Top 11 Upcoming Al Franken Revelations

11. Provided tax advice to Wesley Snipes

10. He granted himself backdated stock options

9. All mentions of “Vandalay Industries” on his resume are fabricated

8. Disgruntled clients filing false advertising claim with FTC over Al Franken promoting himself as a "comedian"

7. His Air America radio show got worse ratings than the Northern Alliance Radio Network

6. He used to live in that cesspool St. Louis Park

5. Opposed invading Iran for their oil; supported invading Afghanistan for their opium

4. At the height of the Enron scandal, he advised Enron’s CEO to blame everything on honest mistakes by the accountants that didn’t really benefit you much

3. He's not good enough, he's not smart enough, and gosh-darn it, people don't like him

2. He once waterboarded an employee he suspected of being a spy for Fox News

1. His SNL bits were plagiarized from Jeremiah Wright sermons

Top 11 Mariah Carey Physics Albums

I would never have guessed that I have something in common with Mariah Carey, but it turns out I do! We are both physics geeks! Mariah Carey has titled her newest album E= MC2.

Although I agree with Mariah that Einstein’s equation on mass-energy equivalence is one of the coolest in physics, it is also the most clichéd. I worry that people will falsely think of her as a poseur physics-geek wannabe. It would have been hipper to have chosen a slightly more obscure formula for the album title. Here are my top 11 suggestions:

11. Mariah: Newton’s Law of Gravitation

10. Mariah: Ideal Gas Law

9. Mariah: Lorentz Contraction

7. Mariah: Maxwell’s Equations

6. Mariah: Free Particle Schrödinger Equation

5. Mariah: Lawson Criterion

4. Mariah: Semi-Empirical Binding Energy Formula

3. Mariah: de Broglie Equation

2. Mariah: Stefan-Boltzmann Law

1. Mariah: Dirac Equation

Helping a Brotha'

One of the great things about Fraters Libertas is their archives. Whether it be their opinions on beer, books, or masses of humanity that attend the Minnesota State Fair, they permanently keep a record of their best stuff (if only they would reopen the Newspaper Newlyweds link).

As a friend of Fraters, I am privy to a little secret that I am prepared to spill. Their obsession with the movie "Shark Swarm" has led them to consider opening a new archive of the Hollywood portrayal of the American businessman as villain. The Fraters are seeking contributions from the big and small screen of examples of how Hollyweird thinks businessmen are evil. In light of that fact, I respectfully submit "Bewitched" boss Larry Tate for inclusion in their archive:



Larry Tate was the founding partner of advertising firm McMahon & Tate. Larry was the boss of advertising executive Darrin Stephens, the leading male character on "Bewitched." Larry Tate is above all focused on the customer. His goal in every business interaction is to ensure that the advertising his firm puts forward meets customer expectations. When his highly compensated subordinates fail to deliver a satisfactory product, Tate is a strict task master. Through a combination of threats and coercion, Tate derives a supernatural effort from his employees.

Unfortunately, Tate has found that good employees are difficult to come by. Darrin Stephens is frankly an unstable employee, with high absenteeism and patterns of strange behavior. Nevertheless, Larry Tate is able to motivate him to superior performance levels.

This is not to say Larry Tate doesn't know how to relax. His hobbies include mixing and consuming martinis, gimlets and Manhattans. The web site "TV Squad" named Larry the biggest drinker in TV history, besting Norm Peterson, Otis the Drunk, and the old broads from "Absolutely Fabulous"

Top 11 Suggested Other Names for the Greedy Developer In Shark Swarm

The Hallmark Channel debuts their blockbuster original movie "Shark Swarm" next month. Scary title. But, despite the title billing, it seems the sharks will be the least of our concern:

Armand Assante stars as Hamilton Lux, a greedy developer who dumps toxic waste into a California bay in an attempt to get the locals to sell their land.

Because nothing says "development opportunity" like toxic waterfront property.

