Keillor, Keillor, Pants On Fire

Garrison Keillor was the inspiration for this blog. Here is a man who has lived off the public trough for most of his adult life. As far as I can tell, his act consists of making fun of small town rubes from this part of the country. Today, the old scout wrote an article for the StarTribune that employs one of my favorite hacktacular tactics. He found a wise and decent Republican who hates the evil imperial force that the party has become. Unfortunately, Keillor won't license his rant for you internet cheapos who won't spring for a Sunday edition.

That's funny, because I had a similar experience yesterday. It's really quite an amazing coincidence. I may even get a Keillor-like post from it:

Times have changed. We are now at a much harsher point in our history. I realized this after an evening visit from a distinguished guest. This 99 year old gentleman that I conveniently will refuse to name came into his prime an FDR Democrat. He proudly recalled the likes of John Kennedy and his strength in dealing with America's enemies.

However, today he doesn't recognise his own party. He became violently ill when I brought up the name Nancy Pelosi. After he helped me clean the vomit off of of my coffee table and apologized profusely, he exlplained.

"I don't even recognize my own party any more. When I was young we had leaders who would stab the enemy in the eye or at least drop the big one on them. Today my party is run by clean black fellows and hormonal harpies who put a scarf over their head and get on their knees to give a happy ending to any non-sanctioned negotiation with the next Hitler. They think that scoring a political point against the president is worth endangering the lives thousands of Americans, civilian and military alike."

I asked if he might pull the lever for a Republican in the next election. He declined. As an FDR Democrat, his hatred of the rich is still a seminole value. But he doesn't know if he can ever vote for a Democrat.

He announced that he had to take his leave right about the time "A Prarie Home Companion" came on the radio. "How can you listen to that crap?" my venerable guest queried. "He hasn't had a fresh or entertaining thought in thirty years."

Top 11 Complaints Of Lawyers In The Minnesota Attorney General's Office

11. Forced to look at disturbing Mao-like posters of Mike Hatch every time they step off the elevator

10. Lori Swanson never contributes to office birthday present collections, but always comes for free cake

9. Female lawyers aren't as attractive in real life as they were on Allie McBeal

8. Hatch constantly pacing the halls mumbling to himself: "What kind of moron has never heard of E85?"

7. Must take personal vacation time to attend MoveOn.org rallies

6. No paid holiday for Ralph Nader's birthday

5. Mike Hatch’s daughters trash the cafeteria every take your daughter to work day

4. Constant crank calls from Jeff Johnson.

3. Mike Hatch keeps calling the exterminator because of all the "mice" in the office

2. Mike Hatch keeps complaining that he's still at the office after he presses the "Home" key

1. Never get to prosecute criminals, only businessmen

Major Award Announcement

The City Pages may have stabbed this fine web site in the back, but in reality all they've done is cut their own throat. They've opened up a huge market opportunity for another alternative weekly publication funded by gay escort personal ads to capture the loyalty of multitudes of discerning leftist news consumers. Yes, those multitudes who've come to know and love the NIGP as the best Local Right Wing Blog and will accept no substitute, will be looking for a news source they can trust.

For their sakes, I'm happy to announce an up-and-comer on the scene, Pulse, has already finished a cover story about this blog, modestly declaring it the Best Local Right Wing Blog of the Millennium. We've all spent dozens of hours in interviews and photo shoots with their staff and are quite pleased with the article drafts we've previewed. The final product will be in the annual blockbuster Fun in the Sun/Bush Is Worse Than Hitler Issue coming out in early May. Keep an eye out for it, I'm confident it will return the NIGP to the lofty status it deserves.

UPDATE: D'oh!

View Should Be Killed

By now, it's pretty well known that City Pages has stabbed us in the back. We suppose that since we're Minnesota conservatives, they expect that we will react like Governor Pawlenty and the rest of the RINO Republicans in state government. That is, they expect that we will move way to the left, disassociate ourselves from our ideological leaders like David Strom, and beg for their acceptance.

We could play that game. We could create a derivative cartoon of our own. If Gay Bear and ACLU Ferrett can garner an award, imagine our success with Gay Gerbil and ACLU Weasel!

