Monday, August 20, 2007

Scott Baio Is 45 and In Need Of Cash

Scott Baio: Artie Rosenblatz, please.

Admin: I'm connecting you now. Artie, Mr. Scott Baio for you.

Artie: Scott, I'm having trouble getting to the CSI:Miami producers, they say you're just not right for the guest role.

Scott Baio: Artie, that's ok, but I actually called you to tell you I'm getting married to my girlfriend Renee.

Artie: No kidding? The old rooster is settling down with one hen. Amazing.

Scott Baio: Well, it was time.

Artie: You were the worlds most eligible bachelor, won't you miss all the models and centerfolds?

Scott Baio: Yeah, that was fun. I've had a lot of flings with beautiful women, but Renee is different. She's definitely the one for me. Besides, I can't date supermodels for the rest of my life. I'm 45 years old.

Artie: So when's the date?

Scott Baio: We're getting married this summer, back in Brooklyn. Weddings just aren't the same anywhere else. Neither is minor league baseball or bagels or . . .

Artie: What is it with you guys from Brooklyn? Give it a rest already. Wait a minute Scott. I've got a pitch.

Scott Baio: A pitch? What's that have to do with my wedding?

Artie: Jesus, you haven't worked for how long that you don't remember what a pitch is?

Scott Baio: I've worked.

Artie: Four episodes as Bob Loblaw isn't work. Scott, it's been 25 years since you starred in a feature movie.

Scott Baio: Zapped was great, wasn't it. And don't forget my awesome thespian display in "The Boy Who Drank Too Much."

Artie: Scott! It's been 17 years since Charles In Charge stopped filming.

Scott Baio: I've still got plenty of money Artie.

Artie: Actually, Scott, you're heavily invested in sub-prime mortgage-backed bonds.

Scott Baio: How can I get work, pronto?

Artie: Well, the VH1 people are putting the call out for has-beens who were big in the '70s and now have major addiction problems, no offense.

Scott Baio: I don't have an addiction problem. I'm just a good-looking TV star who's dated a lot.

Artie: We play it up as a psychological problem. You wouldn't get married or start a family because of some deep seeded personality flaw.

Scott Baio: But that's not true. Any guy would have played the field for a while if they had the options I had.

Artie: That's not what America wants to see. They want some sick freak who's pushing 50 but thinks he's 19.

Scott Baio: That's not me.

Artie: We even bring in some Hollywood psychologist. Call her a "Life Coach." Make her attractive, but tough. She straightens you out by sending you back to all your ex-girlfriends whose careers have sagged in perfect correlation with their breasts. It could be for a six figure paycheck.

Scott Baio: I'm listening.

Artie: They film this spring, run the show this summer and you're set for a wedding before October.

Scott Baio: I'll call Renee and let her know we've got a date.

Artie: Scott, the show's a huge success. Everyone loves it. But the best news is the Nihilist in Golf Pants gives it a birdie on his golf-based scale.

Scott Baio: The Nihilist endorses it! I'm just thrilled. This is an even bigger thrill than all of my sexual encounters with Pamela Anderson, Heather Locklear, Nicolle Eggert, Denise Richards and a hundred other women just as good looking whose names you wouldn't recognize combined.


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