OK, so a few holes may exist in the plot. The character names could be better too. Sure, Hamilton Lux implies "evil rich guy". But this is a made-for-cable movie. You need to beat the audience over the head with the symbolism in order for it to work. In that spirit, we propose the Top 11 suggested other names for the greedy developer in Shark Swarm:

11) Max Killifish

10) Biff Swineheart

9) Strom Misanthrope

8) George W. Cheney

7) DeForest Fowler

6) Evilyn Richman

5) Richman Savage

4) Payne Pawlenty

3) Stony Hart

2) I.P. Onpour

1) John Hinderaker

Crime Of The Century

The worst part about the Colorado Avalanche's dispatching of the Minnesota Wild in the first round of the NHL playoffs wasn't that the Wild's season came to a premature and disappointing end. That happened every year of the team's existence except 2003, so there isn't any extra disappointment there.

It isn't that an exciting Wild season is over. Frankly, I find the NHL too defensive oriented. I find Olympic hockey far more exciting. To a certain extent college and high-school hockey is also more fun to watch. Although "student-athlete" talent levels are significantly lower than the pros, the style often feels more free-wheeling.

No, the reason I am most disappointed in this result was that I had the perfect headline for a post on the Wild's victory:

No way, Jose

Happy Killer Swamp Rabbit Day!

Today, of course, is the 29^th anniversary of the melee between Jimmy Carter and the swamp rabbit called Killer Swampee. Here are some highlights from past Killer Swamp Rabbit day postings: song parodies, speculation, limericks, haiku, more haiku, nostalgia, and analysis.
Also, here is our exclusive interview with Swampee.

Today has been a relatively low-key Killer Swamp Rabbit day for me, but the big 30 year anniversary is just a year away!

Top 11 Debate Questions Barack Obama Might Not Have Whined About

11. “I am going on vacation next week; can you provide sunny weather for P-Town?”

10. “Do you like puppies?”

9. “How do you manage to stay on the high road while your opponents are taking so many cheap shots at you?”

8. “Whazzuppppp?”

7. “Do you think we Americans can put the past behind us and support an African-American president?”

6. “Has your spouse ever lied under oath?”

5. “Don't you hate it when people are mean?”

4. “Can you reassure voters who are worried about the possibility of you coming down with Alzheimer’s while in office?”

3. “Where do you find the audacity to hope?”

2. “What's it like to meet Oprah?”

1. “If elected, do you pledge not to mastermind the hijacking of planes and flying them into skyscrapers for the purpose of justifying an illegal war?”

Top 11 Reasons Barak Obama Won't Wear An American Flag Lapel Pin

11. The Koran prohibits the wearing of pins

10. Reminds him of that crappy song by the Searchers

9. His gesture of solidarity with Cosmo Kramer, who bravely refused to wear an AIDS ribbon

8. Red, white and blue clash with his brown eyes

7. Didn't want to remove his Twisted Sister pin

6. Never emotionally recovered from a tragic 3rd grade "pin the tail on the donkey" accident

5. Refuses because he likes pissing off George Stephanopoulos

4. Doesn't love America as much as Hillary

3. Whenever he sees the head of a pin it reminds him of Paul Wellstone's tragic death

2. Worried that wearing the pin might cost him the vehement anti-American vote

1. Afraid Niedermeyer would smash his fat face

I'm Keeping My Eye On You, Kid

I've found a blog that I'm watching to potentially add to the top 11 list. Here's a sample:

Obama cannot win because of his abortion vote. Howard Dean is an idiot again!

Obama's arrogance and misogyny are getting the best of him. The personal way that he attacks Hillary is an attack on all feminist boomer democrats too. Ferraro tried to warn him about his sexism, but his arrogant spin instead accused her of racism. He has played the race card over and over. You can't have it both ways Barack. You can't be for-against Israel either.

Who is this mystery blogger?

Mitch Berg? No first person reference, so it can't be him.

Kevin Ecker? Nothing about immigration, so it can't be him.

Andy Aplikowski? All the words are spelled correctly, so it can't be him.

No, this new blogger is none other than Rosanne Barr.