We say no, City Pages. We are not politicians, wanting to be re-elected more than we want to establish our philosophy. Instead, like a blues-influenced rock band, it is time to get back to our roots. Time to channel our frustration into our blogging and come up with the next Brokeback Mountain song parody. Since there isn't currently a gay cowboy movie out now, I will start with a parody the most astonishingly anti-American person I know:

Dumb Liberal Rosie

Wanna tell you a story
'Bout a big lezbo
When she's on "The View"
Oh she really blows
She ain't remotely pretty
Ain't exactly small
I'd like to hit her face with a brick
'Cause she's got no brains at all

How could a woman
Watch a piece of crap like "The View"
Bunch of ugly hags
Pandering to the states that go blue
They tell crappy stories
Bash Bush to the bone
I don't think one of them
Weigh in at less than nineteen stone

They're dumb liberal women
Dumb liberal women
Dumb liberal women
Dumb liberal Rosie
Dumb liberal Rosie
You're a dumb liberal woman

They bash America
Bash it, bash it all hour long
Ahmadinejad
And Hugo Chavez turn them on
Ain't no sense to them
Yapping around the clock
Not logical like guys
Rosie never stops

They're dumb liberal women
Dumb liberal women
Dumb liberal women
Dumb liberal Rosie
Dumb liberal Rosie
You're a dumb liberal woman

SISYPHUS ADDS: Wow, I don't see how Rosie can continue on "The View" after that!

What City Pages Denied Us

I was so confident that we would win our second consecutive Best of the Cities award for being the best right-wing blog that I had already written our acceptance post. Since it took so long to write, I couldn’t just waste it, so here it is:

Repeat!
Our critics doubted us; they said the first win was a fluke. They said we were overrated and undeserving. You, all of you, said we didn’t have what it takes to do it again.

Losers! That’s what you are. What do you think of us now? You are reading the only blog to ever win the Best in the Cities Right-Wing Blog award two years in a row!

We would like to thank God for giving us this victory, we couldn’t have done it without you, big guy!

Best of the Cities – Best Blog (Right-Wing) Leaderboard
1. Nihilist in Golf Pants (2)
2. Everyone else (0)

Screwed By City Pages Haiku

City Pages sucks!
Nihilist in Golf Pants is
Best in the Cities!

We were screwed big time.
This blog has by far the best
Top 11 lists.

I have a theory:
A very jealous Mitch Berg
Bribed City Pages.

It may not seem much,
But this best of blog award
Is all we’ve ever got.

Maybe we will win
This big blog award next year
If we learn to draw.

I blame Nihilist –
He had to go and misspell
Sheryl Crow’s first name!

Bitter, Very Bitter

Twins fans may remember the last game of the 1988 season. Allan Anderson was the scheduled starter, but he skipped the start because he had a slim lead in the E.R.A. race that he could lose if he were shelled in the final game. We here at Nihilist in Golf Pants adopted the Anderson strategy these last few weeks leading up to the declaration of the City Pages’ Best Right Wing Blog award. We figured that we had to have at least a small lead, and didn’t want to post anything that might tempt City Pages to look elsewhere. The strategy worked for Anderson, who won his E.R.A. title, but not for us.

Perhaps someday we’ll be able to congratulate the winner, but not today. Perhaps someday we will stop telling everyone we see that the new editors of City Pages are much stupider than the old editors, but not today. Perhaps someday we will admit that we really deserved to lose if only for following the Allan Anderson strategy, but not today. Perhaps someday we will come up with a Sheryl Crow/toilet paper top 11 list, but not this day. Today we rant!

We’ve come up with hilarious top 11 list after hilarious top 11 list, some even anti-Republican. We’ve taken shots at right-wing bloggers that City Pages hates like Power Line and Mitch Berg. We even turned down the $20 cash Swiftee offered us to remove our Best of the Cities 2006 link thingee. We’ve done everything it takes to repeat, except one thing: draw cartoons.

Yes, the City Pages gave out both of the right-wing and left-wing awards to cartoon blogs (cartoons they admit they don’t understand), which hardly seems fair to those of us who can’t draw (and who write things that can be understood). Drawing is not blogging! (And if you had to give the award to a cartoonist, it should have at least been Swiftee.) We will retaliate – we will refuse to link to City Pages anywhere in this post! Take that!

The worst of it is that now we’re starting to feel some empathy for the Star Tribune – for now we to know what it feels like to be passed over for a left-wing award. To think that they’ve had to go through this experience 17 straight years boggles the mind.

