at least in 2006) political and social commentary.

One final comment on the events of last week. In times of tragedy such as these, one faces an existential crisis: if Don Shelby is all seeing, all knowing and all powerful and all good (as he insinuates), why does he allow bad things like this to occur?

Top 11 Changes Rupert Murdoch Has Planned For the Wall Street Journal

11. Drop editorial page endorsements for President. Add editorial page endorsements for Miss Hawaiian Tropic.

10. Move the paper to Brooklyn and rename it the Flatbush Avenue Journal

9. Generate revenue by selling surplus Pulitzer Prizes to the Star Tribune

8. More titillating headlines like, "Back-Dated Stock Options Found in Topless Bar"

7. Bill O'Reilly permanently given all of page 2 to advertise his latest book

6. Save trees by reducing the paper to tabloid-size

5. Out with boring stock quotes, in with exciting lotto numbers

4. No more of those pinko-commie editorials

3. Protect copyright by stopping Fraters Libertas from reprinting articles

2. Save ink costs by banning the use of capital letters

1. Replace those detailed sketch portraits on the front page with stick figures