It's The Most Communist Time of the Year

Today is an appropriate day to stir up some class envy and jealousy. Let's look at how a "rich" taxpayer benefited from George W. Bush's 2001 tax cut. Tommy Taxpayer is a filthy capitalist pig! Let's learn about him.

Tommy is a successful manager at a large company. In 2000, his salary was $102,000, making him rich. He is so rich that his wife Tiffany can betray the sisterhood and eschew a career in order to stay home with their child, Tab. They bought their $500,000 home early in 2001 with a small down payment and a mortgage that averages just over 6%. The Taxpayer family is generous, they tithe nearly 10% of their income and Tiffany volunteers at a social justice charity two days a week while Tab is in a decaying public school. They live in Minnesota, so they are happy to pay income tax at a nearly 8% rate.

Tommy's employer, Productco, Inc. is in a slow-growth industry, due in part to the state's high business tax rate. Business is so slow that for the last seven years Productco has only been able to increase its expense for Tommy's compensation by an annual rate of 1.1%.

So the magic question is: How much did the Taxpayer family benefit from Federal Tax policies between 2001 and 2008? Make sure to account for the tax cuts "for the rich" that Bush passed in 2001.

Here are your choices:

A) The bourgeois pigs paid $40,000 less in taxes to the Federal government than they would have if the 2000 rates had stayed in effect through 2008 (over $5,000 savings a year).

B) The greedy monsters paid $25,000 less in taxes to the Federal government than they would have if the 2000 rates had stayed in effect through 2008 (over $3,000 savings a year).

C) These winners of lifes lottery paid $8,000 less in taxes to the Federal government than they would have if the 2000 rates had stayed in effect through 2008 (over $1,000 savings a year).

And the winning answer is D) None of the above. What happened to the Taxpayer family pocketbook between 2001 and 2008? They actually lost over $14,000 due to federal tax policy during that time period.

Confused? Did you think Bush cut taxes for these rich people? Allow me to explain. The Taxpayer family didn't get any benefit at all from the Bush tax cuts. You see, their high levels of home mortgage interest, state taxes and charitable deductions forced them to file their federal taxes under the Alternate Minimum Tax (AMT) rules. Bush's tax cut didn't impact the AMT, so their Federal income tax rate didn't change.

Further, in 2000, the FICA portion of social security taxed income levels up to a maximum of $76,200. The FICA tax is 6.2% of income up to the maximum level for workers. By 2008, the feds have raised the maximum contribution limit to $102,000. Therefore Tommy had an additional $7,086 withheld from his paycheck. To add insult to injury, Productco's payroll taxes also rose by $7,086. Productco could only afford to increase its labor cost by the same amount, so the tax increase crowded out Tommy's raise. In total the Taxpayer family ended up $14,073 worse off.

And I thought Bush cut taxes for the rich.

You Hate Me! You Really Hate Me!

I must admit that I am a little surprised by the results of our most hated team in the NCAA Hockey Frozen Four quiz. The most hated team ended up being the Nihilist’s favorite, Notre Dame.

If this poll were about football, I would agree. But Notre Dame is a nonentity in hockey and no one hates a nonentity. I suspect that the Nihilist and our large number of pro-Notre Dame readers are responsible. They WISH their hockey team were hated.

Only the teams that have had a lot of success are hated – the L.A. Lakers, Dallas Cowboys, Boston Red Sox, Duke Basketball, and Minnesota Hockey. This vote is nothing more than another act of arrogance by the Nihilist and his Notre Dame buddies. No wonder everyone hates those Notre Dame bastards.

Which hockey team would you LEAST like to see win the Frozen Four?
Boston College 13%
Michigan 21%
North Dakota 16%
Notre Dame 29%
I hate them all equally 21%

Anyway, no need to worry. Michigan should make light work of Notre Dame, whom they’ve already beaten twice. I stand by my previous prediction of North Dakota over BC and Michigan over North Dakota in the final.