I was so upset that I almost took down the Best of the Cities 2006 logo, but thought better of it. We are and always will be the Best Right-Wing Blog in the Twin Cities for 2006.

They can’t take that away from us.

Nihilist Adds: David Strom should be bitter too. He has again failed to regain his "Best Villian" title. I guess that campaingning for lower taxes is only worse than slaughtering a dozen puppies if you're successful.

Top 11 Things Said In The Exchange Between Cheryl Crow, Laurie David and Karl Rove

11. Yeah, that MC Rove bit was a great idea.

10. Doinking a sitcom writer does so qualify me as a climatologist.

9. Oh yeah, well season five of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" sucked.

8. Geez, you weren't kidding about not showering much.

7. Home base, this is papa bear; we have a situation red, send in the quick strike team to neutralize two hostiles pronto.

6. I pay your salary, Rove, or at least I would if I didn’t have such good tax attorneys.

5. I suppose I could support a huge subsidy for alternative fuel development. I have friends at Haliburton who might be very interested in that no-bid contract.

4. No, my song “A Change Would Do You Good” was NOT about global climate change.

3. I can't believe how rude Rove was to us. All we were trying to do was convince him not to be such an evil, stupid, asshole.

2. This is why I like to fly my private jet to Paris on the weekends – the government there is much more environmentally conscious.

1. OK, OK, I admit it. Al Gore is an insufferable tool.

Top 11 Suggested Amenities For The Temporary Detention Area Now Being Planned For Arrested Republican National Convention Protesters

11. High capacity delousing station

10. Stage for putting on puppet shows

9. Gay marriage chapel

8. Temple for worshipping a golden idol of Al Gore

7. Jumpsuits made from hemp fibers

6. Full service hair salon in case John Edwards is among those arrested

5. Abortion clinic

4. On-site unemployment office

3. Prayer rugs and signs pointing to Mecca

2. Cases of Reynolds Wrap for tin-foil hat making

1. Phone numbers for Star Tribune reporters/columnists looking for an easy story

Top 11 Chants, Slogans, & Signs For This Saturday's National Day Of Climate Action

11. Regulate us back to the Stone Age!

10. Progress Kills!

9. Happy to pay more for a colder Minnesota

8. Turn out the lights, the party's over!

7. Give poverty a chance!

6. Pro-Choice (Except for anything related to the use of carbon based fuels)

5. No offsets, no heat!

4. Hey, hey, ho, ho, listen to Leonardo DiCaprio

3. We're here, with fear! Get used to it!

2. Make love, not warmth

1. Regular Bathing = Genocide

Top 11 Ways The Iranians Made Their British Captives Cry

11. Said their uniforms made their hips look big

10. Didn't compliment them on their new haircuts

9. Taunted them mercilessly with chants of "Liar Liar Pants On Fire"

8. Picked them last when making teams to play soccer

7. Made catty remarks about their clothes behind their backs

6. Played that Elton John song about Princess Diana

5. Told then that their mums didn't love them anymore

4. Told them that if they didn't talk, they would be turned over to Major Hochstetter

3. Pointed out that Gareth from "The Office" would have at least put up a fight

2. Compared them unfavorably to Manuel from "Fawlty Towers"

1. Compared them to Mr. Bean

Top 11 Company Secrets Par Ridder Had In His Pioneer Press Laptop

11. Craig Westover’s backdated stock options

10. Increasingly desperate series of e-mails from Brian Lambert begging to come back

9. A collection of Glenda Holste’s best columns – EVER!!!

8. The planned hiding place of the next Winter Carnival medallion

7. Three years of statistics proving that he is awesome at spider solitaire and free cell

6. Surveillance camera footage of Laura Billings and Nick Coleman’s conceiving their first child

5. List of staffers who didn’t attend MoveOn.org events in 2004

4. Ed Lotterman’s copy of “Das Kapital”

3. Number of shots Vicki Gowler can do in an hour

2. Evidence that former editorial page editor Mark Yost may have at one time lived in Brooklyn

1. An Adobe photo of an actual Pulitzer Prize

Top 11 Highlights of the Iranian "Nuclear Day" Celebrations

11. All bars will serve radioactive green beer

10. School children with toy guns will kidnap a regiment of Royal Marines

9. Joke candles that won't blow out will be placed on the yellowcake

8. A special "Iranian Nuclear Day" graphic on the GOOGLE home page

7. Jimmy Carter will Grand Marshall the Nuclear Day Parade

6. Instead of hanging homosexuals, they will be beaten to death with spent fuel rods

5. Ahmadinejad will invite Nancy Pelosi to Tehran, tell her that he will stop his nuclear program if she does the Chicken Dance while dressed in a bunny suit and then he will post the video on YouTube and laugh his ass off.

4. One-quarter of all nuclear energy produced will be pledged to heat Al Gore's mansion

3. Protesters will build giant puppets of Bush and Cheney, paint signs accusing the US and Israel of being Nazis, and march through streets chanting "No War With Iran"

2. Unveiling of latest nuclear-capable Iranian missile named "The Twelfth Imam's Jew Destroyer"

1. A really kick-ass fireworks display

Top 11 Reasons These Men Are Smiling and Laughing

11) Proud that they held out for thirty-seven minutes before turning for the Iranians

10) They were told they would be served Yellowcake

9) They've been upgraded to business class on Ayatollah Airlines for their flight out

8) They were told getting called "sniveling infidel dog" is a high compliment in Iran

7) MTV signed them all to appear in The Real World Baghdad

6) Rosie has invited them all to be guest hosts on "The View"

5) They've been offered fat contracts by the French Navy to teach their sailors how to surrender

4) Iranian dental care much better than they're used to in England

3) Iranian food much better than they're used to in England

2) Iranian brand of Islam much less radical than they're used to in England

1) They know they are 431 days better off than if Jimmy Carter ran their country

Top 11 Reasons Brooks Kochvar Left As Michele Bachmann's Chief Of Staff

11. Finally realized that the Star Tribune was right, Bachmann is too far out of the mainstream

10. Tired of constant phone calls from crackpot in Stillwater bitching about property taxes

9. Bachmann's radical Lutheran religious views drove him away

8. The Senate staff break room has Hostess Snowballs in its vending machines

7. Wanted to work for someone who takes a softer, more feminine approach to world affairs

6. Didn't want to have to take on the powerful Bob Hill juggernaut in 2008

5. Wanted to work for someone whose name was easier to spell

4. Reached his limit for seeing Eva Young's face at every public appearance

3. Gordon Smith promised not to kiss the President Bush after next year's SOTU address

2. Bachmann kept hounding him to pick up trash on her adopted highway

1. Realized her emphasis on morality is no way to get ahead in Washington

Top 11 Alumni That Make The University of Michigan Proud

11. Ted Kaczynski, MA’64, PhD’ 67 - the Unibomber

10. "Little" Dick Gephardt,JD’65 - Failed Democratic Presidential nomination seeker

9. John DeLorean, MBA’57 - Auto executive who was caught in an FBI cocaine sting operation that led to a high profile trial for federal fraud and racketeering related to money he stole from the company

8. Carolyn Warmus, ’86, - Accused of killing her lover’s wife, and her trial became known in the press as the “fatal attraction” murder case

7. Mike Wallace, ’39 - Muckraker

6. Herman Webster Mudgett, MD1884 - Believed to be America’s first serial killer

5. Anthony Carter, ’78-’82 - Minnesota Viking known for refusing to put his "best foot forward"

4. Richard A. Loeb ’22 - Half of child-killing duo Leopold and Loeb

3. Hugh Hewitt JD'83 - Radio shock jock

2. Judd Winick, ’92 - Smug, politically correct liberal from MTV's "Real World:San Francisco"

1. Dr. Jack Kevorkian MD’52, MDres’58 - “Dr. Death,” known for his role in assisted suicides

Top 11 “Facts” Found By Nancy Pelosi During Her Trip To Syria

11. Saddam never tried to purchase yellowcake in Damascus

10. Traffic is much better when women don’t drive

9. Women are much happier when they don’t have to drive

8. Syrians are not sexist because everyone she talked to was pulling for Hillary Clinton to be elected President

7. It is possible to look very fashionable in a burqua

6. Israel is a really mean country

5. Iran does a lot of nice things, like providing free all-inclusive vacations for British sailors

4. It’s hard to find good tuna in Damascus

3. There are a lot of good things about living under a Baathist dictatorship

2. It’s impossible to find “Will and Grace” reruns on Syrian TV

1. Wow, Bush is even hated in Syria