Nihilist Taunts: Suck it, haters! The Irish are in the finals, while the overrated WCHA has long gone home. Go Irish!

Top 11 Surprises in Bill and Hillary’s Tax Returns

11. A $10,000,000 donation listed for the “Human Fund”

10. Dan Rather listed as a dependent

9. Schedule D has no mention of cattle futures profits

8. Hillary receives $2700 a year in Railroad Retirement Benefits

7. They donated $101,000,000 to the U.S. Treasury because they firmly believe that no one should make more than one million a year

6. Hillary received combat pay for her trip to Bosnia

5. Over half of the medical expenses listed were for Viagra

4. Bill has had moving expenses roughly every five months since 2001

3. Charitable donations include $100,000 payment for the complete sermons of Rev. Jeremiah Wright

2. Bill listed his current occupation as “pipe fitter”

1. Listed their anniversary gifts to each other as a business expense

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All Right Mr Demille, I'm Ready For My Closeup

A lot of fringe Democrats are calling on Hillary to end her campaign if she doesn't win big in Pennsylvania, win in Indiana or accomplish a bunch of other arbitrary goals. That's not likely to happen. Hillary still is big, it's the politics (and pantsuits) that got small.

I Pity The Fool That Disrespects St. T

In a recent post, Sisyphus suggests that Hillary could "beat the crap out of Mr. T." At this website, I allow artistic license in the name of humor. This statement, while humorous is most certainly untrue. Mr. T was a bodyguard for ten years. Not just any type of bodyguard, either. He protected no fewer than three world heavyweight boxing champions: Muhammad Ali, Joe Frazier and Leon Spinks. If that wasn't enough, he also protected martial arts hero Bruce Lee. You have to be pretty tough to be a bodyguard for those guys.

Everyone knows Mr. T is a tough guy, and an American acting legend. But few people know that he is a miracle worker. He has a bona fide miracle to his credit: rousing a young patient from a coma:

Somebody told the doctors I was in town, so they called me down there. I closed the curtains and prayed. Then, as I was walking down the hall, the kid suddenly came out of the coma and hollered out. That was my supernatural moment.

I don't know enough about the criteria for sainthood, nor am I willing to actually do research for a blog post. However, I'd say Mr. T makes a strong case for himself.

Top 11 Things Hillary Clinton has in Common with Rocky

11. Hillary brokered Irish peace plan; Rocky ended the Cold War by defeating Ivan Drago in Moscow

10. Rocky Balboa carries the name of explorer Vasco Nunez Balboa; Hillary Clinton named after explorer Sir Edmund Hillary

9. Rocky fought the more charismatic Apollo Creed; Hillary is fighting the more charismatic Barack Obama

8. Rocky advised by crusty old Burgess Meredith; Hillary advised by crusty old James Carville

7. Both have faced a barrage of withering sniper fire (CORRECTION, that's what Hillary has in common with Rambo)

6. Both are produced and directed by Hollywood

5. Rocky worked as a loan shark; Hillary was an attorney

4. Both could beat the crap out of Mr. T

3. Hillary got richer by cashing cattle futures, Rocky got stronger by punching cattle carcasses

2. Unwavering belief that since public liked the first one, they’ll also love the sequel

1. Rocky also stayed in the fight all the way to the end only to lose in a split decision

Nihilist Exclusive: Obama Daughter Passes Note In Class

The Nihilist has learned that Barak Obama's second grade daughter Malia was caught passing a note to a friend during a recent math class. Mrs. Noonan, the teacher intercepted the Obama daughter's note which said, "What is for lunch? I hope it's not fish sticks, I hate fish sticks." It was not clear to whom the note was intended.

Mrs Noonan sent Malia Obama home with a baby last Tuesday. Malia will be responsible for raising the baby as punishment for breaking the classroom rule.

Senator Obama, the Democratic frontrunner believed the punishment to be excessive:

Look, I got two daughters — 9 years old and 6 years old,” Obama said. “I am going to teach them first about values and morals, but if they make a mistake, I don’t want them punished with a baby.